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Thread: My boyfriend has been lying to me about smoking

  1. #1

    My boyfriend has been lying to me about smoking

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and one of the first things I expressed is how much I don't like cigarettes or smoking.
    We have had a great and very happy relationship. I have taken him on all kinds of trips and he has helped me face some fear and try new things. We live together, he was with me through a very important death in my family and no matter how much I have changed from that he has loved me all the same.
    So it was a surprise to me that when I was digging around a box full of art supplies to find something that I found a box of cigarettes.
    Surprisingly I don't feel angry, just extremely hurt. Now I am faced with what to do. Obviously I will have to confront him for my own sanity but what do I do if he has been hiding this for awhile? How am I supposed to trust him? What else is he lying about?
    We are going on 2 years of living together and we just moved 2 days ago into this new apartment. I don't want to end things but trust is very important to me and right now I feel like I sweeping up my broken trust and throwing it in the trash.
    It's almost not really about smoking to me, it's more of the lying.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    When you first first met did you know he smoked? That he liked smoking? Was there ever a conversation about how you could NEVER date a smoker? Did he ever quit "for" you at some point?

    I get that this hurts, but I'd caution against the "sweeping up broken trust" narrative.

    Maybe he enjoys the occasional smoke, knows you don't like smoking, so opted to keep it to himself. Assuming he's not choking down a pack a day—which you'd know by now, since the smell is about as hard to hide as a regular habit—I'm not sure this is the hill you want die on.

    Guess I'm just saying—and this is just me—that I wouldn't see something as an occasional, unreported cigarette as a violation of trust.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Maybe you should talk to him before you talk to us. No idea how old those cigarettes are. I mean if you've been living with each other for two years and he's somehow hidden his smoking and any scent of it, dude could probably make a million bucks teaching classes. That's pretty damn impressive. I'm more inclined to agree with bluecastle's assumption that, if anything, he enjoys the very occasional smoke. I don't smoke, and I kinda loathe the idea of having a partner who does, but if it were infrequent enough for me to not notice after two years living together, I'd probably shrug it off. But again, that's assuming that is indeed the case. Let him know you found the box and ask if it's a thing.

  4. #4
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    I agree with the above posters.

    I wouldn’t assume anything until you ask.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Also agree with the others. I was a chain smoker for six years. It would not have been possible for me to hide it even if I tried as hard as I could. I doubt he even smokes one a week if you don't know. I know a few men that know their women detest smoking and have one when they are out with their friends having a few drinks once in a blue moon. Keep a level head if you feel the need to ask about it. He'll be much more inclined to be honest if you don't get angry and jump to conclusions.

  7. #6
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    My mom smoked and omg you could smell it on her breath, her clothes, heck it oozed from her pores!

    Even just one, you can't hide that, no mint, gum or mouthwash can hide that.

    So the fact you had no clue he smoked for two years, wow, that's telling.

    My guess is the cigs you found were old.

    But yeah you could talk to him, not to accuse, only to ask.

  8. #7
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    You do not know how long they have been there, or even if they belong to him. You would have smelled it on him if he were a smoker. Why don't you ask? Your reaction is extreme.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    You surely would have smelled that he was smoking as soon as he walked in the door - the smell lingers in his clothes, his hair etc etc. No-one can mistake that and trying to disguise the smell with mints or anything else never works. Maybe it was an old box. Two years together .... you surely would have noticed the smell during that time.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    There is NO WAY someone can hide the smell of smoke for 2 years.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did his ex smoke?
    Originally Posted by Jupiter123
    I was digging around a box full of art supplies to find something that I found a box of cigarettes. we just moved 2 days ago into this new apartment.

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