Growing up cold and emotionless because of rough childhood.

Hey guys. Growing up through my teenage years, I came to the conclusion that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, no family, no friends, no significant others. I quickly became contempt with that as my life has always been like that. But the past few weeks has been rough for me because I came to the realization that I don't want to be alone. I want to have friends to hang with, a girl to love, and maybe even my own kids to care for. But that is extremely difficult for me to accomplish because of how I am as a person.

Where it all began

I'm Chinese, my parents fled China during it's darkest hours and came to America to find better opportunities, but like most immigrant, things didn't go too well for several decades. I was an accident and because of that, I'm significantly younger then my 2 siblings who were 10+ years older than me. Before I was even able to walk, my parents send me to China. They wanted at least one of their child to be raised in the traditional "Chinese" way unlike my 2 siblings who were born and raised in America. In China, I was raised by my uncle/aunt and at a certain point, even by one of the teacher at the boarding school. They were all extremely strict, even when I did what they asked and do well in school. The only thing I was allow to do in my leisure time was read books or study and if I didn't I would get hit. I eventually got fed up with it and ran away. It probably only took the police about 5-6 hours to find me, a 6 year old boy crying on the side of the streets.

After my stunt, my parents send me back to America to "live" with them in a ghetto neighborhood with broken down homes. They owned a Chinese Restaurant and worked 12 hours a day. They were no where as strict as my uncle or the teacher but they still punished me accordingly. I would rarely see them as they're always working but in the little time I do the only conversations I ever had with them was always either about becoming a doctor, lawyer, or a business like Bill Gates or Steve Job. Since that was the only things we talk about and that I spoke English to my siblings. I almost forgot how to speak Chinese completely but I can perfectly rephrase those specific line. My sister was already in college and my brother followed soon after, so I end up being home alone most of the time. At school I was bullied for being the only Asian there. I was also a chatty kid and many people, including adults were annoyed by it. I was disliked by everyone, even when I was in China. I would get called annoying by my cousins or just be ignored by my own siblings from time to time while hated by my classmates. As I grew older and more self conscious, I finally went silent, almost mute even when I have much to say. That is something that carries on in me even to today.

My family never celebrated holidays, never really celebrated birthdays. Everything I had was a hand me down from my brother and I rarely ever get the toys or games I wanted. I never witness any sort of affection, only anger and violence. Many nights I would be woken up by the screaming of my parents fighting. I never seen them love or even laugh together once in my life. My heart would start pumping fast and I would get scare. Eventually the fighting would stop and I fell back asleep. Then at school, I would get bullied and often get into fight. Thanks to the beating I often get when I was younger and the many fights I get into. I became battle-hardened, never lost a fight past 3rd grade but despite that, I was still challenged and was even threaten with a knife by other kids who couldn't beat me.

The only thing I looked forward to everyday was playing at that park after school. I made many friends there where we would meet up daily to play baseball. All of that changed when one of them hit high school and made new friends. Friends that were not so different then my classmates I had. He eventually started taking my baseball equipment, stealing my scooter, and chasing me out of the park everyday with his new friends. Even one time, they let loose a giant aggressive pitpull on me and had it not been the pitpull's fear of cars when I ran across the street, the dog probably would've caught me and mauled me down. Since then, I never returned to the park. I finally resorted to staying home and playing video games because I had no friends and no where to go. There was the friday night WWE smackdown I always watch with my dad and I loved it, but even that came to an end with my dad always missing it and my brother keep telling me it's fake.

Even though video games were my only form of entertainment, my brother would beat me for touching his console/PC. I wasn't allow to play it at all and growing up all the way until high school, there was always someone there to limit me.

Where my life turned around

I was in 6th grade and I already became quiet and emotionless. I felt no sympathy for others, no gratefulness when given things, all around I showed 0 emotions. I even completely rid myself of any bonds I had with the few true friends I've had since I was in this country and felt nothing. I became socially awkward and didn't know how to socialize, I don't show any emotions in front of my family and I'm honestly embarrassed to do so even to today. Despite that, I was still kind at heart. I was still very nice to others because secretly, I still seek their companionship and approval because I was tired of being hated. Around this time, my family's financial status turned around and we moved into an enormous house in a very wealthy neighborhood. I was still on the defense, expecting to be bullied and get into a lot of fight at school. So I entered it with my guards up on the first day of school and to my surprise. There were many other Asians there and many of the other students came up to me and introduced themselves politely and it wasn't long until I was surrounded by kind and friendly people who I was able to call friends. Unfortunately my childhood scar stuck on me and even when I was surrounded by friends, I was known as the quiet one or the one who shows no emotion up until High School where I finally let old self go. I was still self conscious and was very careful with the things I say, as a result. I actually became someone that no can hate as I never take any risk or say anything controversial and always agree with everyone.

This had to be the happiest moments in my life, I had many friends, different people to hang out with every day, and even had separate friend circle to play online games with. My sister eventually moved back in. Unfortunately I did poor in school as I always had and you guys can probably figure out why by now. She begin putting rules and curfew on me, yet again in my life. I was limited from playing games and even not allowed to hang out with friends. I hated her and even to this day I have some resentment against her for it. But that alone didn't stop me from enjoying the companions I had. I even got myself a girlfriend who unfortunately lost interest because of my lack of affection that I never learned from anyone besides love stories on television/movies which are terrible examples.

