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Thread: Anyone Struggle To Have Female Friendships? Anyone Have None?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dias
    Interesting perspective. Why is that?

    I believe the opposite!
    Well I had it all typed out but like I said IMFCA put it pretty well.

    FWIW, I think itís the same for men too, although itís not as Ďhipí for men to say.

    I think an inability to get along with your own sex is something youíre inwardly doing and projecting. Whether it be insecurity, competitiveness, a need to feel superior or validated, every time I encountered someone like that, I ended up needing to run on the opposite direction. Every time.

    Not saying thatís the OPer, just my observation in life.

  2. #12
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    That said, I do stay away from girly girls and connect better with those who are more tomboy'ish for lack of a better word. Yes, a lot of women are catty, competitive with each other, gossipy, etc. BUT there are plenty who aren't like that.
    Hi DancingFool!

    Thank you for your response! Appreciated!

    It's funny but I wouldn't mind the competitiveness standing alone without other major issues, but it's the gossip, the catty behaviour as you say, when this is rolled into competitiveness as well as everything else it just puts the cherry on top for me!

    It's not that I don't care what other people think but, I just don't want to be like them, so therefore there's not much competition from me. I can admire someones drive in their field or think they have a nice home or appreciate the way they handle their money or relationships but I don't feel that stabbing envy where I kind of want to covert what they have - I'm kinda very, well, really kooky, which means I hardly want what the average person wants. That sounds crazy because on the face of it boy do I seem conventional. I don't know whether other women take this the wrong way or see me as a curiosity to start with or simply don't know what to do with me.

    Besides the point though, it's refreshing that you have also experienced this and feel the same way about men - the friendship comes so much easier. Everything seems much simpler!

    How did you first meet and connect with your close female friends? Did you know from the off you were going to be very close for life? I keep expecting that when I meet someone who will be a life partner in crime, a true friend, that I will have this lightening strike moment, almost like the night I met my husband, but minus the romance!!!

    Lo x

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by mylolita
    Hi DancingFool!

    Thank you for your response! Appreciated!

    It's funny but I wouldn't mind the competitiveness standing alone without other major issues, but it's the gossip, the catty behaviour as you say, when this is rolled into competitiveness as well as everything else it just puts the cherry on top for me!

    It's not that I don't care what other people think but, I just don't want to be like them, so therefore there's not much competition from me. I can admire someones drive in their field or think they have a nice home or appreciate the way they handle their money or relationships but I don't feel that stabbing envy where I kind of want to covert what they have - I'm kinda very, well, really kooky, which means I hardly want what the average person wants. That sounds crazy because on the face of it boy do I seem conventional. I don't know whether other women take this the wrong way or see me as a curiosity to start with or simply don't know what to do with me.

    Besides the point though, it's refreshing that you have also experienced this and feel the same way about men - the friendship comes so much easier. Everything seems much simpler!

    How did you first meet and connect with your close female friends? Did you know from the off you were going to be very close for life? I keep expecting that when I meet someone who will be a life partner in crime, a true friend, that I will have this lightening strike moment, almost like the night I met my husband, but minus the romance!!!

    Lo x
    I really really hate hearing the cliche about women being catty and gossipy. Some individuals act like that. Men and women. I think it's great to dare to be different and unconventional and it depends how you share those aspects of yourself with people -nothing to do with gender. I feel uncomfortable around people who try to prove to me how unusual/unconventional they are just like I find it annoying when people make assumptions about my lifestyle (from financial to career to my decision to be home full time for my child for several years, to my being single till I was in my late 30s, etc etc). Why does it matter whether you're conventional or not and might you be assuming certain individuals are conventional without really getting to know them?

