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Thread: ďLovingĒ a Narcissist

  1. #11
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    I guess I should add.. she reappeared in the fall after a long period of no contact. Long story but it definitely set me back a bit. 2 months of nc this time which Iím not breaking.

  2. #12
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    I read it and was responding. You asked why. Thatís my answer

  3. #13
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    If you wanted even deeper.. I didnít have a close relationship with my parents when I was young which makes me generally keep people at a distance. But when I let them in.. I really let them in. Too much so I suppose.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    What road? Iím not devaluing her, I accepted what she has told me herself many times.
    Iím not angry anymore. I have decided not to let her drift in and out of my life like sheís done since the break.
    You just posted that you pity her and that she is unable to be happy and the saddest woman you ever met. Now Iím no therapist nor am I an expert on any of these labels if I were to guess what devaluing would be defined as that would be it.

    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    And Iím fine.. I just happened back into the forum so I figured Iíd add an update to what brought me here in the first place.
    You just wrote that youíre still a bit sad.

    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    I was deployed to a combat zone and after I got back from a mission which was always a bit nerve wracking and stressful sheís always be there to make me feel better and give me hope. It made me feel really close to her so all her talk of fate/love etc.. really hit home. Iím not sure anyone can really understand that but it made her part of my war memories. So when she fully disengaged suddenly it was confusing and crushed my self esteem which was complicated by the fact that I was still dealing with the war part.
    I also have an issue with trying to save and protect people so when she laid out all her issues it made me invest even more.
    You have definitely been through a lot and Iím sorry for that, yes itís probable you attached to her more than normal given your expieriences, that doesnít make her a cluster B narcissist. Your attachment to her explained as her mental illness tricking you into being unable to let go releases you of any responsibility, but honestly based on your posting history it appears you were quite addicted to her. Because sheís a narcissist? I donít know, but you were a willing participant each time you went NC youíd go right back, youíd break up and youíd be back to square one then youíd do it again over and over and over again. Like LHgirl eloquently said, you canít fix her but you can figure out what attracted you to the drama.

    It seems youíre on that road, you recognize the timing of your connection, while you were active duty combined with some childhood issues that can explain your addiction to making it work with her and your attachment, very logical and very fixable, but her being a narcissist, that does nothing to help you, having pity on her, besides a brief, false ego boost does nothing to help you. In fact it does the opposite since it is false healing you just keep trying to get that high, so you read more you talk about it more. You write about it more until youíre consumed by it and youíre stuck. You get to keep her on your mind and itís not your fault. Win/win! Thatís why diagnosing exes is so popular.

    Iím so sorry all this is happening Tom, I hope this is just a brief visit to the anger/bargaining stage and you will move past it. You deserve to take the baggage off your back.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I also have an issue with trying to save and protect people so when she laid out all her issues it made me invest even more.
    Google "White Knight Syndrome" "codependency" and then read how to help yourself out of those types of patterns.

  7. #16
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    For what itís worth i base it on her telling me it on numerous occasions. Itís not me pulling it out of the air.
    Regardless youíre correct about the rest

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    I guess I should add.. she reappeared in the fall after a long period of no contact. Long story but it definitely set me back a bit. 2 months of nc this time which Iím not breaking.
    My ex reappears every couple of months too. Yes, I've blocked him everywhere, but he'll find a way, via a mutual acquaintance, or he'll ask someone I'm friends with on social media to show them my profile.

    But because of the work I've done, it's all very....meh. I don't even post about it, because it's just a bunch of mindless, meaningless stuff. In the early weeks and months after our breakup, even one word from him would have set me back, but these days, it's not even worth telling anyone about.

    You have to do the work, deep within yourself, to figure out why this causes you so much angst, after all this time. You could go years of NC and still stay stuck in this. It would be helpful to go into some therapy with the express desire to get at the bottom of these patterns, deep into detailed childhood stuff, or else you will have this reaction 10 years from now.

    I promise I know exactly how you feel, honest. I'm still not at 100%, but it's the remaining percentage for me, not about him, if that makes sense. I'm still working on my own mess, which I realize is a lot bigger than just my ex.

    Once you realize that, you'll realize that your ex is just a symptom of something much bigger. It's like a headache masking a tumor.

  9. #18
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    I tried therapy a few times and I really didnít find it too helpful. I left most times thinking either they failed to understand or that it was me connecting all the dots.
    If it comes off like Iíve paused my life, I havenít. This has lingered but itís not crushing anymore.

  10. #19
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Google "White Knight Syndrome" "codependency" and then read how to help yourself out of those types of patterns.
    I second this post. This is not about her being a "narcissist" (imo). Look within.

  11. #20
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    Do you have PTSD? It is very common to feel isolated and like ď nobody ďgetsĒ itĒ when in fact people do.

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