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Thread: My boyfriend has been lying to me about smoking

  1. #11
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    I think you are jumping to conclusions.

    Has he ever come home smelling like smoke and blamed it on someone else?

    You are a non smoker and very sensitive to the smell, no way he hid that from you.


  2. #12
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    There is NO WAY someone can hide the smell of smoke for 2 years.
    - Bingo. The carbon from cigarettes stinks up everything. If he were an avid smoker, you would have known it long ago. Relax, it's not a problem.

  3. #13
    Member BreadStick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    What everyone has said before is great advice.

    But, I'd just like to say that unless you told him that this was a deal breaker and he promised to never do it again, you really have no right to order him how to live his life. If you're going to prohibit him from doing anything you don't like, even if it has nothing to do with you, what are you changing or sacrificing for him? How does this affect your relationship? He'll just not kiss you or be intimate with you if he smoked. Let him know this and he'll decide for himself.

    You listed A LOT of great qualities he has and the one thing you seem to be so broken over is the box pf cigarettes that might, or might not be his. That might or might not be new. Maybe he bought them a while ago and just stashed them to hide them from himself when he was quitting, or it was his old stash? Maybe he has them for special events? I know female friends who only smoke when they're out with friends, but never alone.

    Regardless, I'd like to say that if something this small is a deal breaker for you, you're in for a rough ride.

    I hate smoking myself, hate the smell, hate the smoke that then lingers all around me too. My partners all knew I hated it, I just asked them not to smoke in my face or directly around me. What he does is his decision, unless he promises me to quit and this is a deal breaker. But I am not the type to force my own values on others, I also don't drink but I don't make my partners to stop because I don't like it.

    I also think you are taking something so little a little bit hard. Has he ever given you a reason to distrust him? Has he ever broken an important promise? In 2 years you'd know if he'd been smoking, I agree with the others. That stuff is EVERYWHERE.

    Maybe it is a box from a previous tenant, maybe one of his friends left it or something. Instead of doubting your whole relationship because of a single box of cigarettes you should maybe talk to him first?

    I really think that you are exaggerating on a small issue.

  4. #14
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    That's a bit of a stretch. You found some cigs in an art supply box, not his coat pocket. They could have been used for an art project.

    I will occasionally (less than 5 times a year) have a smoke when out drinking. The next morning I wake up tasting like an ashtray, I can smell it on my skin, in my hair, on the sheets. If he is smoking it's highly unlikely you wouldn't smell it.

    Also so what if he has a smoke every once in a while, unless you ask and he denies (because lying).


  6. #15
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    You are jumping to conclusions. Someone may have given him those art supplies and he never knew those were ever in there.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Seriously? ... It's a pack of legal cigarettes, not heroin.

    What did this presumable adult say when you asked him about them?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    I get that you don't like smoking; I totally get that - in fact the smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel sick. I couldn't date a smoker because of the terrible smell etc etc.

    If he were smoking around you, polluting the air and creating holes in the furniture with cigarette ends (and, to be honest, I think you'd have noticed if he was!) then you have the right not to tolerate it because it crosses your boundaries. However, this doesn't mean that you have the right to dictate what he does when it has no impact on you, and that's getting into the realms of unhealthy controlling behaviour on your part. In fact, the way you've jumped to a whole pile of conclusions just based on this one find is a lot more worrying than his supposed 'lying'. As others have mentioned, there are plenty of innocent explanations for the packet of fags - and it's none of your business in the first place.

    If you can only save your sanity by feeling entitled to give him the third degree, then you really need to do some work around what constitutes a healthy, adult relationship and what constitutes coercive control. Your boyfriend is an adult who is entitled to make his own decisions - as you are, too - and you need to respect this.

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