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My boyfriend has been lying to me about smoking


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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and one of the first things I expressed is how much I don't like cigarettes or smoking.

We have had a great and very happy relationship. I have taken him on all kinds of trips and he has helped me face some fear and try new things. We live together, he was with me through a very important death in my family and no matter how much I have changed from that he has loved me all the same.

So it was a surprise to me that when I was digging around a box full of art supplies to find something that I found a box of cigarettes.

Surprisingly I don't feel angry, just extremely hurt. Now I am faced with what to do. Obviously I will have to confront him for my own sanity but what do I do if he has been hiding this for awhile? How am I supposed to trust him? What else is he lying about?

We are going on 2 years of living together and we just moved 2 days ago into this new apartment. I don't want to end things but trust is very important to me and right now I feel like I sweeping up my broken trust and throwing it in the trash.

It's almost not really about smoking to me, it's more of the lying.

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When you first first met did you know he smoked? That he liked smoking? Was there ever a conversation about how you could NEVER date a smoker? Did he ever quit "for" you at some point?

 

I get that this hurts, but I'd caution against the "sweeping up broken trust" narrative.

 

Maybe he enjoys the occasional smoke, knows you don't like smoking, so opted to keep it to himself. Assuming he's not choking down a pack a day—which you'd know by now, since the smell is about as hard to hide as a regular habit—I'm not sure this is the hill you want die on.

 

Guess I'm just saying—and this is just me—that I wouldn't see something as an occasional, unreported cigarette as a violation of trust.

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Maybe you should talk to him before you talk to us. No idea how old those cigarettes are. I mean if you've been living with each other for two years and he's somehow hidden his smoking and any scent of it, dude could probably make a million bucks teaching classes. That's pretty damn impressive. I'm more inclined to agree with bluecastle's assumption that, if anything, he enjoys the very occasional smoke. I don't smoke, and I kinda loathe the idea of having a partner who does, but if it were infrequent enough for me to not notice after two years living together, I'd probably shrug it off. But again, that's assuming that is indeed the case. Let him know you found the box and ask if it's a thing.

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Also agree with the others. I was a chain smoker for six years. It would not have been possible for me to hide it even if I tried as hard as I could. I doubt he even smokes one a week if you don't know. I know a few men that know their women detest smoking and have one when they are out with their friends having a few drinks once in a blue moon. Keep a level head if you feel the need to ask about it. He'll be much more inclined to be honest if you don't get angry and jump to conclusions.

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My mom smoked and omg you could smell it on her breath, her clothes, heck it oozed from her pores!

 

Even just one, you can't hide that, no mint, gum or mouthwash can hide that.

 

So the fact you had no clue he smoked for two years, wow, that's telling.

 

My guess is the cigs you found were old.

 

But yeah you could talk to him, not to accuse, only to ask.

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You surely would have smelled that he was smoking as soon as he walked in the door - the smell lingers in his clothes, his hair etc etc. No-one can mistake that and trying to disguise the smell with mints or anything else never works. Maybe it was an old box. Two years together .... you surely would have noticed the smell during that time.

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What everyone has said before is great advice.

 

But, I'd just like to say that unless you told him that this was a deal breaker and he promised to never do it again, you really have no right to order him how to live his life. If you're going to prohibit him from doing anything you don't like, even if it has nothing to do with you, what are you changing or sacrificing for him? How does this affect your relationship? He'll just not kiss you or be intimate with you if he smoked. Let him know this and he'll decide for himself.

 

You listed A LOT of great qualities he has and the one thing you seem to be so broken over is the box pf cigarettes that might, or might not be his. That might or might not be new. Maybe he bought them a while ago and just stashed them to hide them from himself when he was quitting, or it was his old stash? Maybe he has them for special events? I know female friends who only smoke when they're out with friends, but never alone.

 

Regardless, I'd like to say that if something this small is a deal breaker for you, you're in for a rough ride.

 

I hate smoking myself, hate the smell, hate the smoke that then lingers all around me too. My partners all knew I hated it, I just asked them not to smoke in my face or directly around me. What he does is his decision, unless he promises me to quit and this is a deal breaker. But I am not the type to force my own values on others, I also don't drink but I don't make my partners to stop because I don't like it.

 

 

I also think you are taking something so little a little bit hard. Has he ever given you a reason to distrust him? Has he ever broken an important promise? In 2 years you'd know if he'd been smoking, I agree with the others. That stuff is EVERYWHERE.

 

Maybe it is a box from a previous tenant, maybe one of his friends left it or something. Instead of doubting your whole relationship because of a single box of cigarettes you should maybe talk to him first?

 

I really think that you are exaggerating on a small issue.

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That's a bit of a stretch. You found some cigs in an art supply box, not his coat pocket. They could have been used for an art project.

 

I will occasionally (less than 5 times a year) have a smoke when out drinking. The next morning I wake up tasting like an ashtray, I can smell it on my skin, in my hair, on the sheets. If he is smoking it's highly unlikely you wouldn't smell it.

 

Also so what if he has a smoke every once in a while, unless you ask and he denies (because lying).

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  • 2 weeks later...

I get that you don't like smoking; I totally get that - in fact the smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel sick. I couldn't date a smoker because of the terrible smell etc etc.

 

If he were smoking around you, polluting the air and creating holes in the furniture with cigarette ends (and, to be honest, I think you'd have noticed if he was!) then you have the right not to tolerate it because it crosses your boundaries. However, this doesn't mean that you have the right to dictate what he does when it has no impact on you, and that's getting into the realms of unhealthy controlling behaviour on your part. In fact, the way you've jumped to a whole pile of conclusions just based on this one find is a lot more worrying than his supposed 'lying'. As others have mentioned, there are plenty of innocent explanations for the packet of fags - and it's none of your business in the first place.

 

If you can only save your sanity by feeling entitled to give him the third degree, then you really need to do some work around what constitutes a healthy, adult relationship and what constitutes coercive control. Your boyfriend is an adult who is entitled to make his own decisions - as you are, too - and you need to respect this.

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