1 year since abortion - how to mark it?

I’m coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my abortion. Even though I had no regrets at the time, I still feel compelled to mark it in some way - I had a little cry tonight. My family don’t know about it so it has to be low key - normally I would write something down (as a letter) but that just doesn’t feel right this time. Does anyone have any ideas?

I also just find it unfair that the father (my ex who I broke up with a while ago now) won’t even notice or care. It won’t be on his radar whatsoever. He didn’t support me at the time so I have no expectation but it just feels wrong that we created that little baby and it’s only me that will acknowledge it ever existed. It’s also why I feel more than ever that if I don’t mark the anniversary in some way I’m letting he/she down again.

Thanks

This is an online sea of candles ....so you can name a candle or just mark the anniversary and see your candle just floating there with all the others x It gives you something to physically do and then to look at with your private thoughts x

http://www.lightacandle.co.uk/showall.html

Forgot to add ....lots of love on this difficult day x

So, so sorry you're going through this. It's a bereavement, but one it's so difficult to share. I used to work for a phone helpline, primarily for people who were contemplating suicide, but really there for anyone who needed a listening ear, and calls from girls in your situation were not uncommon. I really used to feel for them in their grief - absolutely heart-rending.

As for marking the occasion; would any of the following work for you? Lighting a candle; creating a mini 'shrine' with flowers or a plant; finding some pebbles from the garden and arranging them in a way which would be meaningful for you; going to visit a place which has meaning for you, and just spending some quiet time there?

(((HUGE HUGS))) and wishing you all the best in finding a meaningful way to express this memory.

I'm sorry you are feeling that you need to mark this in some way. Why do that? (serious question).

If it were me, I'd accept my decision, know within that I made the right choice since he wanted nothing to do with the baby/me/termination and I was not equipped financially or emotionally to care for baby on my own and I'd do my best to put it all behind me.

To each their own of course, however: Would you consider getting a therapist to help you cope with any lingering guilt and/or regret you are feeling? I think it would be good for you to get to a point where you no longer want to mark the date. In the meantime, perhaps you could put a small personal entry in your local paper where your identity would remain confidential to help you with what it is you want to do?

I agree with ThatWasThen. But instead of something in the newspaper, how about a donation to Planned Parenthood in hopes other girls will learn how to not get pregnant if they dont want to be.

I had an abortion many years ago and never felt an urge to mark the date, so I admit I dont understand your thinking.

I had an abortion many years ago and never felt an urge to mark the date, so I admit I dont understand your thinking.

Sadly, quite a few young women in the OP's situation feel a huge sense of loss, including those who were 100% certain that the abortion was the right thing for them at the time. The particularly vulnerable times are at the anniversary of the termination itself, or - tragically - the hypothetical birth date which they've calculated given the timings of everything else.

I've never wanted kids, never been pregnant - but sitting at the end of a phone line whilst the girl at the other end sobs her heart out non-stop for two hours does give you a clue as to what they may be going through.

I’m coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my abortion. Even though I had no regrets at the time, I still feel compelled to mark it in some way - I had a little cry tonight. My family don’t know about it so it has to be low key - normally I would write something down (as a letter) but that just doesn’t feel right this time. Does anyone have any ideas?

 

I also just find it unfair that the father (my ex who I broke up with a while ago now) won’t even notice or care. It won’t be on his radar whatsoever. He didn’t support me at the time so I have no expectation but it just feels wrong that we created that little baby and it’s only me that will acknowledge it ever existed. It’s also why I feel more than ever that if I don’t mark the anniversary in some way I’m letting he/she down again.

 

Thanks

You never know - he could be grieving in his own way and part of coping is not picking at an old wound and seeing or contacting you. if you are broken up and have no contact, he doesn't "owe" you to contact you or to share. It sounds like you are looking for an excuse for contact. I doubt that he needs to be reminded about what happened.

but it just feels wrong that we created that little baby and it’s only me that will acknowledge it ever existed. I

Well, you terminated the pregnancy because you didn't want the baby, nor wanted another family to have the baby, so I think being upset that he doesn't "acknowledge" the baby is misplaced, that it feels "wrong* to not acknowledge the baby but it was't wrong to abort them? That seems a bit messed up. I highly suggest grief counseling and personal counseling.

