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My ex bf of 6.5 years left me for someone else but I can't stop hoping


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Firstly, forgive me for my English. It's my second language.

 

I had been with my bf for 6.5 years since I was 18. He was my first everything. We shared almost everything in common including belief, hobbies etc. We were SO in love with no big arguments ever but of course there were some ups and downs like other couples. We talked about our future together and planned a marriage 2 years from now. He even said that I was the only one who understand him and could share his world.

 

Months ago I felt that he became cold and distant somehow so I asked him. He remained silent for a little before confessed to me that he'd been avoiding me because he fell in love with his coworker. (They knew each other around 4 months.)

 

I was totally shocked. I cried and tried to calm myself down before asking him if I've done anything wrong or is there anything about our relationship that we can fix it together but he refused them all. He said that I was doing nothing wrong but he was just confused & wanted to break up to figure himself out and he wanted to be alone.

 

The break up was out of the blue for me like 5 hours before our break up he still said that he loves & misses me but it seems he had thought about it for months ...

Later he said that I was too demanding & couldn't share his world anymore and brought up little arguments from months ago as reasons he fell out of love with me, which he never mentioned/communicated about them with me before.

 

and the day after he said he didn't want our relationship & wanted to be alone, he confessed to his coworker and started seeing her.

 

I know I should move on since he's now so happy with his new love. It felt like he has changed into someone I don't know anymore.

I know he might miss me sometime but not in the way I wanted and/or not enough to come back.

I know the new girl is not better than me, just different in some aspects but still, I felt I was replaced so easily. He treated me like our 6.5 years was nothing at all and that makes my heart shattered in pieces.

 

I tried to stop thinking whatifs & blaming myself, actually I was in self-blame state for almost 2 months though everyone around me said it wasn't my fault but now I felt like I'm doing better each day.

 

Still, I can't stop hoping that he will eventually come back.

 

I tried to distract myself with work and hobbies but I can't get him out of my head.

 

It's been 3 months since the break up and 2 months NC.

 

It was so hard at first but I've already prepared myself for Life-time NC and will stick to it. Still, I'm sad about what happened between us and the thought of Life-time NC with the one who once was my best friend/boyfriend is so depressing.

 

My mind knows he was so disrespectful by stringing me along for months / choosing not to communicated with me about problems in our relationship so he doesn't deserve my love but my heart still aches for him.

 

I tried to take it one day at a time but I don't know how to accept it and fully let him go when a part of me is still hoping him to come back to me like this.

 

How do you stop hoping and truly let him go ? or really only the time will lessen them all though now I don't feel like it will ...

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I feel so sorry for you, i know what its life for a first love to leave you for a co-worker, hell mine even married the dude. i even ran into the dude and he told me she was a thinking i didn't know about them.

 

nothing more disrespectful, rude and just flat out .

 

i know when mine reached out nearly a year later i froze and didn't respond and hung up the phone and that was back in 2012.

 

i know its easy for everyone to say " just let go" or they tell you what you want to hear like " their not as good as you" or "they'll come back"

 

at the end of the day your friends aren't feeling the pain and they don't know what to do about it either and you're the one that has to sleep at night not only morning the relationship but morning a betrayal.

 

holding onto them coming back isn't a wise move because they disrespected you, didn't care about your feelings and did things that suited them as this person is obviously a gutless coward. people like this do not deserve to be happy while they leave someone else broken into pieces.

 

do you honestly want this person back?

 

do you really want them to have another chance at doing this again?

 

do you feel they deserve to have your heart?

 

these are serious questions to ask yourself. because if they come back you will have to deal with what happened

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@magicman89

 

I'm sorry to hear about your story too.

 

You're right. These are questions I'm asking myself over and over and to be honest, I'm not sure about the answer too.

It's like my mind thought that I don't want him anymore.

Though we have a lot in common, but disrespectful/immature are not things I want in my partner for life but somehow I even found myself rationalized things that he did.

Maybe because a part of me still loves him ... and another part tried to seek for some validation I supposed.

 

I know it's his right to end the relationship ... but at least amicably when we both tried to work it out together, not in the way my heart was shattered in million pieces like this.

