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Thread: 1 year since abortion - how to mark it?

  1. #1
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    1 year since abortion - how to mark it?

    Iím coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my abortion. Even though I had no regrets at the time, I still feel compelled to mark it in some way - I had a little cry tonight. My family donít know about it so it has to be low key - normally I would write something down (as a letter) but that just doesnít feel right this time. Does anyone have any ideas?

    I also just find it unfair that the father (my ex who I broke up with a while ago now) wonít even notice or care. It wonít be on his radar whatsoever. He didnít support me at the time so I have no expectation but it just feels wrong that we created that little baby and itís only me that will acknowledge it ever existed. Itís also why I feel more than ever that if I donít mark the anniversary in some way Iím letting he/she down again.

    Thanks

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    This is an online sea of candles ....so you can name a candle or just mark the anniversary and see your candle just floating there with all the others x It gives you something to physically do and then to look at with your private thoughts x

    [Register to see the link]

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    Forgot to add ....lots of love on this difficult day x

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    So, so sorry you're going through this. It's a bereavement, but one it's so difficult to share. I used to work for a phone helpline, primarily for people who were contemplating suicide, but really there for anyone who needed a listening ear, and calls from girls in your situation were not uncommon. I really used to feel for them in their grief - absolutely heart-rending.

    As for marking the occasion; would any of the following work for you? Lighting a candle; creating a mini 'shrine' with flowers or a plant; finding some pebbles from the garden and arranging them in a way which would be meaningful for you; going to visit a place which has meaning for you, and just spending some quiet time there?

    (((HUGE HUGS))) and wishing you all the best in finding a meaningful way to express this memory.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you are feeling that you need to mark this in some way. Why do that? (serious question).

    If it were me, I'd accept my decision, know within that I made the right choice since he wanted nothing to do with the baby/me/termination and I was not equipped financially or emotionally to care for baby on my own and I'd do my best to put it all behind me.

    To each their own of course, however: Would you consider getting a therapist to help you cope with any lingering guilt and/or regret you are feeling? I think it would be good for you to get to a point where you no longer want to mark the date. In the meantime, perhaps you could put a small personal entry in your local paper where your identity would remain confidential to help you with what it is you want to do?

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree with ThatWasThen. But instead of something in the newspaper, how about a donation to Planned Parenthood in hopes other girls will learn how to not get pregnant if they dont want to be.

    I had an abortion many years ago and never felt an urge to mark the date, so I admit I dont understand your thinking.

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I had an abortion many years ago and never felt an urge to mark the date, so I admit I dont understand your thinking.
    Sadly, quite a few young women in the OP's situation feel a huge sense of loss, including those who were 100% certain that the abortion was the right thing for them at the time. The particularly vulnerable times are at the anniversary of the termination itself, or - tragically - the hypothetical birth date which they've calculated given the timings of everything else.

    I've never wanted kids, never been pregnant - but sitting at the end of a phone line whilst the girl at the other end sobs her heart out non-stop for two hours does give you a clue as to what they may be going through.

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    Originally Posted by Koala2018
    Iím coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my abortion. Even though I had no regrets at the time, I still feel compelled to mark it in some way - I had a little cry tonight. My family donít know about it so it has to be low key - normally I would write something down (as a letter) but that just doesnít feel right this time. Does anyone have any ideas?

    I also just find it unfair that the father (my ex who I broke up with a while ago now) wonít even notice or care. It wonít be on his radar whatsoever. He didnít support me at the time so I have no expectation but it just feels wrong that we created that little baby and itís only me that will acknowledge it ever existed. Itís also why I feel more than ever that if I donít mark the anniversary in some way Iím letting he/she down again.

    Thanks
    You never know - he could be grieving in his own way and part of coping is not picking at an old wound and seeing or contacting you. if you are broken up and have no contact, he doesn't "owe" you to contact you or to share. It sounds like you are looking for an excuse for contact. I doubt that he needs to be reminded about what happened.

    but it just feels wrong that we created that little baby and itís only me that will acknowledge it ever existed. I

    Well, you terminated the pregnancy because you didn't want the baby, nor wanted another family to have the baby, so I think being upset that he doesn't "acknowledge" the baby is misplaced, that it feels "wrong* to not acknowledge the baby but it was't wrong to abort them? That seems a bit messed up. I highly suggest grief counseling and personal counseling.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    Sadly, quite a few young women in the OP's situation feel a huge sense of loss, including those who were 100% certain that the abortion was the right thing for them at the time. The particularly vulnerable times are at the anniversary of the termination itself, or - tragically - the hypothetical birth date which they've calculated given the timings of everything else.

    I've never wanted kids, never been pregnant - but sitting at the end of a phone line whilst the girl at the other end sobs her heart out non-stop for two hours does give you a clue as to what they may be going through.
    I still see zero reason to keep reliving what they chose to do by marking the anniversary of our decisions. Its akin of punishing oneself for doing what was the right thing to do under the circumstances. By marking the date, she is keeping herself mired in guilt. Why put herself through that. It is best to move on and do ones best to come to terms with the decision either alone or if unable to do that, then with the help of a counselor that can guide her past her emotional attachment to what might have been but never was.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I still see zero reason to keep reliving what they chose to do by marking the anniversary of our decisions. Its akin of punishing oneself for doing what was the right thing to do under the circumstances. By marking the date, she is keeping herself mired in guilt. Why put herself through that. It is best to move on and do ones best to come to terms with the decision either alone or if unable to do that, then with the help of a counselor that can guide her past her emotional attachment to what might have been but never was.
    Very good points.
    I have a friend who lost her mother and leading up to the annivesary of her mom's death she says "i am taking the day off on that date because i know i am going to be very sad that day". I could understand if on the anniversary of her mother's death she went to the cematary or something or that grief comes in waves and she is hit unexpectedly, but she almost "plans to be sad". If a friend calls for any reason that day, she refuses the call, even if its important and she texts back "sorry, its the anniversary of mom's death. Not answering today" She has not shifted to celebrating mom's birthday. Her dad has been gone way longer and she has a toast for her dad on his birthday. Dad has been gone 30 years, mom has been gone 10.

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