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Girlfriend went back to her abusive ex. Need help understanding why?


dilsvern

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I have been dating this girl for about 6 months, although we had known each other for almost three years. I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy who was mean to her, did not respect her and in the end cheated on her. I knew this was a bad idea to start dating a girl who was freshly out of a relationship and didn't have enough time and space to heal, but she said it was worth to give me a chance as I was her best friend.

 

We spent wonderful time together, things got more intimate, I noticed she was slowly falling in love with me. One time she even said she was 100% sure she would be my wife. We were so happy, until she changed her job and it turned out her ex boyfriend worked nearby. They met a couple of times and started texting each other. She was honest about it but told me I shouldn't worry as she didn't intend to go back to him, just wanted to see if he regretted what he had done to her. She wanted to see any sign of remorse in him.

 

Then things got out of hand. We quarreled a lot because of my envy and ultimately she decided to break up with me as she lost her patience. A couple of days later she started posting pictures on instagram with her ex. She looked so happy, so in love. I felt devastated and shocked. I texted her a couple of times and asked if she believed that this guy had really changed. She said he had become a totally different man, he'd grown up and she was so in love with him. Her tone was cold and distant, I felt like an intruder that wanted to destroy her happy life. I'm now three months into NC but looking at her instagram pictures, she doesn't seem to miss me at all. She's enjoying her new life and looks so in love. How is that possible? Will she forget me forever? Is It possible a guy who treated her badly and cheated on her has changed and will be good for her?

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Sorry you're going through this, but your original instinct that it was too soon to date her was correct. For yourself, no contact should mean no looking up Instagram or any other social media website, as it will pull the scab off your own healing as surely as phoning or meeting her would.

 

Put simply, she had not had enough time to process her feelings following her breakup and move on from it. You were the rebound, whatever she said to reassure you. She and her ex/current partner are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, by the sound of it, so of course they look happy and in love. Her ex isn't a totally different man. They've just hit the 'reset' button on their relationship and neither has had time to reflect meaningfully and grow from the experience. It will just be a matter of time before the old patterns reassert themselves.

 

Meanwhile, put her firmly behind you. Don't look at her photos or try to keep tabs on her in any way. And listen to your instincts.

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It's because that's the only way she knows. "He will change this time. He is sooo sorry for hurting me. He loves me. I deserved it" - that's most likely her way of thinking.

She ran from relationship to relationship, without letting herself propper healing and viewing the relationship for what it was.

 

It's like going from one high to another without allowing yourself to see what the drug actually does to you.

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You were a rebound, and you are right, you never should have gotten involved with her.

 

Sorry, she was never in love with lyou, and clearly was not over him. He has not changed. Sadly, she gets something out of the drama and abuse.

 

You need to address why you would want someone who cheated on and dumped you, and is clearly attracted to an unhealthy dynamic. What does that say about your choices in women!

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Thanks guys! Lots of useful advice, I really apreciate It. Clearly, I made a mistake. You're all right, I didn'tmake a good choice and should have trusted my gut. I think I've learned a lesson and now I should move on. Guess the best I can do now is to stop looking at her istagram and try to think as little about what happend as possible.

 

There's just one thing that bothers me though. Granted I was her rebound, does that mean she didn't feel anything for me? Did she lie all the time? Maybe she lied to herself to to drown out feelings for her ex? I may be fooling myself, but I hope she did feel something for me, at least some kind of friendship, some attachment, but her revived love for her ex helped her to fill the gap in her heart after our break-up, that's why she seems not to miss me.

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Well....look....just because someone isn't with you anymore or you aren't dating them doesn't mean that they suddenly got amnesia and don't remember you or appreciate their time with you. It's just that they opted to move on in a different direction and you are no longer a part of their present. You need to do the same. Move on and focus on your own life. Definitely stop looking at her social media. You should know that people always create a great image of a wonderful life on there, but that it's rarely reality. Don't get caught up in that, especially when it's keeping you stuck in the past dwelling on your ex. She is now just a part of your history.

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I'm sure she cared about you and enjoyed her time with you. Unfortunately, I do not think she loved you, or she would not have ended things and returned to the creep. I'm sorry.

 

I have been there, too. It will take time to get over this. The positive about my experience was to choose more appropriate people. If you learn from this experience, you will be more aware and follow through on red flags. It will save your heart.

 

Please block and delete this woman.

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Don't be surprised if she comes back around when her ex cheats on her again. Work on getting over her, so if it happens, you won't fall prey to the same situation a second time.

 

You read my mind!!!!!

 

I agree. She would definitely do this to you again. Block!

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If he is her bad boy and she has a bad boy complex, then she is looking to the comfort of a dysfunctional relationship because that is part of her past, likely her upbringing, if she had a parent who was emotionally unavailable then she is used to not having love handed to her easily, it feels more comforting, normal and rewarding to her if she actually has to earn a man's love, if it comes and goes, gets sometimes taken away etc. it is instinctive to her that is what love looks like and feels like and that's how it works.

