Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have read so many stories on here about someone feeling they had a great first date or even a great few dates, only to be ghosted and to have no idea what went wrong or what happened.

 

Now I can't say that 100% this article is true for everyone out there, but it does give people something to think about and maybe consider if it's what happened to you.

I personally feel the woman in this article is very selfish. She is using people for her own purposes and ego boost. IT'S WRONG. So please don't take the message from this article as something you should do.

Don't use people!!

Don't waste their time and get their hopes up for your own selfishness!!

I am ONLY sharing this story so those out there wondering what they did wrong or why they are abandoned so they can see that there may be another possibility.

 

This story isn't just for those who are on their first dates either. It could be that you got involved with a married man or woman who needed validation or an ego boost so they will date you with the promise that they want to divorce, but will never actually go through with it or drag it on and on. Or end up telling you they can't see you working out after all.

They want you to make them feel wanted for a time being but at the end of the day, go home to their partner or move on with their life on their own.

 

They know what they're doing and it's incredibly wrong. According to this article, the percentage of people doing this is quite high.

So all of those out there online dating...beware.

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/3874f653-ee19-4015-a55e-fe60064abb55?ocid=socialflow_facebook&ns_source=facebook&ns_campaign=bbcnews&ns_mchannel=social

Link to comment

This is disgusting on her part. I didn’t feel I owed a stranger or someone I went out with a few times an explanation. For. Lot of my dating life it would have meant calling and reaching the person to tell them or later an email or instant message. I didn’t have a cell phone until I was 42 and married. I never minded silence after an early date with someone. I much preferred it to the flowery “you’re so amazing but I’m not feeling it “ e-mail. This article did make me wonder if a few guys I had first meets with were taken. I believe one was. His mother put a personal ad in a paper for him because she didn’t approve of his girlfriend. She chose me and I met her son for dinner. I didn’t know about the girlfriend till we met. Anyway I hope karma comes to the woman in this article.

Link to comment

Yes, not saying this article covers the case for every person out there who is ghosted, but it could be a reason for some.

 

I know some people will date and one of them just won't see it going anywhere. But then who knows? It might be someone who is already taken and looking for an ego boost.

 

I agree that the woman in this article is selfish, selfish, selfish. It angered me how she used men who did her no harm.

Link to comment
She is awful. So are all of the other attention seekers!

 

I agree! But it did make me wonder how many women or men do this kind of thing. Lots of stories on here with people going on dates that they thought went really well, only to never hear from them again.

Link to comment
I agree! But it did make me wonder how many women or men do this kind of thing. Lots of stories on here with people going on dates that they thought went really well, only to never hear from them again.

 

I bet there are many.

 

Thanks for posting.

Link to comment

Sherry, I read a similar story about a man in a committed relationship who did the same thing.

 

Except he would continue dating them! For an ego boost, boredom whatever.

 

He dated them until they started pushing for more, he told them he could not/did not want to give more, and they dumped him.

 

Here's the kicker. He discussed one woman he fell hard for; he did not expect to, he expected to use her like the others, for ego boost.

 

But he developed real feelings for her, fell in love with her!

 

But he could not leave his long term committed relationship/girlfriend, so he up and ghosted her!!

 

Said he hated doing it but couldn't face her. Decided it was best to simply ghost.

 

He stopped using women after that.

Link to comment

Kat, omg. I can't believe people actually do this.

 

This article was an eye opener for me. I have heard or even been contacted by married men on dating sites looking for something on the side (they got immediately blocked), but I had no idea that others would "date" and use others like this.

 

It's a very sad realization.

Link to comment

This brings to mind a woman I met on a site like this many years ago. We became friends, she lived in Kentucky.

 

She was in a relationship but it was not exclusive. She wanted it to be but her bf did not. So she settled for what he could give and continued dating others guys, which was her right as they weren't exclusive.

 

Only problem was she did not like any of these other men she dated! Not even a little.

 

She admitted she did not nor would she ever have feelings for any of these other men, but she liked their attention, free dinners, free whatever they chose to buy her!!

 

Which is just as bad as the woman in your story imo. Using men for self-serving purposes and taking their money and gifts to boot!

 

Needless to say, she is no longer my friend.

Link to comment

I have heard of a similar story.

 

This guy I knew told me he had dated a woman who went out for dinner with him a few times, asked him for car rides, even went to the movies a few times with him.