    Example. I met a mom a few years ago. So not my type. Dresses to the nines just to go to the darn playground, seemed kind of ditzy/materialistic. But my son liked her son so I was pleasant to her. One day she invited me to her house and my child for a playdate. She invited me to sit down with her and made us tea and offered me chocolate (ok I already now loved her lol). And sitting there at that small table, one on one, sipping tea she told me about her background, her life before marriage, her home country, how she met her husband -and I realized -wow - I totally misjudged her, made assumptions. In fact she'd told me she was going to try her hand at painting and I remember feeling dubious about her ambition/drive -well, she told me she sold many paintings at one of our premiere festivals a few months ago. And showed me her work with humility and pride -the best combination. I am sorry I misjudged her, glad I never let that affect how I treated her, glad I gave it a chance . No we are not besties now. Part of that is logistics but i saw her last month and we hugged and she was just so thoughtful again. I think it just takes time for her to warm up or something. And English is not her first language.

    I have a number of close friends for many years. No I didn't know right away but the ones I met when I was very young I kind of did in that young girl/teenager way. And I've met other women who I thought would be BFF material and....they were not. It's like dating kind of. We relocated 9 years ago from the city I'd lived in 43 years and starting over is really hard -still is!

    I think you should challenge some of your assumptions and get down to basics more - and find activities where you're likely to meet like minded people.

  4. #14
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I was very isolated when my son was small. But friends came back into my life once he was about 16 or so. I moved thousands of KMís from my childhood friends and havenít seen them in decades. I have one friend left from when my son was a toddler and more friends from the last 5 years although some are posted out. I donít want huge groups of friends just a few true ones.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA

    This was not very flattering to myself when I started to unpack it! Here goes... for me, this was a mosaic of patterns/skills/traits, not a linear one.

    These have been my impediments/skill developments. Is it similar for you? It remains something about which I need to be intentional, and vulnerable. Occasionally, I take my lumps and keep it movin.
    Hi IAmFCA!

    Thank you, a very interesting and thought provoking response.

    I am not without self analyse, or, self ripping! I am the first to admit I am far, far, faaaarrrr from perfect. I don't expect anyone else to be either, but I guess I am looking for something very special in a friendship. Maybe I am expecting too much? I am an absolute romantic, always have been, I think I always will be. Maybe it's the literature lover in me or something or whatever but I had the same expectation for a romantic partner, I met my husband, it was exactly how I always imagined it and better, the feeling was, undoubtable. Mind blowing.

    Someone once said, a quote I read, it went something along the lines of, basically, friendship is like the romantic love of your life, but without sex. That's true, deep friendship. Now, if finding your romantic soulmate is very rare and very lucky, with that kind of philosophy in my mind, it would be pretty rare and unlikely to be lucky enough to have both the love of my life in bed with me every night AND a friend who would jump in front of a bus for me in my phone book.

    I don't mean to be cynical here but, when I say a true friend I mean... I mean someone who would die for you. Remember when you were a kid, and you read books? And the friends together in these stories, they put themselves on the line. Not just, oh I was there for you once at the end of the phone at 3am when you split up with Roger whoever but I mean, really take a bullet for you? How many people have friends in their lives that they can say, y'know, we love each other deeply, I would take a bullet for that girl. I see all these women in groups and I doubt any of them would donate their appendix for the one beside them, let alone save their life or give up theirs in return.

    That aside, I'm not perfect. I've looked to myself plenty. I could do more and, people who know me could probably enlighten me a hella lot more on this. My husband definitely could, and does, he says I need to be reliable. I really acknowledge that and get that but, I have worked on that a lot, for a new friend in question, I have never been late for her once and I am still having doubts and the same old problems that always arise.

    I did have something close to true friendships when I was a child. I would spend whole summers with one girl, summer after summer. We shared secrets, we told each other what was in our heart. I cried every time she had to go back to the other side of the country. I would fall into a deep depression when she left. I always thought about her, I admired and respected her insanely. I wanted to be her! I looked up to her. She inspired me. I even used to take on her accent when she came for the summers. My Dad would tease me about it.

