Boyfriend broke up with me because ex had an abortion?

Hello, I am new here and I really need advice on what to do in this situation. So, my boyfriend was crying and wouldn't tell me anything for a few hours. He finally called me to explain that his ex had texted him about how she had an abortion a year ago when they were together. She told his best friends, but did not tell my boyfriend that she was even pregnant. By the way, she along with his friends live in another state. The call was silent as I did not know what to say, then he told me he was going to sleep. This ex had texted him while we were together about the death of her favorite artist when I was with him, and I was confused to why she did that, so he deleted her number (he didn't block her I think? I don't remember) and did not respond. Then, she had DM'd him about her ill father and he responded saying "I'm sorry." Some may disagree with this, but I only found out that happened because I went through his phone, so he didn't tell me.

Anyways, he texted me when he woke up after telling me he was going to sleep during the call and thanked me for understanding. Throughout the night, there were periods where he wouldn't respond for some time, but he opened up a bit and told me that his soul is crushed by how he wasn't told. He also said this is a situation that will never go away and he wont be able to forget it. I apologized and told him I would do anything to help him get through this. In the morning, after I had sent a long message about how much I support him and want to be with him, he responded saying he loved me and I'm so amazing, but he had to "not be emotionally invested and needed time" because he is worried about how this will impact him longterm. I acted out of impulse and responded, "ok, so a break" to which he said, "yes." Upon hearing that I freaked because I assumed that during this break he would forget me and possibly contact his ex. So I said foolishly, "ok, don't think I can do it sorry." He reiterated how he needed to be alone and face his feelings. The last text was sent by me saying, "yeah I understand there is nothing I can do, hope you can figure it out."

We dated for a year and this incident happened on Thursday and it is now Sunday. I truly loved this man and he loved me, I don't want this to end because of something in the past that he couldn't do anything about, but I get that he is distraught about losing a child with no knowledge. We discussed marriage, living together, and what we would do if I got pregnant, although we are young (18) I believed it would last. My mom told me he may come back, and I want to reach out but I know thats frowned upon. I am just so hurt and anxious. I may have been too pushy, and I hope I didn't seem selfish. To me, I feel I ruined things in the moment by saying I can't, but truthfully, I feel as if he should not turn me away since I have been his best friend for a year now. Something tells me he may not be completely over his ex, but he also could just be guilty that he got her pregnant as he is very sensitive and caring.

My questions are:

1. What do you think I should do?

2. What are your thoughts on the matter?

3. How long will it take him to overcome this?

4. Should I say something or move on and hope for the best?

Thank you!

Sorry to hear this. Why is he still texting the ex? It sounds like they were still very attached and are now getting back together. There should be no discussion such as : "what we would do if I got pregnant", because hopefully you are smarter than this bf and his on/off gf and use protection against STDs as well as reliable contraception.

The best thing for you is to go complete no contact and delete and block him. Do not be his cheerleader or therapist. He and his ex-gf need to figure this out, not you. Hopefully he (or she) did not concoct this story as an excuse to break up and get back with her. Trust your gut instincts...he's not over her.

He finally called me to explain that his ex had texted him about how she had an abortion a year ago when they were together.

 

he loved me and I'm so amazing, but he had to "not be emotionally invested and needed time"

 

We dated for a year and this incident happened on Thursday. Something tells me he may not be completely over his ex

That was her plan to get him back. I can see him being very upset as that was his child, but why is she telling him now??? She had to get rid of you somehow .

This all seems rather manipulative. I'm sure a lot of people are going to tell you to listen to your gut instinct, as there is some mistrust including you going through his phone and worrying that he'll go back to her, so I have to agree, if you go back to him, there's some risk involved. He could very well go back.

On the other hand, you describe a really good relationship, best friends, and you've been going out for a year. When she has reached out to him, you don't describe that they really continue any communication, and no flirty behavior or seeing each other.

She seems to be manipulating things a little. Her contact with him seems to have largely been over crises. Her grandfather, death of a favorite artist, and now this termination of a pregnancy. Why now? Is she doing this because she knows his kind nature and need to protect and comfort? And you know? This could work. He feels horrible. He didn't even know and didn't have the option to either raise this child or be with her when she termed. Nothing. Of course this is not an easy thing for the woman, and so he goes to console and comfort her? They get back together? It's highly possible...it won't last, but she's going to try. But you haven't described him having a lot to do with her after her past crises, so it's hard to say if this would be something that makes him go back or if he'll just console her and move on.

Try to trust your gut on this. A year is a long time to throw away. You're young and you're not married, so do you put up with this ex-girlfriend situation, or not?. Getting back together is a risk, but relationships work because people put in the time...for better or for worse. Not everything is disposable. I'm leaning in the direction of reaching out to him. This whole situation isn't easy for you either, learning of a past pregnancy, and his hurt and grief that he is suffering right now, so you made a mistake. You haven't really described him having a high level of maintained communication with her, seeing her, etc., just someone that contacts him once in awhile when something bad happens...is there more to the story that leads you to worry about those two that you haven't shared? What makes you not trust him? If there's more going on with him and his ex that you have not shared, then it's probably better to leave things as they are.

This all seems rather manipulative.

I'm leaning in the direction of reaching out to him.

Thank you so much for this reply. My mom advised me to reach out to him today as she could see how badly this situation is negatively impacting me . I don't really know what all to mention and I certainly don't want to seem like a crazy girl who is begging. Also, my friends were skeptical as well if this was a true situation and what her intentions are. I don't know if I should bring up any red flags and call her out because I know everything is tough for him and that would cause more stress. Do you think if i reach out today that it will be too soon? He's had four days to cope.

