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Thread: “Loving” a Narcissist

  1. #1
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    “Loving” a Narcissist

    I posted here a few years ago trying to get though an extremely painful breakup and didn’t find any of the advice to be helpful. In hindsight it wasn’t helpful because my ex was a cluster B narcissist.
    Not sure if anyone is familiar but a relationship with a real narcissist but it goes love bombing, devalue, discard. And that’s exactly what happened. One day she was plotting our marriage the next she seemed to hate everything about me until she coldly ended things with a text. It left me without closure and without self esteem. It’s taken me ages to recover and in truth I’m still hurt a bit.
    But I also now feel sorry for her. Her mother is over domineering and still pulls her strings, she was molested as a young teen and a widow (who she had a extremely rocky relationship with). I think she’s unable to be happy. She can fake it but deep down she’s the saddest woman I’ve ever met.

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    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Yes most of us are 'familiar' with diagnosing exes with Narcissism.

    Very familiar, infact just search the term narcissist here and brew up a pot of coffee because you'll have plenty to read.

    Youre angry, youre hurt, you went through a breakup that was traumatic to you, thats your truth.

    You do not need to feel sorry for her or even give her an ounce of energy, she is living her truth. Whatever that is, your energy towards her wont change anything. If you need to devalue her to heal, so be it, but going down this road of diagnosing just keeps her front and center in your mind.

    This road will not help you heal. Please reconsider it.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    A few years ago? And you're still dissecting this woman online?

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    I can feel you because I was married to a man with a narcissistic personality disorder. He could only love himself. There is a lot of information about it on Youtube. Sam Vatkin has videos about it. and he a self proclaimed narcissist and advises that the best thing you can do if you are in a relationship with with one is to get out of the relationship ASAP. There is also a lot of information on how to heal from the breakup from one on Youtube as well. Watching those videos helped me. I ended it with him, but I was still sad about it because I knew he did not love me although I did love him. I just got tired of beating my head against the wall.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    I posted here a few years ago trying to get though an extremely painful breakup and didn’t find any of the advice to be helpful. In hindsight it wasn’t helpful because my ex was a cluster B narcissist.
    Not sure if anyone is familiar but a relationship with a real narcissist but it goes love bombing, devalue, discard. And that’s exactly what happened. One day she was plotting our marriage the next she seemed to hate everything about me until she coldly ended things with a text. It left me without closure and without self esteem. It’s taken me ages to recover and in truth I’m still hurt a bit.
    But I also now feel sorry for her. Her mother is over domineering and still pulls her strings, she was molested as a young teen and a widow (who she had a extremely rocky relationship with). I think she’s unable to be happy. She can fake it but deep down she’s the saddest woman I’ve ever met.
    The bolded is your problem, right there. Not the content of what you write, but the fact that you are still focusing on her, and your "sorrow" for her, and your story about her.

    Your story has become that you had an ex who was a narcissist.

    While no one here can diagnose whether this is or isn't the case, we can try and help you break your pattern.

    The only way to get over this is to shift the focus onto yourself: why did you fall in love with a narcissist? Why did you stay involved? And why do you continue to stay involved?

    And yes, you continue to stay involved, even by posting this topic, but especially via your bolded statement, which is all about her. What about you? What was it in your life, childhood probably, that caused you to feel that the only form of love was by loving someone who can't be loved?

    Only when you do that sort of deep soul-searching, especially helped by therapy, will you be able to pull yourself out of this, and stop asking questions about her, but rather, have thoughts about you, and your own future with someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

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    What road? I’m not devaluing her, I accepted what she has told me herself many times.
    I’m not angry anymore. I have decided not to let her drift in and out of my life like she’s done since the break.

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    And I’m fine.. I just happened back into the forum so I figured I’d add an update to what brought me here in the first place.

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    But don't you see? By coming back here to "update", you're still giving this woman your energy.

    If you truly were over it, you'd be blasé. You'd be indifferent. You wouldn't even have the desire to write about her.

    This isn't an update, but it's you staying in this story, this "I'm so sorry for her because she's been through all this bad stuff, but she was a narcissist to me".

    And yes, I'm extremely familiar with the pattern of lovebombing, etc. I have pages & pages of my own threads about it here. I've had to do a lot of work, via therapy, tons of reading, and just time, to move past it. For me, it was uncovering childhood patterns that were keeping me stuck. What is it for you?

    I'm not trying to beat you up, I swear. I've been there. I get it. For me, what I'm still working on, well over a year later, are my own lifelong patterns that brought me to that point, and how I can permanently un-stick them. It's via therapy, books, friends, boards, etc. But my ex himself? I couldn't care less what he's up to, or why he is the way he is. It isn't about the ex anymore; it's about us.

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    I was deployed to a combat zone and after I got back from a mission which was always a bit nerve wracking and stressful she’s always be there to make me feel better and give me hope. It made me feel really close to her so all her talk of fate/love etc.. really hit home. I’m not sure anyone can really understand that but it made her part of my war memories. So when she fully disengaged suddenly it was confusing and crushed my self esteem which was complicated by the fact that I was still dealing with the war part.
    I also have an issue with trying to save and protect people so when she laid out all her issues it made me invest even more.

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    So you still haven't even read anything I've taken the time to write, or responded. I'm sorry, but I don't feel I can be of any more help. I wish you peace with this.

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