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Thread: I feel upset though I know I shouldn't be

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I feel upset though I know I shouldn't be

    I just feel like venting:

    I'm disproportionally angry and sad (to the point that I even cried about this) at a situation that I know I shouldn't be rationally.

    At work I had asked for a free day at easter because my family is going to visit me and with that extra day I could have 3 days to make a trip with them to a very beautiful place here where I lived previously. I asked this about 1 month and a half ago. This was very important to me because I live in another country from my family and it's difficult that we have opportunities like this (the flights are very expensive and long) and also, I'm working on that weekend. At this time my boss told me that he would see but he thought there was no problem. So I start making plans with my family for this trip but didn't book anything because I waited a definite confirmation.

    Then 2 colleagues got into maternity leave at the same time and they decided not to hire anyone to replace until Summer, so the work load has doubled. We have several employees but my workplace can't open and function without me or my two other colleagues being present (or the two colleagues who are on maternity leave). So I realised that this would make holidays and this day I asked difficult. I had asked for confirmation from my boss several times and I always got a "probably yes". Then I got to know that my other colleague got the free day I had asked (she had previously asked for the full week free but no one can do that because it's a very busy time and we already got two holidays, so my boss gave her that day). She says she asked very long ago, and I'm not questioning that. Since she doesn't work that weekend she'll have 5 days to be with her family and they'll travel to that place I wanted to go with my family. So I pressured my boss again to give me an answer and today he tells me that no, I can't have that day. Since the other two colleagues are in maternity leave and this colleague got this free day, I figured that it was impossible to me to have that free day but since he's been telling forever that "probably yes", I still had hopes.

    So this means that I can't join my family in this trip and can only spend 2 days with them. Which I know is better than nothing and considering how long I have to spend without them I should be happy. But instead I'm disproportionaly angry, shed tears and had to make a huge effort not to be passive aggressive and answer politely. I have a tendency for passive-aggressive remarks which is something in me that I hate and try to stop and control myself before I let it out, and so did I. But I'm very sad and upset with this change of plans and with how unfair I think this is and that I have to pay for the lack of people at my work and how I'm screwed again with these things (it happened something similar last year several at another workplace of the same company but then it was even more unfair). I understand that it's not possible to take that day given the circunstances, but I'm upset and sad anyway.

    I wouldn't be so upset about these things if I wasn't far away from family in a place to which is so hard and expensive to travel and with such limitations. I'm trying to calm myself down, but it's hard... and I think the stress of the past weeks is making me even more sensitive to these things. I feel stuck in here and I just feel like crying. I'm also waiting confirmation for a week of holidays I asked and I hope the same doesn't happen and that I have an answer soon because the more I wait the more expensive the flights are.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Awww, I'm sorry to hear this, and my heart goes out to you, Annia. Are there any other places to which you can go to enjoy your time with family?

    How long before you're able to consider working in another location? Can you rationalize this place as adding to your experience level that will pay off for you someday in some way?

    I always try to think in a long-range way 'around' acute disappointments, especially when I'm unable to make any immediate changes. I also find it helpful to treat myself to some kind of reward for enduring my frustrations. For instance, you might try crediting yourself for your self control in not coming out sideways with the kind of remark you would have regretted (and couldn't take back). So don't you deserve some form of indulgence for that not-so-easy character build?

    (((BIG HUG))),
    Cat

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for your kind words.

    I realised that these situations will always happen in the area I'm working in this location where there's always lack of workers and the company has no respect for that.

    I changed my plans with my family so that I can make the best of the 2 free days I have with them without travelling to that place.

    I also decided that after I complete a year here like I was thinking initially, I'll begin looking for other options in a different area of work. I'll probably have to move as that'll be very difficult here in the middle of nowhere. At this point I'm still in a growing learning curve and this job was my entry in this country and is good to gain experience and learn a lot. I didn't have that much previous experience in my country. But after a while I think I'll feel stuck here as I'm already beginning to feel.

    So I outlined a loose plan to make my situation better. One of the things that put me in disadvantage is the language. I speak it enough for my current job but if I want to change to another area it's holding me back, specially my writing. So I decided to take an advanced exam in November that will be a very good addition to my CV and a proof to future employees that I'm (almost) just as good as the natives. I also need to find a teacher (provavly online) to help me. The language will be my main goal.

    Then I'll study and work hard to be the best professional I can be and work on my results. I need to make them feel That I'm a very good asset so that I can feel more valued. It's also important to build a good image for future employers.

    Then, an this is the hardest here where I live, I need to make an actual effort in building a fulfilling social life. This isolation is making me feel stuck and alone. It's also important to work on having a good network in this country.

