I have an amazing boyfriend but something still doesn't feel right. Normal?

Long story short, been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I love him a lot and we have a strong relationship. We openly communicate our thoughts and feelings, and he has done a lot to adjust to better act with me. But, lately, for almost two months, while i love being with him and spending time with him, and i care about him, part of me feels like something is not enough... he is in his mid twenties and has nothing going on yet with his career, while i am in my early 20s and already have a stable and growing career. He is trying to figure out a career but its taking time. I feel somewhat unfulfilled by the relationship, and while i feel happy that he wants to make a change in his life so that he can be stable and have a future with me, i still feel sad. He is everything I want and yet... something is off.

We have had a lot of open conversations about how I feel, he knows where i am at and we are trying to work on the relationship, but i am scared that no matter what, this weird feeling won't go away and I hate it, because I feel like i should be lucky to be loved so much by him. He is the first person who every treated me right in a relationship, and loved me so much and i don't want to lose such an amazing human being (and being friends wont be an option because i love him).

I know its a very open ended question, but have you ever been in a relationship that was 90% what you needed, but something in your gut felt like it wasn't enough? and what did you do?

If he had a good job/career going do think you would still feel that something was missing?

its a great question that i keep asking myself... and i dont know. I am not sure if i cant imagine whether he will even able to get this career going and growing, or if that won't be enough for me either. and, i hate myself for feeling this way.

Females mature faster than males, the male brain doesnt stop maturing until age 25 so maybe that's part of this man's problem, if indeed it is a problem. You just may be on a faster path than he is due to your maturity level.

its a great question that i keep asking myself... and i dont know. I am not sure if i cant imagine whether he will even able to get this career going and growing, or if that won't be enough for me either. and, i hate myself for feeling this way.

Is there another guy that has you intrigued?

If you've talked to your boyfriend about this then he's aware of your feelings so it wn't be a surprise to him if you should break up with him. Maybe that's what he needs to get his independent life started.

What is it that he wants to do that he can't seem to get going? Is it something doable or is he just a dreamer?

Long story short, been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I love him a lot and we have a strong relationship. We openly communicate our thoughts and feelings, and he has done a lot to adjust to better act with me. But, lately, for almost two months, while i love being with him and spending time with him, and i care about him, part of me feels like something is not enough...

What are you referring to here, exactly?

How did he act before?

Is there another guy that has you intrigued?

 

 

If you've talked to your boyfriend about this then he's aware of your feelings so it wn't be a surprise to him if you should break up with him. Maybe that's what he needs to get his independent life started.

 

What is it that he wants to do that he can't seem to get going? Is it something doable or is he just a dreamer?

So I haven't really felt intrigued by other men then the regular (oh he is cute).. i do imagine someone like him with his life more figured out..

I don't want to go into detail about his dreams, it's not something unattainable but he doesn't have a degree in anything so a lot of careers are limited for him... He has applied to a bunch of jobs that don't require a degree but can be promising degrees and hasn't yet heard back which concerns me.

Already asked

What are you referring to here, exactly?

 

How did he act before?

He wasn't the best at communication, would get angry or upset and speak to me roughly instead of explaining how he feels. He wasn't good at being open about what's going on in his life or being in touch with me. But now he learned that it's good for our relationship and it has only strengthened us.

He wasn't the best at communication, would get angry or upset and speak to me roughly instead of explaining how he feels. He wasn't good at being open about what's going on in his life or being in touch with me. But now he learned that it's good for our relationship and it has only strengthened us.

Thanks for answering

It changes your original poster.

It seems you two have had more issues on top of his lack of motivation.

It’s not 90. Having someone treat you nice, ‘now’ because he didn’t always does not a 90% relationship make.

You really have to start being honest with yourself not only about the reality of your incompadibility but you apparent struggle to let go.

Dating is about compatibility the whole process is to find that out once it’s eatabliahed ok we’re insync where it matters you can keep going but if the relationships foundation is, “ I have a boyfriend “ well you’re foing to end up here struggling to find happiness because the relationship isn’t fulfilling.

People break up over incompatibilities every day, I had to, it sucked because that core, I like you, you like me we have chemistry was there but if you can mesh well whats the long term outlook, you’re just prolonging your heartache.