He was confused as to how she was feeling since she kept texting him and showing interest but didn't act romantically. So he asked her if it would turn into a serious relationship.

She admitted that she had no interest in him romantically but that she wanted to get out of the house now and then on someone else's dime!!

 

Yep, it takes all kinds *shaking my head*

Link to comment

Wow, just wow. This is why I had never hesitated to look people up online (i.e. - on social media, etc.) prior to meeting them.

 

My searches might not have told me everything, but they have saved me from the possibility of meeting people who were in relationships, married, and one guy who had an ongoing assault case following a criminal trial (a civil case), which was clearly enough for me to no longer engage with them.

 

There’s no such thing as being too careful out there.

 

It’s such a shame to see people treating each other this way.

Link to comment
Sherry, I read a similar story about a man in a committed relationship who did the same thing.

 

Except he would continue dating them! For an ego boost, boredom whatever.

 

He dated them until they started pushing for more, he told them he could not/did not want to give more, and they dumped him.

 

Here's the kicker. He discussed one woman he fell hard for; he did not expect to, he expected to use her like the others, for ego boost.

 

But he developed real feelings for her, fell in love with her!

 

But he could not leave his long term committed relationship/girlfriend, so he up and ghosted her!!

 

Said he hated doing it but couldn't face her. Decided it was best to simply ghost.

 

He stopped using women after that.

 

This board is honestly why I deleted my apps.

 

Online dating has become a breeding ground for dysfunction. I’m sure theyre many normal folks out there but they’re few and far between because so many are using it as a means to an end. After seeing the sheer amount of heartbroken people using it as a coping mechanism and encouraged to do so! I just can’t do it anymore. I’m back to letting my friends and family introduce me to people and I dress nicer when going out, you never know who you can meet at the grocery store. It’s back to the old fashion way for me. I figure someone like the Woman in this article or someone heartbroken and rebounding aren’t going to make the effort, I mean it takes none online and look at the reward, I actually haven’t had that bad of luck but I don’t know maybe I’m paranoid now... maybe I’ll change my mind in a while but for now I’m on hiatus

 

To be honest you can always kinda tell, at least I could, one guy had his profile up and many pictures very nice looking man we talked for a couple of days didn’t exchange numbers I get a message from him and he’s deleted all his pictures when I ask him why he say ‘oh I don’t need pictures up anymore I found what I’m looking for’ I never responded after that, like come on, come up with a better excuse than the sweet talk 😂

Link to comment

FIO do you think it’s changed over the years ? When I met men this way I met a lot of good people , knew lots of good people in real life using dating sites and when I stopped I still did for years. I don’t know much first hand anymore other than my friend’s daughter met someone fairly serious through a tinder kind of app but at first just for fun. Then she relocated to be with him and they broke up soon after. Not saying it had anything to do with how they met although meeting someone for sex and then trying to become serious is challenging.

It was kind of Wild West when I started because first there were just written personal ads and online was really just yahoo chat rooms which I didn’t do but others did.

Anyway just curious. Kat’s story is awful. Honestly sometimes I feel duped and s bit used by Facebook people in my Facebook groups who claim they desperately want friends in the area etc and message back and forth and seem to want to make plans to meet. Until it’s actually time to follow through and then it’s always something. And no it’s not our interactions at all it’s simply flakiness and realizing that following through requires effort they’re not willing to make (but I am). I resent the time spent making the plan and attempting to follow up and resent being mislead with “I really want to meet people to hang out with”.

No I’m not used for money or free meals but it’s msieleading and a waste of my time. Is that because it’s easier to chat via social media and the “consequences” of flaking are minimal to none vs flaking on someone you know in real life?

Link to comment

The article is about revenge cheating.

 

It's the boyfreinds' fault in this case, he cheated on her first, so she wants to get back at him by cheating herself - going on dates.. Some people may argue that's not the best way to handle it, but people do revenge cheats in poor relationships so often it could be considered normal and human nature.

 

People do revenge cheats because they feel resentment toward their partner. She may get over it and stop cheating, or maybe not. Flip a coin.

 

 

At the end of the story she vows to tell him about the cheating before they get married - that's really dumb. Why sabotage things? Take it to your grave. Honesty and openness are two different things.

Link to comment

There's something definitely pathological about what this woman is doing, .

