Terrible 2’s???

Is there a terrible 2’s in dating also or something?

My boyfriend and I have been together a little less than a year and we don’t have major issues or anything. We are pretty much best friends and lovers. But I don’t need know, recently we just haven’t been getting along.

We’re both not cheaters or liars, we get along well...but lately we seem to both be on edge. He has a very stressful job, and I battle depression.

I came from abusive and manipulative relationships in my past so I’m always on guard and worried something is going to happen. I’m a huge “what if” person. And our lack of communication lately just has me even more worried. Lately we can’t seem to communicate about how either of us is feeling without it causing an argument or fight.

Like last night I was just trying to explain to him that I’m worried about his things have been going lately. I worry if it’s me, if he’s no longer interested in me and if we still mutually want the same things we’ve talked about for our future. And I don’t know, his response didn’t make that worry feeling any much better. I guess I expected reassurance instead of being lectured. But sometimes I need that reassurance. He tells me I need to look at the bigger picture. Meaning that everything he’s done and is doing for our relationship and myself and my kids.

I just don’t know how to get rid that feeling of worry that he’s just going to leave. That he is no longer happy in this relationship.

Our communication hasn’t been the best lately when it comes to our feelings and stuff and it really worries me. We both get defensive and think we are being accused of something.

Any suggestions on how to communicate better?

Has anyone else usually reached a rough patch in their relationship after a year?

Thank you

Are you getting therapy for your depression?

Constantly needing reassurance is draining and toxic to a relationship. I strongly suggest you stop asking for reassurance or you are going to lose your bf.

Are you getting therapy for your depression?

 

Constantly needing reassurance is draining and toxic to a relationship. I strongly suggest you stop asking for reassurance or you are going to lose your bf.

Agree with Holly.

I actually don't see this as a communication issue or "couples" issue.

But rather, more an "individual" issue - yours.

Your anxieties, your insecurities, due to your past relationships, are your issues to resolve. Either through introspection, self-reflection, self-education, and/or with the help of a qualified therapist.

He's your bf not your therapist.

For many men, needing reassurance whenever there is a slight deviation from the "norm" is incredibly draining and gets old.

Your bf sounds annoyed and frustrated, so my advice is to take steps to resolve your issues and find alternative ways of managing your anxieties other than asking your bf to soothe for you.

I’m not getting therapy at the moment. I have looked for a few to see if they’re taking patients but The ones that except my insurance weren’t taking any new clients at the time. So I’m waiting on a referral from a therapist that I used to go to when I had Kaiser.

I don’t know if I’m being too hard on myself, and it’s hard to except the fact that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me because I’ve always been used to having the blame put on me, and oh was feeling like I was doing something wrong and whatever effort I was putting in my relationships was never good enough. So I feel as if I always have to be apologizing and the things that I do, are always wrong. And I beat myself up over it so much.

If something seems to be bothering me and I don’t want to share what’s on my mind because I’m afraid it’ll lead to an argument he gets upset. So when I cave and end up telling him I always feel like I’m the bad guy because I ended up saying something.

I agree. I have learned the hard way that I can’t exactly tell him everything whenever he asks me to. There are some things that I feel or think or fear that he shouldn’t be involved in that conversation. I see and I have noticed how much it frustrates him and how much you even worries him and stresses him out.

Responding to your post no. 4, you seem to be between a rock and hard place.

If I read your post correctly, on one hand he encourages you to open up whenever something troubles you, but then when you do, he becomes annoyed? Is this correct?

I think it's about finding a balance. Pick your battles.

Try to not take things so personally, not everything going on in his life is about you. How he does or doesn't feel about you. Believing that is actually a form of self-centeredness.

I used to be this way too, it was my step mom who pointed out how self-centered it was.

When he seems stressed, more quiet than usual, due to work or whatever, support him! Try to not make it all about you.

If I had to guess, this is why he got annoyed.

He needs your support, not your anxiety and insecurity and need for reassurance.

Again find a balance. You can do this on your own, you don't need a therapist necessarily.