Sadly, quite a few young women in the OP's situation feel a huge sense of loss, including those who were 100% certain that the abortion was the right thing for them at the time. The particularly vulnerable times are at the anniversary of the termination itself, or - tragically - the hypothetical birth date which they've calculated given the timings of everything else.

 

I've never wanted kids, never been pregnant - but sitting at the end of a phone line whilst the girl at the other end sobs her heart out non-stop for two hours does give you a clue as to what they may be going through.

I still see zero reason to keep reliving what they chose to do by marking the anniversary of our decisions. Its akin of punishing oneself for doing what was the right thing to do under the circumstances. By marking the date, she is keeping herself mired in guilt. Why put herself through that. It is best to move on and do ones best to come to terms with the decision either alone or if unable to do that, then with the help of a counselor that can guide her past her emotional attachment to what might have been but never was.

I still see zero reason to keep reliving what they chose to do by marking the anniversary of our decisions. Its akin of punishing oneself for doing what was the right thing to do under the circumstances. By marking the date, she is keeping herself mired in guilt. Why put herself through that. It is best to move on and do ones best to come to terms with the decision either alone or if unable to do that, then with the help of a counselor that can guide her past her emotional attachment to what might have been but never was.

Very good points.

I have a friend who lost her mother and leading up to the annivesary of her mom's death she says "i am taking the day off on that date because i know i am going to be very sad that day". I could understand if on the anniversary of her mother's death she went to the cematary or something or that grief comes in waves and she is hit unexpectedly, but she almost "plans to be sad". If a friend calls for any reason that day, she refuses the call, even if its important and she texts back "sorry, its the anniversary of mom's death. Not answering today" She has not shifted to celebrating mom's birthday. Her dad has been gone way longer and she has a toast for her dad on his birthday. Dad has been gone 30 years, mom has been gone 10.

Very good points.

I have a friend who lost her mother and leading up to the annivesary of her mom's death she says "i am taking the day off on that date because i know i am going to be very sad that day". I could understand if on the anniversary of her mother's death she went to the cematary or something or that grief comes in waves and she is hit unexpectedly, but she almost "plans to be sad". If a friend calls for any reason that day, she refuses the call, even if its important and she texts back "sorry, its the anniversary of mom's death. Not answering today" She has not shifted to celebrating mom's birthday. Her dad has been gone way longer and she has a toast for her dad on his birthday. Dad has been gone 30 years, mom has been gone 10.

Oh wow! She's making her grief her best friend.

The best thing to do is make an appt with a therapist to unpack and sort out all your thoughts and feelings..

The conversation finished with me telling him I'm pregnant and was going to have an abortion. He offered to emotionally support me with the abortion but I told him I'd prefer to cut ties (abortion is free in my country).

 

He messaged me twice again today offering more help/support (not just with the abortion but more generally) which I know means in theory he's saying all the right things.

I'm left with this situation now. I know he's offered to support me but I'd rather be alone with it than "supported" by someone who suddenly doesn't want me anymore. That would feel like fake/pity support.

He didn’t support me at the time

I really think you would do well to seek out therapy to help you to process your own choices instead of blaming others and victimizing yourself. Marking the anniversary isn't healthy nor is remaining in resentment of others.

Look after yourself by doing something for you rather then doing something to cement forever a painful memory into your psyche.

*hugs* I do empathise along with my straight forward approach.

^^^ That from your thread when you were about to have your abortion is contradictory to your opening post in this thread: He tried to but you chose to forego his support.

 

I really think you would do well to seek out therapy to help you to process your own choices instead of blaming others and victimizing yourself. Marking the anniversary isn't healthy nor is remaining in resentment of others.

Look after yourself by doing something for you rather then doing something to cement forever a painful memory into your psyche.

 

*hugs* I do empathise along with my straight forward approach.

I actually agree with this and I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to grieve unless it was truly a decision you did not want to make and that’s a big other can of worms.

It sounds like maybe this was done hastily because of the issues you were having with your ex and the unresolved emotions from that are what need to be unpacked.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I honestly can’t imagine. I don’t see you working through this until you unpack all the anger, resentment and hurt you have with your ex and this situation.