 

He said he does feel guilty and know that he did it in the wrong way but his words didn't make me feel any better.

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@magicman89

 

I'm sorry to hear about your story too.

 

You're right. These are questions I'm asking myself over and over and to be honest, I'm not sure about the answer too.

It's like my mind thought that I don't want him anymore.

Though we have a lot in common, but disrespectful/immature are not things I want in my partner for life but somehow I even found myself rationalized things that he did.

Maybe because a part of me still loves him ... and another part tried to seek for some validation I supposed.

 

I know it's his right to end the relationship ... but at least amicably when we both tried to work it out together, not in the way my heart was shattered in million pieces like this.

 

He said he does feel guilty and know that he did it in the wrong way but his words didn't make me feel any better.

 

Thank you, i appreciate the kind words.

 

Do you honestly love someone that disrespected you tho?

 

I know after my ex's cheated on me and I gave them another chance I always wondered what other people thought about us and our relationship. I couldn't stop thinking if i was honestly the one they wanted or if i was the only option they had.

 

It sucks that someone you showed nothing but respect to shows you none in return and in my experiences they became the biggest pieces of after it to, they became extremely cold, acting like you were like a germ that they couldn't scrub off their skin fast enough.

 

the problem is he may say he feels guilty but is he using you to make himself feel better for his actions while you are still trying to deal with his decisions effects on you?

 

I've had an ex legit throw everything but the kitchen sink at me emotionally trying to justify why they screwed up the trust. but when they did the action did they care about how it effected you?

 

give me your thoughts I'm more than happy to help

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@magicman89

 

His actions really do show me that he doesn't care about my feeling at all, and to be honest, He's now much like a stranger to me since he's changed so much to win the girl.

 

I really want to stop hoping that he will come back and I know things will not ever be the same anymore. Maybe I'm just grieving over what could have been between us.

Still, the back of my mind aches for him, for things that does not exist and it hurts knowing that ...

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@magicman89

 

His actions really do show me that he doesn't care about my feeling at all, and to be honest, He's now much like a stranger to me since he's changed so much to win the girl.

 

I really want to stop hoping that he will come back and I know things will not ever be the same anymore. Maybe I'm just grieving over what could have been between us.

Still, the back of my mind aches for him, for things that does not exist and it hurts knowing that ...

 

Honestly,

 

this guy is no prize, far from it.

 

i know your heart is hurting, I've been in this exact position. it sucks, you don't understand how someone that loves you just suddenly leaves and has something else out of the blue too just to put the cherry on top!

 

but the truth of it is, this person will probably do this to the next person too, i know my ex's have not been loyal to there next partners that they've left me for and the only difference between our relationship and there new one is no one has left YET.

 

with that YET being said. even if he calls its not worth even paying the dude the respect of having a chat, because this person showed you none.

 

your heart will hurt and it may effect you a long time like it did for me. id love to say i found light at the end of the tunnel but i haven't, but honestly i wouldn't take my ex's back. just sucks finding someone new that you can trust and believe in after like this happens to your life

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Hi Snowy* ~ I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there....

 

Whether you would want your ex back or not, you are still grieving a big loss and I'm sorry to say that 2-3 months out of a 6.5 relationship is not very long at all...

 

So unfortunately, as the old cliche goes, it's just going to take time....How much time we don't know but that doesn't really matter anyway. There is no rule book on how long it takes....Hell I'm 17 months out and actually had a good day today if you know what I mean? :-/

 

You are doing the right things. Just eat and sleep the best you can. Take good care of yourself because your body will need good fuel to get through this. Go for walks. Start looking at what you can do today, and also what you can do to start getting your life back on track...Again there is no rush....

 

Welcome to the forum*

You are not Alone*

 

Carus*

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Oh honey, I am so sorry. This was a terrible thing that he did.

 

You do not want someone like this back, as he is a cheat and a liar. He continued to disrespect you, by stinging you along, clearly knowing that he was going to stay with her.

 

Time does heal. Keep busy and get involved in new activities and hang out with friends. It helps.

 

Block him!

