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Thread: Wondering why you were ghosted?

  1. #21
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    Thatís crazy! I canít wait till I donít have to date strangers I meet off the internet again!

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I know people who married their tinder dates. Actually one of my best friends married a man she met on tinder and who was the first online dating experience she ever had. It's rare but it happens. But there's also lots of messed up people like that.

    I don't think that everyone that disappears after a couple dates is a bad person, using people for ego boost or in a committed relationship but cheating through online dating, though of course it happens, like the woman in this article and many others. I think sometimes people simply lose interest, there wasn't all that chemistry on their side (despite the ghosted person often feeling the date was great and full of chemistry), or they got other things to do or they find someone else they're more interested in, as most people multidate through online dating and have access to lots of people. Sometimes the dates go well but then and due to so much "offer" online, people get the "grass is greener" syndrome and keep dating and dating hoping to find someone better.

    As to your online friendships, I don't have much experience with that, but I think that many people are just flaky and though they like talking from the comfort of their keyboards, they don't feel like spending the time actually meeting and doing something more. I think it'd be kinder for them to simply be honest and admit that it's not their priority taking that friendship beyond the online spectrum instead of leading you on online and being flaky.

    This flakiness you're talking about reminded me a situation I had years ago, but through online dating. I began talking to this guy I met on an online dating app who lived right across my street. He talked to me everyday and a lot. He never asked me out. I decided to take initiative and try to arrange a meeting. There would always come up something, either work, either being too tired or some other excuse. The thing is he'd keep on messaging and talking everyday but to him I was more like a chat buddy/pen pal than someone he'd actually make the effort of leaving home and have a coffee right across the street. I ended up deleting him because I wasn't looking to chat on an online dating app. I never knew the reason he'd never meet but kept talking but I suspect he either was in a relationship, or catfishing me, or dating others but keeping me in the backburner just in case, or simply busting his ego with me for whatever reason. Or maybe, he just didn't want to bother doing something more than online chatting.
    Did you ever meet him by accident? Years ago I made a plan to meet a guy from a dating site, on a Sunday for lunch. The night before my friend and I were out in the city for dinner. I knew my person lived outside the city and was going to be spending the weekend with friends in the city. We lived in a huge city and we were at an upscale but chain restaurant at a random location (meaning nothing special, not near anything) and .... I spotted him! He was having dinner with friends. I decided not to approach him then though -I did tell him about it the next day. In another situation, my friend was stood up by a first meet. She believed he'd come and decided she wasn't attractive enough (which made no sense to me -she was so pretty!!). Anyway we were out at a popular dessert place when he walks in, and my friend whispers to me that it's him (the situation had happened weeks earlier). So we stare at him, he sees her and he tries to talk to our friend -we block him, sex and the city style -the group of "girls" supporting each other blockade style -and he slinks away pretty quickly. So if you ghost, etc you never know.

    As I wrote ghosting doesn't have to mean anything negative. And come to think of it I also know of a tinder marriage and she hadn't dated online to meet her first husband.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I know people who married their tinder dates. Actually one of my best friends married a man she met on tinder and who was the first online dating experience she ever had. It's rare but it happens. But there's also lots of messed up people like that.

    I don't think that everyone that disappears after a couple dates is a bad person, using people for ego boost or in a committed relationship but cheating through online dating, though of course it happens, like the woman in this article and many others. I think sometimes people simply lose interest, there wasn't all that chemistry on their side (despite the ghosted person often feeling the date was great and full of chemistry), or they got other things to do or they find someone else they're more interested in, as most people multidate through online dating and have access to lots of people. Sometimes the dates go well but then and due to so much "offer" online, people get the "grass is greener" syndrome and keep dating and dating hoping to find someone better.

    As to your online friendships, I don't have much experience with that, but I think that many people are just flaky and though they like talking from the comfort of their keyboards, they don't feel like spending the time actually meeting and doing something more. I think it'd be kinder for them to simply be honest and admit that it's not their priority taking that friendship beyond the online spectrum instead of leading you on online and being flaky.

    This flakiness you're talking about reminded me a situation I had years ago, but through online dating. I began talking to this guy I met on an online dating app who lived right across my street. He talked to me everyday and a lot. He never asked me out. I decided to take initiative and try to arrange a meeting. There would always come up something, either work, either being too tired or some other excuse. The thing is he'd keep on messaging and talking everyday but to him I was more like a chat buddy/pen pal than someone he'd actually make the effort of leaving home and have a coffee right across the street. I ended up deleting him because I wasn't looking to chat on an online dating app. I never knew the reason he'd never meet but kept talking but I suspect he either was in a relationship, or catfishing me, or dating others but keeping me in the backburner just in case, or simply busting his ego with me for whatever reason. Or maybe, he just didn't want to bother doing something more than online chatting.
    I agree with Annia Bat.

    I also think itís changed drastically over the years with the popularity of it.

    I donít think itís all bad and I may try it again, but for now, meh.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I think the author and what she 'does' is irrelevant to the far greater message: "Ghosting isn't necessarily about you." ...So don't fear it, and don't internalize it.

    People get wrapped up in their own lives, their own goals, their own fantasies, their own dis-ease. They might work some dating into that, but it's often extracurricular to their primary focus. This doesn't render 'meaningless' anyone who is unfortunate enough to encounter someone who isn't really even dating material. That's the whole point of dating--to find out!

    Who is your best match? It's not necessarily the person you've, up until present, best hit it off with on some dates, although that's a nice thing. Dating has a way of screening OUT people who are not our match, and while some might consider it unfortunate that those are the majority, I trust the process because I'm only looking for ONE partner.