    In the mean time I need to be smart with my finances and save money in case I decide to move.

    I've been very unorganized in general lately, and I think that's not only a symptom of how I've been feeling but it also makes it worse and harder for me.

    I also think that I need to make a concrete list with deadlines on what I need to do to improve my situation.

    I'm also thinking that I need to maybe do meditation because the stress is affecting my health in general.

    (Writing here helps me organize my mind. Thank you so much)

  4. #4
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Can you ask the other employee if you can switch her days?? For example, if you work a weekend shift that she was scheduled for so she can be off if she can work for you on the day you need off??

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    I'm so sorry it didn't work out. What helps me in my life is never ever to think a plan is made until it's made and even then it's "god willing" - "god willing" if I am healthy/everyone is healthy, we will go" - I manage my expectations that way. If it makes you feel better when I worked more than full time more than once I had to cover on a Saturday night (i.e. date night) for a coworker because I was single and she had kids. We were both full time, didn't seem fair to me in the least. Now that I am a mom, still doesn't seem fair to me in the least. I also had to forego an opportunity to travel to Ireland on vacation because a coworker had asked also to be away at that time and she was chosen to go. So I get it. I hope you feel better!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Then, an this is the hardest here where I live, I need to make an actual effort in building a fulfilling social life. This isolation is making me feel stuck and alone. It's also important to work on having a good network in this country.
    Good planning, Annia. I guess my question about when you can switch employers also encompasses why you must remain in such a challenging country. Can't you transfer your skills to a place that's less of an issue for assimilation and a social life and mental health providers and all of the other conditions you've noted as lacking where you live?

    Why stay there?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    Can you ask the other employee if you can switch her days?? For example, if you work a weekend shift that she was scheduled for so she can be off if she can work for you on the day you need off??
    She has this day free because she also arranged a trip with a family to the same place I wanted to go at the same time and I think that now she has already booked everything. My only hope would be if my boss worked saturday for me, but he doesn't know if he can and he has kids. I was just upset that he said at first it was probably ok and then after lots of time not giving me confirmation, I had to pressure him because I needed to plan things, and he finally says no. And the reason I can't take this day/is so hard taking a day and I feel so stressed and tired, is because my workplace decided it was a great idea not to hire people to substitute the ones that are out on maternity leave and have us working with half of the people we should until summer and even then I don't think we'll be enough people.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Good planning, Annia. I guess my question about when you can switch employers also encompasses why you must remain in such a challenging country. Can't you transfer your skills to a place that's less of an issue for assimilation and a social life and mental health providers and all of the other conditions you've noted as lacking where you live?

    Why stay there?
    I don't want to leave this country for now, but I agree that for example a bigger city would suit me better and I'd have better opportunities on several levels. In the past weeks I've met someone else from my country and we're going out on the weekend and it helps, also she's in a similar situation than I do, but apparently even more stressed than I do, but I still feel "detached" from here. I lived in a much more challenging place in this country which was very isolated in the middle of an island where I knew no one and it was very hard but at the same time it built my character and I learned a lot. But at this place I am it's much better but I still feel that my staying here is temporary. I didn't feel so until these changes at work that made me feel so overworked and stressed. I think that I need to focus on doing the best I can to move to a bigger city. I'm not there quite yet but I think I can work towards it. It's very expensive to live there but the best for me would be moving to the capital city. There I have cheap and more direct flights home and more resources.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I don't want to leave this country for now, but I agree that for example a bigger city would suit me better and I'd have better opportunities on several levels. [...] I think that I need to focus on doing the best I can to move to a bigger city. I'm not there quite yet but I think I can work towards it. It's very expensive to live there but the best for me would be moving to the capital city. There I have cheap and more direct flights home and more resources.
    This sounds like a great goal. Are you contractually obligated to remain where you are for any length of time? If not, I'd focus on saving the money to move as early as possible. It doesn't need to be inside the most expensive metro area, but even somewhere within a reasonable commute would offer you the benefits you've raised.

    I wouldn't get too hung up on the traditional 'one year' commitment to any job unless you've contracted. People leapfrog jobs all the time until they find their 'home', so it's no longer the measurement of stability once believed. When young people don't get what they want from a job, they trade it in, and this often spurs their past employers to appreciate their value and offer them a better package to return.

    Not every job move needs to be a promotion, either. Lateral moves can offer better pay and benefits--and moving your focus onto that gives you a nice foundational 'hobby' to research. You may end up finding an offer that would make moving more lucrative and cut any need to save up exit money.

    Head high, and stay focused on larger options so you won't hypnotize yourself into feeling trapped.


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