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Thread: Many people hate me and it's my own fault - how do I move on?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    When you say you've had therapy and it didn't work, what does that mean?

  2. #12
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    Thanks for replying. I had months and months of face-to-face counselling, then I had to stop. I was due to see another counselor but obviously with Covid that's not able to go ahead at the moment.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Lemon2018
    Thanks for replying. I had months and months of face-to-face counselling, then I had to stop. I was due to see another counselor but obviously with Covid that's not able to go ahead at the moment.
    There isn't a therapist alive that can knock your own decisions out of your own hands. Healing doesn't just happen 'to' us, it requires our own willingness and participation. If you want to keep drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's just not going to bring you the opposite results.

    Your friend forgave you and resumed participation in your life. You wrote that she continually reassured you, but why would she need to do that?

    Whatever spinning you did to provoke reassurances from friend to the degree that she was exasperated and cut you off are the same behaviors you use to prevent your own healing.

    So what are those, and what can you do to train yourself away from them?

  4. #14
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    Thank you. That's not the reason she changed her mind though. It was mainly at first that she could see I was anxious about it and reassured me. She just said she didn't want me in her life anymore because of what happened. She said she can't understand it- I don't even understand it so I can't blame her for that.

    I have been trying so hard to move on. I don't know how to do that when I miss her. And I am lonely. I have no friends. It's extremely shameful and embarrassing to have no friends because of your own horrible action. I have tried joining clubs to make friends but I've found it difficult to form bonds with people. I had a big birthday last year and I spent it with just my bf. No party, no gathering, no one else to celebrate with. I saw my family for a bit (when I arranged it myself) but as mentioned, we're not close.

    I've been getting up, going to work, putting in a brave face. I've been arranging things to do with my bf and son so we have things to look forward to. Doesn't matter what I do, it just hurts.

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  6. #15
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    Another day of waking up and wanted to go back to sleep forever. When will this end. I just want to feel like I have a normal life. This isn't normal. It's been 15 months. Will I feel like this forever? It's looking that way.

  7. #16
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    What is it, exactly, that you are making your happiness contingent upon?

    If you decide that you can't be happy without the friend who dumped you, you're robbing your son and BF of a fully present and invested mother and GF. Lot's of people don't even have 1 person in their lives, much less 2.

    So consider the gratitude you feel for your son and BF as a foundation, and then make choices about how you will build upon that.

    Keep your expectations realistic. Friendships don't just fall into place. They take time. Adult friendships take a willingness to respect the limitations of others. That's why we mature into forming different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs, because our younger days of homogenizing with one or two 'best' friends were based on blank slates. Adults solidify into personalities that won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's where limitations come in.

    So our tennis friend may be lousy at conversation, a shopping friend may not share our religion or politics, a friend in whom we can confide may hate events or road trips or parties. Everyone has limits to the focus they can offer a friendship, so we form limited acquaintances based on small bits of common ground. Over time one or two of those might strengthen into a real friendship.

    I would consult with a doctor to rule in or out depression. That's not just sadness, it's a chemical imbalance in the body that may require chemical treatment until it lifts to the right level. There is no one-size-fits-all treatment, it's an art to get the right med at the right dosage. Working with a therapist who partners with your doctor to monitor treatment results is the best way to learn what works and what does not.

    Change is a decision. It won't just happen 'to' you or 'for' you, and it's a choice nobody else can make for you. Decide whether you will focus on moving in the right direction. That requires relinquishment of the self talk that drills you into a deeper hole, and that kind of self talk IS within your own control.

    Choose wisely.

  8. #17
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    Thanks. I appreciate your reply.

    I am very grateful to have my son and my bf. They're the reason I am still here. I don't want to feel this was. I have been trying hard to focus on them, and I have been doing, but I'm still very lonely, hated and humiliated.

    I think that the lockdown isn't helping at all. A lot of people are getting through this by socialising online. I felt that I had to leave Facebook as I knew most of my friends through my friend and they all hated me, and most of my photos were of times I'd spent with her. Even if I kept it, the remaining "friends" would see what little life I have now and it would just make me feel worse.

    Forming friendships has always been extremely difficult because I'm really awkward socially. My sister has autism and I think I might be on the spectrum.

    I did go to see my doctor regarding the depression. But I'm not depressed due to a chemical imbalance. Prior to this I was happy. If I woke up and realised this had all been a bad dream, I'd be happy. I just wish so much that this never happened.

  9. #18
    hi there Lemon,
    i can identify with what you are saying, and some of the helpful comments. i especially like the expression "drilling yourself into a hole". i think i do that a lot. im just embarrassed to be me, feel like i have no right to be amongst my fellow men; that i just not worthy. indeed this is coupled with a sensation that i can't actually trust myself completely., that some how i could just get an urge to just break out and tell them all to go "F.." themselves. i suppose i feel like an outsider, but i want to be an insider, yet i can't because i feel no one will accept me, and i because i dont really feel able to bond with them.

    reading your continuous pain, and the undending hole you are drilling, i look at myself and see myself doing the same, and it just makes me want to laugh; i mean, i get this sort of burst of joy because i suddenly dont feel alone anymore. i mean we could have a coffee together and just have a good laugh about how paranoid we have become, how we loose all sense of proportion.

    my story is very different to yours: i have just been an arrogant runt for years, feeling superior to most people, whilst going through phases of too much dope and porn. i had i high idea of myself, when in fact i was capable of some pretty low stuff, and its hard to look myself in the mirror. indeed, that seems to be the crux of the problem; not so much what other people think but me not being able to accept myself. feeling like im worth nothing.

    but as the readers say, even if we feel we are worthless, so long as one or two other people consider us an acceptable person (not everyone) we've got something to build on; and yes its true, all human beings have the more or less intensely the kind of thoughts and feelings we have; so were one big happy family of pathetic people struggling to regain our dignity.

    lets all accept that we are weak together; that will lead to empathy and friendship, and maybe even, improve and renew our fallen nature.

    many thanks for baring your soul online.

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