Someone talk some sense into me!

Going on a date with a guy tomorrow, met online and for some reason even though he wasn't passing my dating criteria, like no kids and never been married, (which I'm usually very strict with) I messaged him back.

I didn't expect to be that interested tbh, I just loved his initial message and how straight forward he was and thought well maybe we could have some fun, wouldn't be interested in anything more as he's separated (which to me means not in a position to date seriously if he's not yet divorced).

Well we've been messaging a lot and turns out we have an insane amount in common. Feeling excited to meet him and really I'm worried that if there's chemistry it's going to be bad news, as I might want more than I initially anticipated, fall desperately in love and then be devastated when he bins me off to do some healing after using me to fill the void his wife left. 😂😂

He's not been single for long "since summer", "not seen her for months" and potentially very much still in the rebound phase. They are currently going through a divorce, I told him I'm not interested in getting intimate with someone who is not yet divorced and I would stick to that. He asked if I was bothered that he had kids and I said I don't think I could have a serious commitment with someone who had a family as my goals and lifestyle probably wouldn't align with that. After chatting and finding out we have so many goals in common I'm regretting having said I don't think I would be interested in anything serious with him. I actually feel like a bit of a nob for never considering dating men who are divorced or have kids, and am wondering how many compatible men I might have overlooked with my narrow window of acceptible dating criteria.

Am I being an idiot going on a date with this guy? I spoke to my best friend but she lives in a fairy land where everything has a happy ever after. Can I have some real perspectives please? I appreciate there's a chance he might not be on the rebound but it's pretty slim isn't it? Am I missing out by only considering men who don't have kids or who have never been married? Should I be more open minded?

I appreciate I'm massively overthinking and catastrophising when we haven't so much as met yet but I'm just a bit shocked and feeling vulnerable. I didn't expect to have any interest beyond superficial fun and hanging out.

You’re only being an idiot if you’re being insincere with your dating goals.

If I recall you often portray yourself as a casual sexual is all that I care about I dont want a relationship type of girl, which it takes some balls to own that so bravo for you.

If it’s sincere.

If it’s a persona and you actually do care, well this is a bad idea

Yes you will get hurt by him he is a walking disaster waiting to implode on a naive girl.

But again if you’re strong and clear on your dating goals of ‘I don’t want anything serious’ Dive in. Very rarely do people change their dating goals, they do if they go in saying one thing and not really being sure/meaning another.

So my answer is “it depends” on where your head truly is.

Good grief!!! Slow down, girl. You haven't even had a date with him and you're already thinking about being disappointed by being his rebound and/or worried that he doesn't fit your marriage criteria.

How about you just meet him and see what kind of camaraderie you have with him. Don't go in to the date with ANY expectations. Expectations are always our undoings. Just meet him to meet him. Have fun, talk and stop stressing out about any future you may or may not have with him.

You are not being an idiot, you are growing.

How many times in our lives have we decided something (usually without experiencing it) and then one day actually find ourselves really enjoying that very thing or type of person?

Only an idiot sticks stubbornly to an idea or belief and never along the way considers other possibilities. I am not saying if you decide to date this guy a few times and then stay with your dating formula you are an idiot, I am saying if you don't at least open you mind to a different possibility you are essentially selling your life experiences short.

You do need to know what you want right now, if that changes while dating this guy then you need to be upfront about it with him.

He may be a rebound, he may be a total catch because he has learned what a bad relationship is like while being married.

If you were under 25 your formula or check list seems reasonable but as you date older guys it will be increasingly more difficult to find a good guy that hasn't been married or has children.

My vote is meet the guy, be straight with him, keep an open mind to change or adjustments in your dating criteria and if you do decide to take it further then own it all the way!!!

You just might surprise yourself (more than you already have)

Good luck

Lost

Real perspectives...

Cons

- you are probably caught up in the moment because you have aligned on so many goals and things in common with this guy... and anytime we find someone that aligns with our values and likes the things we like it's kind of exciting!

- because you are caught up in the moment you might throw your usual "must haves" out the window because you want to follow this and see where it goes

- chances are if you throw those must haves out the window without first reflecting on why you have them and how important they are to you, you will end up being resentful and unhappy in the end

- chances are that he is probably not looking for a serious relationship anyway because he is separated and still sorting things out with his ex

- because he isn't divorced (or even if he was) you will have to accept (not just tolerate) an ex that will always be involved in his life

- his kids will ALWAYS come first, no matter what, and you need to accept that as well

- until he gets divorced he will be hung up on his ex beyond just their children and this will likely cause damage in any relationship he tries to have.

Pros

- single guys with kids are often great candidates for dating / relationships because they generally know how to be responsible and follow through on commitment

- you guys have lots in common

- he is likely to be a stable and successful person if he has his kids on a regular basis

- you guys seem to have chemistry

At the end of the day it's up to you... if you have the no previous marriage no kids boundary I assume you have those for a reason so don't throw them away for chemistry that you can easily find with someone else.

