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Thread: How do I force myself to want to reconcile w husband?

  1. #11
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    You asked the same question last week. Why don't you refer to your other thread, you got a lot of good advice (six pages worth).

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    You need to realise that this is not a matter of your husband being the bad guy and you being a victim of his workaholic ways. Yes, your husband is toxic but you need to take responsibility for your choices of both having a child so that you don't feel alone/hoping it'll make your marriage better and specially your choice in emotionally cheating with a married man to try and both boost your ego and get a reaction from your husband. You communicate in a passive aggressive way, trying to make your husband jealous by showing him your emotional cheating with this "married friend". You're toxic too. You can't solve anything if you keep acting as if this is all your husband's fault when it's BOTH of you that are being toxic and awful communicators. Also you need to stop acting as if you're trapped between two men. There's a way out that doesn't involve either of these men. I'm very sorry you're hurting and in such a vulnerability state being that you're pregnant and your married life is falling apart, but involving another man either to cause a reaction or to feel better is not going to help you nor your child. As wiseman says, talk to an attorney and a therapist to know how to navigate through this.
    Good advice, thanks. But I didn’t get emotionally involved w the other guy to “cause a reaction” from my husband- I realized even more how much I was lacking in my marriage when I met this friend- wondered if I’d be able to stay attached to my husband my whole life knowing other men were out there with whom I might, you know, actually have a good kiss once in a while and not deal with workaholism and being delusional and immature about startups and finances. As soon as I realized I was depressed at the thought of ending contact w this friend and just having my husband (who didn’t halfway meet my emotional needs and was moving states away for the next 5 years unnecessarily), I realized it was a huge red flag and shouldn’t stay in my marriage. So I told my husband everything I was thinking, and about my friend, only in interest of honesty and transparency.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....the big glaring red flag seems to be that you married someone who appears to be immature and asked you to mommy him. However, I do take your description of your husband with a large grain of salt in that I don't know of any doctor or future doctor who is just so utterly immature and delusional and will just go willy nilly to some medical program without good reason. Quite frankly, I'm reading quite a great deal of disrespect and disdain toward your husband on your part and I'm not sure that it's warranted. Bottom line is that you don't respect him, don't like him, don't have any chemistry with him and never did. Basically, you married the guy hoping something will change, but nothing has and now you are miserable and full of hate and resentment.

    Do him and yourself and your child a favor and end this marriage. Two people who don't like each other carrying on is hardly a good environment for the child.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    It does sound like you don't respect your husband--and maybe he doesn't deserve your respect. But the fact is, you picked him.

    Question: why is this other man involved in your marriage?

    I'm sure you'll say "he isn't involved." But all of your posts mention your husband and this 'friend,' comparing the two.

    Next question: do you actually have respect for a married man who flirts with another woman?

    Think about this last question, because if you're not careful, you may pick another loser.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    I think I’ve been fooled bc he actually comes off as soft spoken, considerate, and nice. He has no temper but also no passion about him- as I said, just wants to work all the time and my job is supposed to be to “force balance” on him- and with a terrible sex life that’s always been, I guess I shouldn’t stay just because it would be “easier” and he’s not “that bad.” Would just be simpler if he had some glaring red flag.
    I think he's got plenty of red flags, how many does he need? You should never stay with someone who treats you poorly, tries to control you, has zero respect for you. Settling for him is such a bad move, you will regret that before too long. Being by yourself, raising your child, is a much better scenario compared to trying to convince yourself this guy isnt so bad after all. Yes he is.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Not one person suggested you to force yourself to stay in your marriage. The suggestion was to deal with your own poor decision making, which you seem unwilling or unable to do.
    The kid deserves at least one decent parent.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you could wave a magic wand and make your outcome anything you want, what would that be?

    You've posted about this situation already, and I still have no clue as to what it is that you want.

  9. 03-05-2019, 05:48 AM

  10. 03-05-2019, 06:30 AM
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    Refers to deleted post.

  11. #18
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If you could wave a magic wand and make your outcome anything you want, what would that be?

    You've posted about this situation already, and I still have no clue as to what it is that you want.
    Good question. At this point I want to forget about everything my husband is lacking, realize no one is perfect, and accept a little boredom. And also accept having to move to multiple expensive areas Over the course of life because he decides so, and accept that he’ll never be moving for me (even though I’m technically the only one w the career until he finishes training in 7 years). I just want to figure out a way to reconcile w him and realize I could have it much worse- no one has a good marriage all the time. The problem is that he insists he’s never done anything wrong in our relationship and it’s all my fault for “not respecting and supporting” his work. He’s literally so intense about his “work” (startups that have made $0 in 3 years bc he doesn’t fully develop any of them) that he asked for a divorce right after I learned I was pregnant because I wasn’t “unconditionally supportive.”

  12. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dripping in this much sarcasm, hatred, resentment and hostility is not getting better by itself. Sounds like you're terrified of his divorce threats and most of all terrified of being alone.

    Seething with this much hatred is making you very old and bitter very fast. You think he is the problem, but you stay and stay. You put up with it. You refuse to leave. You won't see a lawyer, you even try to make him jealous by running this pseudo-affair under his nose.

    He is completely self-absorbed in the pipe-dreams you are financing. You are irrelevant to him, no matter how much contempt, anger, hatred or make-believe "other men" there are. What you both have in common is putting this "misunderstood genius/artist" on a pedestal.
    Originally Posted by Gb83
    my husband is lacking
    accept a little boredom.
    because he decides so
    accept that he’ll never be moving for me
    I could have it much worse
    startups that have made $0 in 3 years bc he doesn’t fully develop any of them
    he asked for a divorce right after I learned I was pregnant because I wasn’t “unconditionally supportive.”

  13. #20
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You're failing to differentiate between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. Dealbreaker flaws are things your husband possesses. Financially unstable. Sexual incompatibility. My way or the highway--no real partnership. Minor flaws are occasionally failing to wipe up the crumbs on the counter or leaving dirty socks on the floor.

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