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Thread: Anyone Struggle To Have Female Friendships? Anyone Have None?

  1. #71
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    OP In reading some of your posts I get your frustration; its a bit like Where are my people?

    I don't know when people learn of your many stripes, but I do know that I used to throw my many stripes out in front. I thought I was being open or something but what I was also doing was making it easy for people to back away. It was an intimacy avoidance technique, a defense mechanism. It was a way of highlighting how different I am. Assessing myself as different is dependent on me making assumptions about other people, and those assumptions are wrong. Other people may also be different but you don't know because they are more private, and because they define themselves according to their values and not their personal behaviors.

    Find ways you are similar to others. Keep your more personal information close, until you know you are sharing it with someone who respects you. That kind of discretion is a boundary you draw in an act of self respect. Why would you throw yourself to the wolves? Unless you are interested in trying to make people acknowledge that strippers (if you will, or dancers, etc) are respectable people just like the rest of us, there is no reason to hide it nor to share it. It isn't relevant, it doesn't define who you are.

    And if you are, perhaps subconsciously, trying to reduce bias about people who perform lap dances, then see that your goal isn't about making friends. It is about (1) assuming your acquaintances are biased against you, and (2) proving a point, changing people's minds, and (3) getting validation. Those are selfish goals, reflect an assumption that others will reject you because of your past and your behavior at home, and your behavior leads to a self fulfilling pattern.

    Learn to define yourself according to your values, and not according to your degree of similarity or difference to others.

    Try a different paradigm. Assume your friends will accept you. Understand that your behavior at home works for you; it may not work for others; who cares. Accept that others make different choices, and don't want to have to judge yours. If you ask them to judge your choices, they will. So don't ask, directly or by inference of putting it out front. You don't need their approval.

  2. #72
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    From where I sit this sounds more about you and the leap you made from where you were to where you are now and the divide in between. No doubt a friend you had 16 years ago couldn't relate to your lifestyle now.

    But I am awfully suspect seeing that in order to paint the picture for us, you let on repeatedly to your current lifestyle, yet you feel it's the very thing that separates you from other women? Could this be more about you and the attitude you have about it?

    I don't want to go back and reread other posts, but I had previously gotten the overall picture of your lifestyle from other posts you started.

    I feel like I am being prompted to give you the `women are just jealous of you' answer.

    I've met very wealthy people who are the most unassuming, regular sort of folks. The are very unimpressed with themselves and that's part of what makes them appealing. They would never let on to having had just had lunch in their friends castle, for that matter.

    It sounds like you are still adjusting to your own changes in your lifestyle and not sure where you factor in with people you were once accustomed to. That could be expected.

    But it is telling that your best friend told you off about a supposed elitist attitude, yet you deny it wholeheartedly. Hmmmm.

    It's those people closest to us that we should listen to. Even if we don't like what they have to say.

    Maybe it's true and you only mentioned it once. But she got the vibe from somewhere. So either she is just jealous, you two no longer have anything in common or there is some truth there somewhere.

    I don't know. I am not you. I am just going off what I just read.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 03-05-2019 at 03:11 PM.

  3. #73
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    When we level jump in life, or change environments, social circles, professional paths, etc. it is important to let go of our prior identity and assume the current one in full. I am using shorthand : it is more important to find an identity that is rooted more deeply than any of these details. Along our journey, though, we often build our identity on external events. Being a survivor of something, a recovering addict, a slim person who is now heavy or a heay person who is now slim... any number of ways we tend to carry our past with us.

    All that does is give us an excuse to be less than we hope to be. It is baggage and we have to let it go.

    Your past, OP, is interesting to people who want to invest in you. Otherwise, its irrelevant.

  4. #74
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    Capricorn you couldn't be more right - it sounds bad to say it but this is why I avoid people coming to the house a lot. People treat me differently when they don't know all these things but then, how can I form a close friendship without them

    1. Knowing anything about my past and
    2. Never being in my house, ever?!


    I have a very close friend who has never been to my house! Can you believe that. We met as regional coordinators of a group and have continued the friendship for over 10 years. She is one of my greatest friends. We talk on the phone at least 3 times a week, confide in eachother, etc. We have seen eachother in person and spent time - but she has never been to my home (we live in different states). I have never actually been to hers, either. We both consider eachother besties.

    I think you are emphasizing your past too much as well. People who meet me get me where I am in life. I don't hide my past, but i also don't make sure to educated them about all my mistakes or missteps or all phases of my life. Stuff gets talked about when its relevant to come up naturally.

    Be open to having friendships with women of various ages - older and younger. One of my best friends was 7 years older than me - we both went to the same college, but she was returning for a second degree - 7 years is no big deal, but when you are that age - the things you are interested in is different. I related to her more because the girls in my class were more interested in going to the bar, meeting guys (i mean, sure, i wanted to meet someone, too, but not like that), and I was more interested in talking about other things, so that was the common ground for us to become good friends. There could be young woman who is 23 that reminds you of yourself at that age - there could be a woman in her 40s that has more in common with you, etc.

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  6. #75
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    I have and have had many friends who have never been to my house and vice versa. i don't see the connection. My home now is small and cluttered and I avoid having people over like the plague but I'm happy to have them come to my building and use the pool or hang out in the lounge, outside, etc.

  7. #76
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Like Batya, some friends have been in my home and many more haven't. OP you seem to think of intimate friends or none at all; think instead of friends as readers and think of yourself as a library. Some people flip through magazines, and others want to read whole novels in an afternoon. Your friends include a range of reading styles; not everyone is up for a deep dive into a book.

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