 

You, being the "good guy" would have appealed to her rational side, that part of her that was enjoying a vacation from having to earn love and approval to being able to enjoy for awhile having it offered unconditionally be you. This would logically make sense to her as being the healthier and better choice, so she reveled in that kind of a relationship and tried hard to make it work, knowing it was better for her. The problem is, is that logic doesn't rule love and the attraction for her comes from the lure of a love that is hard to have, validation comes to her from earning it and that is what fires the bad boy based relationship. So, even if she had stayed with you, she likely would have gone after the next bad boy that came along.

 

You are best to avoid this kind of partner, it is not a good match for you not matter how alluring she may have seemed, for you long term happiness will come from a partner who is genuinely attracted to the good guy.

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I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy

You knew.. it was a bad idea.

And.. is always best NOT to go beyond friendship, with a 'friend' :/. Awkward now.

 

No, sadly, she does not love you.. she's pushing all of her past emotions from previous relationship onto you.

Nowhere near such as 'love' And in beginning it is only 'lust'.... all part of Rebound and honeymoon phase.

 

She cannot 'give' to you at this time, as she's a mess emotionally, etc... obviously :/.

 

just wanted to see if he regretted what he had done to her. She wanted to see any sign of remorse in him.

- This, is another red flag... She was still caught up on HIM.

 

No, I highly doubt he has changed.. BUT this is NOT your problem,

Is best for YOU to just back right off... and in time she will realize he has not changed, but that is again, HER problem.

 

Just walk.. and keep walking.

When you WERE ready to be involved.. She was not.. Just used you.. I am sorry.. that is awful & selfish :(.

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Again, thank you so much! You are a great support.

 

It certainly won't be easy to leave all my feeling for my ex-girlfriend behind, but I'm sure I don't want her back, should she ever realize she made a mistake. It would show I have no respect for myself and in the long run I know I wouldn't be happy with this girl.

 

Do you think it's a good idea to ignore her completely if she decides to text me one day? Or should I just be polite and say I don't want to speak with her ever again?

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Dude, block and delete this girl. She has treated you like absolute garbage. You really need to get yourself out of doormat mode. I say this with the best intentions. Stop ALLOWING people to treat you like this. You want zero communication.

 

BLOCK!

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She won't be texting you because you should delete and block her from all your devices, messaging apps and social media. Why drag this out?

 

You knew from the start you were just the in-between guy until she got back with her on/off bf. Never hang out in the friendzone like this waiting to scoop up the damaged and wounded only to send them back to their bf's with the ego boost (or revenge/making the bf jealous/whatever) they wanted. As you've seen, you'll just get hurt.

Do you think it's a good idea to ignore her completely if she decides to text me one day?

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You were a rebound.

 

As for her, abusers don't change over night. I know the cycle. They claim they are changed or will change, they will be sweet as pie for 2 weeks to a month, then it starts to rise to the surface....those old feelings of insecurity and loss of control....the abuse starts all over again.

 

Being in a relationship with you or anyone else is not her answer. She needed to get it out of her system in other ways, find herself again, start living her life independently, then be ready for someone new.

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I have been dating this girl for about 6 months, although we had known each other for almost three years. I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy .... her ex boyfriend worked nearby. They met a couple of times and started texting each other....She said he had become a totally different man, he'd grown up

 

Hate to say it but you were the rebound.

 

Looks like he did NC, worked on himself, and got her back.

 

Chalk this one up to experience, stop checking her instagram, and stick to NC.

 

If she appears on your doorstep at some point, the first question is how long ago did she break-up with him (again). If it's not a least about 40% of how ever long she is with him this time, then tell her to get back to you about then if she wants to.

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Thanks guys! Lots of useful advice, I really apreciate It. Clearly, I made a mistake. You're all right, I didn'tmake a good choice and should have trusted my gut. I think I've learned a lesson and now I should move on. Guess the best I can do now is to stop looking at her istagram and try to think as little about what happend as possible.

 

There's just one thing that bothers me though. Granted I was her rebound, does that mean she didn't feel anything for me? Did she lie all the time? Maybe she lied to herself to to drown out feelings for her ex? I may be fooling myself, but I hope she did feel something for me, at least some kind of friendship, some attachment, but her revived love for her ex helped her to fill the gap in her heart after our break-up, that's why she seems not to miss me.

 

She dived in with you to distract herself from the grieving process that even dumpers have (although being cheated on would lessen it). She has now branched back to him.

 

She hasn't herself processed the grief of a break-up, no matter who is dumping whom.

 

My guess is if she breaks up with him again she'll look for another rebound to postpone it again - don't let it be you.

 

One day she won't find a rebound ,and is going to have to go through a few simultaneous grief processes. You (and anyone else she has had a relationship with) can't help her with that.

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You are best to avoid this kind of partner, it is not a good match for you not matter how alluring she may have seemed, for you long term happiness will come from a partner who is genuinely attracted to the good guy.

