Why is he doing this?

Hi.

My boyfriend has a need to cause fights which cause us to break up atleast one a month. We are together for a year and a half and in that year and a half I've been doing everything to keep us together. I've cut out all my friends, changed my looks etc. Last summer was terrible. He was constantly causing conflicts, saying horrible things, calling me a , a gold digger, , saying he could kill me and all because he felt the need for revenge since I had a couple of breakdowns myself (they were all months before he began doing these things). It lasted untill the end of last year. He didn't even consider his behaivour to be strange when he suddenly blocked me the day my grandmother died. All he would think about was himself. During that time, I was investing in my personal growth, studyied alot, got a great job, met a couple of friends. I did all of that just in case if we break up that I still have something to relie on. He calmed down for maybe two months. For those two months he was the best bf in the world. I was getting long messages about how great I am, he would always thank me for saving the relationship when things were bad and we actually had a healthy bond. But since the past weekend he started it all again. Right now I am blocked from all of his social medias for telling him a boy i know called me to ask about work. Its a guy he met and never mentioned again. All I got was a message in wich he explains how he cant be with someone who is treating him like an idiot and how I am not mentaly stable enough to bee with him. He said all he ever saw in me was my looks and that I ruined his life. I tried looking at this issue from a hundred of different perspectives but I cant find a way to understand his behaviour since I am the one who's been trying to fix this the whole time. I know he will text me in the morning saying how sorry he is but Im afraid Im gonna let it go once again.. Thank ypu to everyone who reads this and gives their opinion, I really need it. :)

Take the focus off of him entirely and ask yourself some serious questions ~

What is it about you that does not believe you deserve better than someone who treats you like this?

Why do you stay?

What is it about you that prevents you from saying `enough' ?

Why does he do these things? Because he can, you don't do anything about it and there are no consequences.

Expect him to not only continue, but to get worse.

Why does he do this? He is an abusive azz.

Why do you keep going back with him? You need to block and delete him and if he gets through to you somehow, tell him to leave you alone. You are wasting your good dating years on a d-bag that throws you out like you're yesterday's garbage. Don't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results from him. He has shown you who he is so believe it and get away from him for good.

This is an incredibly abusive relationship and your desire to hang on to someone who treats you very, very poorly is making you miserable. You need to break up with him and you need to find a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse (yes, this is abuse, even if you are not being hit) to figure out why you ended up in such a terrible situation and to work toward improving your life.

Ask yourself instead, why are you tolerating this? What do you want in a partner? How far off the mark is this guy? The times when he is nice? That’s an act, the times when he is cruel, that is the real him.

Block, delete, next!!!

Ask yourself instead, why are you tolerating this? What do you want in a partner? How far off the mark is this guy? The times when he is nice? That’s an act, the times when he is cruel, that is the real him.

Time to get off this rollercoaster of a relationship. He is abusive and this is an unhealthy pattern. You need to stop going back for more abuse. This is who he is. You cannot get only the good part without the bad. He will continue to treat you like that for as long as you allow it. At this point you have seen how he is. There is nothing more to see. He is not going to change. You are making informed choices. Why do you keep going back to this abusive relationship?

Why would you change yourself or adjust your life in any way to accommodate a person who is this mean spirited? How much worse would a guy have to treat you before you would reject him? There is no joy in a relationship where you are always on edge not knowing when the next punishment will be levied and for what, that's a horrible way to live. I urge you to learn self love learn how to heal the wounds of the child within you that is so desperate for acceptance and validation, lean how to create a happy life of your own rather than relying on the whims of another person to make you fell accepted. You likely have a few years work ahead of you with this and will require the guidance of a professional to show you the path to healing.

He does this because he's an abuser, and because you've been tolerating it. You won't be able to ever really understand it because you are not abusive yourself.

You won't find happiness with him. Do you have a history of getting entangled with men like this?

Thank you for your help. I think the thing that makes me go back to him all the time is the fact that after all he is my only friend. He knows everything about me and I am afraid I wont be able to be so honest about myself to anyone else. Trying to become my own bff tho.

