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Thread: a few issues, long..but please read!

  1. #1

    a few issues, long..but please read!

    I'd like to thank everyone in advance for helping me. I know none of you know me and I do appreciate the advice, a lot. This is long and there's a lot of context because I really want you guys to understand the situation entirely. Thank you again for the advice, positive or negative.

    Today i'm feeling really hurt. The situation is my girlfriend(we've been together close to 4 years for some context) was invited to an engagement party from a friend. The issue is they requested that I was not to come. Yesterday she was telling me how she thought that was really uncool and one of the other managers thought the same. She mentioned to me that we could go do our own thing instead tonight, that she doesn't want to get all dressed up and not be there without me. That made me feel really special and really appreciated. So today while she was at work she called me saying she thinks shes going to go. I suppose they made her vegan food(everyone else there is not vegan) so she felt she should go because they made that for her. However, for me it didn't change the fact that she already told me we'd do something together instead and it made me feel a lot less valued. I began to say "I thought you weren't going to g..." and cut myself off because I really don't want to be controlling. I know it's very important for each other to have friends and enjoy ourselves. The issue is I feel like she chose these friends over me, forgetting how I'd be feeling waiting for her to get home.

    Let me give you some context as to why these people and I don't get along. I chose the name NotPerfect because we all make mistakes. 3 years ago we began working at a restaurant. She worked the food line and I worked the dishes. At this restaurant is where we met this group of friends. She began to develop strong jealousy towards two of the pretty females there. I have a very kind and friendly personality and so anytime one of them would talk to me about anything id consequence in her feeling jealous but honestly the truth is I wasn't flirting with these woman at all, 99% of the time it was something like hey can you grab the dishes they're full up here or man that customer made me so angry. I was the dish guy so my coworkers came back to vent to me all the time. I was trying to make friends and nothing more but something as simple as laughing was taken as us flirting together. This only happened with these girls and no one else who worked there so it caused them to never want to reach out as a friend to me, why would they? It always caused tons of jealousy from nothing. Well we were hanging out with them and other people from the restaurant out of work all the time so it was mildly uncomfortable for me, i always had to avoid talking to those girls or looking in their direction too long and it was pretty apparent that no one was reaching out to be me friend cause itd likely cause problems. I started to become a lot more quiet and sheltered so i always felt i was just hanging out and never really building any friendships. Well after some time she was offered a promotion and I was requested to transfer to a different store. This was great though, I really needed the space and it helped so much. After some time she even admitted she was really out of line and has thus worked on her jealousy a lot and has made tons of improvement.

    Around this time is when i was diagnosed with a pretty bad virus in my esophagus that i got from doing dishes there, lifelong virus its not going away. So things didn't work out at the other store and I ended up transferring to a different one and eventually decided I needed some time off work as I was getting sick from the virus constantly, losing weight, and my mental was getting weak, i needed a break to focus on this sickness. This wasn't taken very well by my girlfriend and my family and it hurt me a lot that they didn't realize how much this virus was affecting me, the focus was only about getting to school eventually, getting a career, or how will i pay bills when money runs out. So i became very depressed and anxious feeling i needed to do more when i could feel i really needed to slow down and not push myself and focus on this for a while. My girlfriend began to seem annoyed by me and more distant. Our sex life has diminished drastically and with me not feeling as alive as i used to my self esteem has dropped significantly as well. About a year has past..I had money saved and I've been able to do odd jobs to keep bills paid without any issues and I've made a ton of progress in accepting this virus and understanding it and I've gained weight too. My family and my girlfriend seem to be a lot more understanding and things are turning around a bit, at least when it comes to understanding that I really needed the time to focus on healing.

    So the main issue I've had is my girlfriends libido just isn't there. I've genuinely tried so many forms of communication, yes ive definitely been way too pressing at time and ive also been way too lenient at times too. I've read countless articles and watched hours of videos trying to understand how I can make her crave me again. Of course it hurts not having extra money to bring her out or buy expensive gifts but I have tried to do other romantic things that don't require money. I've tried to bring up activities like biking or basketball or the gym, things that we could do together that we used to do all the time the first two years of us dating. I know she has some bitterness towards all this but I don't believe its enough to take sex out of our relationship. She tends to be very grumpy in the mornings and when i talk to her about things I'm interested in that shes not quite into, she kinda doesn't listen or sometimes doesn't respond at all. However, i always hear her out when she complains about work every night...though i wish she'd be able to spend more focus on more positive things every night other than getting out her frustrations to me i think its unhealthy(?). I always listen and try to give responses that help her feel understood and relieved but i don't feel i get the same in return when i really need some quality from her. This has been going on for closer to a year.

