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How do I force myself to want to reconcile w husband?


Gb83

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My husband is a self proclaimed workaholic (mainly on many partially completed entrepreneur ventures that make $0 that he firmly believes will soon make millions, but that’s another story). Said he chose me to “force balance” into his life, but I got tired of being “scheduled in” to his weekend & the fact that there’s no passion- have never had 1 good kiss or great sex encounter, at first I dismissed bc I knew he was very inexperienced but it hasn’t improved. Final straw for me was him saying he’s doing this postgrad training program (medicine) that’ll take numerous years, his career “backup plan” after startups, & there’s a great option in our town yet he selfishly insists upon making me move (for the second time in 2 years for him!) to an area w slightly better program even though I have a very high paying, hard to come by job w great hours that will be very hard to beat elsewhere & I wanted to stay settled right now with a baby on the way, having just moved for him (never him for me) etc.

Ironically he ends up turning it back on me, saying he wants a separation /divorce ASAP bc I “don’t respect him”/his work when really I just don’t respect that he puts it above our family & the immature, slightly delusional outlook about all the startups. I was transparent that I had a male friend, let husband read my phone where he saw he was flirtatious with me. Ultimately I said I’d stop talking to him if we were actually going to move forward w our marriage. He ignored those offers & every time I see him he’ll both ask when we can go to the divorce lawyers but simultaneously ask where I’ve been, if I’ve kissed that friend etc. After a month of telling me he wants a divorce, he obviously can’t stand me moving on at all either.

 

My friend is married, so even though they’ve been very on the outs & will likely get separated soon, I won’t get more involved w him (like, sex) in meantime. But my question is this: I am usually super logical, and logic tells me I should avoid any drama & try to get my husband back & get him to stop insisting upon a divorce and “work on it.” But I cannot force myself to think this way & I don’t know why. I just feel depressed and trapped to think of being committed to him for the rest of my life, especially never feeling passion or chemistry or having a good sex encounter where I feel attracted to the person. Even if it would be less dramatic especially w a child, and even if he wasn’t “that bad” other than what I said above. How can I get myself to do the logical thing when every ounce of my being wants to stay exactly as I am... No, I’m not delusional thinking my friend and I are getting together soon, but even spending time with him every day (he texts/calls/wants to see me almost constantly), not in a relationship, and then coming home to my empty house is somehow way more appealing to me than getting back with my husband. How do I force myself to want him?

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It may be best to consult your own attorney privately and confidentially. As well as a therapist alone and privately to discuss all your options regarding divorce and to help you navigate this conflict. Right now the contempt, threats, resentment and hostility is just an escalating stand off. You threaten affairs, he threatens divorce, you parade the affair more, he threatens divorce more, etc, etc, etc. Break the cycle and get the facts from an attorney and the support fro a therapist to end the cycle of manipulation and contempt.

Ironically he ends up turning it back on me, saying he wants a separation /divorce ASAP. I said I’d stop talking to him if we were actually going to move forward w our marriage. He ignored those offers & every time I see him he’ll both ask when we can go to the divorce lawyers. try to get my husband back & get him to stop insisting upon a divorce and “work on it.”

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In order:

 

Go no contact with the parasite. (May to be too late for him to allow that to be easy.)

Don't move and concentrate on your baby and home.

Tell your husband what you want the rest of your marriage to look like. Your fear has been stopping you. (That's where the parasite came in.)

If he refuses, remind him of his vows to you and give him time to think. (He may distance or leave during this correction period.)

While waiting, decide if you were trapped, rushed etc. into a non-marriage.

If not, keep waiting/thinking and building your home.

 

Is your husband from a different culture than you?

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You don’t force yourself. This is a bad relationship and both of you have made irrational, manipulative choices. Go find a therapist to help you deal with the divorce, being a single parent, and to help you figure out what kind of life you want in the future. Also, consult an attorney immediately about custody and separation. And cut off contact with the other guy. At this point, none of your energy is going toward constructive behaviors for yourself or your child. That must change immediately.

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This marriage seems to be over and it's extremely toxic. You are toxic and he is toxic and your affair partner is toxic too. Stop this nonsense, take care of yourself and build an healthy household to your child which should be your priority, not threats and other men.

 

You might realise that an healthy home for your child means not being with your husband nor your married friend but instead finding a way of being independent and co-parent in a healthy way with your (ex) husband. Set good examples to your child by not accepting to be in unhealthy and toxic relationships just for the sake of not being alone. Children pick up on this, believe me.