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I'm so sorry for your pain. Please do be kind to yourself and know that eventually as you keep on going, working, spending time with friends, you will start to think less and less about your ex. It's just that 3 months after 6.5 years is but a drop in the bucket. It takes about a year to really start feeling right and it kind of sneaks up on you when one day you realize that the ex hasn't crossed your mind in ages and, more importantly, that remembering him no longer raises your blood pressure. You are just kind of meh about them.

Meanwhile, you just have to get through day by day. Some days will just be better than others, but with time, you'll have more and more good days.

 

He was your first everything and your first break up too. Not going to demonize the guy because these kinds of got together young relationships almost never work out in the long run. People do outgrow each other or simply want to spread their wings and explore. Very few are content to settle down for life with their first and even those few that do, often come to regret the decision later in life and crave what they missed out on. So in a way, this break up is a blessing in disguise as difficult as it is to believe right now.

 

As for the way he started to nit pick things....honestly, not uncommon for people to do that when they are trying to detach. It's easier to end an obviously bad relationship with major problems. Much much more difficult to end things when the relationship itself is fairly smooth, but you just want to go in a different direction. So people will nit pick, start picking arguments over nothing, pointing out "flaws" that never bothered them before. Please understand that none of that is about you. It's just their detachment process. It's like they can't go away without convincing themselves that the relationship was bad, when it actually wasn't. In short, don't take his mean comments personally. Understand also that once someone decides to end a long term relationship, they really have thought about it and do mean to get out. They aren't looking to work on things or fix things. Quite frankly, nothing might be broken other than they just want to go in a different direction in life and without you. So looking back and saying "why didn't he just come to me about these issues, I could have fix them" is a fool's errand on your part. They already made the decision independently. The rest is just a process. You can hope that a partner will be more straightforward or kinder, but it's rarely the case. Look at this more as signs of trouble to look out for in the future.

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@magicman89

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope both you and me will find the light at the end of the tunnel someday.

 

@Carus

 

Hi Carus !

Thank you so much for your kindness. I, too, have some days when I thought I felt alright and in the next day I'm crushed lol I try not to rush things though I really want to get out of such a state in my life ...

Hope we both will be healed someday.

 

@Hollyj

 

Thank you so much. It's really, really breaking my heart every single time I think about his 'emotionally cheated' on me for months. I even asked him about the girl and that time he even said 'it's nothing / no way'.

 

I tried to get him out of my head and I really want to wish him happiness someday ... but to know that he's now so happy with his new love while I'm so hurt picking up the pieces alone is so depressing ...

 

@DancingFool

 

Thank you so much for a new perspective.

There's still a part of me that keeps asking 'whys / hows' and I know it won't do me any good. The more I think about them, the more I'm hurt.

I even blamed myself for 2 months because of my flaws that he pointed out or thought about why he was so cold doing this cruel thing to me, what's the point of feeling guilty but do nothing about it etc.

 

I try to stop assuming things, but the thought that he's now 32, ready to get married and maybe will be married to the girl in the not-so-far future makes my heart clenched.

 

I will try to live my life one day at a time ... though it's been so empty in the world without him.

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What the...

Am I the only one who thinks it's a huge red flag for a 25 year old to be running after an 18 year old?!

 

OP, you are 24 now, can you imagine seriously dating a 17/18 year old straight out of high school at this point in your life? That's about what your ex was up to with you.

 

This is a blessing in disguise. You tried to skip the being your own person and coming into your own. Went straight from parents to a man, and now that it went sideways you are not only grieving that he's gone but for the first time in your life actually tasked with doing something on your own. It's an opportunity. Use it to grow, to learn about yourself and to stand independently. Then the world is your oyster.

 

Just my two cents. I wonder if its cultural or your own individual personality that drew you to this guy at 18?

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@itsallgrand

 

Maybe the 6-year age gap is not strange in my culture I think. lol

 

We met in the language school, started talking as a friend, clicked and dated since then.

We were so much alike in almost everything so we got along very well like a real best friend.

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I’m sorry that you are hurting. Break-ups are hard and the emotions you are experiencing are normal. I would suggest that you seek support from friends and family for emotional comfort and encouragement. These feelings will pass. It will get better. Is counseling an option? Would you consider seeking a professional to give you guidance and support? Don’t let this situation rob you of your peace. I’m praying for you.

