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Thread: Itís been 4 months now. Did I do the right thing?

  1. #1

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    Itís been 4 months now. Did I do the right thing?

    After 2 years & over 30 occasions of my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me I called it a day!

    This was 4 month ago in 2018 & I am still finding it difficult. The last time she broke up with me she said she didnít love me any more & her life was better without me. Previous to this I managed to set some boundaries & I told her that if she broke up with me one more time then it was over. She called this manipulation but I stood my ground. After we broke up she tried getting back with me telling me she had made a mistake etc. I stood my ground. She came back a few weeks later accusing me of cheating & sayings thatís why I didnít want to get back with her. She then came back again telling me she missed me. I ignored all texts & emails. She then tried getting my attention by insulting me on social media. She then sent me an email telling me that one of her close family members were terminally ill. I nearly replied to this but I didnít.

    So, I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out what went wrong. It has been suggested to me that she may have had some kind of personality disorder & I am probably co-dependent. I am struggling with loads of thoughts like maybe it was my fault, maybe it was her bad upbringing, maybe I should have been a bit more understanding etc etc. I thought I would post here just to get some opinion & confirmation that I am doing the right thing & that it wasnít me with the problem. This is the kind of thing that happened during the 2 years:

    • Constant break ups over stupid things
    • Felt like I was walking on eggshells
    • Would accuse me of cheating constantly
    • She would check my phone but be protective over hers
    • When she got mad she would start replying with "oh" "right" "whatever"
    • If I didnít reply to her text messaged instantly even though I explained I was busy at work I would get a text saying ?????? then calling me ignorant.
    • She accused me of spending too much time on social media when she was on there 23 hours out of each day to my couple of hours.
    • She commented that she was above me even though I have a good job, savings etc & she didnt work.
    • She accused me of chatting to women on Facebook even though she checked my phone & found nothing, but she had shown me conversation whereís she had been chatting to men. She was also very secretive with her phone
    • When we were discussing something & I asked her to repeat it or clarify it she refused & said that I should have listened.
    • When we broke up once she insulted me badly. Calling me fat, ugly, grotesque & that she had to get drunk to sleep with me.
    • She would call me idiot, moron, head when she got pissed over something
    • She would drops the kisses off texts as soon as she didnít agree with something I said
    • I helped her with things that she should have been doing herself then complained that I was doing it wrong
    • She purposely said stuff to see how I reacted then verbally attacked me if I reacted the way she didnít like so I basically couldnít win
    • When I said that I was not happy with her behaviour she would say leave then thereís the door
    • She told me that my gifts I bought her were rubbish
    • She would cancel seeing me numerous times then complain we didnít see each other as if it was my fault.
    • When she was poorly she would cancel seeing me. Because I am understanding I would say something like awwwww ok baby you get better & look after yourself & we can see each other another time. She would then start on me saying that I didnít sound bothered that we wasnít seeing each other so I never knew how to reply for the best.


    She always said that she liked me because I never went anywhere even when the going got bad. I now know that what she actually meant was that I would stay even though she treated me like s**t. All he ex's were violent or cheats. She had certain guys on Facebook that were clearly into her. She made a new Facebook profile & added these guys who started flirting with her. I said that I didnít appreciate this & she said she adds them to piss them off & make them jealous. I have looked on her most recent Facebook & sheís added these guys again plus added her ex who she has a child to & who she said she absolutely hated. As I said before she was paranoid about me talking to other women. She even got mad because she couldnít find any evidence of me doing it. She said that I must talk to other women & I said no I didnít. What I found strange was that she said she had forgotten her Facebook password thatís why she was always on line but then when she came to see me either her battery would be flat or she would be logged out. I can remember her telling me that her mom would turn her internet of when her moms boyfriend was around so that he didnít catch her chatting to men. I really think my ex was doing this too. I think all the accusations was her projecting. Her mom was always accusing her partner of cheating & publicly on Facebook.

    Its really tough because after all of this I still care about her but I couldn't go on & I had to put my mental health first. I invested so much into her & I did things for her that I wouldn't do for anyone else. To put that much into a relationship & get told to drop dead & that she was only with me because she felt sorry for me really hurt. I cant even imagine been in another relationship. I find myself constantly looking for red flags in the opposite sex.

