Should I be concerned

This is me again ...and I would be grateful for any advice ...

I spent nice weekend with my boyfriend at his place. During the breakfast he mentioned he needs to sale the house as it is too big for him ...he said he wants to move out of city.

Then he said he wants to visit his cousin in June. Cousin lives in another continent. From there he wants to go for a week somewhere else alone but he is worried he may use all holidays ....and he wants to keep 10 days for his xmass trip this year.

He doesn't like xmass so he wants to be away ...just like last year he went to Thailand....

All these plans ....and my name was not mentioned once.

Is it too early to mention this ?

We are planning and have booked 4 days away in May but that's about it....

The other plans do not include me ...

Didn't he already go on a fishing trip without you and you fretted and stewed about it?

I have to wonder what you're getting out of this relationship that has you all upset every few days. Do you enjoy turmoil?

Lol that wasn't me ...

Lol that wasn't me ...

But you do keep asking us to soothe you so you not? This was the last thing posted on 2/27

I realise this thread may not be the most interesting....but please share some thoughts....after being with someone official since December....how often do you think is normal to meet, talk over the phone ?

Last weekend he was sorting his stuff at home but called me on Sunday. Then I called on Monday and he texted once on Tuesday.

That's it...he mentioned he missed me and that we should go for dinner this week but didn't say anything else...I don't want to propose when as I was the one doing last time ....

Two weeks ago we talked how we enjoyed what's between us and now there is such a big space...

I find it hard to maintain this closeness when we don't see each other often but how to communicate this without sounding needy?

It has been first weekend when we didn't see each other but somehow feels like a long time.

I am trying to keep myself busy but thoughts pop in to my mind...by now we should see each other more and talk more , isn't ?

You could have just posted again on that thread since it’s pretty much the same question and issue.

So the question remains what are you getting out of this?

This is me again ...and I would be grateful for any advice ...

I spent nice weekend with my boyfriend at his place. During the breakfast he mentioned he needs to sale the house as it is too big for him ...he said he wants to move out of city.

Then he said he wants to visit his cousin in June. Cousin lives in another continent. From there he wants to go for a week somewhere else alone but he is worried he may use all holidays ....and he wants to keep 10 days for his xmass trip this year.

He doesn't like xmass so he wants to be away ...just like last year he went to Thailand....

All these plans ....and my name was not mentioned once.

Is it too early to mention this ?

We are planning and have booked 4 days away in May but that's about it....

The other plans do not include me ...

Well, tbh irka, putting myself in your shoes, if my bf suddenly announced all that to me, specifically selling his house and moving away, alone, no mention of me, combined with everything else you mentioned, I'd be very concerned.

On its face, he sounds like a man who is on his way out, if not already out.

I'd address it asap without accusing him of anything, but to determine what he's wanting/feeling.

Not about me per se but about the relationship in general and if he's happy, what he envisions long term.

If he hesitates discussing, accuses you of being insecure or paranoid,, that's your answer.

He's on his way out and laying the groundwork for his exit.

I think you know in your gut something is very off, and has been for awhile but not ready to face it. So you post here hoping your gut is wrong and for reassurance.

Learn to trust your own intuition irka, most times it's spot on.

So the question remains what are you getting out of this?

I'd be interested in a genuine answer to this question. One that, ideally, avoids the "but when it's good it's good" narrative or the "but if only x or y happens then it'll be perfect" storyline, since panic, eggshells, and insecurity seem to be the default setting for your emotional equilibrium. So I suppose the question is: Does feeling like this bring you pleasure? Is this what being in a relationship is like for you, generally?

But to get to the specifics:

Maybe, per Katrina's post, he's on his way out. Then again, didn't he take you away for your bday, go away for his? With more plans gelling come May? So couldn't he just be talking to you about himself, his life—his need to sell a house and visit a cousin and keep his xmas trip plans? And since you guys are still pretty new maybe he feels it's a bit much to invite you to a family thing or make xmas plans with you? Or, hey, maybe he's testing a little bit, hoping you're cool, since he might be starting to feel a little panicked himself that being himself is a source of anxiety for you?

Just sounds to me like the moment this guy does something that isn't you-centric something inside you goes into alarm mode. I admit I'm getting a little edgy on his behalf reading these threads.

Big picture: I don't really think any of those questions matter. Your gut has been screaming at you for a while now that some need of yours—the need for security, for safety, for feeling special—aren't being met in this dynamic. So why keep doubling down and leaning into something that makes you feel shaky?