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If you have to "force" yourself to want to be with this immature man child control freak, what's the point? He doesnt sound like a good person to me, he's selfish beyond belief, too.

 

You'd be happier alone raising your child and living a happier life than you currently have and will likely ever have with this guy. You cant make yourself be happy with this guy when you are so clearly unhappy.

 

Go see a lawyer.

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If you have to "force" yourself to want to be with this immature man child control freak, what's the point? He doesnt sound like a good person to me, he's selfish beyond belief, too.

 

You'd be happier alone raising your child and living a happier life than you currently have and will likely ever have with this guy. You cant make yourself be happy with this guy when you are so clearly unhappy.

 

Go see a lawyer.

I think I’ve been fooled bc he actually comes off as soft spoken, considerate, and nice. He has no temper but also no passion about him- as I said, just wants to work all the time and my job is supposed to be to “force balance” on him- and with a terrible sex life that’s always been, I guess I shouldn’t stay just because it would be “easier” and he’s not “that bad.” Would just be simpler if he had some glaring red flag.

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Mature, emotionally healthy, decent men don't cheat on their partner regardless of the state of the marriage and a pending separation. What he is doing to her is what he will do to you. Do you really think you're that special one who will break his pattern of flirting with other women while he is taken? So naive.

 

You can afford to be divorced and and raise a child without being married, so make that happen. You should be alone after the divorce to mourn, heal, and concentrate on your new child. Being patient until the time is right to find a man who will meet all of your main needs is the smart way to go for now. That time is definitely not now, especially shown by your poor decision making skills in your playing with fire with the scumbag "friend." Blocking him should be your first step in chapter two of your new life.

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You need to realise that this is not a matter of your husband being the bad guy and you being a victim of his workaholic ways. Yes, your husband is toxic but you need to take responsibility for your choices of both having a child so that you don't feel alone/hoping it'll make your marriage better and specially your choice in emotionally cheating with a married man to try and both boost your ego and get a reaction from your husband. You communicate in a passive aggressive way, trying to make your husband jealous by showing him your emotional cheating with this "married friend". You're toxic too. You can't solve anything if you keep acting as if this is all your husband's fault when it's BOTH of you that are being toxic and awful communicators. Also you need to stop acting as if you're trapped between two men. There's a way out that doesn't involve either of these men. I'm very sorry you're hurting and in such a vulnerability state being that you're pregnant and your married life is falling apart, but involving another man either to cause a reaction or to feel better is not going to help you nor your child. As wiseman says, talk to an attorney and a therapist to know how to navigate through this.

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You need to realise that this is not a matter of your husband being the bad guy and you being a victim of his workaholic ways. Yes, your husband is toxic but you need to take responsibility for your choices of both having a child so that you don't feel alone/hoping it'll make your marriage better and specially your choice in emotionally cheating with a married man to try and both boost your ego and get a reaction from your husband. You communicate in a passive aggressive way, trying to make your husband jealous by showing him your emotional cheating with this "married friend". You're toxic too. You can't solve anything if you keep acting as if this is all your husband's fault when it's BOTH of you that are being toxic and awful communicators. Also you need to stop acting as if you're trapped between two men. There's a way out that doesn't involve either of these men. I'm very sorry you're hurting and in such a vulnerability state being that you're pregnant and your married life is falling apart, but involving another man either to cause a reaction or to feel better is not going to help you nor your child. As wiseman says, talk to an attorney and a therapist to know how to navigate through this.

 

Good advice, thanks. But I didn’t get emotionally involved w the other guy to “cause a reaction” from my husband- I realized even more how much I was lacking in my marriage when I met this friend- wondered if I’d be able to stay attached to my husband my whole life knowing other men were out there with whom I might, you know, actually have a good kiss once in a while and not deal with workaholism and being delusional and immature about startups and finances. As soon as I realized I was depressed at the thought of ending contact w this friend and just having my husband (who didn’t halfway meet my emotional needs and was moving states away for the next 5 years unnecessarily), I realized it was a huge red flag and shouldn’t stay in my marriage. So I told my husband everything I was thinking, and about my friend, only in interest of honesty and transparency.

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Well....the big glaring red flag seems to be that you married someone who appears to be immature and asked you to mommy him. However, I do take your description of your husband with a large grain of salt in that I don't know of any doctor or future doctor who is just so utterly immature and delusional and will just go willy nilly to some medical program without good reason. Quite frankly, I'm reading quite a great deal of disrespect and disdain toward your husband on your part and I'm not sure that it's warranted. Bottom line is that you don't respect him, don't like him, don't have any chemistry with him and never did. Basically, you married the guy hoping something will change, but nothing has and now you are miserable and full of hate and resentment.