I wish you luck

Sometimes people don’t expect to have feelings about it later, even if it was confident decision at the time.

Originally Posted by Koala2018

The conversation finished with me telling him I'm pregnant and was going to have an abortion. He offered to emotionally support me with the abortion but I told him I'd prefer to cut ties (abortion is free in my country).

sorry, you are not entitled to receive his call or his support. You announced that you were having an abortion - you told him that you were cutting ties with him - he had zero say in the matter. you did not want anything to do with him so he went away as you requested. You were so intent on your decision to cut him out of your life and abort the baby - so how do you reasonably expect him to treat you as a grieving mother? you underestimate or did not consider any repercussions for your actions here.

 

I also just find it unfair that the father (my ex who I broke up with a while ago now) won’t even notice or care. It won’t be on his radar whatsoever.

You don't know this for certain. You are assuming.

But having said that, your feelings regarding the date is a valid one. Acknowledge it in whatever way gives you peace. You will likely think of this `what if' moment for years to come.

Most of all, be kind to yourself ((hugs))

The pain that surrounds abortion is real, even if we feel it was the only and the right decision. I terminated my first pregnancy many years ago, almost 19 to be exact. I don't remember the date, but I am pretty sure it was in September. Like you, I didn't tell my parents, actually the only person who knew was the father. And like you we broke up shortly after that. It took me many years to get past that, a choice which seemed like the only option I had at the time. The pain the surrounds abortion is real, even if think we did the right thing. (My relationship was pretty abusive) I say take the time to do whatever you need to do to properly grieve this, even though you never knew him or her, they were still your child. And I think many times, because it is such a fast, easy process we neglect to see how this choice can impact our emotional well being, not just for a few days but for a few years. I still think of that child often, not so much with regret anymore but with wonder, wonder of who he or she would be today. If you need to in some way honor the date and your baby, take time to do something that is meaningful for you. Spend quite time alone, volunteer at a shelter, lite a candle, whatever it is that you feel will help. Prayers to you as you go through this process.....

It may help to separate the facts from the what ifs. Some parent-child relationships are extraordinarily challenging, and many parents - especially single parents - experience significant feelings of isolation because there is so little of oneself leftover to invest in hobbies and friendships.

Many many women have terminated a pregnancy, more than we know; it is nonetheless a difficult choice. Be thoughtful to remember that many others walk in similar shoes. You are not alone in this decision.

And yes, it stays with you in ways that differ from how it may stay with your ex. Men struggle with the lack of control, their challenges at wanting to parent a child of their own DNA but yet feeling subject to finding a partner with whom to do it. Speaking for myself, after years of being angry about various gender gap issues, I came to terms with this one. Its a biological difference that is inarguable. Biologically, women bear the greater burden of childbirth. Women have more risk and more responsibility in terms of what we permit/protect (am presently triggered by the word permit - my apologies if that has happened to others) inside of our bodies, and we have fought and still fight for the right to choose what remains inside of our bodies. Even if your ex called you annually, it wouldn't necessarily be helpful; it might prevent you from moving forward. And move forward you must. We are charged with moving forward after every moment, good and otherwise. After death, loss, and letting go same as after birth, gains, and achievements. It isn't callous; its responsible.

If memory is a part of your mourning, then mourn. But do see the difference between the termination of a pregnancy and the loss of a child. They are different. In your case, if your pregnancy was brought full term and your baby born, the child then would take on a set of characteristics specific to him or her. That event did not occur; there is no child except one whom you imagine. You can imagine your life with a child now, if you so choose, same as you could imagine it before you were pregnant. You have now what you had then. In that sense, you've lost nothing and in fact chose to maintain your status quo - a choice for which you may well be thankful to have had available to you.

With choice comes responsibility. Being a parent is not a romantic endeavor, don't romanticize it now just to heighten your sense of loss. It isn't fair to yourself.

You made a choice a year ago, a choice that protected your sense of who you are and where you are going. Celebrate that self-advocacy, and get going further towards your vision.That is why you made that choice in the first place, and its okay that you did.