I guess it depends on what your goals are for not wanting to date a guy with kids. Is it because you don't want to eventually set up a household with someone where a great chunk of his salary will go to child support payments and/or that perhaps he has full custody of the kids and you can't have date nights at his house, at least in the beginning, or he has the kids every other weekend leaving that weekend as off limits to dating and you don't like that restriction. I don't know what your reasons for not wanting to date a divorced person could be.

In his case, he should probably be getting his kids used to a new life without an intact family without having his attention turned toward a new woman. Sometimes when a guy is leaving a longterm marriage, he's going to want to sow some wild oats for some years before being tied down again. Perhaps that's why he's still gung ho about going on an initial date with you, even though you've said you can't foresee anything serious with him. It's just what he wants.

Only you can decide if you want to go on some dates with him and find out more about him, but don't take what people say to you, who are mere strangers to you, at face value. I did OLD for many years, and sometimes it takes getting past the first 3 or 4 months of the honeymoon stage for the real person to emerge. Sometimes seeing the real person emerge, for the worst in these instances, can happen as early as on date 2, a total 360 that'll make your head spin.

If you end up so intrigued you decide to meet up with him, hold onto your heart for a lot longer than you would with someone free and clear and make him prove himself as someone who's in it for the long haul, if that's your goal, and if his lifestyle can mesh with yours. Let us know how it goes.

You’re only being an idiot if you’re being insincere with your dating goals.

 

If I recall you often portray yourself as a casual sexual is all that I care about I dont want a relationship type of girl, which it takes some balls to own that so bravo for you.

 

If it’s sincere.

 

If it’s a persona and you actually do care, well this is a bad idea

 

Yes you will get hurt by him he is a walking disaster waiting to implode on a naive girl.

 

But again if you’re strong and clear on your dating goals of ‘I don’t want anything serious’ Dive in. Very rarely do people change their dating goals, they do if they go in saying one thing and not really being sure/meaning another.

 

So my answer is “it depends” on where your head truly is.

Lol, I'm not a casual sex is all I care about kind of person, I am capable of having sex with no expectation or desire for it to lead to anything long term or serious so long as I know we're not compatible in that way.

So along comes this guy who I rule out as serious material due to him having a soon to be ex wife and kids, challenging my perceptions on what I consider to be serious dating material with his awesome personality.

My dating goals are to find someone who I see potential for a serious relationship with and see where it leads. I'm open to meeting someone I don't see potential for a serious relationship with, on a more casual basis but it's not my focus. So where my head is at depends on the person and the potential I do or don't see in them.

Thanks, I think you are right. Setting myself up for a fall if I'm being insincere with my goals. I told him I likely wouldn't want a serious commitment with him due to him having children and have since started to wonder if that is really such a deal breaker for me. I'm not sure where my head is at with this one. I'm hoping I meet him tomorrow and he has some obvious but non threatening character deficit that puts me off him as a serious prospect 😂😂

Good grief!!! Slow down, girl. You haven't even had a date with him and you're already thinking about being disappointed by being his rebound and/or worried that he doesn't fit your marriage criteria.

 

How about you just meet him and see what kind of camaraderie you have with him. Don't go in to the date with ANY expectations. Expectations are always our undoings. Just meet him to meet him. Have fun, talk and stop stressing out about any future you may or may not have with him.

I know lol, I'm just feeling vulnerable. I might meet him and be like nope, not attracted. I need to just take a breath and get out of my head! Met a guy last week I thought I would be very into, we met and he was great but had terrible breath! Bye!

Some very interesting perspectives thanks for the input. I'm quite surprised by the responses if I'm honest, I thought the consensus would be to avoid him like the plague at all costs.

Well reading between the lines his wife is totally out of the picture and he has full custody of his children and she doesn't see them but I haven't asked directly to confirm. Maybe I should get a clearer picture of the situation so I am more informed? I just wanted to avoid the whole thing with serious discussions about his home situation so early on? I would prefer to keep it light if I'm honest.

I might not even fancy him anyway but yes it's exciting to meet someone who seems to have a lot of what you're looking for. Will just have to see where my head is at after the date tomorrow and try keep a level head and be objective 🤔 good luck to me lol

My thoughts are, the bottom line here is he's separated which of course means he's still married. Also, and to each their own, I'd look at this as putting the cart before the horse while no matter how you slice it, married is married.

I wouldn't jump into something of this nature, but that's JMO.

Am I being an idiot going on a date with this guy? I spoke to my best friend but she lives in a fairy land where everything has a happy ever after. Can I have some real perspectives please? I appreciate there's a chance he might not be on the rebound but it's pretty slim isn't it? Am I missing out by only considering men who don't have kids or who have never been married? Should I be more open minded?

