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Thread: Someone talk some sense into me!

  1. #21
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    He contradicts your values as you have identified them to date. So, it is time to change your values? What would be the pros and cons of that for you specifically?

    Typically a guy separated less than a year is a very wounded person and in his desperate need to be validated by a female partner, he will tell you everything you want to hear to win your support and favor. The fact that he is even on a dating site might mean that he is seeking the soothing companionship as a short cut to doing the real work involved in recovering from a marriage breakdown.

    Its your call, but generally it isn't a great idea to let s circumstances or another person dissuade us from our values and goals if we have carefully decided upon them.

  2. #22
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    One of the big problems with the separated = still married equation isn't moral, it's that the couple hasn't yet made it past the signing of the divorce papers. And, the older I get, the more often I've seen that even some of the most unlikely to reconcile couples can end up reconsidering their fervently 'sure' positions during that critical time.

    Then there's missing what's supposed to have been a stabilization period after the divorce--a time that heals a once-coupled person into the kind of solo solidity that isn't so quick to leapfrog onto the next lilly pad prematurely. That doesn't happen during separation--the pseudo liberation period. Divorce is a whole different ballgame. It can render any fantasy commitments to a new lover invalid because the protection of unavailability is lifted.

    So if you end up liking this guy, you may want to consider preserving any future potential that may otherwise be rebounded off the table with a speech about how great of a person you are but he really should gave taken more time to be single, by telling him he can contact you after his divorce is finalized. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up.

  3. #23
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    Separated, newly divorced = rebound. Sorry, I doubt anything will come of this, though it could take a few months, after you're feeling secure, when he decides he's done. During this time, or just after the divorce, there might be a honeymoon phase for him...he's free, no more drama, get the household stable with the kids and work, child care, etc., and all is well, but then it's exhausting doing this alone, and there could be a crash. He doesn't even have split parenting time and a guaranteed night or weekend "off" once in awhile. He doesn't need to worry about you and you could possibly feel like a chore or responsibility. He wants to play and just have some casual time when he has the time, not necessarily consistently. These are things that I felt post divorce, and it was awhile before I felt I had the ability to give myself and care for one more person. How old are these kids?

    In any case, as long as you're going into this with an understanding that this is probably not going to be serious or long-term, and you can shut yourself off or break up if you find you're not getting or won't be able to get what you want, then a date or two certainly won't hurt anything. You seem to have the right ideas, so hopefully you can implement those in real life as the need arises.

  4. #24
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    I have no advice re: dating men with kids as I never have/don't have kids myself, but re: 'separated': my twin sister met her hubby whilst nowhere near divorced. They dated with her being 'officially married' for about two years - I'm not going to go into why she couldn't get divorced at the time. She eventually did. They celebrated their 21st anniversary in August last year.

    My ex-h and I separated in 1999. We didn't get divorced until 2001 (can you tell my sister and I are twins? :). Again, am not going into why. I most certainly didn't sit there 'healing' for 2 years. I was young and beautiful and wanted to live life. And boy did I live life. The fact that r-ships I had with men during the time didn't work out had nothing whatsoever to do with me being 'still married'.

    Twin and I may be an exception.. it's ultimately up to you.
    Last edited by Metaltwin70; 03-06-2019 at 06:12 AM.

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  6. #25
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    I think the biggest issue is the kids. I've dated women who initially don't want a man with kids. They try. Then they inevitably back away. I had kids older in life than most. It frustrated the women who thought they could overlook this, but at the end of the day their reasons for not continuing to date me were good reasons, and we just had to accept it as a fact of life. The main reason being mobility. A lot of women in my age group have grown kids, and just want the freedom of going anywhere, anytime. This may not be the same reason you avoid men with kids, and the reason probably doesn't matter. When people consider dating kids is one of the most important criteria. The kids aren't going anywhere until they're grown, and they will be your partner's priority.

    I don't understand the issue with divorce. I think it's an American thing. Here, a legal separation seems to be the high water mark here. The only issue with divorce is you can't remarry until you have the signed piece of paper. But on this forum, it seems to be more of a sticking point.

    He hasn't been single long. This is not a good thing. I don't believe everyone acts and behaves the same under the same circumstances. However, it is reckless to completely dismiss trends in human behaviour. I would be less concerned about rebound, and more concerned about erratic emotions and behaviour. When you separate you become a new person. The old person dies and you must learn to live with your new self. He will be going through a drastic amount of change in a short time. Looking back at my divorce I really wasn't ready for any serious relationship for at least a good three years. Probably didn't really get it for five years. It was close to ten years I really fell into my self.

    I don't know your age so it's difficult to comment on 'men that were never married'. Impossible to find in my age group :) But it strikes me as one of those dogmatic rules. There are good reasons people fail at marriage. Often they are good reasons.

    Sticking to a criteria is a balancing act. It's simple arithmetic. The stricter your criteria, the smaller your dating pool. Lists and criteria are a hot item for debate. You have to find the balance that works for you.

    You're not an idiot going out on one date. But if you start to fall for this guy and have reservations about his kids things won't end well. I would also think hard about going out with someone so new out of a relationship. Everything for you could work out. There's always risk. But on top of all the complications realise most things don't work out, and your'e starting out with some issues thrown in. Sorry, I would bet against this taking wings.
    Ultimately you can fall in love with someone who is wrong with you.

  7. #26
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    Right so, update time!

    I am now in a more informed position (and also slightly drunk), he has 3 children, youngest is 7, oldest is 13. Definitely not what I expected since he referred to them as "little ones" I expected tots. Legally his daughter is old enough to babysit but his family will babysit for him when he needs it. Their mother passed away (when the youngest was a baby I think).

    He was with his wife for 4 years before they split up. This explains why I got the impression she had nothing to do with the kids, theyre not hers, she has 2 of her own.

    As for him, he seemed very nervous, quite timid even. I enjoyed his company but am very very glad to say I've come back down to earth with a bump and am not worried about falling madly in love with him overnight.

    He also said he's had the final offer paperwork come through for his divorce. Whatever that is. I didn't ask. Could ask if I see him again.

    Glad I met him. Feeling a lot more relaxed. Need to stop getting in my head so much!!!

  8. 03-07-2019, 12:30 AM

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