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I too have asked those questions like you. And I can tell you from experience that all of your questions are answered with one single word. Fear.

You don't want to let him go because of fear.

Don't know how to move on? Fear.

Hoping he comes back to you? Because of fear.

You are afraid of what is out there that you want to hold on to the most comfortable thought, memory, person you know. Your X. I know its very scary. I know that letting go of your X means that you let go of all hope. Im here to tell you that it doesn't. Holding on to your X is what is preventing you from finding love and happiness again. Understand that you will find love and be happy again, but first you will have to accept its going to be with another person. Your X has moved on.

The only person in the world that can find happiness is you. You have to be willing to let go of your X and put the past behind you before you can move forward. I know you can do it. I know its scary, but the love of your life is out there, and he is looking for you all you have to do is let go and let him find you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Snowyday. You are not alone.

 

Your story is extremely similar to mine! I was also in a 6.5 year long relationship, 6 years age difference (only I am the oldest here), BU straight out of the blue after a period of him being distant. The "it's nothing wrong with you"-part, and the "I need to be alone" speech. Then there suddenly was a coworker in the picture after about 1 week after the break up. So yeah, I feel ya'!

 

First of all - you're not abnormal or anything for feeling the way you do. Secondly - its f*ing hard to get through this ! For me, it's been a survival struggle. Just taking one day at a time, one thing, one day, one week... You know.

 

I don't know about you, but for me it was like my whole future dissapeared, and even though I KNOW there's probably quite a few good things out there for me to experience, I'm just not interested. It feels like a "Plan B", something you have to execute because the thing you wanted didn't work. And it's like "okeyish". I felt like I needed to accept that life would be okeyish, and everything above that would be a good surprise. I'm not into the whole "there are bigger and better rhings out there for you". I didn't believe it when I was happy in a relationship, and I don't believe it now. So that's where I'm at, 7 months in... Sorry to say. This sh*t takes time... But it won't feel horrible all the time, it comes an goes in waves, and then each wave is easier to stomach each time, passes quicklier.

 

I also felt like you - like everything I knew about him and rebound relationships and everything just logically would implode at a point.

 

I initiatet NC the second he told me about newgirl, and I've keept to that. Until now. I think the whole NC-regime needs to be evaluated, and what it does for different people depends on the person. BUT NC worked for me as a way of telling him his choice led to him loosing me (he was always very clear about wanting to "stay friends"). it also worked for me as a way of getting distance. He wasn't in my life anymore, but I still loved him, and wouldn't be able to see him without wanting the relationship-affection so... And I never googlet newgilr, didn't snoop on his facebook etc, blocked him everywhere, because doing the snooping-thing only makes you feel worse...

 

BUT

 

After a while I noticed that i had alot of unsaid things, and a lot of kindling hope that just wouldn't go out. So after people telling me he wasn't doing to good I did contact him. And he confirmed that he's actually feeling quite lost. He's in pain, he regerets things, he misses me etc. And even though it might not be anything more than that knowlegde to gain from breaking NC, it still feels good. It didn't make me hope more, because he just confirmed all the things I was thinking anyway, and it didn't make me hurt more either, because the situastion is as it is. But i couldn't have done it earlier in the process, because then his heasitation to act would have killed me.

 

So you hav to decide what is good for you. I'm advicing NC, and more often than not, breaking it makes you feel worse, so it's a good tool to get back on your feet. But then you have to decide on the whole NC versus closure - thing. Some people are better off closing the door, and just keep walking. Some people need to open it once in a while. Some people run for the hills, and then they come back to the same door. And there's success stories about every one of those different paths.

 

I think the important thing is to survive - and finda a way to survive the best you can. Don't let the "never again"- thoughts get to you, because you don't know the answers to them anyway. For me my hobbies worked, reading LOTS of books (then I could focus on something other than my own thoughts), talking to people in similar situations (like on this forum) and remembering that I wasn't alone. I wasn't a failure.

 

Hang in there!

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@Flipp

 

Our story is indeed almost similar. I'm so sorry to hear your story too.

