Really Confused and Hurt...need advice? help?

Hi everyone...I'm new here...I have no idea how I even got to this site besides oddly searching the internet for help on how to interpret figure out my current situation.

I'll try to make this brief...because my story is stupid complex.

Basically...I've been divorced since 2015 and haven't really dated much since then. I'll go on random spurts of dating every few months but nothing ever leads anywhere. In 2017, I moved from my home state to the NYC area and started a new life...Upon moving, I started dating again. It was tumultuous my first 8 months--I met a man that mentally and emotionally abused me and pushed me back into some dark times for my mental health. I laid off dating for a good 8 months after that experience. In the summer of 2018, I attempted to start dating again but I just kept meeting men that couldn't settle the hell down. I dated a man for a month and then he ghosted me for no reason.

In June, I decided that I would experiment with polyamory. I had a hard time when I was married, trying to stay focused on one human. I also thought a guy on OKC that was poly was really attractive...given my failed attempts at monogamous relationships for the past three years...i figured "what the hell!" and asked the guy to meet up. I subsequently did that with another guy too (not necessarily poly but open to open relationships).

I hit it off with both of them (met them within a day of each other) and long story short--the second guy turned out to be someone I really...like? My therapist keeps telling me I'm in love with him but I refuse to believe that. I don't know if I've ever actually been in love in my entire life, not even with my ex husband. When I met this guy, he told me up front that he wasn't staying in NYC and he was leaving to go back to Central/South America in the coming months to find work...and because I was pretty nonchalant about relationships when I met him, I didn't even think anything of it. Plus, I had (and still technically have) another partner that I can talk to when I need to.

As the months progressed though (it's been about 9 to date), even with how casual it is and how easy things have been...I think I developed something stronger for him than I anticipated. When he told me in December that he was leaving before the end of the year...I uncontrollably started crying in front of him and I was so surprised and unnerved that I got so upset that I apologized to him for it.

Anyway--fast forward to now (I know this is all over the place). I visited him two weeks ago in Central America (not disclosing the location...for privacy reasons) and spent a long weekend with him. The whole time it was great-- I told him I really cared about him (I don't use the L word, ever--it's hard for me) and that he wasn't just someone random in my life. He told me he cared a lot about me too. We talked about me coming to visit when he got to Colombia. The morning I left, it seemed liked everything was just as it always had been. He texted me while I was on my ride to the airport and told me to let him know when I got checked in....but that's the last time things seemed good...

When I arrived back home I texted him to let him know I got back safely. His response "glad you got home okay." I asked him if he had a good time he wrote "Yeah, I had a good time with you". The next day...we ended up in this really bizarre conversation which started with him saying he wasn't going to be keeping in touch with anyone while he traveled and looked for work and that he needed time to meditate and reflect and then out of nowhere he suddenly told me he didn't want to continue our relationship the way it had been in NY because it would be too many phone conversations (something that we had not done EVER...so I don't know where he was getting that from). He even went as far as to say "i don't see this developing further" --even though we talked about seeing each other again soon enough.

After talking to him for a little bit...and compromising so not to scare him...I told him I didn't need anything serious right now but I wanted to maintain what we had in NY. He just said, "if you can go a week or more without communicating we can try but I'm frustrated by how much we've texted the past couple days"

I just don't know what the hell happened...he and I had so many good conversations. He held my hand the entire time we were together during my trip..he cuddled with me at night. He told me he cared about me...we planned another visit. For the most part, our relationship has been really good and we don't over-communicate with each other. He's helped me get through some of the hardest times of my entire life; he met me right before I ended up in the hospital three times...2x for surgery and once for an ER visit. He even spent a day waiting for me to get out of my second surgery so that I would have someone to get me home, he was there for me when I lost my job due to being sick...etc. When he told me he was leaving, I was there to support him on that decision. I don't want to change his life path but I feel like...I also don't want to be far away from him forever. Honestly, if he asked me today to quit my job and move with him, I would. I also know he wouldn't ask that right now...

