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Thread: Should I be concerned

  1. #21
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    Thank you All for responding...I do appreciate that...it means a lot.
    We booked that little trip after spending the weekend away which was great. However, between us booking that trip and now , things have changed slightly...he became less attentive...he calls less ....

    He told me about the house and his trips almost all in one go...I felt slightly overwhelmed.
    My friend suggested to wait with everything as with time, we may get closer and he may change his plans or naturally include me.
    I do care about this man a lot and I will admit I am a bit worried about his potential response to my question. I need to be prepared for the answer and act accordingly.
    Yes, I am full of fears cause for long ,long time I haven't met someone like him...the more I care, the less relaxed I am....I dated men before him but I did not even pay attention if they were there ....I was more on a indifferent side....
    I was very close today to call him and ask about it but I thought he had long day and this will be last thing he wants to hear it.....I will wait maybe till we will meet so I can see his face ....

  2. #22
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Yes deffintely face to face convo, if not you'll just analyze his words.

    You have to learn to either self soothe or accept this isnít the relationship for you, but you canít do this long term, itís bad for your heath and honestly your wellbeing. Youíre only going to be able to hide what youíre describing as neediness for so long.

    Can you imagine being in a serious relationship with someone youíre terrified of? You are terrified of him, not fear in the sense of danger, youíre terrified he wonít reciprocate your feelings, but fear is fear. You have got to try to get this under control. Each issue becomes a non chalant thing after he soothes you but before he does itís the apocalypse and youíre painting here hoping we will soothe you, you have to develop the skills to talk yourself off the ledge. You can do it, take baby steps, try to disengage more and more each day, communicate with him more, focus on your other activities, enjoy him and what you have in the moment. Also listen to your gut, if you honestly arenít this anxious normally maybe you are for a reason.

    It will all work out whether you stay together or you donít, it will all work out. Please remind yourself that. If he leaves it is NOT the end of the world. You will survive, so enjoy your journey together. Thatís what dating is supposed to be. Not this, this isnít something you signed up for. I canít inagine anyone would want to be this anxious and fearful.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by irka000

    We booked that little trip after spending the weekend away which was great. However, between us booking that trip and now , things have changed slightly...he became less attentive...he calls less ....

    I will admit I am a bit worried about his potential response to my question.

    I need to be prepared for the answer and act accordingly.

    Yes, I am full of fears cause for long ,long time I haven't met someone like him...the more I care, the less relaxed I am...
    First off I understand fear. The more we like someone, the more fearful we are,.

    But it's a huge mistake to allow that fear to control you, versus you controlling your fear.

    A man will sense that too, no matter how hard you try to hide or how "cool" you try to play it, and one of the worst things you can do is allow a man to think you're afraid of him -- kiss of death!!

    The death of his respect for you, leading to the death of the relationship.

    Irka, from what you've posted above about him being less attentive, reaching out less, combined with his desire to move two hours away, with no mention of you, and all his "trips," you know something's not right. You know it!

    Why are you choosing to ignore, do you think if you ignore it, it will all miraculously disappear? Trust me, it won't!

    I honestly don't understand your being so afraid to ask the hard questions.

    How can you live like this? In such a state of limbo?

    Would not it be better to find out now where you stand rather than play the "cool" girl, which is dishonest and disingenuous, and possibly have your heart ripped out after he moves away and decides he doesn't want to do long distance?

    Can you explain your mind set about that?

    Please talk to him. Non-accusatory, just honest and real.

    And if he's "panicked" like another poster mentioned, that is a huge red flag!! It suggests possible commitment issues/fears, do not ignore that!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-04-2019 at 11:49 PM.

  4. #24
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    3 weekends away after spending 3 days together and celebrating his birthday he called less. Once a week ....where normally he would call every other day or so and text.
    We also didn't meet one weekend so we didn't meet for almost 2 weeks. I decided to step back and observe. He then ask me is everything ok.....I said I am not sure but said it is less of him, I also said meeting once every 2 weeks and phone call weekly feels strange at this stage....he blamed on work and that he knew we didn't talk much. He said that it was only a few days .... also did say I should call more often
    He said I should speak to him instead worry ....He than asked me to spend weekend with him. What made me worry is that he said he knew if he won't ask me to spend time during this weekend , he won't hear from me and furthermore he thinks I would probably end things with him by next Tuesday.
    What do I do wrong if I come across like this ?
    So he met me to avoid me moaning or a break up ?
    After this conversation...few days later he brought the news about trips and move.
    Now if I ask about it ....it will be too much of issues all at once...
    And....I call more often since his comment last week but now he stopped ....ever since, we spoke cause I called....
    Last edited by irka000; 03-05-2019 at 02:35 AM. Reason: Errors

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  6. #25
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    Good luck irka.