 

Do him and yourself and your child a favor and end this marriage. Two people who don't like each other carrying on is hardly a good environment for the child.

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It does sound like you don't respect your husband--and maybe he doesn't deserve your respect. But the fact is, you picked him.

 

Question: why is this other man involved in your marriage?

 

I'm sure you'll say "he isn't involved." But all of your posts mention your husband and this 'friend,' comparing the two.

 

Next question: do you actually have respect for a married man who flirts with another woman?

 

Think about this last question, because if you're not careful, you may pick another loser.

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I think I’ve been fooled bc he actually comes off as soft spoken, considerate, and nice. He has no temper but also no passion about him- as I said, just wants to work all the time and my job is supposed to be to “force balance” on him- and with a terrible sex life that’s always been, I guess I shouldn’t stay just because it would be “easier” and he’s not “that bad.” Would just be simpler if he had some glaring red flag.

 

I think he's got plenty of red flags, how many does he need? You should never stay with someone who treats you poorly, tries to control you, has zero respect for you. Settling for him is such a bad move, you will regret that before too long. Being by yourself, raising your child, is a much better scenario compared to trying to convince yourself this guy isnt so bad after all. Yes he is.

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If you could wave a magic wand and make your outcome anything you want, what would that be?

 

You've posted about this situation already, and I still have no clue as to what it is that you want.

 

Good question. At this point I want to forget about everything my husband is lacking, realize no one is perfect, and accept a little boredom. And also accept having to move to multiple expensive areas Over the course of life because he decides so, and accept that he’ll never be moving for me (even though I’m technically the only one w the career until he finishes training in 7 years). I just want to figure out a way to reconcile w him and realize I could have it much worse- no one has a good marriage all the time. The problem is that he insists he’s never done anything wrong in our relationship and it’s all my fault for “not respecting and supporting” his work. He’s literally so intense about his “work” (startups that have made $0 in 3 years bc he doesn’t fully develop any of them) that he asked for a divorce right after I learned I was pregnant because I wasn’t “unconditionally supportive.”

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Dripping in this much sarcasm, hatred, resentment and hostility is not getting better by itself. Sounds like you're terrified of his divorce threats and most of all terrified of being alone.

 

Seething with this much hatred is making you very old and bitter very fast. You think he is the problem, but you stay and stay. You put up with it. You refuse to leave. You won't see a lawyer, you even try to make him jealous by running this pseudo-affair under his nose.

 

He is completely self-absorbed in the pipe-dreams you are financing. You are irrelevant to him, no matter how much contempt, anger, hatred or make-believe "other men" there are. What you both have in common is putting this "misunderstood genius/artist" on a pedestal.

my husband is lacking

accept a little boredom.

because he decides so

accept that he’ll never be moving for me

I could have it much worse

startups that have made $0 in 3 years bc he doesn’t fully develop any of them

he asked for a divorce right after I learned I was pregnant because I wasn’t “unconditionally supportive.”

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You're failing to differentiate between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. Dealbreaker flaws are things your husband possesses. Financially unstable. Sexual incompatibility. My way or the highway--no real partnership. Minor flaws are occasionally failing to wipe up the crumbs on the counter or leaving dirty socks on the floor.

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Good question. At this point I want to forget about everything my husband is lacking, realize no one is perfect, and accept a little boredom. And also accept having to move to multiple expensive areas Over the course of life because he decides so, and accept that he’ll never be moving for me (even though I’m technically the only one w the career until he finishes training in 7 years). I just want to figure out a way to reconcile w him and realize I could have it much worse- no one has a good marriage all the time. The problem is that he insists he’s never done anything wrong in our relationship and it’s all my fault for “not respecting and supporting” his work. He’s literally so intense about his “work” (startups that have made $0 in 3 years bc he doesn’t fully develop any of them) that he asked for a divorce right after I learned I was pregnant because I wasn’t “unconditionally supportive.”

 

Why? What would that buy you?

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Aren't you alone even when with him if you feel alienated and he is always running on about divorce? And just because you can think of worse men is no reason to stay married. There are plenty of men I dated I wouldn't marry, doesn't mean they had to be Josef Stalin to be rejected. Your thinking in every area of this issue is so flawed:i really wish you would find a therapist and work on yourself so you could figure out a better future for your child.

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