I still technically have my other partner in my life--and the one I'm talking about above knows that. The thing is, I really don't have much of a relationship with the other guy. He and I only see each other every couple months and we don't have anything truly physical going on...we also aren't mentally compatible. Emotionally, he's a good support because he understands my history of depression but beyond that, I'd say we are friends that make out with each other more than anything else. But with the guy I went to visit...I feel so much more attached and connected to him. At one point in the fall, he went away to Guatemala for 3 weeks and we didnt exchange whatsapp info before he left so we didn't talk the entire time...he came back and texted me the day he arrived home and seeing him for the first time..it was like nothing changed even if we didn't communicate.

I'm sorry this message is all over the place...I just need some advice/thoughts/perspectives on this situation. I'm still talking to him but it's not often and it's slightly disconnected than before. I see him active on FB messenger all the time but he never gets on WhatsApp to text me. My brain just assumes he's legitimately cheating on me and won't tell me (yes, there is cheating in polyamory). This all came so suddenly and it really has me upset and depressed. I had to get a second therapist just to keep me on track so I don't slide into some bad coping skills that I have (ie: I'm an eating disorder survivor).

He never indicated he wasn't happy with our relationship and any time I asked about it...he assured me he liked being with me.

This is what you want:

if he asked me today to quit my job and move with him, I would.

This is what he wants:

he wasn't going to be keeping in touch with anyone while he traveled and looked for work and that he needed time to meditate and reflect and then out of nowhere he suddenly told me he didn't want to continue our relationship the way it had been in NY

You aren't anywhere near on the same page, Dreamtooloud. Please do your emotional health a favor and hear what he is saying to you. You need zero contact now in order to get over your addiction to him. He doesn't love you and he doesn't want to see you pining over him while he lives his life, sees other women and remains poly.

You're not poly at all (I'm thinking) you just weren't ready to be in dating. Once you actually know what you want and you're not just settling, you'll find someone. Until then, if you keep dating with no dating end goal... you will end up with men who will leave you feeling confused and rejected which will lead to you losing your self-esteem.

Time to let this one go. I hope that realization comes to you soon because liking being with you does not mean what you want it to mean. It just means he enjoyed your times together and now its become too complicated to keep those times going.

My brain just assumes he's legitimately cheating on me and won't tell me (yes, there is cheating in polyamory).

I'm sorry to be blunt but it is what it is and you're hurting yourself by keeping yourself mired to him emotionally like you are. Take back your personal power from him and move on.

I appreciate your response , ThatwasThen....I just wonder why he continues to talk to me and engage like he always has. BTW: He was never actually poly, it was me who introduced him to the idea of it.

I'm also not sure why he allowed me to come all the way to visit him after two months of not seeing each other. He knows I had no job and very little money to make the trip...and he continually told me he was excited to see me.

Maybe I just don't understand men at all. I suppose I should take a break...

This is what you want:

 

 

He's not cheating on you if he's getting with other women (which he most likely is). He clearly told you that he did not want the same dynamic with you that you had in NYC.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt but it is what it is and you're hurting yourself by keeping yourself mired to him emotionally like you are. Take back your personal power from him and move on.

For the record, he has always been open with me about that aspect. He's told me numerous times that he's not been with anyone (while I have been).

But here I am defending him regardless of him hurting me. Which is what I do with a lot of men.

I also am curious why he would tell me that we could continue if he wasn't interested at all. It doesn't make sense and it's honestly very much out of character for him (giving my history with him).

I also am curious why he would tell me that we could continue if he wasn't interested at all.

After talking to him for a little bit...and compromising so not to scare him...I told him I didn't need anything serious right now

He's moved away. Just how successful of a relationship do you think this could be when he's not wanting anything like you had with him and he's not close enough for either of you to nurture a relationship. In long distance you need to be in contact through facetime, phone calls, video chat etc in order to keep the emotional connection going. He doesn't want to do that.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Maybe you are right. My other partner thinks he's depressed because I'm telling you that what he said in that conversation was completely out of character for him.

