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Thread: Emotionally empty and feel used an hour after anal sex

  1. #1
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    Emotionally empty and feel used an hour after anal sex

    Hey guys.

    Bit of backstory first:

    So I'm a 25 y/o straight female, in a relationship with a straight 27 y/o male. Been together 4 months now, been quite sexually active (safely) and been mutually enjoying it.

    Last spring (April - June) I had a bad relationship with a psychologically and somewhat sexually abusive guy (who police think was trying to get me into sex trafficking.) With that guy I did have sex (anal, oral, and vaginal), and some of the times weren't consensual (especially the oral, and he would also pressure me into pleasuring him.) I should also mention that before this relationship, I had never been interested in oral or anal sex.

    Relationship ended in June, I met my now-boyfriend in November and have been seeing him every since. We both have pretty healthy sex-drives, and are open to trying new positions/stuff/etc. Other than I'm not really interested in toys and the like. But oral and anal, I've never really wanted to do them again after my previous relationship with (as he's been dubbed) Dips*t.

    I will also say, my boyfriend is fully aware of how Dips*t used me and messed with me, and is very respectful and doesn't force anything on me and always lets me know that if I don't like anything, just tell him to stop and he will. Very supportive and protective, he's also very pissed at Dips*t for having mistreated me. Hopefully the two never cross paths, lol.

    Anyhow, my reason for this post:
    Last night we tried anal sex for the first time (his first time ever, my first time with him.) It's something he's been curious about, we'd talked openly about it before as he'd asked if that was something I'd ever be open to trying again, and I'd told him that I couldn't make any promises and it was pretty likely it would never happen. For some reason, I decided what the heck, let's give this a whirl.
    It didn't hurt, I don't personally get anything really out of anal so it wasn't sexually satisfying to me (but I didn't really expect any different because I already knew that, I knew it was going to be for his pleasure alone.) He asked me if I was sure right before we started, and I responded (truthfully, as far as I can tell) with yes. He asked me if I was okay a few times during it and I felt fine so I said yes.
    He enjoyed it, thanked me for the opportunity to try it out, and we then dressed and headed out to grab some food. Got back to his place with food, he started watching Netflix and I headed to the shower (had worked out right before sex) and that's when things started to go downhill.

    I started to get really depressed-feeling in the shower, and felt very empty and used. Mind you, this is probably and hour or so after we had sex. I cried for a while (silently) in the bathroom and then moved to crying on the couch for a while before coming back into the bedroom where my boyfriend was, where I promptly broke down crying even more and unthinkingly blurted out that I felt like I had been raped (that was the first thing that came to mind to describe the empty and used feeling that I had,) deeply regretted having anal sex, and felt inexplicably empty and used.
    My boyfriend was shocked and very apologetic and just sat and held me close to try comfort me. But he was also quite hurt from the implication that he had sexually hurt me. It was consensual, I was fine with it at the time, I just had NO IDEA that I was going to feel like such an object afterwards.
    I think if we had ended up having regular P in V sex afterwards I wouldn't have felt so bad, but still.

    Has anyone ever had anything like that, feeling used after consensual anal sex?
    Or does anyone have any tips/feedback to help us out?

    P.S. You should also know that my boyfriend HATES rapists, to the point that he would (and I kid you not) probably beat the living daylights out of anyone who is being or has been sexually abusive, so this really hurt him to think that he might have hurt me.
    Last edited by WorkingGSD; 03-03-2019 at 02:16 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You are making him pay for the sins of your ex.

    How could you not? After an emotionally traumatic event you jumped almost immediately into another relationship.

    You never healed or even sat with what happened to you.

    Now your poor boyfriend is being told by a woman heís dating and cares about that he raped her

    Can you imagine how that would make someone feel?

    Iím certain you didnít mean to harm him, thatís where you are psychologically, this is the aftermath, both if you should have decided, you werenít dating material but neither did this is the aftermath.

    My best advice apologize and get into some sort of therapy or survivors program and get the help you desperately need. Youíve been through a lot take the time to do some self care.