Just being self-aware is good, the first step towards resolution.

 

When he seems stressed, more quiet than usual, due to work or whatever, support him! Try to not make it all about you.

I try being supportive. He will be exhausted so I suggest for him to relax and catch up on sleep, do his work laundry so he doesn’t have to stress about doing it on his free time, run his errands, talk about his day and idk, idk how else to be supportive of his job and when he’s feeling stressed

I try being supportive. He will be exhausted so I suggest for him to relax and catch up on sleep, do his work laundry so he doesn’t have to stress about doing it on his free time, run his errands, talk about his day and idk, idk how else to be supportive of his job and when he’s feeling stressed

That's fine. Leave it at that.

Even doing nothing and leaving him alone would be better than what you did, according to your first post -- making it about you, questioning his feelings and seeking reassurance.

That's fine. Leave it at that.

 

Even doing nothing and leaving him alone would be better than what you did, according to your first post -- making it about you, questioning his feelings and seeking reassurance.

Yes. I agree with you. I can imagine it can get very exhausting. Thank you for all of your advice. I truly appreciate it

I try being supportive. He will be exhausted so I suggest for him to relax and catch up on sleep, do his work laundry so he doesn’t have to stress about doing it on his free time, run his errands, talk about his day and idk, idk how else to be supportive of his job and when he’s feeling stressed

If he's exhausted, then stop suggesting stuff for him to DO. Instead, give him a nice hug, tell him you know he's tired, and if there's anything you can do to help, he can let you know. Then leave him alone.

There's nothing more exhausting--and irritating--to an exhausted person than someone who requires something. So consider trying out a therapist who is in your plan--or seek out a friend or family member or clergy or a support group or pursue an interest or anything you would otherwise do for your own self soothing if you were single.

Head high, and don't hover. Read my sig.

When you keep beating him up because of your past, your insecurities, your untreated depression, it will lead to arguments. You are creating self-fulfilling prophecies by doing this.

No one will ever do enough or be enough or be able to make you happy. You Cling. You complain. You accuse them of wanting to leave. You insist on constant and negative relationship talks. And surprise... they leave and you've proven once again to yourself that all men are abusive jerks and eventually leave you. Perpetuating your world of negativity.

Only appropriate treatment for your depression, anxiety, stress etc will help you get out of this self defeating cycle. You need to stop being an emotional vampire, grow up and start taking responsibility for your mental health, moods, feelings and life.

Like last night I was just trying to explain to him that I’m worried about his things have been going lately. I worry if it’s me, if he’s no longer interested in me and if we still mutually want the same things we’ve talked about for our future. I need that reassurance. He tells me I need to look at the bigger picture. Meaning that everything he’s done and is doing for our relationship and myself and my kids.

Thank you everyone for all your advice and input. I truly appreciate it.

I realize how it can be very suffocating when I’m trying to help him the way that I have been. Asking him to give me his laundry and errands etc etc...when sometimes leaving him alone is the best solution if he’s feeling overly stressed or tired. Less is more in this case sometimes.

I guess what I just found confusing at times is he will be tired and I’ll tell him okay babe I’ll let you get some rest, if you need anything let me know and call or text me whenever.

And his response at times will be “that’s it? So no support or motivation?”. But I’m trying to be supportive by letting him rest and not bothering him. So I let him rest and suggest What I can go do for him and it’s adding stress still...but I let him rest and don’t bother him and then I’m still not supportive??? 🤷🏻♀️

So I let him rest and suggest What I can go do for him and it’s adding stress still...but I let him rest and don’t bother him and then I’m still not supportive??? 🤷🏻♀️

It's not necessary to jump through hoops and mind-read to learn what someone wants. Just ask.

True.

And I know his work has been stressful lately. Andnit makes his patience very thin.

Like today...he wanted to go buy some shoes at the mall. He asked me to drive. So I picked him up and he asked me if I deposited his check for him. I said yes and he asked if they have me a hard time at all because on Friday they called him asking him to verify a purchase in case it was fraudulent.