>>Need to sell his house and visiting his cousin.

Wondering why you neglected to mention selling his house and moving away, with no mention of her?

To clarify, that is what would concern me and why I posted what I did.

Agree about that not being the point though.

Her gut has been screaming something is off, she'd be wise to listen to that.

Thank you so much for responding...for a very long time I was single and feels so new to be with someone...

I can't seem to relax ...it's like I am waiting for something bad to happen but so far he was fine. I noticed I was unnecessarily worried on most of occasions.

We spoke honestly on Friday and he admitted we have different view on communication. However he said he is very happy with me. I said the same.

But then this list of future plans popped out and I didn't comment on this cause his friend came in and we went out with him.

Maybe he was just testing my reaction.... obviously living together would be too soon. I get that he wants to visit cousin and go elsewhere from there as it is cheaper and a great opportunity but the xmass trip is too much.....I don't like xmass for similar reasons and he knows it now.....

I guess I will wait until May and see if we can make our trip first....by than we will be over 6 months together so perhaps I will have more foundation to ask about his long term plans.

Try to relax. It sounds like a conversation about traveling and time off. Focus on your upcoming trip with him. Have you ever mentioned your plans, ideas, vacation time, etc? Perhaps he thinks you're not interested because you didn't speak up or have the time/money for what he wants?

We are planning and have booked 4 days away in May but that's about it....

The other plans do not include me ...

irka, I apologize for not knowing these answers if they've been posted previously but is this a casual relationship?

How long have you been dating, are you exclusive?

Discussed future or just taking it day by day?

Nothing wrong with either, just asking for clarification.

When he said he was wanting to sell house and move out of "city," do you know what he meant?

Moving to the suburbs, but still close by? Or out of state, country?

Did you ask?

The area he is considering to move is almost 2 hours away by train from our city and this means almost £50 return ticket for me should I be visiting ....bit challenging for my pocket ...but we will see

It's just about communication. "You've mentioned a number of trips and relocating where it will make it more challenging for us to see each other. How do "we" fit into this picture?"

Lol that wasn't me ...

It wasn't fishing.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556396

But he did go away and you did stew and fret.

Seems to me like he is telling you in a very straightforward way what his personal future plans are. Since those plans involve him moving quite a distance away from where you live and work, then I think it is a fair question for you to ask "what does that mean for us" or "how do you see this move working out for you and I." Instead of fretting away about it and asking strangers to read tea leaves for you, you do need to ask him directly and no, it's not too soon. You need to know where you stand and it's better to know now rather than waste another 2,3,6 months on this only to get dumped because he never saw anything more than a casual deal with you.

I'll give you a personal example of something similar. We were 3 months in, when he came and shared with me that he'll be moving to x place in roughly 6-8 months. So I did ask right there and then, what does that mean for us. His response was straightforward, "IF our relationship continues as great as it has been, then I see you joining me and moving in with me when you see fit. I do realize that it might be a bit soon for living together depending on when exactly I move, so I do see some temporary commuting happening but really, I'd leave that up to you. Overall, these are my future plans and this is how I see my life over the next several years, etc, etc, etc." My point is that he was straightforward with me about his future plans and left it up to me to decide if those plans would suit me and I want to continue the relationship, or if I want to cut bait and run. Either way is fair so to speak.

My point is that a reasonable person will respond reasonably to these kinds of concerns. They won't promise you the world, but they won't freak out that you asked either. If they do freak out, then quite frankly they are giving you the answer that you don't want to hear - they are only there casually and they'll use your question as a convenient out...just remember, they were going to dump you anyway, so it's a case of the less time you waste on that person, the better.

Like others have said, it's a simple conversation asking him how he sees you as a couple in these plans.

And then you communicating how you'd like to see things going, how he fits in your plans.

It can be confusing and scary when a partner mentions about traveling or doing things that do not include you. You mention you have plans for going away together in May. This sounds promising. What exactly about him traveling do you feel uneasy about? Has anything ever occurred in the relationship to have you fear? When he speaks about these travels do you mention to him that you would like to attend some of them? I do not think him wanting to travel is a negative thing but rather he may think you might not be interested in going or meeting family maybe too soon.

Every week it’s fhw same core question

How did i not seem needy

How do I not seem needy

How do I not seem needy

You’re so petrified of him.

It IS indeed an easy question.

