Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 33

Thread: Terrible 2ís???

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    35

    Terrible 2ís???

    Is there a terrible 2ís in dating also or something?

    My boyfriend and I have been together a little less than a year and we donít have major issues or anything. We are pretty much best friends and lovers. But I donít need know, recently we just havenít been getting along.
    Weíre both not cheaters or liars, we get along well...but lately we seem to both be on edge. He has a very stressful job, and I battle depression.

    I came from abusive and manipulative relationships in my past so Iím always on guard and worried something is going to happen. Iím a huge ďwhat ifĒ person. And our lack of communication lately just has me even more worried. Lately we canít seem to communicate about how either of us is feeling without it causing an argument or fight.

    Like last night I was just trying to explain to him that Iím worried about his things have been going lately. I worry if itís me, if heís no longer interested in me and if we still mutually want the same things weíve talked about for our future. And I donít know, his response didnít make that worry feeling any much better. I guess I expected reassurance instead of being lectured. But sometimes I need that reassurance. He tells me I need to look at the bigger picture. Meaning that everything heís done and is doing for our relationship and myself and my kids.
    I just donít know how to get rid that feeling of worry that heís just going to leave. That he is no longer happy in this relationship.
    Our communication hasnít been the best lately when it comes to our feelings and stuff and it really worries me. We both get defensive and think we are being accused of something.

    Any suggestions on how to communicate better?
    Has anyone else usually reached a rough patch in their relationship after a year?

    Thank you

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    18,633
    Are you getting therapy for your depression?

    Constantly needing reassurance is draining and toxic to a relationship. I strongly suggest you stop asking for reassurance or you are going to lose your bf.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,777
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Are you getting therapy for your depression?

    Constantly needing reassurance is draining and toxic to a relationship. I strongly suggest you stop asking for reassurance or you are going to lose your bf.
    Agree with Holly.

    I actually don't see this as a communication issue or "couples" issue.

    But rather, more an "individual" issue - yours.

    Your anxieties, your insecurities, due to your past relationships, are your issues to resolve. Either through introspection, self-reflection, self-education, and/or with the help of a qualified therapist.

    He's your bf not your therapist.

    For many men, needing reassurance whenever there is a slight deviation from the "norm" is incredibly draining and gets old.

    Your bf sounds annoyed and frustrated, so my advice is to take steps to resolve your issues and find alternative ways of managing your anxieties other than asking your bf to soothe for you.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-02-2019 at 04:23 PM.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    35
    Iím not getting therapy at the moment. I have looked for a few to see if theyíre taking patients but The ones that except my insurance werenít taking any new clients at the time. So Iím waiting on a referral from a therapist that I used to go to when I had Kaiser.
    I donít know if Iím being too hard on myself, and itís hard to except the fact that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me because Iíve always been used to having the blame put on me, and oh was feeling like I was doing something wrong and whatever effort I was putting in my relationships was never good enough. So I feel as if I always have to be apologizing and the things that I do, are always wrong. And I beat myself up over it so much.
    If something seems to be bothering me and I donít want to share whatís on my mind because Iím afraid itíll lead to an argument he gets upset. So when I cave and end up telling him I always feel like Iím the bad guy because I ended up saying something.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    35
    I agree. I have learned the hard way that I canít exactly tell him everything whenever he asks me to. There are some things that I feel or think or fear that he shouldnít be involved in that conversation. I see and I have noticed how much it frustrates him and how much you even worries him and stresses him out.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,777
    Responding to your post no. 4, you seem to be between a rock and hard place.

    If I read your post correctly, on one hand he encourages you to open up whenever something troubles you, but then when you do, he becomes annoyed? Is this correct?

    I think it's about finding a balance. Pick your battles.

    Try to not take things so personally, not everything going on in his life is about you. How he does or doesn't feel about you. Believing that is actually a form of self-centeredness.

    I used to be this way too, it was my step mom who pointed out how self-centered it was.

    When he seems stressed, more quiet than usual, due to work or whatever, support him! Try to not make it all about you.

    If I had to guess, this is why he got annoyed.

    He needs your support, not your anxiety and insecurity and need for reassurance.

    Again find a balance. You can do this on your own, you don't need a therapist necessarily.

    Just being self-aware is good, the first step towards resolution.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    35
    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    When he seems stressed, more quiet than usual, due to work or whatever, support him! Try to not make it all about you.
    I try being supportive. He will be exhausted so I suggest for him to relax and catch up on sleep, do his work laundry so he doesnít have to stress about doing it on his free time, run his errands, talk about his day and idk, idk how else to be supportive of his job and when heís feeling stressed

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,777
    Originally Posted by rflor
    I try being supportive. He will be exhausted so I suggest for him to relax and catch up on sleep, do his work laundry so he doesnít have to stress about doing it on his free time, run his errands, talk about his day and idk, idk how else to be supportive of his job and when heís feeling stressed
    That's fine. Leave it at that.

    Even doing nothing and leaving him alone would be better than what you did, according to your first post -- making it about you, questioning his feelings and seeking reassurance.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    35
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    That's fine. Leave it at that.

    Even doing nothing and leaving him alone would be better than what you did, according to your first post -- making it about you, questioning his feelings and seeking reassurance.
    Yes. I agree with you. I can imagine it can get very exhausting. Thank you for all of your advice. I truly appreciate it

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,375
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by rflor
    I try being supportive. He will be exhausted so I suggest for him to relax and catch up on sleep, do his work laundry so he doesnít have to stress about doing it on his free time, run his errands, talk about his day and idk, idk how else to be supportive of his job and when heís feeling stressed
    If he's exhausted, then stop suggesting stuff for him to DO. Instead, give him a nice hug, tell him you know he's tired, and if there's anything you can do to help, he can let you know. Then leave him alone.

    There's nothing more exhausting--and irritating--to an exhausted person than someone who requires something. So consider trying out a therapist who is in your plan--or seek out a friend or family member or clergy or a support group or pursue an interest or anything you would otherwise do for your own self soothing if you were single.

    Head high, and don't hover. Read my sig.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •