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Thread: Should I be concerned

  1. #11
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    The area he is considering to move is almost 2 hours away by train from our city and this means almost £50 return ticket for me should I be visiting ....bit challenging for my pocket ...but we will see

  2. #12
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    It's just about communication. "You've mentioned a number of trips and relocating where it will make it more challenging for us to see each other. How do "we" fit into this picture?"

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Lol that wasn't me ...
    It wasn't fishing.

    [Register to see the link]

    But he did go away and you did stew and fret.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Seems to me like he is telling you in a very straightforward way what his personal future plans are. Since those plans involve him moving quite a distance away from where you live and work, then I think it is a fair question for you to ask "what does that mean for us" or "how do you see this move working out for you and I." Instead of fretting away about it and asking strangers to read tea leaves for you, you do need to ask him directly and no, it's not too soon. You need to know where you stand and it's better to know now rather than waste another 2,3,6 months on this only to get dumped because he never saw anything more than a casual deal with you.

    I'll give you a personal example of something similar. We were 3 months in, when he came and shared with me that he'll be moving to x place in roughly 6-8 months. So I did ask right there and then, what does that mean for us. His response was straightforward, "IF our relationship continues as great as it has been, then I see you joining me and moving in with me when you see fit. I do realize that it might be a bit soon for living together depending on when exactly I move, so I do see some temporary commuting happening but really, I'd leave that up to you. Overall, these are my future plans and this is how I see my life over the next several years, etc, etc, etc." My point is that he was straightforward with me about his future plans and left it up to me to decide if those plans would suit me and I want to continue the relationship, or if I want to cut bait and run. Either way is fair so to speak.

    My point is that a reasonable person will respond reasonably to these kinds of concerns. They won't promise you the world, but they won't freak out that you asked either. If they do freak out, then quite frankly they are giving you the answer that you don't want to hear - they are only there casually and they'll use your question as a convenient out...just remember, they were going to dump you anyway, so it's a case of the less time you waste on that person, the better.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Like others have said, it's a simple conversation asking him how he sees you as a couple in these plans.
    And then you communicating how you'd like to see things going, how he fits in your plans.

  7. #16
    It can be confusing and scary when a partner mentions about traveling or doing things that do not include you. You mention you have plans for going away together in May. This sounds promising. What exactly about him traveling do you feel uneasy about? Has anything ever occurred in the relationship to have you fear? When he speaks about these travels do you mention to him that you would like to attend some of them? I do not think him wanting to travel is a negative thing but rather he may think you might not be interested in going or meeting family maybe too soon.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Every week itís fhw same core question

    How did i not seem needy
    How do I not seem needy
    How do I not seem needy

    Youíre so petrified of him.

    It IS indeed an easy question.

    And Ďwhat are your future goalsí wonít scare anyone away. Why are you so afraid to ask relationship minded questions if youíre relationship minded? Men donít get tricked into relationships, they go into them willingly so I must say Iím very confused by your logic right now. You arenít asking for his hand in marriage or his first born child for sacrifice but with your level of anxiety youíd think you were.

    Iíd love to know more about you irka, what do you think is causing this extreme fear?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    irka, I apologize for not knowing these answers if they've been posted previously but is this a casual relationship?

    How long have you been dating, are you exclusive?

    Discussed future or just taking it day by day?

    Nothing wrong with either, just asking for clarification.

    When he said he was wanting to sell house and move out of "city," do you know what he meant?

    Moving to the suburbs, but still close by? Or out of state, country?

    Did you ask?
    If they are official since December the relationship is new. At face value and at such an early phase I wouldn't be very worried with his trips, being that they have a small trip planned together. Him moving away to another town might put a strain on the relationship though, but it's too soon to think about living together.

    But given that OP is always so stressed about this relationship, us thinking weather it's a big deal or not to be concerned is not that important. This reminds that other poster whose boyfriend went to fishing with his cousin where the issue was more the "anxiety- soothing - anxiety again" cycle than the actions of the boyfriend per se. I'm not saying though that it's not important to be attentive if the boyfriend acts like he's in a serious committed relationship or not.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It's just about communication. "You've mentioned a number of trips and relocating where it will make it more challenging for us to see each other. How do "we" fit into this picture?"
    I like this approach. Direct and right to the point.

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Seems to me like he is telling you in a very straightforward way what his personal future plans are. Since those plans involve him moving quite a distance away from where you live and work, then I think it is a fair question for you to ask "what does that mean for us" or "how do you see this move working out for you and I." Instead of fretting away about it and asking strangers to read tea leaves for you, you do need to ask him directly and no, it's not too soon. You need to know where you stand and it's better to know now rather than waste another 2,3,6 months on this only to get dumped because he never saw anything more than a casual deal with you.

    I'll give you a personal example of something similar. We were 3 months in, when he came and shared with me that he'll be moving to x place in roughly 6-8 months. So I did ask right there and then, what does that mean for us. His response was straightforward, "IF our relationship continues as great as it has been, then I see you joining me and moving in with me when you see fit. I do realize that it might be a bit soon for living together depending on when exactly I move, so I do see some temporary commuting happening but really, I'd leave that up to you. Overall, these are my future plans and this is how I see my life over the next several years, etc, etc, etc." My point is that he was straightforward with me about his future plans and left it up to me to decide if those plans would suit me and I want to continue the relationship, or if I want to cut bait and run. Either way is fair so to speak.

    My point is that a reasonable person will respond reasonably to these kinds of concerns. They won't promise you the world, but they won't freak out that you asked either. If they do freak out, then quite frankly they are giving you the answer that you don't want to hear - they are only there casually and they'll use your question as a convenient out...just remember, they were going to dump you anyway, so it's a case of the less time you waste on that person, the better.
    Right on the money! I think that in this case asking directly about how he sees the relationship going with these new plans is not a "needy" question or insecurity based. It's an honest question. Being that you're already in a committed relationship, you should communicate with each other about these things without fear of "scaring the person". It's not like you're asking him to marry you on the first dates or two. If he gets scared with these totally reasonable question, then he's not that into this relationship as you are.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    You've been together what, four months? A little more? As far as the more distant vacations go and you not being innately included in those plans, especially considering you do have a joint venture coming up, I'd let it go for now. What I do fully agree with folks on is very simply broaching the topic of how you two would potentially navigate his move away, though I do hope you two discussed broad relationship goals much earlier on. Was this just a general idea of his to move out of the city, or is this something he's trying to knock out in the next year or two? I think it'd speak much more as an indicator of the relationship's shelf life if mentioned as a concrete plan in the works rather than kinda shooting the ****. In any case, it's a good conversation to have simply for the fact you'd be talking about something he's interested in, never mind the implications it would have on your relationship.

    With nothing written in stone between you two, particularly if we're still talking the honey moon phase, I don't think it's the biggest red flag if he's currently not coordinating you into his more distant travel and moving plans. I know I personally wouldn't be. But you're obviously still within your rights to explore with him how your relationship would fit in should you two make it as a couple to such points.

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