Help From Honest People Please

Hi Guys, I hope this post finds u well.

I have a query, it's abit difficult to speak to my closest people about because it really does compromise our relationship if I do.

My partner and I have been together 4 years now, it's fair to say we've had our ups and downs. Recently however, there has been a turn of events which I would really appreciate some honest advice.

I'll try and make this quick and to the point.

So for valentines day, I tried to make the day special for my gf by buying her several gifts in access of £140 just because I really wanted her to feel loved and special.

My gf got my a card from the shop over the road, it was a very basic card, and I really felt not alot if thought or effort was put in on my gf behalf.

She did explain that she doesn't get paid for another couple days but said she will treat me when she does.

No biggie but u did feel upset, I can't hide that fact. Pay day came and went, and it was beginning to upset me. I was still waking up early, taking my gf to work at 7am when I didn't need to be in work till 11, not to mention, I recently (8 months ago) relocated to my gfs home town, some 27 miles away, which now requires me to do a 60 mile drive 5 days a week to get to my work place.) 1 week later my gf sent me a picture of boots for over £170 and hinted that she would like these for her birthday in 3 weeks time. I was slowly beginning harbour resentment for her, as I was driving to work. I just felt it would have been nice for some appreciation for me moving to be with her etc.

The next morning my partner picked up on my unfortunate sulky demeanour, and told me before leaving for work, I either change my attitude or f#@k off and don't come bk that evening.

This was on the Friday. My gf was due to go out on Saturday night with friends to a gig. Saturday she asks me if I'm going out because if I am, she's going out out, and if not she will be home at a reasonable hour. She also mentioned that she would need picking up after her night out. I offered to stay at home and u would pick her up that night.

Come 1 am I got in the car to drive 15 mile to the train station and pick her up.

My gf gets in the car, says thanks for picking me. I said ur welcome, how was the show? She said yes, it was great. Then she said what's wrong with u? I was really tired, I had been in work 5 days straight, with the 60 mile journeys, It was 1am and I was flagging.

She then said to me i need to think long and hard about what I'm doing and if I'm not going to change my attitude I need to step over to let "next man" her words, step up. And stop waisting her time.

It took every bit of strength from me not to pull the car over and ask her to get next man to take her home.

4 years in guys, sorry to carry on.

Obviously, the next morning, I told her how very upset I am about this and told her maybe it is time to let "next man" look after her then.

She went ape, pulled all the draws out the kitchen onto the floor, screaming she wishes she was dead, like it went off. Now she's staying in her mums and I'm considering moving back home? I feel like she doesn't respect me at all and takes me for granted. How dare she allow me to pick her up at 1am and spend the journey home telling me about "next man"??

Please guys, even if I'm in the wrong, please help!!

Thanks in advance

R

She went ape, pulled all the draws out the kitchen onto the floor, screaming she wishes she was dead, like it went off. Now she's staying in her mums and I'm considering moving back home? I feel like she doesn't respect me at all and takes me for granted.

The hell? Is she normally this unstable? I'm guessing this is the real reason you pander to her, because you know if you say "no" or stand up for yourself, she explodes and throws an insane tantrum.

You're right that she doesn't respect you. Sadly, you don't seem to respect you either. My sense is that your relationship has been like this for a long time and that this latest episode with Valentine's Day was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

What is your history with her like?

Sorry to hear this. It seems the gifts, cost,etc are not the issue. Interestingly you seem to keep track of every pound, every minute/hour, every mile that you feel is unfair or an inconvenience and seem to hold her accountable.

The issue is you resent moving in with her in her locale, your commute and some other things. It sounds like moving there was not a wise move. You don't get along and both seem to have resentment and too much hostility. You make her out to be a shrew and yourself out to be a victim. Can you move back home? Face it, it's over. Your living together test-drive just didn't work out.

My partner and I have been together 4 years now. I recently (8 months ago) relocated to my gfs home town, some 27 miles away, which now requires me to do a 60 mile drive 5 days a week to get to my work place.) I was slowly beginning harbour resentment for her, as I was driving to work. I just felt it would have been nice for some appreciation for me moving to be with her etc.

 

Now she's staying in her mums and I'm considering moving back home?

