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Thread: Grieving man needs space from love

  1. #1

    Grieving man needs space from love

    Iíve never asked for advice like this before... I am in dire need of some love and support.. I am grieving doubly because my boyfriendís father recently passed, and subsequently I have lost my relationship with him as he wants to face this entirely alone. I, too have lost a parent before... I feel his pain, yet am giving him the space requested for healing. I understand everyone grieves differently. He has said that weíre not done, but might be b/c of these events... leaving me hanging on in perpetual uncertainty.

    I know this isnít about me. I feel selfish for wanting to comfort him & help him with the grief despite his desire to be alone. I feel selfish for wanting an answer that canít be given now. He & I have a strong spiritual connection that we both acknowledge. I am confident he did love me fully before this happened. I am asking for advice in finding the strength to accept that he may never get over this & may never be back, or if holding space as he sorts through himself is best for my own soul. This experience has dimmed my self love & light. He is my flame, but I fear heís now too far gone down the blackhole, & I may never see him again in this life.

    I am trying very hard to use this time/space to focus on work that needs to be done to my soul, career, & life in general but again, this feels selfish because I know he is lost in space & in pain. We have not yet been able to agree on communication boundaries, so occasionally I get a little blip of a transmission before he drifts back into space. I am not comfortable with no contact, but maybe that is necessary for now. In the beginning we both agreed to not pass judgements on each other & openly communicate. He doesnít seem to be able to honor this anymore, which again, understandable due to his situation. Thanks for the love and advice. ❤️ please donít judge
    Last edited by epicknight; 03-05-2019 at 06:51 PM. Reason: Tags?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    While his situation is very hard, his treatment of you is not acceptable. Part of being in a relationship with someone is sharing the good times as well as the bad. I am not certain he was fully happy and in love before the death occurred. Yes, grieving is painful and often causes us to feel quite differently about our life, but I do not believe he would suddenly want nothing to do with you if he had truly been committed.

    It sounds to me like you don't have a lot of choice for your own sake but to go NC. If he isn't being kind or welcoming your communication and has fully disengaged from the telationship, consider it a breakup. I'm really sorry that you're going through this painful experience, but the right person for you will want to turn to you during times of struggle.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you should consider this a break up and move on. His treatment of you is unfair and grieving is not an excuse. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have let you go no matter what. It sounds like the death of his father made him reconsider his life and you didn't make the cut. It has been known to happen. Imo, a healthy relationship wouldn't have come to that.

  4. #4
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    You need to do you, and not worry so much about his pain, his suffering his anything. He is choosing to grieve alone. You then get to decide how and what you should do with that. It is not your responsibility to help him with his grief, it is your responsibility to decide what is and what isn't acceptable behavior from the person you are dating. If you are not comfortable with being shut out while he grieves then you need to tell him that you are done, you need to set the boundary for what is and isn't acceptable treatment. Healthy boundaries are what is best for your soul. No experience can dim your self love and light without your permission. Recognize your responsibilities to yourself and take back your power.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Take a step back and take a deep breath. Do not contact him. Do not smother him or try to dictate how anyone grieves by fixing, smothering and trying to "make them better" for you own needs. Continue to focus on your own life and pursuits. You are not his mother, therapist, clergy, etc. Leave him alone.

  7. #6
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    So I have read many of these threads to help me understand my current situation. It seems it exactly the same as yours. Met my partner in August last year, because an item in December, everything was amazing, felt he was the one. In Feb his mum passed and I did everything In my power to help him through it. He moved in, things returned to normal, in April his dad passed, again I did everything I could to help him though it, however his behaviour change and he shut me out and I have found it very difficult to come to terms with and tried to help get us back on track with no avail. Yesterday he tells me he needs to be alone and doesnít feel the same. I am not fighting it, i understand, yet in my head itís very difficult to accept itís over after how amazing it had been, and now isnít, due to circumstances out of our control. I wonder how is your situation now? Have you reconciled? I am keen to hear from people in similar situations, it does bring me comfort knowing how common this is

  8. #7
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    To the both of you, epicknight and Blonde1993:

    Everyone deals with grief differently. We need to accept that as difficult as it may be for us. Accepting means respecting their wishes and acting in an understanding manner. So, please give him the space he asked for. He may reach out to you after a while. Meanwhile, just keep focusing on your own life. (Just to clarify: I'm not suggesting to wait an eternity, merely an appropriate amount under the circumstances.)

    I wish you both strength to get through this!


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