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Thread: ďLovingĒ a Narcissist

  1. #21
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    I mostly mention this because I feel it explains part of why it was so hard. Itís not normal to go from 100 to zero in a day. Usually relationships fail over time and the end makes sense even if it hurts.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    I mostly mention this because I feel it explains part of why it was so hard. Itís not normal to go from 100 to zero in a day. Usually relationships fail over time and the end makes sense even if it hurts.
    Tom, you canít speak for her. You have no idea whatís going on in her head or what thoughts she had before breakup. YOU were at 100, you have no idea where she was at. Sheís wrong for dragging things out and playing games post break up, but you have to take some responsibility for your wellbeing. Unfortunately lots of people do crap like keeping an ex for ego hits and safety nets as they move on. Itís terrible and cruel to do and itís a huge slap in the face but now you see you have to be responsible for your wellbeing, do not keep putting your heart in the hands of someone who has proven she will break it.

    And please let go of this belief that she went from 100 to zero. Youíre trying to make sense of someone elseís actions. Thatís as useful as a third nipple.

  3. #23
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    Itís not a notion.. she literally went from planning our wedding one day to actively dismantling things the next. I know these things to be true, telling me itís my imagination certainly isnít helpful

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    Itís not a notion.. she literally went from planning our wedding one day to actively dismantling things the next. I know these things to be true, telling me itís my imagination certainly isnít helpful
    Tom didnít you break up with her?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    I tried therapy a few times and I really didnít find it too helpful. I left most times thinking either they failed to understand or that it was me connecting all the dots.
    Of course it would be you connecting the dots. Therapists are facilitators, not some carwash where you go in one way and come out feeling sparkly. The best therapist in the world can't do your work for you.

    As for 'good' advice, what constitutes that for you? If you want us to enforce the idea that you've been harmed by someone else, we can do that. But what's the value to you? Believing ourselves to be harmed by any relationship that ends is a choice that stunts our own confidence in our ability to learn from experiences and navigate future relationships better than we had before.

    You can make that choice if you want to, it's not against the law. It just won't buy you anything helpful in adopting resilience as a life skill. It sends a message to your own psyche that you are at the mercy of other people's bad judgment. That's the opposite of building confidence in your own capabilities.

    We must each decide how we will use our experiences, and there's no learning value in blame. Self examination of our own contributions to any outcome is the best teaching device to build confidence in our capacity to navigate forward. It's a decision.

    Head high, and choose wisely.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder

    We must each decide how we will use our experiences, and there's no learning value in blame. Self examination of our own contributions to any outcome is the best teaching device to build confidence in our capacity to navigate forward. It's a decision.
    This^ was so well said! I posted essentially same thing in another thread (roasting breakup experts). not nearly as eloquently as catfeeder just did though!! Spot on.

    Tom, I mean no disrespect but I am wondering why you created this thread?.

    If it was truly just to update, that's fine, but have found with posters still struggling a bit (which it appears you are, apologies if I'm wrong ), it's usually more than just for that.

    You have received some excellent advice here about introspecting, looking within.

    But for some reason you seem resistant to doing that, instead choosing to focus and directing your energy on her.

    You don't even seem to be aware you're doing it!

    Things to consider and explore (within yourself) if you're open to it.

  8. #27
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    My attempt was to take a hard and accurate look at what was and then forgive all parties involved. I once could let go of the fairy tale and it kept me hanging on. I just donít like how my observations seem to be disputed.

  9. #28
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    Get more therapy? It is obsessive and sad that you are still focused on this.. If she is so awful why do YOU allow her in your life?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-04-2019 at 12:58 PM.

  10. #29
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    I made a post about an event that had a huge affect on me.. itís not ďobsessive and sadĒ. What kind of a post is that? Why would you think shaming me would be helpful?

  11. #30
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    She ended the relationship for no reason and is a narcissist, yet you continue to allow her to come in and out of your life. For years! You are back on here posting about all of this, years after the split, this is why it is obsessive. You need to get more therapy to understand why YOU continue with this.

    What a complete waste of your life. I was not shaming. You need to wake up and see this is about you holding on to a nothing relationship.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-04-2019 at 01:21 PM.

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