I just can't deal with these things anymore

Just as I started a new job, a new life after my ex moved out, things again took a different turn as I expected.

I got fired suddenly for no reason and now the only way I get at least enough money for food is my family.

I'm terribly lonely and I barely even meet my friends (and when I think - I barely even have any REAL friends).

I've been clean for one and a half years - but as soon as I got my last payment I spent it almost entirely on drugs and alcohol.

I got so terribly horny that I took speed just in order to get a girl on weekend, but it did not work so I have spent the last few days just cruising through sex ads only to realize that no girl is seriously just looking for someone to sleep with online, they just want money, and I got pretty p***** when the only replies I got on my ad were from gay guys.

And then I realize that I cannot even invite anyone over to my appartment because it is literally empty, I sleep on a small one-person mattress, this place needs a lot of repairs and I don't even have a place where to put my clothes.

I have not been washing my dishes for weeks, I smoke in my room and don't open my window anymore to do that.

I tried to hang myself two weeks ago, put my phone on flight mode, but I guess I did not have the balls to kick the chair away on which I was standing.

Right now the only thing that keeps me from not doing it is the hope that I will get accepted in one of the jobs I applied to - my family offered me to do anything, but I am an experienced worker and don't want to feel miserable carrying boxes around for minimum wage.

As I sum all things together - the loneliness, the unemployment, the poverty, the fact that I have literally no chances of meeting anybody even if it's just for one night due to the rest of things not doing well enough, plus if I don't earn anything in the next few weeks I will become homeless - I'm literally a pile of garbage.

This is perhaps the most miserable point in my life - ever and I want it to stop before it becomes even worse.

I'm so sorry. So so sorry. :( Here in the UK, we have resources for this kind of crisis. Free healthcare, housing benefit, social security, CAB - Citizen's Advice Bureau. Do you have an equivalent of CAB in the US? A mental health crisis line? A number you can ring if you're suicidal? Can you make an emergency appointment with your GP? Surely that won't cost you anything? I'm not familiar with how healthcare works in the US, I only know that you have to have employment-based health insurance to get decent health care. What happens if you don't have a job though?

You need to talk to someone asap.

I'm sorry to hear this.

Time to reboot.

I suggest taking any of those jobs you can get. Build some money in the bank account. Don't worry about the level of it, it has to be done.

Talk to your family - has anyone got a spare bed in a a garage or whatever you can crash in for the time being?

Today is just the worst day since yesterday, bro. It gets better from here.

'I suggest taking any of those jobs you can get. Build some money in the bank account.'

________

Ray,

Sorry but..bloke tried killing himself two weeks ago.... don't think he's anywhere near right state to be out job-hunting.. No-one would expect him to here. He'd have an NHS (National Health Service - socialised free healthcare) mental health team looking after him..

Check into a rehab. Call a hospital.

I've been clean for one and a half years - but as soon as I got my last payment I spent it almost entirely on drugs and alcohol.

I got so terribly horny that I took speed just in order to get a girl on weekend

I have not been washing my dishes for weeks, I smoke in my room and don't open my window anymore to do that.

'I suggest taking any of those jobs you can get. Build some money in the bank account.'

 

________

Ray,

 

Sorry but..bloke tried killing himself two weeks ago.... don't think he's anywhere near right state to be out job-hunting.. No-one would expect him to here. He'd have an NHS (National Health Service - socialised free healthcare) mental health team looking after him..

But his reasoning for not taking the job offered was that he felt it was beneath him.

I agree that he needs some professional help but at the same time taking any job available would at least be one step forward.

One step in the right direction while he waits to become employed doing a job he's better suited for.

One thing leads to another. You have to get up, get dressed and be accountable. At the same time seek professional help.

Thanks for the replies, well I'm still here. Probably my speed comedown made things worse, but even without it I've been suicidal for a little more than 20 years already and had so many traumatic events in my life that I wonder why I keep on walking through life knowing that it might get much worse.

During the past few months I experienced my then-gf loosing our child to a spontanous abortion, if that was not enough around that time I lost my job. After that she became more and more distant, in the end we spent new years eve with her sister and her new boyfriend and she started to compare how well situated that guy is and basically stopped communicating with me (went back to her ex), so this is how our relationship ended.

Then I finally found a job but got fired two weeks after I started because it seemed like I just had to finish one project for that guy and one day I was just asked to leave. That happened just as I started to feel fine being single again, planning to buy things for my appartment.

And now I cannot even apply for wellfare because I have not been legally and fully employed for 12 months during a 16 month period.

This is now as worse as it can get - I know my family wants to help and begged me to apply for that minimum wage c**p - but I'm a well experienced assembler, my salary for the past few years has always been above average and I know that I can find a much better job, I have already applied for a few and am waiting for an answer.

It kinda seems that I can blame my ex for all this I'm going through - she was just an f-buddy early last year and I had a job aboard, but we texted and talked a lot so I decided to stay and look for a local job - but it was my choice to be with her so I cannot blame her for how things developed.

I do want to seek help with my mental issues and my bipolar disorder, but I know that in case I get very close to suicide again and call an institution - they would just put me there on meds, I'm going to loose my drivers license, I'm going to be labelled as a retard or something for the rest of my life - I don't want that. I don't want a psychiatrist either because I rather stick to self medicating - that is because a close friend of mine has been on meds for years and killed himself two years ago - and another close friend of mine tried to kill herself with the meds she was prescribed - although I am doing drugs, but I have never pulled up that kind of attempts to the point where I am hospitalized - but these people have been treated by "professionals" and still killed or attempted to kill themselves, so what's the difference with me doing drugs?

True you are at risk for losing your license, getting arrested and doing jail time due to drug use.

Probably my speed comedown made things worse. I'm going to loose my drivers license. I rather stick to self medicating

It's easy for us to say stop doing drugs, and in reality harder to achieve. But, yes you should stop. It is not self medication, it is self destruction.

One thing is for sure, alcohol (excessive) worsens depression. I'm not talking about a couple of beers here, if you can train yourself to walk away after a couple.

Are you exercising? A bit of hard exercise will generate endorphin release. You don't need to pay for gym membership - jogging, or a hard walk, for 20 minutes+ gets you into endorphin territory.

If you can get into the habit of doing that every morning,the high you get from it might start to replace the need to look for chemical stimulants.

Good luck with the job applications, but I still think you should do something (even if it is in your view below your capability) in the meantime, even if it just a temporary thing, to put some $ in the bank account.

I also say that because it gives you a reason to stay clean and get out into the world each day - and that can't hurt.