Hmmm 🤔

His ex does seem very manipulative. Like a reply said prior, if she knows of his caring good nature....well she’s probably taking advantage. She knows exactly what she’s doing and she probably knows exactly how he’s going to react.

But why is she even still contacting him to begin with?? You said you’re 18, so they don’t have kids together or anything or reason to still be keeping touch with. She text him, and he blocked her or didn’t respond or whatever...but then she goes out of her way to DM him?? No. He’s keeping that door of communication open for her which should have been closed and locked the moment they broke up and he started seeing you. Sounds like she’s being quite the puppet master here. She’s contacting him with bad news and seems to be desperate for any empathy from him.

I understand how you could be white confused by this all...you’ve been dating for a year and seem to have a great relationship, but we still don’t understand why you’re checking his phone??? Why there does seem to be quite a bit of trust issues there? Was there a bump in the road earlier in relationship to make you feel this discomfort with him?

She's not the problem, it's your bf. Why is he still in touch with her? You are protecting him, but he is the one who stays in touch, was never over her and now broke up with you to get back with her. Don't take out your hurt/anger on her. Your bf is the problem. Go no contact. Stop chasing, fixing, coddling him.

I don't know if I should bring up any red flags and call her out because I know everything is tough for him and that would cause more stress.

Do you think if i reach out today that it will be too soon? He's had four days to cope.

I don't think it's going to make much difference, to be honest.

He was quick to ask for time apart from you, and I doubt 4 days is going to have made any significant change to his thoughts on things. Whether he truly needs the time to process or whether he was already thinking about ending things with you (or a combination of both) the news is still very fresh.

Out of curiosity, why were you previously going though his phone? You paint a relatively good picture of your relationship but I'm wondering if there is more amiss than you're acknowledging now.

The reason I checked his phone was because of my own insecurities from previous relationships. I was cheated on. I also snooped because I knew his ex had reached out before, so I was curious if she would do it again. We have had a perfect and healthy relationship before all of this, no fighting or arguments. I understand that I may need to give him more time, and I believe he will come back eventually. But right now, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I feel like I need to know what is actually going on, and if he really is connecting with her, I feel like I deserve to know. But if ignoring him is truly the best thing, how do I move on?

I don't think it's going to make much difference, to be honest.

 

He was quick to ask for time apart from you, and I doubt 4 days is going to have made any significant change to his thoughts on things. Whether he truly needs the time to process or whether he was already thinking about ending things with you (or a combination of both) the news is still very fresh.

 

Out of curiosity, why were you previously going though his phone? You paint a relatively good picture of your relationship but I'm wondering if there is more amiss than you're acknowledging now.

I agree, combined with an understanding that the ex is popping her head in and doesnt see it as boundary breaking is kinda telling.

You’re 18 so I mean no offense but I’m taking the ‘perfection’ description with a grain of salt.

I also think if he’s serious about needing space you reaching out will not help. You need to give him space. Honestly if he goes back to her, nothing you would have done could have changed that, he already had it in his head, btnif hw honestly just needs time. You disengaging and giving him time to process ( which again no offense 18 with a baby with a woman he is no longer with... finding out a year later, you’re talking about kids... there’s a whole lot of drama and apparently a lack of condoms) everything will help.

I think this idea that your relationship was "perfect" is complete nonsense. The best relationships aren't perfect. People are flawed which make relationships flawed.

It isn't you're responsibility to pull him through past baggage about an ex that he never really got over. Waiting around or trying to convince him to invest in you will not accomplish the goal that you want. You're initial instinct to not accept the "break" was 100% spot on. He wants the time to explore his feelings for his ex at the very least. If you accepted the break, he likely would have dropped you in a month or so to get back together with his ex. Choose the path of dignity and turn away from your fear and panic. He is not choosing you, which means you must not choose him.

UPDATE: I sent him a message at the advice of my mom and therapist that said I was still thinking about him and was still here for him. An hour later, I check Instagram to find that they both followed each other. You guys were so right. I've learned my lesson. He hasn't messaged back, and I don't know what to say if he does. I unfollowed him on everything. Thank you for those of you warning to stay away, wish I would've listened to you wise strangers on the internet for once lol.

jcat, it's not the answer you wanted, but it's an answer, and one you wouldn't have known for sure without reaching out. You had a year together. That's not a throwaway...at least not for you, and for as lousy as you feel right now, I hope you feel good that you exhibited your care for him, and also opened that door for the possibility. This could have gone in the other direction...it's possible, but if you were both too busy being stubborn, it could have been an opportunity lost. All you can do is reach out...and then take the hint as the case may be. Even if he does come back to you, you are more aware now than in the past of this connection that is a lot stronger than you thought...that he still has feelings for his ex. Now you can walk away with knowledge. Sorry about everything that happened, but I think you did the right thing.

This must be so heartbreaking. I truly feel for you and can't believe he broke up with you through text :/. Leave this guy behind you, you are truly worthy of so much more.

I'm sorry, OP.

Let his silence be your cue that he is not that bothered about you anymore. I would cease any further contact with him, as it will be very hurtful for you if you find out that they have gotten back together.

4. Should I say something or move on and hope for the best?

 

Thank you!

You should move on.

He reiterated how he needed to be alone and face his feelings.

Eye rolling BS. Run, don't walk away.