    I am really sorry for the long post. I just want to put this full thing to bed. There has been times when I have felt down & almost contacted her but I havenít & I have just tried remembering all the things above.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Dumping her was the best decision you've made in the past 2 years if not longer.

    What you describe is a classic emotionally abusive relationship. This girl wasn't just abusing and manipulating you, there are plenty of signs she was cheating on you too. Cheating, btw, is just another form of emotional abuse.

    So did you do right to get rid of an abusive cheater? What do you think?

    That said, please don't waste your time trying to psychoanalyze your ex. Better put that energy into yourself and what attracted you to this abusive dynamic? What drove you to keep bending over backwards to please someone who is determined to destroy you as a human being? You need to do some serious soul searching and find some honest answers beyond the "but I love her" so that you don't get involved in another dysfunctional, abusive relationship ever again.

  3. #3
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    Literally can't believe you would want to get back with her or even consider. She is trash. Forget her.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I hope writing this all down is helpful. Whenever you are feeling a weak moment, reread it.
    Just because ending it was the right thing to do, it doesn't always mean it feels good.

    No one is all bad and aside from that you were invested in the dream and it's ok to mourn that.
    But it does not translate into a need to return. -Unless you just want more of the same and you are then regarded as a lion with no teeth because you didn't stand behind your hard line in the sand.

    Break ups are hard. It doesn't matter what side you are on.
    Hang in there.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Dumping her was the best decision you've made in the past 2 years if not longer.

    What you describe is a classic emotionally abusive relationship. This girl wasn't just abusing and manipulating you, there are plenty of signs she was cheating on you too. Cheating, btw, is just another form of emotional abuse.

    So did you do right to get rid of an abusive cheater? What do you think?

    That said, please don't waste your time trying to psychoanalyze your ex. Better put that energy into yourself and what attracted you to this abusive dynamic? What drove you to keep bending over backwards to please someone who is determined to destroy you as a human being? You need to do some serious soul searching and find some honest answers beyond the "but I love her" so that you don't get involved in another dysfunctional, abusive relationship ever again.
    I know deep down it was the right thing to do but I have must have some kind of problem like codependancy. I cant understand logically why I would put up with things like that. Anyone else would have finished it after the 2nd or 3rd break up. Why did I carry on? All I can assume is that I have a very low opinion of myself.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    Literally can't believe you would want to get back with her or even consider. She is trash. Forget her.
    I dont want to get back with her but I have considered making contact with her which I suppose is just as bad. I can see logically that it was a very toxic relationship.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I hope writing this all down is helpful. Whenever you are feeling a weak moment, reread it.
    Just because ending it was the right thing to do, it doesn't always mean it feels good.

    No one is all bad and aside from that you were invested in the dream and it's ok to mourn that.
    But it does not translate into a need to return. -Unless you just want more of the same and you are then regarded as a lion with no teeth because you didn't stand behind your hard line in the sand.

    Break ups are hard. It doesn't matter what side you are on.
    Hang in there.
    It does help writing it down & rereading it. It makes me see that there was a lot going on that I should of not had to put up with.

    I know I cant go back now. Someone told me that if you go back to an emotional abuser it gets even worse as they know you are weak & the abuse just gets worse. She did say that I am stubborn & it will only be a matter of time that I contact her again once I know I have made a mistake & then it will be too late as she will have moved on. She was even trying to manipulate me saying that. She contacted me the 2nd time after the final break up & asked me why I would never go away! I though eh it was you who contacted me?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mangan
    I know deep down it was the right thing to do but I have must have some kind of problem like codependancy. I cant understand logically why I would put up with things like that. Anyone else would have finished it after the 2nd or 3rd break up. Why did I carry on? All I can assume is that I have a very low opinion of myself.
    Those are a lot of good question you need to be asking yourself.
    Give it time. Learn the lessons now.

  10. #9
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    Don't understand why you returned after the second break up. It should have been clear that you were not compatible, yet you went for 28 more rounds. Learn from this!

    You probably have not blocked her yet, and still involved in the drama. This is/was so unhealthy

  11. #10
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    She is a bully and abusive. I strongly suggest you seek counseling to understand why you were involved with her.

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