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Thread: Girlfriend went back to her abusive ex. Need help understanding why?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Don't be surprised if she comes back around when her ex cheats on her again. Work on getting over her, so if it happens, you won't fall prey to the same situation a second time.
    You read my mind!!!!!

    I agree. She would definitely do this to you again. Block!

  2. #12
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    If he is her bad boy and she has a bad boy complex, then she is looking to the comfort of a dysfunctional relationship because that is part of her past, likely her upbringing, if she had a parent who was emotionally unavailable then she is used to not having love handed to her easily, it feels more comforting, normal and rewarding to her if she actually has to earn a man's love, if it comes and goes, gets sometimes taken away etc. it is instinctive to her that is what love looks like and feels like and that's how it works.

    You, being the "good guy" would have appealed to her rational side, that part of her that was enjoying a vacation from having to earn love and approval to being able to enjoy for awhile having it offered unconditionally be you. This would logically make sense to her as being the healthier and better choice, so she reveled in that kind of a relationship and tried hard to make it work, knowing it was better for her. The problem is, is that logic doesn't rule love and the attraction for her comes from the lure of a love that is hard to have, validation comes to her from earning it and that is what fires the bad boy based relationship. So, even if she had stayed with you, she likely would have gone after the next bad boy that came along.

    You are best to avoid this kind of partner, it is not a good match for you not matter how alluring she may have seemed, for you long term happiness will come from a partner who is genuinely attracted to the good guy.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy

    You knew.. it was a bad idea.
    And.. is always best NOT to go beyond friendship, with a 'friend' :/. Awkward now.

    No, sadly, she does not love you.. she's pushing all of her past emotions from previous relationship onto you.
    Nowhere near such as 'love' And in beginning it is only 'lust'.... all part of Rebound and honeymoon phase.

    She cannot 'give' to you at this time, as she's a mess emotionally, etc... obviously :/.

    just wanted to see if he regretted what he had done to her. She wanted to see any sign of remorse in him.
    - This, is another red flag... She was still caught up on HIM.

    No, I highly doubt he has changed.. BUT this is NOT your problem,
    Is best for YOU to just back right off... and in time she will realize he has not changed, but that is again, HER problem.

    Just walk.. and keep walking.
    When you WERE ready to be involved.. She was not.. Just used you.. I am sorry.. that is awful & selfish :(.

  4. #14
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    Again, thank you so much! You are a great support.

    It certainly won't be easy to leave all my feeling for my ex-girlfriend behind, but I'm sure I don't want her back, should she ever realize she made a mistake. It would show I have no respect for myself and in the long run I know I wouldn't be happy with this girl.

    Do you think it's a good idea to ignore her completely if she decides to text me one day? Or should I just be polite and say I don't want to speak with her ever again?

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  6. #15
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    Dude, block and delete this girl. She has treated you like absolute garbage. You really need to get yourself out of doormat mode. I say this with the best intentions. Stop ALLOWING people to treat you like this. You want zero communication.

    BLOCK!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She won't be texting you because you should delete and block her from all your devices, messaging apps and social media. Why drag this out?

    You knew from the start you were just the in-between guy until she got back with her on/off bf. Never hang out in the friendzone like this waiting to scoop up the damaged and wounded only to send them back to their bf's with the ego boost (or revenge/making the bf jealous/whatever) they wanted. As you've seen, you'll just get hurt.
    Originally Posted by dilsvern
    Do you think it's a good idea to ignore her completely if she decides to text me one day?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You were a rebound.

    As for her, abusers don't change over night. I know the cycle. They claim they are changed or will change, they will be sweet as pie for 2 weeks to a month, then it starts to rise to the surface....those old feelings of insecurity and loss of control....the abuse starts all over again.

    Being in a relationship with you or anyone else is not her answer. She needed to get it out of her system in other ways, find herself again, start living her life independently, then be ready for someone new.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by dilsvern
    I have been dating this girl for about 6 months, although we had known each other for almost three years. I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy .... her ex boyfriend worked nearby. They met a couple of times and started texting each other....She said he had become a totally different man, he'd grown up
    Hate to say it but you were the rebound.

    Looks like he did NC, worked on himself, and got her back.

    Chalk this one up to experience, stop checking her instagram, and stick to NC.

    If she appears on your doorstep at some point, the first question is how long ago did she break-up with him (again). If it's not a least about 40% of how ever long she is with him this time, then tell her to get back to you about then if she wants to.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by dilsvern
    Thanks guys! Lots of useful advice, I really apreciate It. Clearly, I made a mistake. You're all right, I didn'tmake a good choice and should have trusted my gut. I think I've learned a lesson and now I should move on. Guess the best I can do now is to stop looking at her istagram and try to think as little about what happend as possible.

    There's just one thing that bothers me though. Granted I was her rebound, does that mean she didn't feel anything for me? Did she lie all the time? Maybe she lied to herself to to drown out feelings for her ex? I may be fooling myself, but I hope she did feel something for me, at least some kind of friendship, some attachment, but her revived love for her ex helped her to fill the gap in her heart after our break-up, that's why she seems not to miss me.
    She dived in with you to distract herself from the grieving process that even dumpers have (although being cheated on would lessen it). She has now branched back to him.

    She hasn't herself processed the grief of a break-up, no matter who is dumping whom.

    My guess is if she breaks up with him again she'll look for another rebound to postpone it again - don't let it be you.

    One day she won't find a rebound ,and is going to have to go through a few simultaneous grief processes. You (and anyone else she has had a relationship with) can't help her with that.

  11. #20
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Why do women love bad boys? - they don't............they just love who they love - and some of them tend to be bad.

    You'll find another.

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