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Thread: Someone talk some sense into me!

  1. #1
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    Someone talk some sense into me!

    Going on a date with a guy tomorrow, met online and for some reason even though he wasn't passing my dating criteria, like no kids and never been married, (which I'm usually very strict with) I messaged him back.

    I didn't expect to be that interested tbh, I just loved his initial message and how straight forward he was and thought well maybe we could have some fun, wouldn't be interested in anything more as he's separated (which to me means not in a position to date seriously if he's not yet divorced).

    Well we've been messaging a lot and turns out we have an insane amount in common. Feeling excited to meet him and really I'm worried that if there's chemistry it's going to be bad news, as I might want more than I initially anticipated, fall desperately in love and then be devastated when he bins me off to do some healing after using me to fill the void his wife left. 😂😂

    He's not been single for long "since summer", "not seen her for months" and potentially very much still in the rebound phase. They are currently going through a divorce, I told him I'm not interested in getting intimate with someone who is not yet divorced and I would stick to that. He asked if I was bothered that he had kids and I said I don't think I could have a serious commitment with someone who had a family as my goals and lifestyle probably wouldn't align with that. After chatting and finding out we have so many goals in common I'm regretting having said I don't think I would be interested in anything serious with him. I actually feel like a bit of a nob for never considering dating men who are divorced or have kids, and am wondering how many compatible men I might have overlooked with my narrow window of acceptible dating criteria.

    Am I being an idiot going on a date with this guy? I spoke to my best friend but she lives in a fairy land where everything has a happy ever after. Can I have some real perspectives please? I appreciate there's a chance he might not be on the rebound but it's pretty slim isn't it? Am I missing out by only considering men who don't have kids or who have never been married? Should I be more open minded?

    I appreciate I'm massively overthinking and catastrophising when we haven't so much as met yet but I'm just a bit shocked and feeling vulnerable. I didn't expect to have any interest beyond superficial fun and hanging out.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You’re only being an idiot if you’re being insincere with your dating goals.

    If I recall you often portray yourself as a casual sexual is all that I care about I dont want a relationship type of girl, which it takes some balls to own that so bravo for you.

    If it’s sincere.

    If it’s a persona and you actually do care, well this is a bad idea

    Yes you will get hurt by him he is a walking disaster waiting to implode on a naive girl.

    But again if you’re strong and clear on your dating goals of ‘I don’t want anything serious’ Dive in. Very rarely do people change their dating goals, they do if they go in saying one thing and not really being sure/meaning another.

    So my answer is “it depends” on where your head truly is.

  3. #3
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Good grief!!! Slow down, girl. You haven't even had a date with him and you're already thinking about being disappointed by being his rebound and/or worried that he doesn't fit your marriage criteria.

    How about you just meet him and see what kind of camaraderie you have with him. Don't go in to the date with ANY expectations. Expectations are always our undoings. Just meet him to meet him. Have fun, talk and stop stressing out about any future you may or may not have with him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You are not being an idiot, you are growing.

    How many times in our lives have we decided something (usually without experiencing it) and then one day actually find ourselves really enjoying that very thing or type of person?

    Only an idiot sticks stubbornly to an idea or belief and never along the way considers other possibilities. I am not saying if you decide to date this guy a few times and then stay with your dating formula you are an idiot, I am saying if you don't at least open you mind to a different possibility you are essentially selling your life experiences short.

    You do need to know what you want right now, if that changes while dating this guy then you need to be upfront about it with him.

    He may be a rebound, he may be a total catch because he has learned what a bad relationship is like while being married.

    If you were under 25 your formula or check list seems reasonable but as you date older guys it will be increasingly more difficult to find a good guy that hasn't been married or has children.

    My vote is meet the guy, be straight with him, keep an open mind to change or adjustments in your dating criteria and if you do decide to take it further then own it all the way!!!

    You just might surprise yourself (more than you already have)

    Good luck

    Lost

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Real perspectives...

    Cons
    - you are probably caught up in the moment because you have aligned on so many goals and things in common with this guy... and anytime we find someone that aligns with our values and likes the things we like it's kind of exciting!
    - because you are caught up in the moment you might throw your usual "must haves" out the window because you want to follow this and see where it goes
    - chances are if you throw those must haves out the window without first reflecting on why you have them and how important they are to you, you will end up being resentful and unhappy in the end
    - chances are that he is probably not looking for a serious relationship anyway because he is separated and still sorting things out with his ex
    - because he isn't divorced (or even if he was) you will have to accept (not just tolerate) an ex that will always be involved in his life
    - his kids will ALWAYS come first, no matter what, and you need to accept that as well
    - until he gets divorced he will be hung up on his ex beyond just their children and this will likely cause damage in any relationship he tries to have.

    Pros
    - single guys with kids are often great candidates for dating / relationships because they generally know how to be responsible and follow through on commitment
    - you guys have lots in common
    - he is likely to be a stable and successful person if he has his kids on a regular basis
    - you guys seem to have chemistry

    At the end of the day it's up to you... if you have the no previous marriage no kids boundary I assume you have those for a reason so don't throw them away for chemistry that you can easily find with someone else.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I guess it depends on what your goals are for not wanting to date a guy with kids. Is it because you don't want to eventually set up a household with someone where a great chunk of his salary will go to child support payments and/or that perhaps he has full custody of the kids and you can't have date nights at his house, at least in the beginning, or he has the kids every other weekend leaving that weekend as off limits to dating and you don't like that restriction. I don't know what your reasons for not wanting to date a divorced person could be.

    In his case, he should probably be getting his kids used to a new life without an intact family without having his attention turned toward a new woman. Sometimes when a guy is leaving a longterm marriage, he's going to want to sow some wild oats for some years before being tied down again. Perhaps that's why he's still gung ho about going on an initial date with you, even though you've said you can't foresee anything serious with him. It's just what he wants.

    Only you can decide if you want to go on some dates with him and find out more about him, but don't take what people say to you, who are mere strangers to you, at face value. I did OLD for many years, and sometimes it takes getting past the first 3 or 4 months of the honeymoon stage for the real person to emerge. Sometimes seeing the real person emerge, for the worst in these instances, can happen as early as on date 2, a total 360 that'll make your head spin.

    If you end up so intrigued you decide to meet up with him, hold onto your heart for a lot longer than you would with someone free and clear and make him prove himself as someone who's in it for the long haul, if that's your goal, and if his lifestyle can mesh with yours. Let us know how it goes.
    Last edited by Andrina; 03-05-2019 at 04:26 PM.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You’re only being an idiot if you’re being insincere with your dating goals.

    If I recall you often portray yourself as a casual sexual is all that I care about I dont want a relationship type of girl, which it takes some balls to own that so bravo for you.

    If it’s sincere.

    If it’s a persona and you actually do care, well this is a bad idea

    Yes you will get hurt by him he is a walking disaster waiting to implode on a naive girl.

    But again if you’re strong and clear on your dating goals of ‘I don’t want anything serious’ Dive in. Very rarely do people change their dating goals, they do if they go in saying one thing and not really being sure/meaning another.

    So my answer is “it depends” on where your head truly is.
    Lol, I'm not a casual sex is all I care about kind of person, I am capable of having sex with no expectation or desire for it to lead to anything long term or serious so long as I know we're not compatible in that way.

    So along comes this guy who I rule out as serious material due to him having a soon to be ex wife and kids, challenging my perceptions on what I consider to be serious dating material with his awesome personality.

    My dating goals are to find someone who I see potential for a serious relationship with and see where it leads. I'm open to meeting someone I don't see potential for a serious relationship with, on a more casual basis but it's not my focus. So where my head is at depends on the person and the potential I do or don't see in them.

    Thanks, I think you are right. Setting myself up for a fall if I'm being insincere with my goals. I told him I likely wouldn't want a serious commitment with him due to him having children and have since started to wonder if that is really such a deal breaker for me. I'm not sure where my head is at with this one. I'm hoping I meet him tomorrow and he has some obvious but non threatening character deficit that puts me off him as a serious prospect 😂😂

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Good grief!!! Slow down, girl. You haven't even had a date with him and you're already thinking about being disappointed by being his rebound and/or worried that he doesn't fit your marriage criteria.

    How about you just meet him and see what kind of camaraderie you have with him. Don't go in to the date with ANY expectations. Expectations are always our undoings. Just meet him to meet him. Have fun, talk and stop stressing out about any future you may or may not have with him.
    I know lol, I'm just feeling vulnerable. I might meet him and be like nope, not attracted. I need to just take a breath and get out of my head! Met a guy last week I thought I would be very into, we met and he was great but had terrible breath! Bye!

  10. #9
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    Some very interesting perspectives thanks for the input. I'm quite surprised by the responses if I'm honest, I thought the consensus would be to avoid him like the plague at all costs.

    Well reading between the lines his wife is totally out of the picture and he has full custody of his children and she doesn't see them but I haven't asked directly to confirm. Maybe I should get a clearer picture of the situation so I am more informed? I just wanted to avoid the whole thing with serious discussions about his home situation so early on? I would prefer to keep it light if I'm honest.

    I might not even fancy him anyway but yes it's exciting to meet someone who seems to have a lot of what you're looking for. Will just have to see where my head is at after the date tomorrow and try keep a level head and be objective 🤔 good luck to me lol

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My thoughts are, the bottom line here is he's separated which of course means he's still married. Also, and to each their own, I'd look at this as putting the cart before the horse while no matter how you slice it, married is married.

    I wouldn't jump into something of this nature, but that's JMO.

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