    I've tried venting to a few people about my concerns in the relationship and at times i was really angry and feeling hateful. This is where I make my mistake. So I was hanging with one of the guys in this friend group from the restaurant and I was ranting about how I can't take this sexual frustration anymore and how i wish my partner wanted to do things like exercise or romantic things. I wasn't feeling very attracted to her and my interests were shifting to literally anyone else, i was seriously lonely. I mentioned how one of those girls from back at the restaurant was doing really good lately, shes going to the gym and jogging and not wearing make up and i told him thats really attractive, ive always been alittle attracted to her or what i was trying to say is attracted to the fact she really wants to take care of herself. Let me make it clear that I never once said I want to pursue this other girl or even insinuated it. Well a month later we go to a Halloween party and i voted for that same girl in the costume contest. I actually thought she had the best costume and i wasn't just trying to "vote for this cute girl" or something sly. Well after this night that one guy ended up telling this friend group what I had said to him the month before. Me voting for this girl made me out to be pursuing this girl i guess. They all talk with my girlfriend and my girlfriend then wanted me to move out and is hurt and feels betrayed. This guy I told is known for causing drama and having a big mouth so it was my mistake in the first place for venting to him. it was actually the ONLY time i ever had vented to him...well my girlfriend and i talked through it and have been making slight progress here and there but none of these people from this group have tried to talk to me in any way about what had happened and they've said before they dont want her to be with me so its pretty clear they don't still dont. This was a couple months ago. Shes gotten a bit kinder at times but our sex life is still awful and of course the situation with the engagement party she just attended.

    I don't want to be bitter and I want things to be as best as possible. Help :|

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry this is happening. She sounds too high maintenance right now. It would be best to pull back, regroup and focus on your health, finances, career, friends family and interests. Reflect on what you want out of life and what you want in a gf. See how things are measuring up.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    It doesn’t sound like she’s 100% in it. If I was her, I would not be going to that engagement party, I know that bf/gf’s are not the only thing you should have in life and that friends should come first but that is only in certain circumstances. If she is trying to work on things with you, then asking that group of friends to let it go should be one of those things. Usually someone who is completely inlove with someone would defend their other half, back them up. It’s not going to get any better if she hangs with a group of people who do not approve of you, it will only influence her behaviour. is there anything else that could be making her wake up unhappy/in a mood?
    I would definitely try and have a serious 1 to 1 conversation about everything.

  4. #4
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    There are a lot of little things going on here.

    First, it's a tough decision about going to the engagement party. She was set to go with you but it put her in a tough place when she found out that they had food especially for her vegan diet. Again, tough choice, but I can understand where she's coming from. But them telling her not to bring you is immature and petty. Unless there's more to the story that we don't know about.

    Second, I see and appreciate that you're trying to do romantic things for her. Here's the thing though, some women (myself included) can't get intimate if they're hurt or angry at their guy. And though on the surface everything is fine, there are other issues. Those girls talking to you that she perceived as flirting. Was it too much on her end? Maybe, but how do you explain you telling that mutual "friend" about how one of the girls takes care of herself and right after your GF doesn't exercise? I know you've stated you've acknowledged your mistake but I am telling you this for a different reason. In her head, these things don't add up very well. To be fair it doesn't seem to me like you're lusting after this other girl, but look at it this way.

    1. she saw you two talking a lot at work
    2. you talked about how great this girl looked in conjunction with talking about how you wished your GF would exercise
    3. giving her yet more attention by voting for her in the costume contest.

    I'll be the first to admit these clues don't add up to a scarlet letter, but to your GF, it's making her feel like you're making a fool of her, like you're not being completely honest. Hey, I don't make the rules, just telling you how I'd feel if I were younger and were going through this. "Hey honey I'm not attracted to her." (then hears from someone that you talked about how you've always been attracted to the other girl.) You see the problem here? The thing is though you're trying to be romantic with her, this dishonesty in her eyes is a big obstacle. She can't embrace you -figuratively and literally- until she sorts out these issues in her head.

    You're blaming this other dude for causing drama, but you're the one who said what you said in the first place. You absolutely have to take responsibility for this if she is going to trust you.

    Look it's perfectly fine to think other people are attractive. We all do and it's normal. And for what it's worth I think she went overboard in the beginning with the "i think you're flirting" thing because I dont' think you were. But instead of trying to pacify her by protesting over and over, honesty is always better. "She is pretty, but there are a lot of handsome and pretty people everywhere, and I love you because you are special to me, also smart and..etc etc" I don't know how to really explain this, let's just say I'm your GF and we both know you find someone pretty. You keep saying you don't. Then I find out through someone else that you spoke about how pretty she was to a point where it was sex-related (because you just talked about how you're not attracted to me anymore so the context has implications). That makes me feel like, I know he isn't cheating but he was dishonest with me. How can I feel like I can trust him? How can I sleep with him? We don't have what I thought we had.

    Does that make sense? I don't think you're a horrible person or anything, but I think there's some misunderstandings and things that could have been said better and differently by both parties. It's true that if she was more mature you wouldn't be going through all this, but these are her feelings, good bad or ugly. Those are my thoughts from what I believe is her point of view. Good luck



  6. #5
    Edit: mistake post.
    Last edited by NotPerfect; 03-03-2019 at 07:32 AM.

  7. #6
    @wiseman2 good idea, thank you
    @BanksC she tends to complain about work at the restaurant alot, saying she's always doing too much but is happy working with the people there, I think a change of job wouldn't hurt. I'm definitely going to try having another serious conversation with her but I'll try to catch her on her day off where she'll be less stressed.
    @LC8328 thank you! I really appreciate that perspective. I'll try to address any past issues and see if I can't bring up some unresolved hurt from those times. It makes sense and I definitely need to work on that.

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