And ‘what are your future goals’ won’t scare anyone away. Why are you so afraid to ask relationship minded questions if you’re relationship minded? Men don’t get tricked into relationships, they go into them willingly so I must say I’m very confused by your logic right now. You aren’t asking for his hand in marriage or his first born child for sacrifice but with your level of anxiety you’d think you were.

I’d love to know more about you irka, what do you think is causing this extreme fear?

irka, I apologize for not knowing these answers if they've been posted previously but is this a casual relationship?

 

How long have you been dating, are you exclusive?

 

Discussed future or just taking it day by day?

 

Nothing wrong with either, just asking for clarification.

 

When he said he was wanting to sell house and move out of "city," do you know what he meant?

 

Moving to the suburbs, but still close by? Or out of state, country?

 

Did you ask?

If they are official since December the relationship is new. At face value and at such an early phase I wouldn't be very worried with his trips, being that they have a small trip planned together. Him moving away to another town might put a strain on the relationship though, but it's too soon to think about living together.

But given that OP is always so stressed about this relationship, us thinking weather it's a big deal or not to be concerned is not that important. This reminds that other poster whose boyfriend went to fishing with his cousin where the issue was more the "anxiety- soothing - anxiety again" cycle than the actions of the boyfriend per se. I'm not saying though that it's not important to be attentive if the boyfriend acts like he's in a serious committed relationship or not.

It's just about communication. "You've mentioned a number of trips and relocating where it will make it more challenging for us to see each other. How do "we" fit into this picture?"

I like this approach. Direct and right to the point.

Seems to me like he is telling you in a very straightforward way what his personal future plans are. Since those plans involve him moving quite a distance away from where you live and work, then I think it is a fair question for you to ask "what does that mean for us" or "how do you see this move working out for you and I." Instead of fretting away about it and asking strangers to read tea leaves for you, you do need to ask him directly and no, it's not too soon. You need to know where you stand and it's better to know now rather than waste another 2,3,6 months on this only to get dumped because he never saw anything more than a casual deal with you.

 

I'll give you a personal example of something similar. We were 3 months in, when he came and shared with me that he'll be moving to x place in roughly 6-8 months. So I did ask right there and then, what does that mean for us. His response was straightforward, "IF our relationship continues as great as it has been, then I see you joining me and moving in with me when you see fit. I do realize that it might be a bit soon for living together depending on when exactly I move, so I do see some temporary commuting happening but really, I'd leave that up to you. Overall, these are my future plans and this is how I see my life over the next several years, etc, etc, etc." My point is that he was straightforward with me about his future plans and left it up to me to decide if those plans would suit me and I want to continue the relationship, or if I want to cut bait and run. Either way is fair so to speak.

 

My point is that a reasonable person will respond reasonably to these kinds of concerns. They won't promise you the world, but they won't freak out that you asked either. If they do freak out, then quite frankly they are giving you the answer that you don't want to hear - they are only there casually and they'll use your question as a convenient out...just remember, they were going to dump you anyway, so it's a case of the less time you waste on that person, the better.

Right on the money! I think that in this case asking directly about how he sees the relationship going with these new plans is not a "needy" question or insecurity based. It's an honest question. Being that you're already in a committed relationship, you should communicate with each other about these things without fear of "scaring the person". It's not like you're asking him to marry you on the first dates or two. If he gets scared with these totally reasonable question, then he's not that into this relationship as you are.

You've been together what, four months? A little more? As far as the more distant vacations go and you not being innately included in those plans, especially considering you do have a joint venture coming up, I'd let it go for now. What I do fully agree with folks on is very simply broaching the topic of how you two would potentially navigate his move away, though I do hope you two discussed broad relationship goals much earlier on. Was this just a general idea of his to move out of the city, or is this something he's trying to knock out in the next year or two? I think it'd speak much more as an indicator of the relationship's shelf life if mentioned as a concrete plan in the works rather than kinda shooting the ****. In any case, it's a good conversation to have simply for the fact you'd be talking about something he's interested in, never mind the implications it would have on your relationship.

With nothing written in stone between you two, particularly if we're still talking the honey moon phase, I don't think it's the biggest red flag if he's currently not coordinating you into his more distant travel and moving plans. I know I personally wouldn't be. But you're obviously still within your rights to explore with him how your relationship would fit in should you two make it as a couple to such points.

Thank you All for responding...I do appreciate that...it means a lot.