Neither of us like phone calls or FaceTime so it wasn't really about the ever. Considering the connection remained even after not seeing each other or speaking for a month in the fall, it's hard to stomach that he would suddenly flip off his emotions (given what occurred right when I arrived on my visit two weeks ago, it's also difficult).

I suppose this is difficult to explain through a message as there is 9 months of back story and I know a great deal about him. I also know he wouldn't lie to me (which is why I mentioned my brain jumping to conclusions).

He also told me (before I mentioned the compromise) that he didn't expect nor plan for me to fade or of his life but he needed to focus on finding his next job /project. This is something I've always respected about him.

Just today he told me what he was up to the last few days and why he had been online so much (I actually asked why he was, since he told me he wouldn't be) and then when I told him hearing about what he was up to was like a virtual hug (he knows I'm really depressed rn), he proceeded to send me pictures and tell me about what he's seen so far.. And then he asked me how my new job was going (I generally don't talk about my life with him bc I don't want to be a burden). He even told me when he was getting offline for the day and said, talk soon.

I don't know. I left a lot out of my original post. My therapist thinks I just need to give him his space but I have a lot of insecurities. He's ALWAYS come back full force when he's ready... He got scared in the beginning too and I left him alone for a few weeks... And then things were fine. When he left for Guatemala, nothing changed either. I felt like him saying what he did was some fear that he'd have to attend to be his texts constantly while he was trying to figure out his next job and that's really not what I need (full disclosure, my ex husband traveled reg and if go weeks without talking to him with no impact. For the record, my divorce was mostly bc I didn't want children, not actual problems with our marriage).

I don't. I get the No Communication stuff that people seem to love around here and I've used it in situations where I've been abused...but this guy has never lied to me in any way and his comments were absolutely out of the blue...

SOme of my original reply got lost when my thread was under review...so I'm probably not doing this much justice at this point...

Nothing left to do but not give up your other options and quit putting so much emotional energy into him. If he contacts you, fine. If he doesn't, well then you get on with living your life and being poly. Just keep in mind that he's not cheating if he gets with other women and the way he left things means he's not exclusively dating you so have zero expectations of him.

I wish you luck as I encourage you to figure out your own dating end goal so that you don't waste time on half-time chucklers who keep you tethered to them in your lone emotional attachment.

I will admit that reading the words "end goal" is confusing for me. I think I've not ever wanted an "end goal" again after being married so when I find myself in these situations, I really am confused and hurt.

I appreciate your bluntness, I wasn't trying to be argumentative with my responses. It's just so hurtful that a human being that I let in so much just went completely cold on me for no reason. I will also continue to call him out for cheating if he does that--mainly because the way he left it was with us maintaining the relationship that we had. Being in a polyamorous situation, yes--you do see other people, but you are always up front about that (I am ethically poly). If he didn't want anything at all, then he shouldn't have agreed to continue on and continue to talk to me. That's just idiotic and I'd hope he was smarter than that.

I appreciate your bluntness, I wasn't trying to be argumentative with my responses. It's just so hurtful that a human being that I let in so much just went completely cold on me for no reason. I will also continue to call him out for cheating if he does that--mainly because the way he left it was with us maintaining the relationship that we had. Being in a polyamorous situation, yes--you do see other people, but you are always up front about that (I am ethically poly). If he didn't want anything at all, then he shouldn't have agreed to continue on and continue to talk to me. That's just idiotic and I'd hope he was smarter than that.

That's not true, OP. He has his reasons; you might not know exactly what they are, or you may disagree with them, but this didn't happen for no reason. Not for him, anyway.

Whatever the case may have been, it's clear he doesn't want what you want anymore. Whether that's because it was becoming too serious or he has met someone else and doesn't have the courage to tell you - you need to let him go. Your goals no longer align and your expectations are completely different. Hanging on to hope and trying to push through is likely only going to make this worse as he continues to fade out from your life. Logistically, he doesn't appear to want to commit to any sort of relationship with you because he knows it will require a level of investment he just doesn't share at this point.

