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Thread: Someone talk some sense into me!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    Am I being an idiot going on a date with this guy? I spoke to my best friend but she lives in a fairy land where everything has a happy ever after. Can I have some real perspectives please? I appreciate there's a chance he might not be on the rebound but it's pretty slim isn't it? Am I missing out by only considering men who don't have kids or who have never been married? Should I be more open minded?
    It sounds like you've already become more open-minded despite yourself. You wouldn't have continued messaging him if there wasn't any interest or curiosity. You're at the gate now, so you might as well give it a try.

  2. #12
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    This has disaster written all over it, If you you are seeking something serious? If you can keep it casual, he is your guy.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    Lol, I'm not a casual sex is all I care about kind of person, I am capable of having sex with no expectation or desire for it to lead to anything long term or serious so long as I know we're not compatible in that way.

    So along comes this guy who I rule out as serious material due to him having a soon to be ex wife and kids, challenging my perceptions on what I consider to be serious dating material with his awesome personality.

    My dating goals are to find someone who I see potential for a serious relationship with and see where it leads. I'm open to meeting someone I don't see potential for a serious relationship with, on a more casual basis but it's not my focus. So where my head is at depends on the person and the potential I do or don't see in them.

    Thanks, I think you are right. Setting myself up for a fall if I'm being insincere with my goals. I told him I likely wouldn't want a serious commitment with him due to him having children and have since started to wonder if that is really such a deal breaker for me. I'm not sure where my head is at with this one. I'm hoping I meet him tomorrow and he has some obvious but non threatening character deficit that puts me off him as a serious prospect 😂😂
    In this case I agree very much with heartsgoon

    Married is married.

    If your goals are a bit more on the serious side, I think it would be a very big risk to take.

    That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be open to men with kids or men with some baggage like ex wives etc. just he’s like a trifecta of ‘not ready’

    Hey I know, why not tell him you’re incredibly interested but you want to respect where he is in life and you don’t want to ruin any chances you two may have.

    Spark is spark and it’s hard to find so why ruin it by jumping in before he’s ready ya know, reconnect once his life is sorted out.

    Right now it doesn’t sound like it is but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be in the future

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    My thoughts are, the bottom line here is he's separated which of course means he's still married. Also, and to each their own, I'd look at this as putting the cart before the horse while no matter how you slice it, married is married.

    I wouldn't jump into something of this nature, but that's JMO.
    This is what I think too.

    There's a big world of difference in deciding, ok, I'm going to open up the dating prospects to men who are divorced. And / or have children. But what you are doing is jumping to dating men who are still married!

    I think it's smart to have as a dealbreaker 'still married'. If you are going to change your previous dealbreakers, you don't have to go the other extreme like this. You could try dating men who are divorced and have had time and shown they are available for a new relationship.

    You are basically going for an unavailable man IMO. If you want a chance at a long term relationship, no, I don't think it's worth meeting him.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He is not over with his wife. It is way way too soon. This was a marriage not a girlfriend. He will need a lot more time to heal before he's ready for something serious.

    In the meantime, you will either become a rebound (which will go nowhere) or he will run between you and his wife.

    Both sound like crap situations.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, don't downgrade the fact that he is still someone else's husband. That fact is not going away any time soon.

    Many complications will arise from that alone.

  8. #17
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    Hi, yes I agree, married is married and I would not feel comfortable being intimate with someone who was married, even if they are separated because that feels like unfinished business and I said as much to him.

    He told me they are in the process of getting divorced but I know that even if his divorce came through tomorrow, making him single for our date, in the back of my mind would always be "he's on the rebound". I think it's too short a time for me to feel comfortable that anything could realistically come of it.

    I certainly get the impression that he is looking for something more serious and long term, not a hook up but I suppose that's what you think you want when you're on the rebound until you wake up one morning with the realisation that this new person didn't take the hurt away.

    It's possible he might not be on the rebound but I know my insecurity around it would seep into any potential dates and ruin the fun and sabotage any chance of something good developing.

    With that in mind I will meet him and see if there's any connection in the real world. If there is and I am still feeling I want something more I will let him know I'm into you more than I expected but I can't go further at this point, get back to me if you're single and interested in the future when your divorce has come through etc etc.

    If there's no spark in real life I think I'll be relieved lol

    Thanks for all the help xx

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's monkey branching..trying to replace a warm spot in bed with someone else. It doesn't work. Unfortunately, there needs to be time in between an ending.
    The longer and more serious the relationship was, the longer time needed.
    Time to heal, time to mourn, time to let go, time to move on and so on.

    He is nowhere near ready for a relationship or done with his wife. It's far too soon.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Add one more for separated = still married. I got totally side tracked in my initial response and forgot he was only separated. I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole. Too much room for problems.

  11. #20
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    What are some of the things you have in common?

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