 

Regardless of that, I don't condone ghosting, but I don't consider "ghosting in the negative sense of the word" if I have one or two dates with someone and me or the person feels that it's not it and stops talking to me. At a few dates I don't think no one owes anyone anything. However, if conversation didn't naturally fade away between both and the person kept talking to me and asking me out and I wasn't interest, I'd say kindly in a text message that I don't see this evolving and wish them well. But I always dated to find someone to possibly have a relationship and not for ego boosts like this woman.

 

Now, ghosting after a relationship is established or many dates have gone by and the "ghoster" knows the other is pretty much all in the relationship, is very coward in my opinion!

 

Through my online dating experiences I've encountered men I suspect weren't totally single (but I didn't have solid proof of this though) or many men who were on these online apps to rebound/try to forget their exes from which they hadn't recovered from the break up at all. These were the men that would have more chances to end up ghosting me.

Link to comment
There's something definitely pathological about what this woman is doing, .

 

Regardless of that, I don't condone ghosting, but I don't consider "ghosting in the negative sense of the word" if I have one or two dates with someone and me or the person feels that it's not it and stops talking to me. At a few dates I don't think no one owes anyone anything. However, if conversation didn't naturally fade away between both and the person kept talking to me and asking me out and I wasn't interest, I'd say kindly in a text message that I don't see this evolving and wish them well. But I always dated to find someone to possibly have a relationship and not for ego boosts like this woman.

 

Now, ghosting after a relationship is established or many dates have gone by and the "ghoster" knows the other is pretty much all in the relationship, is very coward in my opinion!

 

Through my online dating experiences I've encountered men I suspect weren't totally single (but I didn't have solid proof of this though) or many men who were on these online apps to rebound/try to forget their exes from which they hadn't recovered from the break up at all. These were the men that would have more chances to end up ghosting me.

 

My friend did a lot of match.com dating back in the day and she told me of a guy who contacted her full of compliments and then explained to her he'd like to keep her number for the future since he had not yet broken up with his girlfriend. No thanks, she said, of course. What nerve though!

Link to comment
The article is about revenge cheating.

 

It's the boyfreinds' fault in this case, he cheated on her first, so she wants to get back at him by cheating herself - going on dates.. Some people may argue that's not the best way to handle it, but people do revenge cheats in poor relationships so often it could be considered normal and human nature.

 

People do revenge cheats because they feel resentment toward their partner. She may get over it and stop cheating, or maybe not. Flip a coin.

 

 

At the end of the story she vows to tell him about the cheating before they get married - that's really dumb. Why sabotage things? Take it to your grave. Honesty and openness are two different things.

 

It's not her boyfriend's fault that she's patologicaly leading men on to revenge cheat. Had she addressed the cheating with her boyfriend and made the decision of either breaking up with him or work on making the relationship survive after cheating, this wouldn't be happening. It doesn't make her cheating more valid or less deceiving if it's made as revenge. Her boyfriend might think she has forgiven him and might be all in this relationship, while she's now the cheater. It doesn't make this right. It's HER choice the way she's dealing with her pain and resentment, not the boyfriend, regardless if he cheated on her in the past or not.

 

Also, I don't think she intends to marry him and seems to fear it, because as you say, she wants to sabotage the marriage by telling him about her cheating before they get married probably so that he calls off the wedding and she doesn't have to do so herself. And also to have an "ah ah revenge, gotcha!" moment on him. This is totally messed up! Also not saying anything and move on to marry him while she still resents him and has been using men to boost her ego and revenge cheat, is not the best option either.

 

I once met a man who would cheat on all his girlfriends because his excuse was that he was hurt by a woman many years ago and so now this was his way of being in a relationship, and if these women cheated on him, as some ended up doing, at least he could say he had cheated on them first and despite never telling them he did, he felt good when they cheated on him and he had done it first. This guy and the woman on this article are messed up and emotionally stunted by their inability to deal with their pain and resentments and selfishness to look beyond their needs and the hurt they're feeling.

Link to comment
FIO do you think it’s changed over the years ? When I met men this way I met a lot of good people , knew lots of good people in real life using dating sites and when I stopped I still did for years. I don’t know much first hand anymore other than my friend’s daughter met someone fairly serious through a tinder kind of app but at first just for fun. Then she relocated to be with him and they broke up soon after. Not saying it had anything to do with how they met although meeting someone for sex and then trying to become serious is challenging.

It was kind of Wild West when I started because first there were just written personal ads and online was really just yahoo chat rooms which I didn’t do but others did.