I told him no they didn’t give me a hard time. They didn’t say anything to me but I don’t think they’re allowed to considering I’m not on the account.

And he just got super mad. He said why would I even agree to put the check in his account is there’s possible fraud on it. He said they wouldn’t let me deposit anything more than likely. And I said yeah maybe. Idk if they would let me or not. And he got really upset. Saying I know my response would bother him and stress him out and why couldn’t I just agree with him. I told him I don’t understand what I said wrong. But yeah he’s right that they might tell me the account is on hold or something.

So it just really threw me off. I apologized and said that I was just going off what they did to me when I had fraud on my account once. They wouldn’t talk to anyone other than me and still let my deposits go through. He mentioned i know that things like that will stress him out so why am I purposely trying to aggravate him and closing just agree with him.

I wasn’t trying to upset or stress him out. I was being realistic and saying that I do not know if they would let me still deposit or not.

You bf's response makes zero sense.

You bf's response makes zero sense.

Exactly lol

You will not win hearts or love or respect by being a mommy, servant, chauffeur, doormat, etc. It is nauseating, suffocating and the best way to attract abusers and assorted others who are happy to wipe their feet on you. Stop All of this nonsense. Let him run his own errands, do his own cleaning, etc. Pay attention to your kids, your own home, errands, job, friends and family. Get a life and stop making him the center of your universe. That is being an emotional vampire.

I picked him up

I deposited his check for him.

Asking him to give me his laundry and errands etc etc.

I’ll tell him okay babe I’ll let you get some rest, if you need anything let me know and call or text me whenever.

You will not win hearts or love or respect by being a mommy, servant, chauffeur, doormat, etc. It is nauseating, suffocating and the best way to attract abusers and assorted others who are happy to wipe their feet on you. Stop All of this nonsense. Let him run his own errands, do his own cleaning, etc. Pay attention to your kids, your own home, errands, job, friends and family. Get a life and stop making him the center of your universe. That is being an emotional vampire.

I agree. Stop doing this stuff. It's his responsibility. Why in the world are you doing these things?

I agree. Stop doing this stuff. It's his responsibility. Why in the world are you doing these things?

I would venture to guess that somewhere along the way, OP was taught if you do all these things, sacrifice yourself and your needs, focusing instead on your partner's needs, she will be rewarded with his love.

It typically has the opposite effect, per Wiseman's last post.

Sad really.

I would venture to guess that somewhere along the way, OP was taught if you do all these things, sacrifice yourself and your needs, focusing instead on your partner's needs, she will be rewarded with his love.

 

It typically has the opposite effect, per Wiseman's last post.

 

Sad really.

You're right.

It is very sad, as all it causes is disrespect. How did he survive before she came along,

You're right.

 

It is very sad, as all it causes is disrespect.

 

How did he survive before she came along,

 

Previous girlfriend(s)?

I highly doubt OP is the first girlfriend who behaved this way, and sadly I think women are still being taught this is how to gain, be rewarded with, a man's love.

Some men even encouage it! Users, opportunists.

This isn't the first thread I've read proving it's still happening, even in this day and age.

Previous girlfriend?

 

I highly doubt OP is the first girlfriend who behaved this way, and sadly I think women are still being taught this is how to gain, be rewarded with, a man's love.

 

Some men even encouage it!

 

 

This isn't the first thread I've read proving it's still happening, even in this day and age.

I hardly have enough time to do my own stuff, much less play assistant to someone else. I can't imagine a partner doing this for me, as I would have zero respect for him. This is called being a doormat.

Yeah I think Wiseman summed it up perfectly.

A bit harsh but true.

It seems you are both looking for support from each other and yet, each of you feel overdrawn with nothing to offer the other.

Next time he gets frustrated, I would recommend a few days apart to regroup and refresh. You take care of you and vice versa.

Make some time for friends, other interests. Give each other the gift of missing each other and hopefully return with a better appreciation.

OP, Do you have a life outside of this guy: friends, social life , hobbies?