I agree it's not fair to hold every pound and penny over her. Give a gift for the sake of giving a gift, not to foster resentment afterward for it not being, in your mind, properly reciprocated. That said, it's quite audacious of her to all the while proceed to send you "hints" (assuming we're not misinterpreting) of expensive boots she'd you to buy her. And one of my biggest pet-peeves is passengers who press an issue while someone is driving them both for 1) badgering a captive audience and 2) that captive audience being responsible to handle a 2500+ pound motor vehicle.

Look, no one wants to live with Eeyore. Does she have every right to roll her eyes and avoid you as a toxic presence for all your brooding about the house? Absolutely. To tell you to "change your attitude or **** off and not come back that evening?" Yeah, not quite. You being an depressing existence isn't at all proportional that combined with giving you crap with all the "next man" rhetoric" while you're providing her a lift home after her night out and her proceeding to throw drawers the following day. As written, this woman is objectively in the wrong even if you were objectively acting like someone none of us would want to share a couch with.

Again based on what you've written, it's quite obvious she doesn't respect you. Being frank, if this is the dynamic you've got, wherein you're constantly compensating only to shut down and ho-hum whenever you realize you've got a pretty **** deal going for yourself, she's likely got zero reason to respect you. I'm not imagining this is a fresh new spin on your four year relationship, but if it is truly its own incident, feel free to educate us further. But regardless, I'd have to unfortunately surmise it's over. You're past the point of asserting some self-respect and knowing how well or badly she'd have treated it if you had done so sooner. Sometimes it just happens that a relationship dies with no available recourse. Sorry it's happening, but spend some time single and learn to appreciate what you can bring to the table which doesn't include expensive gifts or relocating almost exclusively for their benefit. You put a woman on a pedestal and you'll have inherently positioned her to look down on you.

Hi Guys, thank u very much for taking the time out if ur day to throw some new perspectives about.

Yes I agree, it is unfair of me to count so to speak. I think it's been a gradual thing thing tho. Feeling unappreciated. Then over time I have became somewhat conscious of what I am trying to give. Like, yes I purchased them gifts to see her smile? Not because I wanted anything back. Yet I guess I wonder why she wouldn't wanna reciprocate? It helps bring us closer? It didn't have to be expensive gifts but just like, somethin that days hey, this is for u.

The screaming and throwing kitchen utensils and our photos on the kitchen floor isn't a one time thing . It is a case of, keep pressing and i will explode. She's said that to me on many occasions.. "I'm gonna flip in a minute" as a warning. It's not fun. She has been better before today and it somethin we have spoke about before, but she absolutely will use these tantrums as means to control and bully I guess.

I was sulking and feeling unappreciated. Like, last night she came around and told me I'm horrible person. I'm scum. I'm a piece of scum. She deserves better. I'm wasting her time. Like.. Then she asked me if this is really what i want. I said how can I live where I'm not respected? Then she let out a cry and ran out the door.i feel terrible. It's not right is it, like am I horrible? Have I created all this?

History wise, she has told me, on more than 4 occasions if u leave her she will kill herself. That day in fact, after the kitchen utensils etc where on the floor, I told her I'm going out for a walk and I suggest she cleans the place back up. And later that even she said "u don't even know what happened to me when u were gone, I had to phone my mum, I've had a breakdown" it strongly felt like she was trying to make me feel very guilty and responsible for whatever episode occurred when I removed myself from the situation

This woman is incredibly toxic and you're unhappy and so does she. This is not working. She needs psychological help from a professional, something you cannot help with. If she's emotionally blackmailing you with threats of suicide, I'd call a family member to tell what's happen and I'd also call an ambulance. I was also blackmailed on suicide by an abusive man and guess what, nothing happened and he begged me not to call an ambulance.

You two shouldn't be living together, this is extremely unhealthy and toxic.

History wise, she has told me, on more than 4 occasions if u leave her she will kill herself. That day in fact, after the kitchen utensils etc where on the floor, I told her I'm going out for a walk and I suggest she cleans the place back up. And later that even she said "u don't even know what happened to me when u were gone, I had to phone my mum, I've had a breakdown" it strongly felt like she was trying to make me feel very guilty and responsible for whatever episode occurred when I removed myself from the situation

I had a strong suspicion this was the case.

She has issues you cannot solve. I don't doubt you have your faults too, but this has spiraled into a total toxic mess. I would encourage her to stay at her parents' and for you to find your own accommodation as well. This relationship is dead.

Open and shut case of abuse. You're walking on eggshells and doing everything you can to please her so she doesn't flip out and threaten you with either violence, leaving the relationship, or suicide.