I remained in NC for 2-3 months ... and a week ago he was the one who broke it.

 

He sent me a heartbroken song ... which is about loneliness & misses me & regrets & can't find someone like me and I was totally shocked and confused.

 

At first I thought I'd ignore him but I wanted to know the reason of his action since he was the one who did NC thing strictly,

so I asked him why he did this and told him that he shouldn't do something like this because he's now happily seeing the new girl.

 

He just said sorry and he'd delete it. He said he didn't know why he sent me the song either.

That left me devastated and confused again.

 

Our conversation just ended like that and we went NC again from that day. This time may be for real because I don't think he will do it again since I've already told him not to.

 

But of course I'm still confused. Why sending me this song when he's now happy with the girl so much (I'm sure about that.) ... and worse is he said he didn't even know himself.

 

Now I continue to try to stay in Lifetime NC again though ... but it still hurts.

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@Flipp

 

Our story is indeed almost similar. I'm so sorry to hear your story too.

I remained in NC for 2-3 months ... and a week ago he was the one who broke it.

 

He sent me a heartbroken song ... which is about loneliness & misses me & regrets & can't find someone like me and I was totally shocked and confused.

 

At first I thought I'd ignore him but I wanted to know the reason of his action since he was the one who did NC thing strictly,

so I asked him why he did this and told him that he shouldn't do something like this because he's now happily seeing the new girl.

 

He just said sorry and he'd delete it. He said he didn't know why he sent me the song either.

That left me devastated and confused again.

 

Our conversation just ended like that and we went NC again from that day. This time may be for real because I don't think he will do it again since I've already told him not to.

 

But of course I'm still confused. Why sending me this song when he's now happy with the girl so much (I'm sure about that.) ... and worse is he said he didn't even know himself.

 

Now I continue to try to stay in Lifetime NC again though ... but it still hurts.

 

Wow. Well, same thing happened to me now too! Or, we're 7,8 months down the road now, and I sort of broke NC because I spoke to his mother, an then she prompted him (not because I said so) to email me. But he says he misses me and that everything sucks. He's struggeling big time, but doesn't know what to do. So, he's not DOING anything either. Just sending me sad, heartbroken emails about how he wished he could fix things and that no matter what he does he hurts someone. It's really hard to deal with, because part of me, okey, I admit, MOST of me, wants him back. But It still has to be his choice. I suggested he go to therapy (even inclosed a link to a therepy service in town) and told him to figure out what he wants.

 

So you're by far stronger than I am! :D

 

And - most likely there will be people her telling you to keep NC, that he's just "checking the waters" so to speak, knowing that you're available gives him room to stay with newgirl. I don't know if I see it like that, but hey that's me. I think he DID think of you, if not he wouldn't have sent the song. And - you know him better than any of us here. I know my ex kept the NC I initiatet because he didn't want to hurt me, and that he contacted me because he truly feels lost. I don't believe for one second that he's doing this to manipulate me in any way, and that it's a super painful process for him. That being said, I could choose to say "too little, too late" to protect myself, but I DO want him back, and if me being open to the notion gives him an incentive to actually come back, great. But I'm very careful that I don't let this rule my life now. I might be hoping, but I was doing that anyway.

 

Would you want him back after everything?

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@Flipp

 

To be very very honest, I don't know.

Above that, I don't think he will come back either.

 

I mean ... I know he misses me, I really know that

but it's not enough for him to properly act on it except confusedly sent me just a mere song and don't even know himself.

 

Like you said, I don't think he's trying to manipulate me too. He's just confused ... and maybe he's not anymore since he still continued seeing her.

 

Also, the girl who he emotionally cheated with and now seeing is his co-worker in the same team.

If he really comes back to me, it will be very hard for both of us ... oh, and for her too. (She met me once though ... and know that I was his long term girlfriend.)

 

I think the trust issue will be a huge thing in our relationship, because they meet each other at work everyday and I'm not sure that I can wholeheartedly trust him again soon.

 

If he's really, truly sorry and put an effort enough, maybe I'll consider it,

but if he came back because she rejected him, it'd be a no I think ....

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