I don't think he wants to hurt you, and he knows you're struggling, but he is distancing himself and trying to gently untangle you from him.

Sorry to hear about some painful experiences here.

Unfortunately, if you state at the outset of a relationship that you want an open relationship, something casual - that's exactly what you're likely to get. This is fine if you genuinely want something which isn't too involved, but reading between the lines of your original post, looking at open relationships was a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt by supposedly monogamous relationships which didn't work out. Someone who would be committed to you - by which, I mean would make the effort to keep in contact with you no matter what, and develop the relationship no matter how difficult - is perhaps more likely to be looking for a monogamous relationship rather than an open/polyamorous one.

Your current guy took you at your word at the beginning of your relationship, and is now backing off because his life has taken a different turn. With partners who are on the same page as you, there's no need to 'compromise so not to scare him'. When he said that

he didn't want to continue our relationship the way it had been in NY because it would be too many phone conversations (something that we had not done EVER...so I don't know where he was getting that from). He even went as far as to say "i don't see this developing further" --even though we talked about seeing each other again soon enough.

He's actually being quite clear. To maintain the relationship while you were in NYC was easy and natural because you were in the same city; the contact which was face to face in NYC would have to be conducted over the phone/text/whatever to maintain the same level of interaction if he were travelling - and that's something he doesn't want to do. He's not talking about your past relationship - as you say, you never had 'too many phone conversations' because you didn't need to - he's talking about the way it would be in the future. In light of the lack of commitment on his part, he is quite correct when he says he doesn't see the relationship developing further. It would take a great deal of effort on both sides to work at it, and it's an effort he doesn't want to make.

If it's any consolation, many people can't cope with LDR's, and this really isn't about you; as he said, he was happy when he was with you. Trying to keep up a relationship where the other person's fading fast is a soul-destroying business which will have a devastating effect on your self esteem; every time you see him online and know that he's choosing not to contact you will cause you at least a moment's pain. This is why No Contact is so important to the healing process. Block, delete and get on with your own life.

Quite apart from this scenario, although you don't say how long you were married for, it does take a few years to get over a divorce and it could be that you need time to process the fallout. I say this because of your self-protective behaviour, for which I've got a lot of sympathy (been there - done that!).

Generally, with new people, it takes about six weeks to three months to decide whether you've got a relationship at all, let alone one which will stand the test of time. It's a good idea to hold back in the early stages while you get to know the other person; enjoy yourself, but don't get more emotionally invested than the situation warrants. Abusers are charming and lovely to begin with, and then gradually reveal their true selves. Nice people are also charming and lovely to begin with, and it takes time to find out which you've got - so don't rush things. Also, be true to yourself. Most people aren't right for us, but we stand a much better chance of finding someone who is a good match if we're open and honest from the get-go. If someone tells you who they are - believe them!

Good luck!

I will admit that reading the words "end goal" is confusing for me. I think I've not ever wanted an "end goal" again after being married so when I find myself in these situations, I really am confused and hurt.

 

I appreciate your bluntness, I wasn't trying to be argumentative with my responses. It's just so hurtful that a human being that I let in so much just went completely cold on me for no reason. I will also continue to call him out for cheating if he does that--mainly because the way he left it was with us maintaining the relationship that we had. Being in a polyamorous situation, yes--you do see other people, but you are always up front about that (I am ethically poly). If he didn't want anything at all, then he shouldn't have agreed to continue on and continue to talk to me. That's just idiotic and I'd hope he was smarter than that.

Honey... you are not getting it. He didn't leave it with you maintaining the relationship that you had. He clearly told you that he didn't want to do that. In fact, he's thousands of miles away so its impossible for you to continue on in the relationship you had. He agreed to keep you as an possible occasional hook up partner (which you basically agreed to when you compromised your own end goal (of moving to be with him if he wanted it too) and compromised to accept what little he is willing to give.

Its not up to him to decide what you want when he's been honest. It's up to you to sever your attachment to him (through zero contact) if he's not willing to give you what you want/need.