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Thread: How do I force myself to want to reconcile w husband?

  1. #1
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    How do I force myself to want to reconcile w husband?

    My husband is a self proclaimed workaholic (mainly on many partially completed entrepreneur ventures that make $0 that he firmly believes will soon make millions, but that’s another story). Said he chose me to “force balance” into his life, but I got tired of being “scheduled in” to his weekend & the fact that there’s no passion- have never had 1 good kiss or great sex encounter, at first I dismissed bc I knew he was very inexperienced but it hasn’t improved. Final straw for me was him saying he’s doing this postgrad training program (medicine) that’ll take numerous years, his career “backup plan” after startups, & there’s a great option in our town yet he selfishly insists upon making me move (for the second time in 2 years for him!) to an area w slightly better program even though I have a very high paying, hard to come by job w great hours that will be very hard to beat elsewhere & I wanted to stay settled right now with a baby on the way, having just moved for him (never him for me) etc.
    Ironically he ends up turning it back on me, saying he wants a separation /divorce ASAP bc I “don’t respect him”/his work when really I just don’t respect that he puts it above our family & the immature, slightly delusional outlook about all the startups. I was transparent that I had a male friend, let husband read my phone where he saw he was flirtatious with me. Ultimately I said I’d stop talking to him if we were actually going to move forward w our marriage. He ignored those offers & every time I see him he’ll both ask when we can go to the divorce lawyers but simultaneously ask where I’ve been, if I’ve kissed that friend etc. After a month of telling me he wants a divorce, he obviously can’t stand me moving on at all either.

    My friend is married, so even though they’ve been very on the outs & will likely get separated soon, I won’t get more involved w him (like, sex) in meantime. But my question is this: I am usually super logical, and logic tells me I should avoid any drama & try to get my husband back & get him to stop insisting upon a divorce and “work on it.” But I cannot force myself to think this way & I don’t know why. I just feel depressed and trapped to think of being committed to him for the rest of my life, especially never feeling passion or chemistry or having a good sex encounter where I feel attracted to the person. Even if it would be less dramatic especially w a child, and even if he wasn’t “that bad” other than what I said above. How can I get myself to do the logical thing when every ounce of my being wants to stay exactly as I am... No, I’m not delusional thinking my friend and I are getting together soon, but even spending time with him every day (he texts/calls/wants to see me almost constantly), not in a relationship, and then coming home to my empty house is somehow way more appealing to me than getting back with my husband. How do I force myself to want him?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may be best to consult your own attorney privately and confidentially. As well as a therapist alone and privately to discuss all your options regarding divorce and to help you navigate this conflict. Right now the contempt, threats, resentment and hostility is just an escalating stand off. You threaten affairs, he threatens divorce, you parade the affair more, he threatens divorce more, etc, etc, etc. Break the cycle and get the facts from an attorney and the support fro a therapist to end the cycle of manipulation and contempt.
    Originally Posted by Gb83
    Ironically he ends up turning it back on me, saying he wants a separation /divorce ASAP. I said I’d stop talking to him if we were actually going to move forward w our marriage. He ignored those offers & every time I see him he’ll both ask when we can go to the divorce lawyers. try to get my husband back & get him to stop insisting upon a divorce and “work on it.”

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    These two men are not the only choices in the world . There is also being alone . Why not do that and concentrate on making a great life for you and your baby.

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    In order:

    Go no contact with the parasite. (May to be too late for him to allow that to be easy.)
    Don't move and concentrate on your baby and home.
    Tell your husband what you want the rest of your marriage to look like. Your fear has been stopping you. (That's where the parasite came in.)
    If he refuses, remind him of his vows to you and give him time to think. (He may distance or leave during this correction period.)
    While waiting, decide if you were trapped, rushed etc. into a non-marriage.
    If not, keep waiting/thinking and building your home.

    Is your husband from a different culture than you?

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  6. #5
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    You don’t force yourself. This is a bad relationship and both of you have made irrational, manipulative choices. Go find a therapist to help you deal with the divorce, being a single parent, and to help you figure out what kind of life you want in the future. Also, consult an attorney immediately about custody and separation. And cut off contact with the other guy. At this point, none of your energy is going toward constructive behaviors for yourself or your child. That must change immediately.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    This marriage seems to be over and it's extremely toxic. You are toxic and he is toxic and your affair partner is toxic too. Stop this nonsense, take care of yourself and build an healthy household to your child which should be your priority, not threats and other men.

    You might realise that an healthy home for your child means not being with your husband nor your married friend but instead finding a way of being independent and co-parent in a healthy way with your (ex) husband. Set good examples to your child by not accepting to be in unhealthy and toxic relationships just for the sake of not being alone. Children pick up on this, believe me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    If you have to "force" yourself to want to be with this immature man child control freak, what's the point? He doesnt sound like a good person to me, he's selfish beyond belief, too.

    You'd be happier alone raising your child and living a happier life than you currently have and will likely ever have with this guy. You cant make yourself be happy with this guy when you are so clearly unhappy.

    Go see a lawyer.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    If you have to "force" yourself to want to be with this immature man child control freak, what's the point? He doesnt sound like a good person to me, he's selfish beyond belief, too.

    You'd be happier alone raising your child and living a happier life than you currently have and will likely ever have with this guy. You cant make yourself be happy with this guy when you are so clearly unhappy.

    Go see a lawyer.
    I think I’ve been fooled bc he actually comes off as soft spoken, considerate, and nice. He has no temper but also no passion about him- as I said, just wants to work all the time and my job is supposed to be to “force balance” on him- and with a terrible sex life that’s always been, I guess I shouldn’t stay just because it would be “easier” and he’s not “that bad.” Would just be simpler if he had some glaring red flag.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Mature, emotionally healthy, decent men don't cheat on their partner regardless of the state of the marriage and a pending separation. What he is doing to her is what he will do to you. Do you really think you're that special one who will break his pattern of flirting with other women while he is taken? So naive.

    You can afford to be divorced and and raise a child without being married, so make that happen. You should be alone after the divorce to mourn, heal, and concentrate on your new child. Being patient until the time is right to find a man who will meet all of your main needs is the smart way to go for now. That time is definitely not now, especially shown by your poor decision making skills in your playing with fire with the scumbag "friend." Blocking him should be your first step in chapter two of your new life.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    You need to realise that this is not a matter of your husband being the bad guy and you being a victim of his workaholic ways. Yes, your husband is toxic but you need to take responsibility for your choices of both having a child so that you don't feel alone/hoping it'll make your marriage better and specially your choice in emotionally cheating with a married man to try and both boost your ego and get a reaction from your husband. You communicate in a passive aggressive way, trying to make your husband jealous by showing him your emotional cheating with this "married friend". You're toxic too. You can't solve anything if you keep acting as if this is all your husband's fault when it's BOTH of you that are being toxic and awful communicators. Also you need to stop acting as if you're trapped between two men. There's a way out that doesn't involve either of these men. I'm very sorry you're hurting and in such a vulnerability state being that you're pregnant and your married life is falling apart, but involving another man either to cause a reaction or to feel better is not going to help you nor your child. As wiseman says, talk to an attorney and a therapist to know how to navigate through this.

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