    Then we grew up and well, I will always regret this but after years and years of being apart, never knowing what she was doing or who she was seeing or how her life had turned out (she was drop dead gorgeous and over 6 foot tall, she went to be a model in New York, etc, she had a wild life). Well, she tried to re-touch with me and I had just fallen in love. I was completely, and utterly, obsessively wrapped up with my boyfriend then to be my now husband. I made an excuse to cut our meeting short. She looked so wounded. I think she knew me enough to know I just wanted to be somewhere else. I think she felt second place for the first time ever. I will always, always regret that.

    I tried to contact her a year ago. It's bizarre but even living countries apart and never talking our lives have almost taken an identical turn. And we've both done some pretty out of the ordinary things. We really were kindred spirits. And there goes the only girl I ever had a true friendship with.

    Now, as an adult woman, I guess I am trying to find Natasha again. But my Tish is nowhere to be found and, the women I meet, they don't love me and I don't love them. That's all it boils down to with me. Maybe that sounds weird but I guess that is honestly how I feel.

    Lo x

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Iím going to ask you the same, dias. Why do you believe the opposite? Just curious.
    In my experience and from my observations, women who have predominantly male friends love/like men more. And who doesn't like a woman who loves men? I sure do!

    Maybe it's the same with guys. I get along with women better and if I had to pick between a woman or a man when it comes to friendships/work I would pick a woman 8/10 times. I think it's normal.

  8. #17
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    I strongly value both women and men as friends for different reasons. At the end of the day I appreciate the emotional connection I get from my female friends. It did take me a long time to figure out the type of relationship I wanted and to cultivate friendships that were really meaningful to me. What I came to realize was that women highly value the sharing of emotions, feelings, and secrets in order to feel connected. They want to know that it's safe and okay to get vulnerable with their friends and expect their friends to do the same. I had to learn this the hard way many times before I actually built the relationships I have today. In my experience, male / female friendships are less emotional and that sort of vulnerability is not expected or even necessary in order to build a friendship.... which may make it easier to build and maintain but perhaps less satisfying in the long run.
    Hi maew,

    Thank you for your response!

    I think this is where I am sometimes falling short - I don't really want to share secrets or deep emotions all of the time. I mean, I do, I want a relationship where we would feel comfortable enough to do this but, my husband is my confident. I guess, I don't know. A lot of women, I go for a coffee with, they talk for the hour all about themselves. They never ask me one question about anything! I could've just met them! I am asking questions, I am genuinely interested in someone new. I actually find people very interesting, I love hearing about everyones stories.

    But the main thing I get is just, out of all their talk it's probably 80% complaints. Divorce or work problems or money problems or partner problems and then after they've talked they look to me as if to say, okay, spill yours then and the problem is! My problem is.. I kind of, don't have any "solid" usual problems. I have no problem with my husband. Not that I would ever, ever tell a friend about my husband anyway. I find it a complete lack of trust to go talking about your private sex life between your man to another person and I won't do it. And, I don't work. So they go really blank there and look at me like something must've happened or normally like I'm a spoilt bimbo. And then I start feeling like a jerk. Like I should complain, because they're complaining, and they're hurting, and I just feel like saying, wow, it's a beautiful day, how lucky we are! And, all I can think of is how much I love my husband and family and y'know, I just can't find the connection.

    I have a newish friend of about a year who always complains about her husband to me. And then I have to see the guy around and I just feel terrible for him. I know all his dirty and I feel like I shouldn't. I try and change the subject but I can tell she wants to offload. I really don't know what to say. I say the minimum because I simply don't feel like it's my place, I feel like it's their private business and nothing to do with me and I say I'm sorry you feel this way and have you tried talking to him but I feel like she just thinks I'm uncaring. She stopped talking to me about him but all the other conversation went with that too.

    I'm not saying all women are like this but I find the venting thing is very common and I don't know how to handle it.