  3. #3
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    I think you need therapy to address your past sexual trauma before engaging in sex with this guy. Each time you have any type of sex with the new guy the old trauma will be there waiting to rear itís ugly head contaminating this relationship.

    Please get help for your past abusive situation

  4. #4
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    A bit more context would help w/r/t your previous relationship. Did he force oral and anal on you?

    It sounded consensual, so a bit confused about that. I can't determine whether it was your previous relationship, or something even prior to that, that subconsciously led you into that unhealthy relationship.

    In any event, agree with FIO, regardless of where they came from, you have unresolved feelings surroundiing sex, in this case - anal.

    And having anal with your current bf caused these unresolved feelings that you had been suppressing to rise to the surface.

    Hence why you lashed out at your bf.

    Not uncommon among abuse victims who never sought professional help after the abuse.

    My advice would be to apologize to your bf, find a therapist, one who specializes in sexual abuse and PTSD.

    I am sorry this happened GSD, take good care and wish you the best as you work through this.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You need to address this in therapy before any other sexual experience. Your bf is probably scared as well. However your feeling he didnít rape you and it was not fair to blurt that out. I have been sexually abused so I get the feelings but still that was super unfair and something to unload in therapy not on him.

  7. #6
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    My ex forced oral, anal my ex just slipped in the backdoor without me hardly realizing it until he was inside. Oddly enough, I didn't really mind anal with my ex, I just never got anything out of it myself. Just knelt and took it.

    My current relationship I have also described and understood as healthy, this is the first time something like this has ever happened.

    Re: the unresolved feeling surrounding sex, I actually do really enjoy sex (P in V) and we have experimented with a variety of positioning etc with success and enjoyment. I'm surmising that there's probably something subconscious about anal however, that may have resulted in that. Anal is very (for me) one-sided, and a bit degrading. I offered because he'd never tried it and was curious. I thought it might be different with someone I actually love, and someone who respects me. I guess I was wrong as to where I am emotionally.

    You're mostly right in that I didn't get therapy right after the bad relationship with my ex, however i recently had 2 sessions with a counselor that seemed to help a lot. I had thought I didn't need any more, however I'm thinking I may have been wrong.

    I 100% apologized to my BF, he's a true gem and I feel lucky to be with him. I think we'll be okay, just threw a rock into the machinery that needs to be taken out.

    And thank you, it's been a trip getting back to 'normal' (whatever that is.) I'll get there one day, one step at a time.

  8. #7
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    I wouldn't say that I jumped "immediately" into another relationship, but see that how you will.

    I wouldn't say I didn't heal before getting into another (my second) relationship. I will say, however, that there are some things that only being in a relationship can bring back to the surface. I don't see that waiting lots longer would have made some things go away. But I'm not at expert....

    Thanks for telling me I'm not dating material?

    Yes, I'm going to go back into therapy. Maybe find some victim support or something.

  9. #8
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    Thank you for your feedback.

    Yes it scared him a lot. I don't blame him, I have apologized several times since for my poor choice of words and acknowledging that he has NEVER laid a hand on me without my consent, and that I in no way feel that he actually DID rape me, and didn't feel like I was being raped during the sex.

    I would have unloaded it in therapy, except I didn't know it was even in there. I didn't know that I could even feel this way after consensual sex with someone I love.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by WorkingGSD
    Thank you for your feedback.

    Yes it scared him a lot. I don't blame him, I have apologized several times since for my poor choice of words and acknowledging that he has NEVER laid a hand on me without my consent, and that I in no way feel that he actually DID rape me, and didn't feel like I was being raped during the sex.

    I would have unloaded it in therapy, except I didn't know it was even in there. I didn't know that I could even feel this way after consensual sex with someone I love.
    I understand it can come out. However , I would continue with therapy . I know years of therapy helped me.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Agree with others. Your reaction came from past wounds that have not healed. Your sex life will suffer if you don't get the help you need in order to heal from the past trauma.

    I hope you can explore these feelings further with your therapist in order to move past them. But expect that it will take some time.
    In the meantime, keep sex low key with your boyfriend. Focus on sharing love with one another and not about it being kinky or new positions, etc.

    Now is not the time for things like that if you've got unhealed trauma.

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