    I find it helpful to 'quick meet' over coffee for less than a half hour before setting up 'real' dates. This screens out the majority of people who would otherwise waste my whole night had I committed to a full date. From there, I reinforce playful rules: neither can pressure the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if it's a no, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

    A great date or two can feel fabulous, but it doesn't cement anybody into a 'relationship'. That's the stuff to take your time and build toward rather than assume about chemistry. As we've learned from the article, there are people who thrive on a chemistry spark alone--so it doesn't always mean that things will go any further.

    EnjOy meeting people at face value. Consider each date a learning exercise in your ability to enjoy yourself in the moment without projections, as well as a learning device for resilience as a life skill. Those are the only ways I know how to 'enjoy' dating. If the right match ever crosses my path, I'll figure that out over t.i.m.e.--something not offered by the insincere.

    Thank you, Sherry!

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    "Ghosting isn't necessarily about you." ...So don't fear it, and don't internalize it.
    Yes! Precisely!

    Thank you for posting catfeeder. Excellent way of explaining what the underlying message was of me posting this article was all about.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yes! Precisely!

    Thank you for posting catfeeder. Excellent way of explaining what the underlying message was of me posting this article was all about.
    Sometimes it's sensational stuff that can drive a bigger message, but all too often we get hung up on splitting hairs over the particulars that miss the point. I think you've raised a nice challenge to that, Sherry.

    Thanks again.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I also didn't want anyone who had a few great dates, and then were ghosted or dropped, to feel as though it was their fault. It can feel bad to not hear from someone again.
    It can make you feel rejected and like you did something wrong. But I hope this article shows you that it might not have been you at all.

    Dating in this day and age can be really tough. There are so many variables as to why finding someone is so difficult and even more so, to have it work out.
    It's not impossible, but at the same time I think all of us have hit rough patches and felt like giving up.

    Not everyone is like the woman in this article. It won't always end badly. But it's always good to be aware.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Did you ever meet him by accident? Years ago I made a plan to meet a guy from a dating site, on a Sunday for lunch. The night before my friend and I were out in the city for dinner. I knew my person lived outside the city and was going to be spending the weekend with friends in the city. We lived in a huge city and we were at an upscale but chain restaurant at a random location (meaning nothing special, not near anything) and .... I spotted him! He was having dinner with friends. I decided not to approach him then though -I did tell him about it the next day. In another situation, my friend was stood up by a first meet. She believed he'd come and decided she wasn't attractive enough (which made no sense to me -she was so pretty!!). Anyway we were out at a popular dessert place when he walks in, and my friend whispers to me that it's him (the situation had happened weeks earlier). So we stare at him, he sees her and he tries to talk to our friend -we block him, sex and the city style -the group of "girls" supporting each other blockade style -and he slinks away pretty quickly. So if you ghost, etc you never know.

    As I wrote ghosting doesn't have to mean anything negative. And come to think of it I also know of a tinder marriage and she hadn't dated online to meet her first husband.
    Haha that must have been awkward. I also liked imagining the group of friends "protecting" your friend sex and the city style. I'm sure ghosting happened a lot back in the day since people didn't usually have cellphones and so it was much easier to disappear from the face of the earth. Or maybe sometimes if there was a misunderstanding or someone was late, it could make it so that people ended up not meeting because of this lack of cellphone, I don't know.

    I never met this guy that never wanted to meet but I once encountered another guy who lived near my street too. I had met him once through online dating. We had a great date. The next weeks he'd be talking to me everyday, he complimented, said he loved meeting me and couldn't wait to see me again and blah blah blah. We had arranged to meet several times but he'd back out every time last minute with whatever excuse he could find. It came to a point that it was obvious he was avoiding meeting me, yet he'd message me everyday (he initiated) and talked to me all day. I got fed up and told him that I wasn't looking for a message buddy and that if he didn't want to meet I'd rather we go separate ways. He then came up with the excuse that I was just so perfect (lol) and he was afraid of getting hurt by falling in love with me (lol). I then deleted and moved on. I think he probably was in a relationship because he talked to me all day yes, but always when he was at work. After work, silence. So one day I saw him walking his dog in my street. I didn't say anything and I think he saw me but didn't say anything either lol

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Haha that must have been awkward. I also liked imagining the group of friends "protecting" your friend sex and the city style. I'm sure ghosting happened a lot back in the day since people didn't usually have cellphones and so it was much easier to disappear from the face of the earth. Or maybe sometimes if there was a misunderstanding or someone was late, it could make it so that people ended up not meeting because of this lack of cellphone, I don't know.

    I never met this guy that never wanted to meet but I once encountered another guy who lived near my street too. I had met him once through online dating. We had a great date. The next weeks he'd be talking to me everyday, he complimented, said he loved meeting me and couldn't wait to see me again and blah blah blah. We had arranged to meet several times but he'd back out every time last minute with whatever excuse he could find. It came to a point that it was obvious he was avoiding meeting me, yet he'd message me everyday (he initiated) and talked to me all day. I got fed up and told him that I wasn't looking for a message buddy and that if he didn't want to meet I'd rather we go separate ways. He then came up with the excuse that I was just so perfect (lol) and he was afraid of getting hurt by falling in love with me (lol). I then deleted and moved on. I think he probably was in a relationship because he talked to me all day yes, but always when he was at work. After work, silence. So one day I saw him walking his dog in my street. I didn't say anything and I think he saw me but didn't say anything either lol
    LOL - maybe you should have asked his dog if he wanted to meet for coffee and a walk!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Annia, that guy sounds like a total player! Grrrr, I don't like people like that.

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