 

I'm really greatful none of you said - stop being a "nice guy", take the red pill! I am who I am. Maybe my worldview is somewhat naive, but I feel good about being kind to people etc. The problem is when you go into the dating world using such approach It makes you look weak, even if being a "nice guy" is you conscious choice.

 

If he is her bad boy and she has a bad boy complex, then she is looking to the comfort of a dysfunctional relationship because that is part of her past, likely her upbringing, if she had a parent who was emotionally unavailable then she is used to not having love handed to her easily, it feels more comforting, normal and rewarding to her if she actually has to earn a man's love, if it comes and goes, gets sometimes taken away etc. it is instinctive to her that is what love looks like and feels like and that's how it works.

 

This may actually be the case. She said her mother had been quite cold and distant her whole life and had never been proud of my ex. She may be used to the fact that love has never been given to her too easily. She had to earn it.

 

My love for my ex was unconditional. She didn't have to earn it, it was given to her free, so she didn't value it, right? Her ex didn't show her too much respect, she had sex with him whenever he wanted because she thought this was the way to win him over. She thought he'd start loving her then. He didn't. But he (apparently) does now!? I can't get it. I can't believe he honestly loves her. Gosh! This is so freaking hard to understand.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months, although we had known each other for almost three years. I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy who was mean to her, did not respect her and in the end cheated on her. I knew this was a bad idea to start dating a girl who was freshly out of a relationship and didn't have enough time and space to heal, but she said it was worth to give me a chance as I was her best friend.

 

We spent wonderful time together, things got more intimate, I noticed she was slowly falling in love with me. One time she even said she was 100% sure she would be my wife. We were so happy, until she changed her job and it turned out her ex boyfriend worked nearby. They met a couple of times and started texting each other. She was honest about it but told me I shouldn't worry as she didn't intend to go back to him, just wanted to see if he regretted what he had done to her. She wanted to see any sign of remorse in him.

 

Then things got out of hand. We quarreled a lot because of my envy and ultimately she decided to break up with me as she lost her patience. A couple of days later she started posting pictures on instagram with her ex. She looked so happy, so in love. I felt devastated and shocked. I texted her a couple of times and asked if she believed that this guy had really changed. She said he had become a totally different man, he'd grown up and she was so in love with him. Her tone was cold and distant, I felt like an intruder that wanted to destroy her happy life. I'm now three months into NC but looking at her instagram pictures, she doesn't seem to miss me at all. She's enjoying her new life and looks so in love. How is that possible? Will she forget me forever? Is It possible a guy who treated her badly and cheated on her has changed and will be good for her?

 

It seems to me you entered this relationship to appease her. Learn from this and move on.....initiate NC and heal

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I had dark thoughts lately. I went to see a psychiatrist but it wasn't much help. I don't know why this has so much control over my life.

 

The girl that showed so much respect and care for me at the beginning of our relationship, assured me that I'm the most valuable person in her entire life, is now indifferent or even despises me, doesn't need me any more. Her ex, on the other hand, has allegedly changed, grown up and become a kind and caring partner.

 

She's seriously in love with him. They spend almost every day together and look so happy (yes I know I shouldn't be checking her social media, but I can' help myself). This is something that I could only dream about and that guy gets it effortlessly. How can that be?

 

I think there must be something wrong with me. If she just left to get some space, as she said, that would be much more bearable. But to immediatly go back to a guy who cheated on her, forgive him and fall deeply in love again? That makes my life a pain.

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I had dark thoughts lately. I went to see a psychiatrist but it wasn't much help. I don't know why this has so much control over my life.

 

The girl that showed so much respect and care for me at the beginning of our relationship, assured me that I'm the most valuable person in her entire life, is now indifferent or even despises me, doesn't need me any more. Her ex, on the other hand, has allegedly changed, grown up and become a kind and caring partner.

 

She's seriously in love with him. They spend almost every day together and look so happy (yes I know I shouldn't be checking her social media, but I can' help myself). This is something that I could only dream about and that guy gets it effortlessly. How can that be?

 

I think there must be something wrong with me. If she just left to get some space, as she said, that would be much more bearable. But to immediatly go back to a guy who cheated on her, forgive him and fall deeply in love again? That makes my life a pain.

 

Three things you need to please take on board:-

 

1. Women, it is said, make decisions based on emotion. Trying to rationally analyze why is a waste of time. The answer doesn't actually matter anyway, and doesn't change the current situation.

 

2. She does not despise you. She simply made a decision that she thought was best for her. She is probably a bit guilty for hurting you, hence the "space" excuse she trotted out. You now need to make some decisions that are best for you.

 

3. It looks like it was a rebound for her, and it ran its course. That is all.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, bro, and looking at the SM etc... I think we all do that for a while.

 

Please start doing some exercise. In fact, go out and go for a run right now, or lift some weights or something. Seriously, it will make you feel better.

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