It sounds like you've already become more open-minded despite yourself. You wouldn't have continued messaging him if there wasn't any interest or curiosity. You're at the gate now, so you might as well give it a try.

This has disaster written all over it, If you you are seeking something serious? If you can keep it casual, he is your guy.

Lol, I'm not a casual sex is all I care about kind of person, I am capable of having sex with no expectation or desire for it to lead to anything long term or serious so long as I know we're not compatible in that way.

 

So along comes this guy who I rule out as serious material due to him having a soon to be ex wife and kids, challenging my perceptions on what I consider to be serious dating material with his awesome personality.

 

My dating goals are to find someone who I see potential for a serious relationship with and see where it leads. I'm open to meeting someone I don't see potential for a serious relationship with, on a more casual basis but it's not my focus. So where my head is at depends on the person and the potential I do or don't see in them.

 

Thanks, I think you are right. Setting myself up for a fall if I'm being insincere with my goals. I told him I likely wouldn't want a serious commitment with him due to him having children and have since started to wonder if that is really such a deal breaker for me. I'm not sure where my head is at with this one. I'm hoping I meet him tomorrow and he has some obvious but non threatening character deficit that puts me off him as a serious prospect 😂😂

In this case I agree very much with heartsgoon

Married is married.

If your goals are a bit more on the serious side, I think it would be a very big risk to take.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be open to men with kids or men with some baggage like ex wives etc. just he’s like a trifecta of ‘not ready’

Hey I know, why not tell him you’re incredibly interested but you want to respect where he is in life and you don’t want to ruin any chances you two may have.

Spark is spark and it’s hard to find so why ruin it by jumping in before he’s ready ya know, reconnect once his life is sorted out.

Right now it doesn’t sound like it is but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be in the future

My thoughts are, the bottom line here is he's separated which of course means he's still married. Also, and to each their own, I'd look at this as putting the cart before the horse while no matter how you slice it, married is married.

 

I wouldn't jump into something of this nature, but that's JMO.

This is what I think too.

There's a big world of difference in deciding, ok, I'm going to open up the dating prospects to men who are divorced. And / or have children. But what you are doing is jumping to dating men who are still married!

I think it's smart to have as a dealbreaker 'still married'. If you are going to change your previous dealbreakers, you don't have to go the other extreme like this. You could try dating men who are divorced and have had time and shown they are available for a new relationship.

You are basically going for an unavailable man IMO. If you want a chance at a long term relationship, no, I don't think it's worth meeting him.

He is not over with his wife. It is way way too soon. This was a marriage not a girlfriend. He will need a lot more time to heal before he's ready for something serious.

In the meantime, you will either become a rebound (which will go nowhere) or he will run between you and his wife.

Both sound like crap situations.

Yes, don't downgrade the fact that he is still someone else's husband. That fact is not going away any time soon.

Many complications will arise from that alone.

Hi, yes I agree, married is married and I would not feel comfortable being intimate with someone who was married, even if they are separated because that feels like unfinished business and I said as much to him.

He told me they are in the process of getting divorced but I know that even if his divorce came through tomorrow, making him single for our date, in the back of my mind would always be "he's on the rebound". I think it's too short a time for me to feel comfortable that anything could realistically come of it.

I certainly get the impression that he is looking for something more serious and long term, not a hook up but I suppose that's what you think you want when you're on the rebound until you wake up one morning with the realisation that this new person didn't take the hurt away.

It's possible he might not be on the rebound but I know my insecurity around it would seep into any potential dates and ruin the fun and sabotage any chance of something good developing.

With that in mind I will meet him and see if there's any connection in the real world. If there is and I am still feeling I want something more I will let him know I'm into you more than I expected but I can't go further at this point, get back to me if you're single and interested in the future when your divorce has come through etc etc.

If there's no spark in real life I think I'll be relieved lol

Thanks for all the help xx

It's monkey branching..trying to replace a warm spot in bed with someone else. It doesn't work. Unfortunately, there needs to be time in between an ending.

The longer and more serious the relationship was, the longer time needed.

Time to heal, time to mourn, time to let go, time to move on and so on.

He is nowhere near ready for a relationship or done with his wife. It's far too soon.

Add one more for separated = still married. I got totally side tracked in my initial response and forgot he was only separated. I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole. Too much room for problems.

What are some of the things you have in common?

He contradicts your values as you have identified them to date. So, it is time to change your values? What would be the pros and cons of that for you specifically?

Typically a guy separated less than a year is a very wounded person and in his desperate need to be validated by a female partner, he will tell you everything you want to hear to win your support and favor. The fact that he is even on a dating site might mean that he is seeking the soothing companionship as a short cut to doing the real work involved in recovering from a marriage breakdown.

Its your call, but generally it isn't a great idea to let s circumstances or another person dissuade us from our values and goals if we have carefully decided upon them.

One of the big problems with the separated = still married equation isn't moral, it's that the couple hasn't yet made it past the signing of the divorce papers. And, the older I get, the more often I've seen that even some of the most unlikely to reconcile couples can end up reconsidering their fervently 'sure' positions during that critical time.

Then there's missing what's supposed to have been a stabilization period after the divorce--a time that heals a once-coupled person into the kind of solo solidity that isn't so quick to leapfrog onto the next lilly pad prematurely. That doesn't happen during separation--the pseudo liberation period. Divorce is a whole different ballgame. It can render any fantasy commitments to a new lover invalid because the protection of unavailability is lifted.

So if you end up liking this guy, you may want to consider preserving any future potential that may otherwise be rebounded off the table with a speech about how great of a person you are but he really should gave taken more time to be single, by telling him he can contact you after his divorce is finalized. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up.

Separated, newly divorced = rebound. Sorry, I doubt anything will come of this, though it could take a few months, after you're feeling secure, when he decides he's done. During this time, or just after the divorce, there might be a honeymoon phase for him...he's free, no more drama, get the household stable with the kids and work, child care, etc., and all is well, but then it's exhausting doing this alone, and there could be a crash. He doesn't even have split parenting time and a guaranteed night or weekend "off" once in awhile. He doesn't need to worry about you and you could possibly feel like a chore or responsibility. He wants to play and just have some casual time when he has the time, not necessarily consistently. These are things that I felt post divorce, and it was awhile before I felt I had the ability to give myself and care for one more person. How old are these kids?

In any case, as long as you're going into this with an understanding that this is probably not going to be serious or long-term, and you can shut yourself off or break up if you find you're not getting or won't be able to get what you want, then a date or two certainly won't hurt anything. You seem to have the right ideas, so hopefully you can implement those in real life as the need arises.

I have no advice re: dating men with kids as I never have/don't have kids myself, but re: 'separated': my twin sister met her hubby whilst nowhere near divorced. They dated with her being 'officially married' for about two years - I'm not going to go into why she couldn't get divorced at the time. She eventually did. They celebrated their 21st anniversary in August last year.

My ex-h and I separated in 1999. We didn't get divorced until 2001 (can you tell my sister and I are twins? :). Again, am not going into why. I most certainly didn't sit there 'healing' for 2 years. I was young and beautiful and wanted to live life. And boy did I live life. The fact that r-ships I had with men during the time didn't work out had nothing whatsoever to do with me being 'still married'.

Twin and I may be an exception.. it's ultimately up to you.

I think the biggest issue is the kids. I've dated women who initially don't want a man with kids. They try. Then they inevitably back away. I had kids older in life than most. It frustrated the women who thought they could overlook this, but at the end of the day their reasons for not continuing to date me were good reasons, and we just had to accept it as a fact of life. The main reason being mobility. A lot of women in my age group have grown kids, and just want the freedom of going anywhere, anytime. This may not be the same reason you avoid men with kids, and the reason probably doesn't matter. When people consider dating kids is one of the most important criteria. The kids aren't going anywhere until they're grown, and they will be your partner's priority.

I don't understand the issue with divorce. I think it's an American thing. Here, a legal separation seems to be the high water mark here. The only issue with divorce is you can't remarry until you have the signed piece of paper. But on this forum, it seems to be more of a sticking point.

He hasn't been single long. This is not a good thing. I don't believe everyone acts and behaves the same under the same circumstances. However, it is reckless to completely dismiss trends in human behaviour. I would be less concerned about rebound, and more concerned about erratic emotions and behaviour. When you separate you become a new person. The old person dies and you must learn to live with your new self. He will be going through a drastic amount of change in a short time. Looking back at my divorce I really wasn't ready for any serious relationship for at least a good three years. Probably didn't really get it for five years. It was close to ten years I really fell into my self.

I don't know your age so it's difficult to comment on 'men that were never married'. Impossible to find in my age group :) But it strikes me as one of those dogmatic rules. There are good reasons people fail at marriage. Often they are good reasons.

Sticking to a criteria is a balancing act. It's simple arithmetic. The stricter your criteria, the smaller your dating pool. Lists and criteria are a hot item for debate. You have to find the balance that works for you.

You're not an idiot going out on one date. But if you start to fall for this guy and have reservations about his kids things won't end well. I would also think hard about going out with someone so new out of a relationship. Everything for you could work out. There's always risk. But on top of all the complications realise most things don't work out, and your'e starting out with some issues thrown in. Sorry, I would bet against this taking wings.

Ultimately you can fall in love with someone who is wrong with you.