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Thread: Should I contact him?

  1. #1

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    Should I contact him?

    Hello everyone,

    My ex-boyfriend and I broke up almost 3 months ago; we've been no-contact for 2.5 months of that time. These forums have been very helpful, and I would greatly appreciate advice on whether I should reach out to him!

    Our relationship lasted two years; the last three months before we broke up were long-distance, since he graduated from college before me and moved to the opposite coast. We were very stressed at the end of our relationship as I was considering where to take a job after graduation. Despite his initial encouragement to move to his coast, he was becoming (justifiably) increasingly worried about me making any big life decisions based on him, since we are young. This, combined with some inconsistencies in our religious values, led him to suggest a "break." He kept saying that he was "lost" and "didn't know what he wanted." I told him that I didn't want to take a break, since we were already long distance, and asked him to decide whether he wanted to break or break up. He couldn't decide (blowing me off and going to hang with his friends instead), and I was worried about the value differences, so I broke it off with him. If he couldn't decide that he wanted to be with me, I wasn't going to wait around for an indefinite "break." We had a few intense conversations following the breakup; he called me crying two days after saying he wished we were still together, then got mad at me and blew me off two days later when I asked him to make up his mind. After this, I cut him off and told him that I didn't want to talk to him and didn't want to stay friends. I told him not to contact me, and that I didn't ever want to speak to him. He was very upset; our last conversation was horrible. I was deeply hurt, however, and didn't want to be a backup plan for him.

    Since then, we haven't spoken. A few days after we stopped talking, I got my dream job, which happens to be in his city. Several days after I instituted NC, he texted me asking where I'd decided to take a job. I told him I'd be moving to his city, but told him not to contact me so I could move forward. A few weeks later, he FaceTimed me, but I didn't pick up. Then a month ago, he tried to go to my friend behind my back to figure out if I would be around a certain weekend - he was thinking of visiting me to "talk things out" with me, but wanted my friend to keep it a secret and not tell me. I was upset that he would try to arrange something secretly, and told my friend to tell him I would be gone. I never reached out to him, though - I was still badly hurt by the way he'd treated me at the end, and felt like he was behaving in a very immature way.

    At the same time, however, I heard through the grapevine that he might be dating some other girl. I'm pretty confident this is a rebound, judging by its pace and speed after the relationship, the length of our relationship, and how much of a wreck he was at the end. However, it still hurts like mad.

    I'm so tempted to contact him. I am still interested in getting back together, and felt like the breakup was not my decision. I don't want to be on bad terms with him forever, and we both talked a lot about getting back together when I move to his city. Should I reach out? We will not be in the same place for a few more months, so it may not be useful. Should I ignore him totally and move on? Should I wait until I move to his city in the fall? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If he's got a girlfriend (whether or not she is a "rebound") means you should keep away from him and keep the good boundary you have in place as stated here:
    didn't want to be a backup plan for him.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If he's got a girlfriend (whether or not she is a "rebound") means you should keep away from him and keep the good boundary you have in place as stated here:
    I agree.

    Originally Posted by 1612
    I heard through the grapevine that he might be dating some other girl.
    3rd or 4th hand information is often wrong, or not entirely true.

    So what if he doesn't? He probably thinks he was dumped by the OP and if he reads the internet should be doing NC and working to improve himself; so if the OP is still interested, she should do the contacting at the right time.

    @1612 -

    The only way to know for sure is to communicate with him, and it should be the first question you ask. If he is, end of conversation, no to friendship etc. Obviously if that happens you are going to be hurt again and you have to be prepared for that.

    We will not be in the same place for a few more months
    As he already knows this, I would suggest you delay communicating with him until then, and also until you are settled in, have made some new friends, etc. So maybe a few more months after that. Or to put that another way, don't contact him now and end up talking about moving in together as soon as you get there or anything like that. Build your own life there first in case it doesn't work out with him.

    If you are meant to be together you'll get there.

    Good luck with the move and the new job.

    Edit to add: If he is in a rebound that'll give it time to run its course and he might be in a more reflective mood and regretting his input into your break-up.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What are the "religious and value differences"? It sounds like the distance, the incompatibilities and real life outside of college just caused things to fizzle. He may have found a local girl back home who is more compatible and not a college romance...or he's known her from before or during college.

    Do not take a job in his city. Don't play games. Chasing him won't change him. Move forward with your life. Find a local job and local compatible men to date.
    Originally Posted by 1612
    he graduated from college before me and moved to the opposite coast.

    I told him I'd be moving to his city, but told him not to contact me so I could move forward. A few weeks later, he FaceTimed me, but I didn't pick up. I heard through the grapevine that he might be dating some other girl.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. What are the "religious and value differences"? It sounds like the distance, the incompatibilities and real life outside of college just caused things to fizzle. He may have found a local girl back home who is more compatible and not a college romance...or he's known her from before or during college.

    Do not take a job in his city. Don't play games. Chasing him won't change him. Move forward with your life. Find a local job and local compatible men to date.
    OP got her dream job there- So she is going. I think she can go and not chase, but also sheneeds to get settled into her own structure before contacting.

  7. #6
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    NO YOU SHOULD NOT CONTACT HIM!

    why on earth would anyone want there ex to come back and do what they did to them all over again????

  8. #7
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    She broke it off with him magicman - and it was one of those LDR situation things that make life bloody difficult.

    Usual rules may not apply, given that the long distance is soon to be removed. It's one of those grey area situations.

    And OP is not going there for him, she is going for her dream job.

    If she wants to contact him, and the timing is right, it could turn out well all round.

    Of course it could also turn to S*** and some more heartache, but sometimes you should be brave.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    I'd call him.


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