To current day

There were couple of low points in my new life but none of it compared to my experience in the hood/china so I wasn't too faze by it. I have gain a lot of social experience and became somewhat of a great talker. I was still anti-social and introverted at this point so my friends from here on out were either from high school or through mutual relationship. Going into college, the first two years were quite crazy and I have many interesting stories to tell. But things quickly died out as my friends start getting jobs, or finding new friend circles or just flat out, changed. Overtime, my friend count fades without new friends to replace them as everyone, including myself is becoming busier and busier as the real world is just right around the corner.

Fast forward to current day, I failed another relationship with a girl I really thought was the one despite me having a realistic outlook on everything. It was a long distance relationship and I was a 22 year old introverted and ugly virgin who never even kiss, but somehow land myself with a instagram model that was so out of my league, that a cashier would put a divider between our grocery if we shopped today. The girl and I had very private moments despite our distance and I knew she was going to be my first. One thing that hit me hard was when my best friend asked if I was excited to meet her. And I never thought about it, but the answer was. "no" I wasn't excited even though I loved her, and I would 100% be able to lose my virginity to a super hot girl which any guy would be excited. But I wasn't. Because I knew somewhere and somehow, I would mess things up and I did. She reached a low point in her life and I didn't know how to emotionally support her. We grew distant (pun intended) and frequently gets into fight and eventually one day, she stopped responding. I loved her, but even our break up didn't make me cry. I was hurt on the inside and missed her but on the outside, I still showed 0 emotions.

I realize I was going to be a hopeless romantic at that point and my friend count as reached an all record low of just 3. I was still optimistic for awhile but eventually my friend count came down to just 1 as one of them moved far away for work and the other one changed and found a new friend circle. Unironically, the last friend remaining was my best friend since I moved to this new neighborhood but I rarely even see him. Not only is he busy with school and work, he has a girlfriend himself and would spend the little leisure time he has with her. Understandable, since they're lovers. Despite that, the thought of loneliness didn't bothered me yet. I started working part time at my sister's company and I met a new girl who I'm interested in after we find out we have similar hobbies, we started talking frequently, she initiated conversations all the time and buys me random snacks and always seem interested in what I got to say, so I believed she was interested. Or so I thought. Texting her outside of work has been nothing but dead ends, she respond thoroughly to my questions but never ask her own and always the one to end it. I would like to get to know her more but my old self has recently started crawling itself back into me. My emotions are disappearing again, my social skills are gone out the window, I've become too afraid to start any conversations at work because I feel like I'm just bothering her. It's almost as if I reverted back to the young emotionless me and everything I've build up through the best parts of my life is gone. I put a pause on trying to get anywhere with the girl I like, and suddenly, the thoughts of being alone scares me. Knowing this time, I won't be as lucky as I was with the people around me. This time, I really won't make any friends with my introverted personality and I'll never be able to find a love one if I can't even talk to a girl I really like now. I can't even hold a conversation with my own doctor who I've known for months.

Going to social events or parties doesn't help as I can be replaced by a stick and no one would notice. I can't find any new friends through my current ones as the only one I have left is simply too busy and it won't be long until he'll probably be gone too. I'm just really not sure what to do at this point and every day I started to struggle with it. It gives me a heartache thinking about being alone forever and I just lose more hope each time, making me even colder and more emotionless. I don't know how to show emotions to befriend people or show affections to a love one to keep them. I always hear the girl I like and her best friend who also works there making plans with new people and of course they'll never think to invite me, the quiet and emotionless one who can spends a whole day sitting there without saying a word and no matter how badly I try to talk to them, my childhood trauma kicked in and I just feel that I'm just going to bother them.

I am sorry for everything you have gone through, and am glad you want to make change.

What are your interests?

I am sorry for everything you have gone through, and am glad you want to make change.

 

What are your interests?

Not much, I even lost interest in playing video games. Barely touched it for few months. I started heading to the gym consistently for the past month but that didn't change much for myself, I am doing game development so I guess that's about the only thing I'm currently interested in besides working out.

Not video games, I am talking about interests where you can interact with others. in real life

I suggest you look into Meets ups, or anything else where you will be in a group environment. Try new things. I met a lot of people through volunteering. You need to make me of an effort.

Have you seen a therapist regarding your depression?

Reading about your background has been interesting. Unfortunately, we are sometimes dealt terrible cards. Skilled card players use that to their advantage and manage to turn things around. You can, too! It's never too late!

In addition to what Holly has suggested:

1. Your past doesn't define you.

2. Do you exercise? Pursuing physical activity brings joy and getting into shape is a huge confidence booster. You can hit the gym, go to a park, sign up for some class, etc. The options are endless.

3. A 'glass half full' attitude is more attractive than a 'glass half empty' one.

4. Heaps of motivational stuff is available that anyone can benefit from. I recommend that you listen to Tom Bilyeu as he's brilliantly motivational. He's done an interview with David Goggins which beautifully and swiftly kicks you into gear.

I hope the above helps.

Hey a lot of us had struggles, and bad experiences with abuse growing up, just don't let it define you, or let it control your life. You want to make life better? Bring good positive people into your life. Having a nice group of friends and acquaintances is what enhances our lives. Join a club, a church, network with coworkers.