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Thread: I have an amazing boyfriend but something still doesn't feel right. Normal?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by moonandsun
    He wasn't the best at communication, would get angry or upset and speak to me roughly instead of explaining how he feels. He wasn't good at being open about what's going on in his life or being in touch with me. But now he learned that it's good for our relationship and it has only strengthened us.
    I strongly suspect this is influencing your current feelings more than you realize.

    I don't mean to say that you are not genuinely concerned about his career prospects, but it doesn't sound as though that's been the only significant issue here. You two have only been together a year and you've already seen some red flags. I would bet it's a combination of your shaky past with him and his present employment situation that's leading you to doubt your overall compatibility.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by moonandsun
    He wasn't the best at communication, would get angry or upset and speak to me roughly instead of explaining how he feels. He wasn't good at being open about what's going on in his life or being in touch with me. But now he learned that it's good for our relationship and it has only strengthened us.
    What are examples of things he'd get angry with you about? What does "speak roughly" mean? What things did you expect him to keep in touch with you about? What does he do for a living? What do you do for a living that's got you on a much higher ladder than him? I think the others are spot on with their more generalized advice, but if you want anything more tailored as to how conventionally rational your expectations are and whether you'd benefit from reflecting on them, whether for the sake of this relationship or a future one, I think examples would be prudent.

    None of this is meant to drive a narrative that this guy actually is a fit for you-- I think you're experiencing a burnout which is typical when you've been with someone for a year but don't see a future with them. What I am a bit concerned about is all qualitative assessments being him having this shortcoming or that. I'm always wary of any implication coming from one partner that the other should do something or not do something. When you've got someone who's "90%" great and are convincing yourself they're at some sort of fault or discrepancy they should remedy to make up for the other 10% (him not having a career you deem suitable in a partner), and you find yourself in such a stasis as you are one year in, and unfortunately often much longer.

  3. #13
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    Well, I actually think that there's a difference between saying "he's everything I want" and "I want HIM". I think in most cases people can't explain true love and why we just get that special feeling about someone that we "just know" they're the right person. It doesn't sound to me like you have that good gut feeling about your boyfriend, and our gut feelings are usually right.

    I think some people do take longer to get themselves together and get a degree, etc. For example, I was studying a degree in psychology but I kept taking time off from it. In the meantime I just worked in retail. I did get a certificate in mental health at 26, dipolma of disability at 30, and actual university degree at only 31. I've been working in the mental health field since the age of 29 so definitely a late starter. However I guess it depends if your boyfriend actually has any interest in anything and is studying or at least wants to study anything. Usually by this age people would be working towards something, even if they are still a student.

    People have different deal breakers and I think if it really bothers you regarding your boyfriend's career then he's not the right person for you.

    Have you discussed with him what he w wants to do for work in future?

  4. #14
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    Part of the success of finding the right life partner is knowing what you want and calling it when you don't have it and in this relationship at this time, you don't have it. Tell him you think the world of him and have enjoyed your time together and that when he gets his life sorted and finds a path of solid direction you be happy to hear from him and revisit the relationship potential the two of you have stumbled upon. He is not the last man on earth, don't settle for less than you know will make you happy.

    As a wise man once told me, relationships don't happen in the future, they happen in the now. So, don't go through the relationship holding your breath for the big moment of change, it may never come.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I agree with the cautions about losing yourself in the miserable game of 'if only...'. It never feels right. By the time 'less than...' can become the 'more...' that you envision making things 'better...', another set of 'if only's' replaces the old barriers to happiness.

    People aren't projects. While I can appreciate any loyalty you might feel toward the first BF who has not treated you badly, that's hardly a high enough bar of criteria for making someone right for you.

    Most people are NOT our match. That doesn't make them wrong as people or anything less than wonderful. But don't you deserve to learn what it's like to feel the kind of simpatico with someone who resonates with you on every level as a whole-hearted YES?

    Settling for less than that, especially while young, can be a long and difficult exercise in learning that we never get any time back to live over again.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    I agree with the "people are not projects" comment. If you feel that he needs to improve in order for you to be happy with him, then you are not right for each other.

  8. 03-06-2019, 01:58 AM
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    Troll

  9. 03-06-2019, 03:27 AM

  10. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If his ambition or education or career choices annoy you, break up. You're not compatible and you don't respect him. Worry about your own career, finances, independence.
    Originally Posted by moonandsun
    i am in my early 20s and already have a stable and growing career. He is trying to figure out a career but its taking time.

  11. #18
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    Nevermind.

  12. #19
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    Originally Posted by moonandsun
    Long story short, been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I love him a lot and we have a strong relationship. We openly communicate our thoughts and feelings, and he has done a lot to adjust to better act with me. But, lately, for almost two months, while i love being with him and spending time with him, and i care about him, part of me feels like something is not enough... he is in his mid twenties and has nothing going on yet with his career, while i am in my early 20s and already have a stable and growing career. He is trying to figure out a career but its taking time. I feel somewhat unfulfilled by the relationship, and while i feel happy that he wants to make a change in his life so that he can be stable and have a future with me, i still feel sad. He is everything I want and yet... something is off.

    We have had a lot of open conversations about how I feel, he knows where i am at and we are trying to work on the relationship, but i am scared that no matter what, this weird feeling won't go away and I hate it, because I feel like i should be lucky to be loved so much by him. He is the first person who every treated me right in a relationship, and loved me so much and i don't want to lose such an amazing human being (and being friends wont be an option because i love him).

    I know its a very open ended question, but have you ever been in a relationship that was 90% what you needed, but something in your gut felt like it wasn't enough? and what did you do?
    Are you attracted to him? It sounds like one of those cases where they're perfect on paper, but the spark is missing. There's a difference between is he attractive, and are you attracted to him. I can guarantee if you had the hots for him you would be less concerned about his career and more concerned about not losing him. Just something to think about.

  13. #20
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Are you attracted to him? It sounds like one of those cases where they're perfect on paper, but the spark is missing. There's a difference between is he attractive, and are you attracted to him. I can guarantee if you had the hots for him you would be less concerned about his career and more concerned about not losing him. Just something to think about.
    I actually thought the opposite. The attraction is there which is allowing her to ignore his lack of motivation.

    Maybe itís those pesky evolutionary drives. Women tend to hold stability/provider capabilities higher than looks. That tends to be more inportant with the male species.


    I think anyone man or woman with certain life goals and relationship goals are going to place a pretty high value on their partners career goals and their partners motivations and life goals.

    I realize it might come off like Golddigger tendencies or whatever but I personally think any woman would be stupid to have her sh*t together and get with a man who doesnít

    #NoScrubs

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