I have thoughts that make my boyfriend sad

Hello,

First things first, thank you for reading this and I try to keep myself as short as possible.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over one year now and so far we are a really happy couple although we do have our arguments here and there. But nothing's really worth mentioning except for one problem that I have for 6 months already.

It all started when we had an intimate moment and I thought of his best friend's name. His name just popped up into my mind and it came because I had the feeling in my gut 'this thought would be really wrong in this special moment' so it just came up. At first, my mind even moaned the name and I felt so guilty so I told him that. My boyfriend was really sad and although I told him that I have absolutely no interest in his best friend and that he is my only and special one, he concluded that he is not enough for me. That thought changed over the time but because he told me how much it hurt him, it happened regularly. One time, it was so bad that I almost thought every minute of the name of his best friend(but his name normally pronounced).

It was the guilt and the feeling that I am wrong that made it happen so often. I tried to change the name into his but often it didn't work out. During that time, he questioned me how many times it happened on these days. I also told him how physically and mentally exhausting it is for me. Because every time it happened, I felt as if I am the fault in this situation. Once he told me that he doesn't want to know the counts of the day, it began to decrease. After that, it almost never happened except when we shared an intimate moment because it reminded me of the first time it happened. Really rarely, my mind changed the name into a family member one's and when I told him that, he was really disgusted. He told me to visit a psychologist because he is also suffering from these circumstances and he thinks that this problem should be discussed with a professional.

At this point, I started to research about thoughts you don't actually think on your own. Every page I visited said that there is nothing to worry about because it is a very normal case and it will go away on itself. Because these are not your feelings but random thoughts although they can be really extreme. My boyfriend was displeased to hear that but continued anyways.

Recently, he told me that he can longer accept this situation and that he would break up with me if I no longer care about his hurt feelings. He says that so that I am going to do something against it and wants to stress that he would leave if I let it slip away. Also, he felt a lot of pain over the time and he is really sad that I choose the path that is the easiest - don't think about it and slowly, it will be gone.

I can really understand his point of view and feel his pain but I also know that I don't do that on purpose and that I love him the most. I would really never want to lose him and that's why I am here. Except for this problem everything is wonderful and when he forgets the problem for quite some time, we feel a lot better and have a lot of fun.

Please help me, it would really help me out. Thank you.

By the sounds of it, you've got OCD that centers on intrusive thoughts.

It'a a manifestation of anxiety and is more common than people realize. Your boyfriend is correct in that you should seek help for this as it has gotten to be slightly out of hand and is causing problems in your life. It won't go away on its own and does need treatment.

I will link a site that will give you more information about it.

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/intrusive-thoughts/

A therapist is a better idea than laying all this TMI on your bf. A bf should not have to play psychiatrist and deal with whatever obsessive, strange or uncontrollable thoughts you have. Agree you should breakup. Time for a checkup from the doctor if you feel you have obsessive or strange thoughts.

There is such thing as too much TMI even between partners, this is one of those times. We don’t have to blurt out every thought in our head . That is not really “honesty “ but self-destructive pot stirring .

You boyfriend is right in that this problem should be discussed with a professional. For your own good and your relationship.

I’m going to take it one step further... I think that continually “confessing” these thoughts in your head to your bf is downright abusive.

There is no value to these conversations. He is not a psychologist. He cannot help you. So - the only thing these conversations do is hurt him, repeatedly, over something he cannot control. There is no value in him knowing this.

There is a definite line in life between being “honest” and being “mean”. If I don’t like your haircut and you ASK me about it, telling you it’s ugly is being honest. If I walk up to you out of nowhere and tell you that you have an ugly haircut - that’s just mean.

Stop talking to him about it. Seriously. You don’t need to confess every thought that runs through your head. I honestly think that if you stop talking about it and focusing on it, it will likely go away on it’s own - but if it persists, it would be more appropriate and kind to speak to a professional who has the tools and ability to help.

I’m going to take it one step further... I think that continually “confessing” these thoughts in your head to your bf is downright abusive.

 

There is no value to these conversations. He is not a psychologist. He cannot help you. So - the only thing these conversations do is hurt him, repeatedly, over something he cannot control. There is no value in him knowing this.

 

There is a definite line in life between being “honest” and being “mean”. If I don’t like your haircut and you ASK me about it, telling you it’s ugly is being honest. If I walk up to you out of nowhere and tell you that you have an ugly haircut - that’s just mean.

 

Stop talking to him about it. Seriously. You don’t need to confess every thought that runs through your head. I honestly think that if you stop talking about it and focusing on it, it will likely go away on it’s own - but if it persists, it would be more appropriate and kind to speak to a professional who has the tools and ability to help.

This!

........

Just a suggestion but tell your BF to put in the ear buds and listen to music loud so he doesn't hear you moan other men's names, until you get this dealt with by a psychiatrist.

Just a suggestion but tell your BF to put in the ear buds and listen to music loud so he doesn't hear you moan other men's names, until you get this dealt with by a psychiatrist.

I’m going to take it one step further... I think that continually “confessing” these thoughts in your head to your bf is downright abusive.

Op: What is it that makes you vomit your inner most thoughts to your boyfriend? Have you never heard the word discretion? Do you not know how to process guilt without making someone else eat your sins?

I also agree you would do well to get yourself a therapist who can help you to process your thoughts and to help you to learn how to keep your private thoughts to yourself instead of using others to alleviate your misplaced guilt.

I'm being blunt here in the hopes that you'll snap out of your need to use your boyfriend in such a inappropriate manner.

What you did was a sure way to cause hurt and mistrust in your boyfriend. If not abusive, it was surely cruel and unnecessary.

I hope you can get past this but if your boyfriend was posting this, I would tell him to leave you and find someone who has more emotional maturity.

I think that if you have OCD with intrusive thoughts then obviously it's not your "fault" this is happening because you can't control it, HOWEVER the part where you're talking and talking and confessing thoughts to your boyfriend about this instead of a professional therapist is your full responsibility and your choice. Your boyfriend is not a therapist nor is it his responsibility to be your free therapist/confessionary for the sake of "transparency and honesty". He already knows you have a problem, so you don't need to tell him anymore and it's not fair to him.

OP

As someone who went through hell from my ex doing this to me with his OCD intrusive thoughts that he told me about. I wished I had left sooner. Also you may just have this one thought but if not dealt with by a professional more will come later.

It’s not fair to tell him these thoughts as it wasn’t fair my ex did the same to me.

Trust me on the receiving end you build up a lot of anger and resentment.

Lol, blurt out his friend's name in the heat of the moment, I'd like to see that!

You two are terribly insecure. So what if you call him the wrong name?!

Your the one he is with, that's all that counts. Talk is cheap but actions scream.

People love to worry about things that are not an issue and make mountains out of molehills.

Lol, blurt out his friend's name in the heat of the moment, I'd like to see that!

 

You two are terribly insecure. So what if you call him the wrong name?!

 

Your the one he is with, that's all that counts. Talk is cheap but actions scream.

 

People love to worry about things that are not an issue and make mountains out of molehills.

You said "So what if you call him the wrong name." Are you kidding me, dude? And you don't see this as odd and problematic?

As one poster said "confessing these thoughts in your head to your bf is downright abusive". I totally agree. She needs to seek therapy.

At first, my mind even moaned the name and I felt so guilty so I told him that.

Oh, geez. I'm reading no further; this is just manipulative bunk. Skip the self indulgence, adopt some mature discretion, and watch the problem go ~poof!~ ...It's amazing.