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Thread: Should I be concerned

  1. #1
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    Should I be concerned

    This is me again ...and I would be grateful for any advice ...
    I spent nice weekend with my boyfriend at his place. During the breakfast he mentioned he needs to sale the house as it is too big for him ...he said he wants to move out of city.
    Then he said he wants to visit his cousin in June. Cousin lives in another continent. From there he wants to go for a week somewhere else alone but he is worried he may use all holidays ....and he wants to keep 10 days for his xmass trip this year.
    He doesn't like xmass so he wants to be away ...just like last year he went to Thailand....
    All these plans ....and my name was not mentioned once.
    Is it too early to mention this ?
    We are planning and have booked 4 days away in May but that's about it....
    The other plans do not include me ...

  2. #2
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    Didn't he already go on a fishing trip without you and you fretted and stewed about it?

    I have to wonder what you're getting out of this relationship that has you all upset every few days. Do you enjoy turmoil?

  3. #3
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    Lol that wasn't me ...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Lol that wasn't me ...
    But you do keep asking us to soothe you so you not? This was the last thing posted on 2/27

    Originally Posted by irka000
    I realise this thread may not be the most interesting....but please share some thoughts....after being with someone official since December....how often do you think is normal to meet, talk over the phone ?
    Last weekend he was sorting his stuff at home but called me on Sunday. Then I called on Monday and he texted once on Tuesday.
    That's it...he mentioned he missed me and that we should go for dinner this week but didn't say anything else...I don't want to propose when as I was the one doing last time ....
    Two weeks ago we talked how we enjoyed what's between us and now there is such a big space...
    I find it hard to maintain this closeness when we don't see each other often but how to communicate this without sounding needy?
    It has been first weekend when we didn't see each other but somehow feels like a long time.
    I am trying to keep myself busy but thoughts pop in to my mind...by now we should see each other more and talk more , isn't ?
    You could have just posted again on that thread since it’s pretty much the same question and issue.

    So the question remains what are you getting out of this?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    This is me again ...and I would be grateful for any advice ...
    I spent nice weekend with my boyfriend at his place. During the breakfast he mentioned he needs to sale the house as it is too big for him ...he said he wants to move out of city.
    Then he said he wants to visit his cousin in June. Cousin lives in another continent. From there he wants to go for a week somewhere else alone but he is worried he may use all holidays ....and he wants to keep 10 days for his xmass trip this year.
    He doesn't like xmass so he wants to be away ...just like last year he went to Thailand....
    All these plans ....and my name was not mentioned once.
    Is it too early to mention this ?
    We are planning and have booked 4 days away in May but that's about it....
    The other plans do not include me ...
    Well, tbh irka, putting myself in your shoes, if my bf suddenly announced all that to me, specifically selling his house and moving away, alone, no mention of me, combined with everything else you mentioned, I'd be very concerned.

    On its face, he sounds like a man who is on his way out, if not already out.

    I'd address it asap without accusing him of anything, but to determine what he's wanting/feeling.

    Not about me per se but about the relationship in general and if he's happy, what he envisions long term.

    If he hesitates discussing, accuses you of being insecure or paranoid,, that's your answer.

    He's on his way out and laying the groundwork for his exit.

    I think you know in your gut something is very off, and has been for awhile but not ready to face it. So you post here hoping your gut is wrong and for reassurance.

    Learn to trust your own intuition irka, most times it's spot on.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    So the question remains what are you getting out of this?
    I'd be interested in a genuine answer to this question. One that, ideally, avoids the "but when it's good it's good" narrative or the "but if only x or y happens then it'll be perfect" storyline, since panic, eggshells, and insecurity seem to be the default setting for your emotional equilibrium. So I suppose the question is: Does feeling like this bring you pleasure? Is this what being in a relationship is like for you, generally?

    But to get to the specifics:

    Maybe, per Katrina's post, he's on his way out. Then again, didn't he take you away for your bday, go away for his? With more plans gelling come May? So couldn't he just be talking to you about himself, his life—his need to sell a house and visit a cousin and keep his xmas trip plans? And since you guys are still pretty new maybe he feels it's a bit much to invite you to a family thing or make xmas plans with you? Or, hey, maybe he's testing a little bit, hoping you're cool, since he might be starting to feel a little panicked himself that being himself is a source of anxiety for you?

    Just sounds to me like the moment this guy does something that isn't you-centric something inside you goes into alarm mode. I admit I'm getting a little edgy on his behalf reading these threads.

    Big picture: I don't really think any of those questions matter. Your gut has been screaming at you for a while now that some need of yours—the need for security, for safety, for feeling special—aren't being met in this dynamic. So why keep doubling down and leaning into something that makes you feel shaky?

  8. #7
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    >>Need to sell his house and visiting his cousin.<<

    Wondering why you neglected to mention selling his house and moving away, with no mention of her?

    To clarify, that is what would concern me and why I posted what I did.

    Agree about that not being the point though.

    Her gut has been screaming something is off, she'd be wise to listen to that.

  9. #8
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    Thank you so much for responding...for a very long time I was single and feels so new to be with someone...
    I can't seem to relax ...it's like I am waiting for something bad to happen but so far he was fine. I noticed I was unnecessarily worried on most of occasions.
    We spoke honestly on Friday and he admitted we have different view on communication. However he said he is very happy with me. I said the same.
    But then this list of future plans popped out and I didn't comment on this cause his friend came in and we went out with him.
    Maybe he was just testing my reaction.... obviously living together would be too soon. I get that he wants to visit cousin and go elsewhere from there as it is cheaper and a great opportunity but the xmass trip is too much.....I don't like xmass for similar reasons and he knows it now.....
    I guess I will wait until May and see if we can make our trip first....by than we will be over 6 months together so perhaps I will have more foundation to ask about his long term plans.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try to relax. It sounds like a conversation about traveling and time off. Focus on your upcoming trip with him. Have you ever mentioned your plans, ideas, vacation time, etc? Perhaps he thinks you're not interested because you didn't speak up or have the time/money for what he wants?
    Originally Posted by irka000
    We are planning and have booked 4 days away in May but that's about it....
    The other plans do not include me ...

  11. #10
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    irka, I apologize for not knowing these answers if they've been posted previously but is this a casual relationship?

    How long have you been dating, are you exclusive?

    Discussed future or just taking it day by day?

    Nothing wrong with either, just asking for clarification.

    When he said he was wanting to sell house and move out of "city," do you know what he meant?

    Moving to the suburbs, but still close by? Or out of state, country?

    Did you ask?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-04-2019 at 11:54 AM.

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