Anyway just curious. Kat’s story is awful. Honestly sometimes I feel duped and s bit used by Facebook people in my Facebook groups who claim they desperately want friends in the area etc and message back and forth and seem to want to make plans to meet. Until it’s actually time to follow through and then it’s always something. And no it’s not our interactions at all it’s simply flakiness and realizing that following through requires effort they’re not willing to make (but I am). I resent the time spent making the plan and attempting to follow up and resent being mislead with “I really want to meet people to hang out with”.

No I’m not used for money or free meals but it’s msieleading and a waste of my time. Is that because it’s easier to chat via social media and the “consequences” of flaking are minimal to none vs flaking on someone you know in real life?

 

I know people who married their tinder dates. Actually one of my best friends married a man she met on tinder and who was the first online dating experience she ever had. It's rare but it happens. But there's also lots of messed up people like that.

 

I don't think that everyone that disappears after a couple dates is a bad person, using people for ego boost or in a committed relationship but cheating through online dating, though of course it happens, like the woman in this article and many others. I think sometimes people simply lose interest, there wasn't all that chemistry on their side (despite the ghosted person often feeling the date was great and full of chemistry), or they got other things to do or they find someone else they're more interested in, as most people multidate through online dating and have access to lots of people. Sometimes the dates go well but then and due to so much "offer" online, people get the "grass is greener" syndrome and keep dating and dating hoping to find someone better.

 

As to your online friendships, I don't have much experience with that, but I think that many people are just flaky and though they like talking from the comfort of their keyboards, they don't feel like spending the time actually meeting and doing something more. I think it'd be kinder for them to simply be honest and admit that it's not their priority taking that friendship beyond the online spectrum instead of leading you on online and being flaky.

 

This flakiness you're talking about reminded me a situation I had years ago, but through online dating. I began talking to this guy I met on an online dating app who lived right across my street. He talked to me everyday and a lot. He never asked me out. I decided to take initiative and try to arrange a meeting. There would always come up something, either work, either being too tired or some other excuse. The thing is he'd keep on messaging and talking everyday but to him I was more like a chat buddy/pen pal than someone he'd actually make the effort of leaving home and have a coffee right across the street. I ended up deleting him because I wasn't looking to chat on an online dating app. I never knew the reason he'd never meet but kept talking but I suspect he either was in a relationship, or catfishing me, or dating others but keeping me in the backburner just in case, or simply busting his ego with me for whatever reason. Or maybe, he just didn't want to bother doing something more than online chatting.

Link to comment
I know people who married their tinder dates. Actually one of my best friends married a man she met on tinder and who was the first online dating experience she ever had. It's rare but it happens. But there's also lots of messed up people like that.

 

I don't think that everyone that disappears after a couple dates is a bad person, using people for ego boost or in a committed relationship but cheating through online dating, though of course it happens, like the woman in this article and many others. I think sometimes people simply lose interest, there wasn't all that chemistry on their side (despite the ghosted person often feeling the date was great and full of chemistry), or they got other things to do or they find someone else they're more interested in, as most people multidate through online dating and have access to lots of people. Sometimes the dates go well but then and due to so much "offer" online, people get the "grass is greener" syndrome and keep dating and dating hoping to find someone better.

 

As to your online friendships, I don't have much experience with that, but I think that many people are just flaky and though they like talking from the comfort of their keyboards, they don't feel like spending the time actually meeting and doing something more. I think it'd be kinder for them to simply be honest and admit that it's not their priority taking that friendship beyond the online spectrum instead of leading you on online and being flaky.

 

This flakiness you're talking about reminded me a situation I had years ago, but through online dating. I began talking to this guy I met on an online dating app who lived right across my street. He talked to me everyday and a lot. He never asked me out. I decided to take initiative and try to arrange a meeting. There would always come up something, either work, either being too tired or some other excuse. The thing is he'd keep on messaging and talking everyday but to him I was more like a chat buddy/pen pal than someone he'd actually make the effort of leaving home and have a coffee right across the street. I ended up deleting him because I wasn't looking to chat on an online dating app. I never knew the reason he'd never meet but kept talking but I suspect he either was in a relationship, or catfishing me, or dating others but keeping me in the backburner just in case, or simply busting his ego with me for whatever reason. Or maybe, he just didn't want to bother doing something more than online chatting.