We booked that little trip after spending the weekend away which was great. However, between us booking that trip and now , things have changed slightly...he became less attentive...he calls less ....

He told me about the house and his trips almost all in one go...I felt slightly overwhelmed.

My friend suggested to wait with everything as with time, we may get closer and he may change his plans or naturally include me.

I do care about this man a lot and I will admit I am a bit worried about his potential response to my question. I need to be prepared for the answer and act accordingly.

Yes, I am full of fears cause for long ,long time I haven't met someone like him...the more I care, the less relaxed I am....I dated men before him but I did not even pay attention if they were there ....I was more on a indifferent side....

I was very close today to call him and ask about it but I thought he had long day and this will be last thing he wants to hear it.....I will wait maybe till we will meet so I can see his face ....

Yes deffintely face to face convo, if not you'll just analyze his words.

You have to learn to either self soothe or accept this isn’t the relationship for you, but you can’t do this long term, it’s bad for your heath and honestly your wellbeing. You’re only going to be able to hide what you’re describing as neediness for so long.

Can you imagine being in a serious relationship with someone you’re terrified of? You are terrified of him, not fear in the sense of danger, you’re terrified he won’t reciprocate your feelings, but fear is fear. You have got to try to get this under control. Each issue becomes a non chalant thing after he soothes you but before he does it’s the apocalypse and you’re painting here hoping we will soothe you, you have to develop the skills to talk yourself off the ledge. You can do it, take baby steps, try to disengage more and more each day, communicate with him more, focus on your other activities, enjoy him and what you have in the moment. Also listen to your gut, if you honestly aren’t this anxious normally maybe you are for a reason.

It will all work out whether you stay together or you don’t, it will all work out. Please remind yourself that. If he leaves it is NOT the end of the world. You will survive, so enjoy your journey together. That’s what dating is supposed to be. Not this, this isn’t something you signed up for. I can’t inagine anyone would want to be this anxious and fearful.

 

We booked that little trip after spending the weekend away which was great. However, between us booking that trip and now , things have changed slightly...he became less attentive...he calls less ....

 

I will admit I am a bit worried about his potential response to my question.

 

I need to be prepared for the answer and act accordingly.

 

Yes, I am full of fears cause for long ,long time I haven't met someone like him...the more I care, the less relaxed I am...

 

First off I understand fear. The more we like someone, the more fearful we are,.

But it's a huge mistake to allow that fear to control you, versus you controlling your fear.

A man will sense that too, no matter how hard you try to hide or how "cool" you try to play it, and one of the worst things you can do is allow a man to think you're afraid of him -- kiss of death!!

The death of his respect for you, leading to the death of the relationship.

Irka, from what you've posted above about him being less attentive, reaching out less, combined with his desire to move two hours away, with no mention of you, and all his "trips," you know something's not right. You know it!

Why are you choosing to ignore, do you think if you ignore it, it will all miraculously disappear? Trust me, it won't!

I honestly don't understand your being so afraid to ask the hard questions.

How can you live like this? In such a state of limbo?

Would not it be better to find out now where you stand rather than play the "cool" girl, which is dishonest and disingenuous, and possibly have your heart ripped out after he moves away and decides he doesn't want to do long distance?

Can you explain your mind set about that?

Please talk to him. Non-accusatory, just honest and real.

And if he's "panicked" like another poster mentioned, that is a huge red flag!! It suggests possible commitment issues/fears, do not ignore that!

3 weekends away after spending 3 days together and celebrating his birthday he called less. Once a week ....where normally he would call every other day or so and text.

We also didn't meet one weekend so we didn't meet for almost 2 weeks. I decided to step back and observe. He then ask me is everything ok.....I said I am not sure but said it is less of him, I also said meeting once every 2 weeks and phone call weekly feels strange at this stage....he blamed on work and that he knew we didn't talk much. He said that it was only a few days .... also did say I should call more often

He said I should speak to him instead worry ....He than asked me to spend weekend with him. What made me worry is that he said he knew if he won't ask me to spend time during this weekend , he won't hear from me and furthermore he thinks I would probably end things with him by next Tuesday.

What do I do wrong if I come across like this ?

So he met me to avoid me moaning or a break up ?

After this conversation...few days later he brought the news about trips and move.

Now if I ask about it ....it will be too much of issues all at once...

And....I call more often since his comment last week but now he stopped ....ever since, we spoke cause I called....

Good luck irka.

Hope it all works out the way you hope.