You have to decide for yourself is this enough. It’s an incredibly personal thing and honestly I wouldn’t advise someone to walk away until they knew in their hearts if their goal was compatibility or I like him he likes me we get along.

He wasn't the best at communication, would get angry or upset and speak to me roughly instead of explaining how he feels. He wasn't good at being open about what's going on in his life or being in touch with me. But now he learned that it's good for our relationship and it has only strengthened us.

I strongly suspect this is influencing your current feelings more than you realize.

I don't mean to say that you are not genuinely concerned about his career prospects, but it doesn't sound as though that's been the only significant issue here. You two have only been together a year and you've already seen some red flags. I would bet it's a combination of your shaky past with him and his present employment situation that's leading you to doubt your overall compatibility.

He wasn't the best at communication, would get angry or upset and speak to me roughly instead of explaining how he feels. He wasn't good at being open about what's going on in his life or being in touch with me. But now he learned that it's good for our relationship and it has only strengthened us.

None of this is meant to drive a narrative that this guy actually is a fit for you-- I think you're experiencing a burnout which is typical when you've been with someone for a year but don't see a future with them. What I am a bit concerned about is all qualitative assessments being him having this shortcoming or that. I'm always wary of any implication coming from one partner that the other should do something or not do something. When you've got someone who's "90%" great and are convincing yourself they're at some sort of fault or discrepancy they should remedy to make up for the other 10% (him not having a career you deem suitable in a partner), and you find yourself in such a stasis as you are one year in, and unfortunately often much longer.

Well, I actually think that there's a difference between saying "he's everything I want" and "I want HIM". I think in most cases people can't explain true love and why we just get that special feeling about someone that we "just know" they're the right person. It doesn't sound to me like you have that good gut feeling about your boyfriend, and our gut feelings are usually right.

I think some people do take longer to get themselves together and get a degree, etc. For example, I was studying a degree in psychology but I kept taking time off from it. In the meantime I just worked in retail. I did get a certificate in mental health at 26, dipolma of disability at 30, and actual university degree at only 31. I've been working in the mental health field since the age of 29 so definitely a late starter. However I guess it depends if your boyfriend actually has any interest in anything and is studying or at least wants to study anything. Usually by this age people would be working towards something, even if they are still a student.

People have different deal breakers and I think if it really bothers you regarding your boyfriend's career then he's not the right person for you.

Have you discussed with him what he w wants to do for work in future?

Part of the success of finding the right life partner is knowing what you want and calling it when you don't have it and in this relationship at this time, you don't have it. Tell him you think the world of him and have enjoyed your time together and that when he gets his life sorted and finds a path of solid direction you be happy to hear from him and revisit the relationship potential the two of you have stumbled upon. He is not the last man on earth, don't settle for less than you know will make you happy.

As a wise man once told me, relationships don't happen in the future, they happen in the now. So, don't go through the relationship holding your breath for the big moment of change, it may never come.

I agree with the cautions about losing yourself in the miserable game of 'if only...'. It never feels right. By the time 'less than...' can become the 'more...' that you envision making things 'better...', another set of 'if only's' replaces the old barriers to happiness.

People aren't projects. While I can appreciate any loyalty you might feel toward the first BF who has not treated you badly, that's hardly a high enough bar of criteria for making someone right for you.

Most people are NOT our match. That doesn't make them wrong as people or anything less than wonderful. But don't you deserve to learn what it's like to feel the kind of simpatico with someone who resonates with you on every level as a whole-hearted YES?

Settling for less than that, especially while young, can be a long and difficult exercise in learning that we never get any time back to live over again.

I agree with the "people are not projects" comment. If you feel that he needs to improve in order for you to be happy with him, then you are not right for each other.

If his ambition or education or career choices annoy you, break up. You're not compatible and you don't respect him. Worry about your own career, finances, independence.

i am in my early 20s and already have a stable and growing career. He is trying to figure out a career but its taking time.

Nevermind.

Long story short, been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I love him a lot and we have a strong relationship. We openly communicate our thoughts and feelings, and he has done a lot to adjust to better act with me. But, lately, for almost two months, while i love being with him and spending time with him, and i care about him, part of me feels like something is not enough... he is in his mid twenties and has nothing going on yet with his career, while i am in my early 20s and already have a stable and growing career. He is trying to figure out a career but its taking time. I feel somewhat unfulfilled by the relationship, and while i feel happy that he wants to make a change in his life so that he can be stable and have a future with me, i still feel sad. He is everything I want and yet... something is off.