 

Did you ever meet him by accident? Years ago I made a plan to meet a guy from a dating site, on a Sunday for lunch. The night before my friend and I were out in the city for dinner. I knew my person lived outside the city and was going to be spending the weekend with friends in the city. We lived in a huge city and we were at an upscale but chain restaurant at a random location (meaning nothing special, not near anything) and .... I spotted him! He was having dinner with friends. I decided not to approach him then though -I did tell him about it the next day. In another situation, my friend was stood up by a first meet. She believed he'd come and decided she wasn't attractive enough (which made no sense to me -she was so pretty!!). Anyway we were out at a popular dessert place when he walks in, and my friend whispers to me that it's him (the situation had happened weeks earlier). So we stare at him, he sees her and he tries to talk to our friend -we block him, sex and the city style -the group of "girls" supporting each other blockade style -and he slinks away pretty quickly. So if you ghost, etc you never know.

 

As I wrote ghosting doesn't have to mean anything negative. And come to think of it I also know of a tinder marriage and she hadn't dated online to meet her first husband.

Link to comment
I know people who married their tinder dates. Actually one of my best friends married a man she met on tinder and who was the first online dating experience she ever had. It's rare but it happens. But there's also lots of messed up people like that.

 

I don't think that everyone that disappears after a couple dates is a bad person, using people for ego boost or in a committed relationship but cheating through online dating, though of course it happens, like the woman in this article and many others. I think sometimes people simply lose interest, there wasn't all that chemistry on their side (despite the ghosted person often feeling the date was great and full of chemistry), or they got other things to do or they find someone else they're more interested in, as most people multidate through online dating and have access to lots of people. Sometimes the dates go well but then and due to so much "offer" online, people get the "grass is greener" syndrome and keep dating and dating hoping to find someone better.

 

As to your online friendships, I don't have much experience with that, but I think that many people are just flaky and though they like talking from the comfort of their keyboards, they don't feel like spending the time actually meeting and doing something more. I think it'd be kinder for them to simply be honest and admit that it's not their priority taking that friendship beyond the online spectrum instead of leading you on online and being flaky.

 

This flakiness you're talking about reminded me a situation I had years ago, but through online dating. I began talking to this guy I met on an online dating app who lived right across my street. He talked to me everyday and a lot. He never asked me out. I decided to take initiative and try to arrange a meeting. There would always come up something, either work, either being too tired or some other excuse. The thing is he'd keep on messaging and talking everyday but to him I was more like a chat buddy/pen pal than someone he'd actually make the effort of leaving home and have a coffee right across the street. I ended up deleting him because I wasn't looking to chat on an online dating app. I never knew the reason he'd never meet but kept talking but I suspect he either was in a relationship, or catfishing me, or dating others but keeping me in the backburner just in case, or simply busting his ego with me for whatever reason. Or maybe, he just didn't want to bother doing something more than online chatting.

 

I agree with Annia Bat.

 

I also think it’s changed drastically over the years with the popularity of it.

 

I don’t think it’s all bad and I may try it again, but for now, meh.

Link to comment

I think the author and what she 'does' is irrelevant to the far greater message: "Ghosting isn't necessarily about you." ...So don't fear it, and don't internalize it.

 

People get wrapped up in their own lives, their own goals, their own fantasies, their own dis-ease. They might work some dating into that, but it's often extracurricular to their primary focus. This doesn't render 'meaningless' anyone who is unfortunate enough to encounter someone who isn't really even dating material. That's the whole point of dating--to find out!

 

Who is your best match? It's not necessarily the person you've, up until present, best hit it off with on some dates, although that's a nice thing. Dating has a way of screening OUT people who are not our match, and while some might consider it unfortunate that those are the majority, I trust the process because I'm only looking for ONE partner.

 

I find it helpful to 'quick meet' over coffee for less than a half hour before setting up 'real' dates. This screens out the majority of people who would otherwise waste my whole night had I committed to a full date. From there, I reinforce playful rules: neither can pressure the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if it's a no, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

A great date or two can feel fabulous, but it doesn't cement anybody into a 'relationship'. That's the stuff to take your time and build toward rather than assume about chemistry. As we've learned from the article, there are people who thrive on a chemistry spark alone--so it doesn't always mean that things will go any further.

 

EnjOy meeting people at face value. Consider each date a learning exercise in your ability to enjoy yourself in the moment without projections, as well as a learning device for resilience as a life skill. Those are the only ways I know how to 'enjoy' dating. If the right match ever crosses my path, I'll figure that out over t.i.m.e.--something not offered by the insincere.

 

Thank you, Sherry!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...