    Hope it all works out the way you hope.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    3 weekends away after spending 3 days together and celebrating his birthday he called less. Once a week ....where normally he would call every other day or so and text.
    We also didn't meet one weekend so we didn't meet for almost 2 weeks. I decided to step back and observe. He then ask me is everything ok.....I said I am not sure but said it is less of him, I also said meeting once every 2 weeks and phone call weekly feels strange at this stage....he blamed on work and that he knew we didn't talk much. He said that it was only a few days .... also did say I should call more often
    He said I should speak to him instead worry ....He than asked me to spend weekend with him. What made me worry is that he said he knew if he won't ask me to spend time during this weekend , he won't hear from me and furthermore he thinks I would probably end things with him by next Tuesday.
    What do I do wrong if I come across like this ?
    So he met me to avoid me moaning or a break up ?
    After this conversation...few days later he brought the news about trips and move.
    Now if I ask about it ....it will be too much of issues all at once...
    And....I call more often since his comment last week but now he stopped ....ever since, we spoke cause I called....
    Well what you do wrong is be way too passive in the relationship. You expect the man to keep on chasing and putting in ALL the work into the relationship while you just sit back and enjoy the benefits.

    What he told you in a pretty straightforward way is that he expects you to become much more engaged in the relationship at this point and actually carry some of the burden of maintaining contact, planning dates, communicating, showing that you are interested in him, etc. He wants a more equal partner who is more invested and you aren't showing that at all. The message coming from you is chase me or I'll presume you aren't interested in me and I'll dump you because I'm really insecure like that. He also pointed out to you that your insecurities are really obvious and while he is willing to assure you some, you need to help assure yourself more.

    I hope this all works out for you, but you've got to drop the game playing, aka the man must always chase me, mentality. That's fine for the first few dates, but after that, reasonable men will expect you to step up and for the communication dynamic to become more balanced. Think of it more as developing the friendship aspect of the relationship. How would you feel if your friend only talked to you when you call but never bothered to call you? You'd notice and after awhile start to lose interest in this one sided friendship, right? You'd start to feel used and like this friend isn't really interested in being your friend. You are doing the same to your relationship.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What makes you think you'll do all the visiting, driving, bearing expenses, etc? Is something telling you it will one-sided?
    Originally Posted by irka000
    he is considering to move is almost 2 hours away by train from our city and this means almost £50 return ticket for me should I be visiting ....bit challenging for my pocket ...but we will see

  9. 03-07-2019, 12:32 AM

  10. #28
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    Things I guess, resolved themselves...it's Friday evening here...I called him at 8pm and his phone was off. I texted if he could call me.
    He did not share his Friday plans with me but I find it strange that his phone is off again on Friday. This also happened 2 weeks ago....
    His excuse is always that he charges his phone on flight mode which I find very weird....who does that ?
    Anyway I don't need such worries in my life right now ....sorry , just need it to let it out. ..

  11. #29
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Things I guess, resolved themselves...it's Friday evening here...I called him at 8pm and his phone was off. I texted if he could call me.
    He did not share his Friday plans with me but I find it strange that his phone is off again on Friday. This also happened 2 weeks ago....
    His excuse is always that he charges his phone on flight mode which I find very weird....who does that ?
    Anyway I don't need such worries in my life right now ....sorry , just need it to let it out. ..
    Understandable, everyone needs to vent. But at the end of the day you have and have always had the power, you either accept his behavior ( not saying heís doing anything wrong just that you have to choice to accept him and who he is)! and continue or you learn to self soothe or you decide to walk away. Right now youíre choosing limbo where you go along to get along, itís another choice but itís one that will continue to have events like this and the one that started this thread.

  12. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Did you end it? Is that what you mean by resolved?

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