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Thread: I have an amazing boyfriend but something still doesn't feel right. Normal?

  1. #21
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    Ok so I'm going to try to answer all questions, but bc I want to keep this more confidential, I'm not going to get too detailed.

    1) I'm currently finishing my degree at a high ranking university and I'm top of my class,. I got a great job with great starting salary.
    2) I don't want to go into how my bf spoke roughly but I have talked to other ppl in my life about this and I know that it was not okay (I have very objective ppl in my life who will tell me when I've been wrong).
    3) I think a lot of you are right. I have a tendency to make a project out of people (I like to help people) , but I know it's my own problem and I don't like subjecting people to my standards if that's not them. However, when getting to know my bf, all he ever wanted was a stable financial life bc he never had this with his family, and so I felt the need to help him do that. His has one job prospect that still has no guarantee he will get. But, I do see he has a low motivation to try to find another career (or a job with growth prospects) just in case the one he wants doesn't work out.
    4) I think a huge part of me is really loyal to him, but also I just care to make our relationship work because I know that life changes and sometimes it does take time for people to figure their stuff out. I don't really believe in breaking and getting back together, so I wouldn't want to do that .
    I had a lot of thinking and I know I'm not out of love with him because of how I feel when I'm with him or not. I know that I care about him and want to make him happy and see him happy and help Hime make his dreams come true. So, I know that I don't want to give up on him.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Are you attracted to him? It sounds like one of those cases where they're perfect on paper, but the spark is missing. There's a difference between is he attractive, and are you attracted to him. I can guarantee if you had the hots for him you would be less concerned about his career and more concerned about not losing him. Just something to think about.
    No amount of good looks will be able to take away how much a turn off having a lack of ambition and career prospects are to me. I'm sure a lot of women are the same. Looks are the cherry-I mean I have dated many good looking guys and if they lack the brains or the career and ambition, it just doesn't go anywhere.

  3. 03-07-2019, 12:20 AM

  4. #23
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    No amount of good looks will be able to take away how much a turn off having a lack of ambition and career prospects are to me. I'm sure a lot of women are the same. Looks are the cherry-I mean I have dated many good looking guys and if they lack the brains or the career and ambition, it just doesn't go anywhere.
    Yeah because in the history of the world no man or woman has let attraction get in the way of good judgement.

  5. #24
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    'Women tend to hold stability/provider capabilities higher than looks. '

    ______________

    Some women, yes. Certainly not all women. :)

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  7. #25
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    'Yeah because in the history of the world no man or woman has let attraction get in the way of good judgement.'

    ___________

    Oh no. Of course not. Nothing's ever about attraction, good looks. It's all about those OTHER important qualities. :)

    Thank you Sportster. Sometimes I feel as though I'm nuts. Comments like these kind of reassure me that I'm not.

  8. #26
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Yeah because in the history of the world no man or woman has let attraction get in the way of good judgement.
    In the history of the world no man or woman with a healthy sense of self has thought looks were enough.

    Unhealthy, young, stupid, no goals themselves, sure... but other than that, nope!

  9. #27
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    Ok well to make this easier, i am attracted to him but it's not only about his looks. Do you all have any comments about the main problem though? Cause its not really about whether I'm attracted to him or not.

  10. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to accept him as is. Do not push and shove him to be a clone of you. It's controlling, not "loyal, loving and helping people". Helping people is accepting them. Learn to put your ego aside and let him do whatever he sees fit. If that doesn't suit you step back and observe.

    Eventually your chronic rejection (yes, not accepting him is rejecting) will kill things as much as your mothering and fixing. Work on Your career, finances, future etc, leave him alone and treat him like a grown man who can think for himself. Perhaps get therapy for this tendency to be controlling/fixing and want people to be reflections or clones of you.

  11. #29
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    By "helping" him you are telling him he is incapable of running his own life. And that his own efforts are inadequate or ineffective.

    How would you feel if he decided to "help" you lose weight by throwing out your snack food and buying you celery sticks because he thought you were chubby, or "helped" you by buying you clothes because he thought you dressed frumpily? Or "helped" you by buying you breath mints because he said you have stinky breath?

    What do you think would happen if you stopped "helping" him?

  12. #30
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    My hubby was working part time, and raising our 1st the other part, and I told him to get a real job. He did. Not 3rd job after several years and making a six figure salary. This took about seven years. But to be honest, I knew he was the one for me from day one. If your gut is saying this is not the guy, even if he had the best job, you'd still be asking yourself this.

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