He has shown you who he is so believe it and get away from him for good.

Thank you, the problem is, I still cant make myself believe that the horrible person he is becoming is his true self..

I urge you to learn self love learn how to heal the wounds of the child within you that is so desperate for acceptance and validation, lean how to create a happy life of your own rather than relying on the whims of another person to make you fell accepted. You likely have a few years work ahead of you with this and will require the guidance of a professional to show you the path to healing.

This is actually the realest thing I got from a stranger, thank you so much.

This is not “ who he is becoming”, he was that already. He played nicey nicey to trap you.

Thank you for your help. I think the thing that makes me go back to him all the time is the fact that after all he is my only friend. He knows everything about me and I am afraid I wont be able to be so honest about myself to anyone else. Trying to become my own bff tho.

It's common for abusers to manipulate and brainwash their victims into thinking that they are nothing without the abuser, that they just can't survive without him. That's a huge part of the control aspect of abuse. BUT think about it - you had a life before he came around. You can certainly build a happy life once you kick him out. There is no reason on earth why you can't make new friends over time.

Another thing about abusers is that they love to keep you off balance. It's often referred to as moving goalposts. Say he tells you that he'd love to see you in a blue dress. So to please him, you run out and buy a blue dress and wear it. What you are expecting is reward, praise, a compliment, some kind of a positive reaction from him. What you'll get is abuse. He'll look at you with disdain and say something along the lines of "why can't you wear a brown dress like a normal girl." So the moment you met one goal, he moved it instantly. However, once in a blue moon, he'll actually toss you a compliment and since you've had to work so hard for it, you'll be elated sky high and THAT keeps you addicted and hooked in this sick game. You crave approval and think that if you only you twist yourself into a thousand pretzels....you'll finally get the relationship that you want. Except that the abuser's goal is to never ever actually give you that. He enjoys tormenting you and keeping you constantly off balance. Why? Because it makes him feel powerful.

When you stay with an abuser you are choosing to feed a monster with your own blood. Choose better and understand that the most effective way to get rid of your own addiction to this toxic cycle is to quit cold turkey. Get rid of him, block and delete and make certain he can't ever contact you again. Reject all attempts and find the courage within yourself to build a great brand new life for yourself with your own two hands. Independent of any guy, any relationship. Live the life you actually want to live and remember how to laugh again.

Another thing about abusers is that they love to keep you off balance. It's often referred to as moving goalposts. Say he tells you that he'd love to see you in a blue dress. So to please him, you run out and buy a blue dress and wear it. What you are expecting is reward, praise, a compliment, some kind of a positive reaction from him. What you'll get is abuse. He'll look at you with disdain and say something along the lines of "why can't you wear a brown dress like a normal girl." So the moment you met one goal, he moved it instantly. However, once in a blue moon, he'll actually toss you a compliment and since you've had to work so hard for it, you'll be elated sky high and THAT keeps you addicted and hooked in this sick game. You crave approval and think that if you only you twist yourself into a thousand pretzels....you'll finally get the relationship that you want. Except that the abuser's goal is to never ever actually give you that. He enjoys tormenting you and keeping you constantly off balance. Why? Because it makes him feel powerful.

Omg this is excatly what he is doing. On summers he would always tell me how he cant wait for wintertime because I look like a hoe in summer chlotes, but when winter came we had this huge fight over my fur coat and since it appaerantly made me look like an escort. If by any means I would show that the thing he is saying are making me sad he would just tell me to call him when i get better because its irritating. That summer I also went on a holiday without him to see my family and didnt have internet data since the country I was visiting was not in the concept of EU, which made him think I was out cheating on him whenever I left my house and couldnt text him. Everything is so clear now and thank you all so much for your answers.

Anyone who calls you these things is someone you immediately remove from your life and block and delete.

he would always tell me how he cant wait for wintertime because I look like a hoe in summer chlotes, but when winter came we had this huge fight over my fur coat and since it appaerantly made me look like an escort.