    Lo x

  9. #18
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I had plenty of girlfriends when I was in school and into my 20s but not now. That's ok with me as most women drive me nuts with whining and complaining about what is wrong in their lives, including their male partners, yet wont do anything about it. I much prefer the company of guys, I like the relaxed feeling around guys that I dont get with most women.
    Ditto. I much prefer the company of men as I find them much more fun to be around. My husband once told me that he married me because "you think like a man and there's never any "girly" dramas, tears, nagging, whining etc", LOL. He reckons we get on so well because I "think like a man", lol.
    Like you (melancholy123) I find most women drive me nuts and irritate me - I even prefer watching movies where there are no women in it, lol.
    (I'll probably get flamed for this).

    That said, I DO have a handful of very close and long term female friends but unfortunately we are all (with the exception of one) now living in different countries, but still stay in touch regularly.

  10. #19
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I always say: donít trust a woman without female friends.

    That statement has literally never failed me.

    I deleted the rest IMFCA wrote my thoughts way more eloquently.
    Hi figureitout23,

    Maybe that's why they don't get close to me? But, they're happy to use my home, drink my alcohol and eat my food!

    I always think the opposite actually! Strangely enough, the hugely popular girls at school with a trillion friends were normally the meanest and worst people in school. I found growing up, the geeky quiet ones who were left in the corner were like gems amongst the rocks. For whatever reason, not pretty enough or at my school, not rich enough maybe, or a bit of both, they never gathered friends and became popular.

    Maybe we all judge too quickly. I judge women who have an entourage of female friends, hundreds of likes on social media and seem popular with everyone - I always find it's like a pack mentality. Whereas when I see a lone wolf, I guess I am a sucker for the underdog in a sense but, I always have more of a soft spot to give them a chance. I wonder why they have excluded themselves from the majority, or if they decided it that way or it was put upon them unwillingly? Or a bit of both?

    Oscar Wilde once said, "Everything that is popular is wrong"

    Sometimes I feel this about friendship. The group type, anyway. It's popular to be popular. Everyone wants to be liked, have lots of friends. I say, how many of these people who have 20 plus circles of friends, how many of those girls would take a bullet for the other? Probably none.

    I would be happy with one truly close friend. I think that is realistically extremely rare.

    My father in law of 65 once turned to me in the pub and said this: "You are lucky in life if you can count the woman you love, the children you have and the friends you keep on one hand".

    I am not saying I am without fault but, I honestly am extremely easy and friendly with anyone, very approachable, I might not seem it online but I guess that's why I look back and people might feel "duped" because they then get into the details with me half a year down the line and release they don't agree with my political beliefs, think I'm old-fashioned and I guess with that I imagine they think I'm stubborn and stuck in my ways and they drift away. For me, your political beliefs don't affect if I like you or not but in todays climate it seems to be a massive deal breaker. I have had friends of 20 years just outright delete me from social media and say they will never talk to me again because I once said I liked Donald Trump. And I'm not even American by the way.

    Lo x

  11. #20
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Ditto. I much prefer the company of men as I find them much more fun to be around. My husband once told me that he married me because "you think like a man and there's never any "girly" dramas, tears, nagging, whining etc", LOL. He reckons we get on so well because I "think like a man", lol.
    Like you (melancholy123) I find most women drive me nuts and irritate me - I even prefer watching movies where there are no women in it, lol.
    (I'll probably get flamed for this).

    That said, I DO have a handful of very close and long term female friends but unfortunately we are all (with the exception of one) now living in different countries, but still stay in touch regularly.
    Capricorn I ENVY you massively!!! OHHHHH!

    And your husband sounds like MY husband! He often says to me, my brain is half a mans. I think that's why we are so similar, like kindred souls. He is my wing to my yang, it's like we have each others missing parts. I'm not sure if I can be that lucky again and find that in a female friendship maybe in my whole entire life.

    Kudos for just saying it how it is for you as well. Sorry to stereotype but catty is a stereotype for a reason - I'm not trying to make these women catty, I desperate hope they're not!!! My fingers and toes are crossed, I so desperately want a close friendship, then, they don't even stab you in the front, they do it in the back. That's what kills it for me!

    Lo x

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