Break up with her and get some help. If she threatens to kill herself, call 911 and give them her location. She likely isn't serious, and it's not your job to keep her alive.

While she is with family, you need to get out of this toxic situation today. Yes, get all your things and move out immediately. This shouldn't even be a debate.

That said, don't ever do things for others expecting an ROI. There is a difference between expecting to be treated well and leaving a partner if they don't and doing things, buying things and then sulking with resentment that they didn't reciprocate equally.

Anyway, your relationship is overall toxic and mutually so. You are walking on eggshells while she is pitching tantrums and making wild threats. Should have left her years ago, but late is better than never. Just leave now and don't look back. Anything that needs to be separated, separate and after that, block her from contact. If you don't, she will continue to mess with you and try to get you back under her control and beck and call. People like her don't like losing a servant, which is all you really are to her. Actually people treat servants better.

Just move out and tell her to get help.

Beyond that? She really is not your problem. I do not see expression of affection on her part. and as for yourself? Your gift had strings attached. I can see how you needed to test her level of interest in you. But the test failed.

BTW. if it had been me on that 1 AM train pick up? OMG, I'd have found a safe place to boot her out and done so.

BTW II, I an sorry she has mental health issues, but you do not have to be trapped as a hostage to them. Move on.

Neither of you know how to communicate properly. Instead of communicating what you need or how you're feeling and why, you sulk. You also likely let things slide for all these years, trying to see if she would make you feel special, and treat you as a priority, waiting and hoping, showing her by example. When that didn't transpire, you stuck around anyway. When a person doesn't offer what you need, ask for what you need if it's a reasonable request, and if they still don't deliver, it means that they don't care, so you walk away.

On her end, instead of having a mature discussion to resolve issues, she threatens to kick you out or finding a new man or committing suicide. That causes so much bitterness that eats away at the relationship.

If you don't enter weekly and very longterm, probably a minimum of a year, couples counseling, I recommend ending a relationship that is more frustrating and upsetting than it is satisfying. For your own success at a future relationship, I recommend you read some books on how to effectively communicate with your partner, such as Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

I agree with all. You need to leave before she calls the cops saying you’ve laid a hand on her. Then you could really watch your life go up in flames.

Leave her, now.

I agree with all. You need to leave before she calls the cops saying you’ve laid a hand on her. Then you could really watch your life go up in flames.

 

Leave her, now.

Absolutely. She's abusive and manipulative. You need to get out before you end up with cops called by someone and it's you being dragged off.

I agree with all. You need to leave before she calls the cops saying you’ve laid a hand on her. Then you could really watch your life go up in flames.

 

Leave her, now.

Yes. She's abusive and I wouldn't surprise if she pulled one like this. You need to leave from this abusive relationship as soon as you can and now that she's at her parents it's a good opportunity to leave the house and find somewhere else to live, even if at your parents' for the time being. Also get ready for emotional blackmail and threats when you leave her. Block and delete her but keep every evidence of threats from her on your phone in case you need it. Also to suicide blackmail, call 911 to her house if she does so but don't get involved and don't fall for that classic manipulation tactic that many abusers use.

I think you are right! She does not respect or value you. But, you have also allowed 'Princess' to treat you like a doormat. Why are you driving her to work and picking her up from a night of partying? She is an adult and should be responsible for her own transport.

She sounds awful! Has she always been so selfish and entitled?

When reading your original post I get the impression that you try to "buy" her love by spending money on her. Would you say that is fair/true?

That said, she has issues and this is a toxic relationship. Do BOTH of you a favour and end it.

R, this girl has zero respect for you. It is all one sided. You are making huge efforts for her and she is taking advantage. On top of it, she is making little to no efforts for you.

She is being emotionally abusive, manipulative, verbally abusive, irresponsible. "Going ape" as you said, is a huge flashing sign of what she is like and who she really is.

You can't change that and you can't fix that.

By the sounds of it, she even turns the tables and blames you and threatens you, when it's clearly her who is causing the problems.

You need to move home, delete and block her number and never look back.

By the sounds of it, she needs psychological help and the sooner the better. You cannot fix her. She is with her family now, the best you can do is get out of there.

Let her family take care of her.

You need to take care of yourself and move. Once you've moved back, stay away from her. You are both toxic to one another and there is no way to fix this.