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Thread: Girlfriend went back to her abusive ex. Need help understanding why?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by LDJ
    You are best to avoid this kind of partner, it is not a good match for you not matter how alluring she may have seemed, for you long term happiness will come from a partner who is genuinely attracted to the good guy.
    I'm really greatful none of you said - stop being a "nice guy", take the red pill! I am who I am. Maybe my worldview is somewhat naive, but I feel good about being kind to people etc. The problem is when you go into the dating world using such approach It makes you look weak, even if being a "nice guy" is you conscious choice.

    Originally Posted by LDJ
    If he is her bad boy and she has a bad boy complex, then she is looking to the comfort of a dysfunctional relationship because that is part of her past, likely her upbringing, if she had a parent who was emotionally unavailable then she is used to not having love handed to her easily, it feels more comforting, normal and rewarding to her if she actually has to earn a man's love, if it comes and goes, gets sometimes taken away etc. it is instinctive to her that is what love looks like and feels like and that's how it works.
    This may actually be the case. She said her mother had been quite cold and distant her whole life and had never been proud of my ex. She may be used to the fact that love has never been given to her too easily. She had to earn it.

    My love for my ex was unconditional. She didn't have to earn it, it was given to her free, so she didn't value it, right? Her ex didn't show her too much respect, she had sex with him whenever he wanted because she thought this was the way to win him over. She thought he'd start loving her then. He didn't. But he (apparently) does now!? I can't get it. I can't believe he honestly loves her. Gosh! This is so freaking hard to understand.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by dilsvern
    I have been dating this girl for about 6 months, although we had known each other for almost three years. I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy who was mean to her, did not respect her and in the end cheated on her. I knew this was a bad idea to start dating a girl who was freshly out of a relationship and didn't have enough time and space to heal, but she said it was worth to give me a chance as I was her best friend.

    We spent wonderful time together, things got more intimate, I noticed she was slowly falling in love with me. One time she even said she was 100% sure she would be my wife. We were so happy, until she changed her job and it turned out her ex boyfriend worked nearby. They met a couple of times and started texting each other. She was honest about it but told me I shouldn't worry as she didn't intend to go back to him, just wanted to see if he regretted what he had done to her. She wanted to see any sign of remorse in him.

    Then things got out of hand. We quarreled a lot because of my envy and ultimately she decided to break up with me as she lost her patience. A couple of days later she started posting pictures on instagram with her ex. She looked so happy, so in love. I felt devastated and shocked. I texted her a couple of times and asked if she believed that this guy had really changed. She said he had become a totally different man, he'd grown up and she was so in love with him. Her tone was cold and distant, I felt like an intruder that wanted to destroy her happy life. I'm now three months into NC but looking at her instagram pictures, she doesn't seem to miss me at all. She's enjoying her new life and looks so in love. How is that possible? Will she forget me forever? Is It possible a guy who treated her badly and cheated on her has changed and will be good for her?
    It seems to me you entered this relationship to appease her. Learn from this and move on.....initiate NC and heal

  3. #23
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    I had dark thoughts lately. I went to see a psychiatrist but it wasn't much help. I don't know why this has so much control over my life.

    The girl that showed so much respect and care for me at the beginning of our relationship, assured me that I'm the most valuable person in her entire life, is now indifferent or even despises me, doesn't need me any more. Her ex, on the other hand, has allegedly changed, grown up and become a kind and caring partner.

    She's seriously in love with him. They spend almost every day together and look so happy (yes I know I shouldn't be checking her social media, but I can' help myself). This is something that I could only dream about and that guy gets it effortlessly. How can that be?

    I think there must be something wrong with me. If she just left to get some space, as she said, that would be much more bearable. But to immediatly go back to a guy who cheated on her, forgive him and fall deeply in love again? That makes my life a pain.
    Last edited by dilsvern; 03-12-2019 at 07:53 PM.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by dilsvern
    I had dark thoughts lately. I went to see a psychiatrist but it wasn't much help. I don't know why this has so much control over my life.

    The girl that showed so much respect and care for me at the beginning of our relationship, assured me that I'm the most valuable person in her entire life, is now indifferent or even despises me, doesn't need me any more. Her ex, on the other hand, has allegedly changed, grown up and become a kind and caring partner.

    She's seriously in love with him. They spend almost every day together and look so happy (yes I know I shouldn't be checking her social media, but I can' help myself). This is something that I could only dream about and that guy gets it effortlessly. How can that be?

    I think there must be something wrong with me. If she just left to get some space, as she said, that would be much more bearable. But to immediatly go back to a guy who cheated on her, forgive him and fall deeply in love again? That makes my life a pain.
    Three things you need to please take on board:-

    1. Women, it is said, make decisions based on emotion. Trying to rationally analyze why is a waste of time. The answer doesn't actually matter anyway, and doesn't change the current situation.

    2. She does not despise you. She simply made a decision that she thought was best for her. She is probably a bit guilty for hurting you, hence the "space" excuse she trotted out. You now need to make some decisions that are best for you.

    3. It looks like it was a rebound for her, and it ran its course. That is all.

    There is nothing wrong with you, bro, and looking at the SM etc... I think we all do that for a while.

    Please start doing some exercise. In fact, go out and go for a run right now, or lift some weights or something. Seriously, it will make you feel better.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Right now it hurts and seems inexplicable. However in the long run, you'll see that they deserve each other and you deserve better.

  7. #26

    What ever happened?

    How did things turn out?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by arealbfalcon
    How did things turn out?
    I have been in no contact for 8 months, looking sporadically at her social media. They moved in together two months ago and from the pictures posted on Instagram she never looked so happy. They seem to enjoy their time together travelling around, going to parties, concerts, etc. It looks like the honeymoon period is never going to end.

    We have a mutual friend who now lives abroad and comes back to visit her family and friends every few months. My ex texted me recently to say she was sorry I had been avoiding our friend's meetings ever since we broke up. She said this was immature and our friend doesn't desreve to be treated that way.

    I was going to ignore that message, but later that day she sent another one saying that she actually missed talking to me. Hot and cold right? Unfortunately I took the bait and texted her back spilling my guts to her, saying how hurt I felt etc. expecting to see some sign of remorse. Quite the contrary. She changed her tone instantly (cold again). She said she had never been so happy in her entire life and she deeply regretted that she even allowed our "acquaintance" to turn into something serious in the first place. Then she assured me she never wanted to renew our acquaintance (so why was she texting!?) and that she had been through so much with her new (ex) boyfriend that she didn' fear anything any more (i.e. cheating). Then I decided to block her on my mobile.

    I'm really confused by her inconsistent behavior. I do all I can to distract myself and move on (gym, climbing wall, travel). I don't want to jump into anther relationship as I don't feel ready for it. I still cannot understand how was this possible that her ex changed so drastically in no time. Is he now really good, caring, loving and #simplythebest?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good call. Cut her out and start dating other women.
    Originally Posted by dilsvern
    I decided to block her on my mobile.

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