 

We have had a lot of open conversations about how I feel, he knows where i am at and we are trying to work on the relationship, but i am scared that no matter what, this weird feeling won't go away and I hate it, because I feel like i should be lucky to be loved so much by him. He is the first person who every treated me right in a relationship, and loved me so much and i don't want to lose such an amazing human being (and being friends wont be an option because i love him).

 

I know its a very open ended question, but have you ever been in a relationship that was 90% what you needed, but something in your gut felt like it wasn't enough? and what did you do?

Are you attracted to him? It sounds like one of those cases where they're perfect on paper, but the spark is missing. There's a difference between is he attractive, and are you attracted to him. I can guarantee if you had the hots for him you would be less concerned about his career and more concerned about not losing him. Just something to think about.

Are you attracted to him? It sounds like one of those cases where they're perfect on paper, but the spark is missing. There's a difference between is he attractive, and are you attracted to him. I can guarantee if you had the hots for him you would be less concerned about his career and more concerned about not losing him. Just something to think about.

I actually thought the opposite. The attraction is there which is allowing her to ignore his lack of motivation.

Maybe it’s those pesky evolutionary drives. Women tend to hold stability/provider capabilities higher than looks. That tends to be more inportant with the male species.

I think anyone man or woman with certain life goals and relationship goals are going to place a pretty high value on their partners career goals and their partners motivations and life goals.

I realize it might come off like Golddigger tendencies or whatever but I personally think any woman would be stupid to have her sh*t together and get with a man who doesn’t

#NoScrubs

Ok so I'm going to try to answer all questions, but bc I want to keep this more confidential, I'm not going to get too detailed.

1) I'm currently finishing my degree at a high ranking university and I'm top of my class,. I got a great job with great starting salary.

2) I don't want to go into how my bf spoke roughly but I have talked to other ppl in my life about this and I know that it was not okay (I have very objective ppl in my life who will tell me when I've been wrong).

3) I think a lot of you are right. I have a tendency to make a project out of people (I like to help people) , but I know it's my own problem and I don't like subjecting people to my standards if that's not them. However, when getting to know my bf, all he ever wanted was a stable financial life bc he never had this with his family, and so I felt the need to help him do that. His has one job prospect that still has no guarantee he will get. But, I do see he has a low motivation to try to find another career (or a job with growth prospects) just in case the one he wants doesn't work out.

4) I think a huge part of me is really loyal to him, but also I just care to make our relationship work because I know that life changes and sometimes it does take time for people to figure their stuff out. I don't really believe in breaking and getting back together, so I wouldn't want to do that .

I had a lot of thinking and I know I'm not out of love with him because of how I feel when I'm with him or not. I know that I care about him and want to make him happy and see him happy and help Hime make his dreams come true. So, I know that I don't want to give up on him.

Are you attracted to him? It sounds like one of those cases where they're perfect on paper, but the spark is missing. There's a difference between is he attractive, and are you attracted to him. I can guarantee if you had the hots for him you would be less concerned about his career and more concerned about not losing him. Just something to think about.

No amount of good looks will be able to take away how much a turn off having a lack of ambition and career prospects are to me. I'm sure a lot of women are the same. Looks are the cherry-I mean I have dated many good looking guys and if they lack the brains or the career and ambition, it just doesn't go anywhere.

No amount of good looks will be able to take away how much a turn off having a lack of ambition and career prospects are to me. I'm sure a lot of women are the same. Looks are the cherry-I mean I have dated many good looking guys and if they lack the brains or the career and ambition, it just doesn't go anywhere.

Yeah because in the history of the world no man or woman has let attraction get in the way of good judgement.

'Women tend to hold stability/provider capabilities higher than looks. '

______________

Some women, yes. Certainly not all women. :)

'Yeah because in the history of the world no man or woman has let attraction get in the way of good judgement.'

___________

Oh no. Of course not. Nothing's ever about attraction, good looks. It's all about those OTHER important qualities. :)

Thank you Sportster. Sometimes I feel as though I'm nuts. Comments like these kind of reassure me that I'm not.