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Thread: white lies.

  1. #1
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    white lies.

    I have a small issue with my guy. We have a very healthy relationship on all levels and outside of little natural annoyances, there is this one quality that bothers me at times.

    I trust him. If I didn't, I wouldn't be in this relationship. It's not debatable.

    He has a tendency to tell white lies and it seems to be always related to planning and scheduling and sparing peoples feelings.

    Examples. His friends were coming into town for the weekend and wanted to see us both Friday and Saturday. S felt Saturday was more than enough and his knee jerk way of handling things is to tell a white lie. In this example, he said he and I had plans with my brothers family (not true) He could have easily said we were busy or unavailable. It's as if he's had so much experience conjuring up a white lie, with all it's details, it just comes too easy for him.

    The other night his son was with him for hours and I was on my way over to his house after work. His son doesn't always know when to leave so his way of handling it is to tell me the plans had changed and he told his son he needed to help me fix garbage disposal at my house.

    I get this is all about sparing the other persons feelings. I get that. I guess what bugs me is there have been several times he didn't need to tell a white lie, but it's his automatic default.

    S said he was helping his friend mow his (massive) back yard, yesterday. Instead he was at my house assembling patio furniture and wanted to surprise me. Lucky me, right?

    He does this enough, I am now catching myself 2nd guessing when he stumbles about his where about's. How easily is he telling a white lie to me? I'd be foolish to think I am an exception, though he'd like me to believe that.

    I have told him once that this makes me uncomfortable, because it comes up often. He is good about when he does it to me, he will ultimately tell me the truth, but for me that just isn't a good enough arrangement.

    I traveled south on the train to visit another office this morning. S loves to surf and I took pictures of the waves from the train. The cell reception is bad, he didn't respond like he typically would and I didn't give it too much thought. 3 hours later he text me and asked how my trip was. I asked if he got the pictures, he said yes he's at the gym. (now) All so innocent but I am second guessing him when I have no reason too. I hate that I am finding myself wondering where he was during those 3 hours and don't want to feel this way.

    I feel I need to bring this up to him again, but at the same time this is who he is.
    I put myself in his same situation and funny enough I have the same scheduling dilemmas and I don't feel I ever need to pull the white lie card.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Tough love.....


    You are choosing to trust a pathological liar and you are doing an awful lot of excusing and spackling how this behavior is OK, it's just silly little white lies. Except that they aren't. One of the things about pathological liars is that not only can they not help themselves, but they do lie about completely stupid, easily found out things. Exactly the kind of daily nonsense that no sane person would even consider lying about. Unfortunately, they will also lie about serious, major things and you may never know. It also does erode trust in any relationship. You start out your post with "I trust him", but you end your post "I don't actually trust him." because the reality is that you can't trust him and shouldn't. You are wondering what he is lying about now and rightfully so. Btw, he is not lying to protect others, he is lying because he is disordered.

    Of course you don't want to feel like you can't trust your SO, but you cannot trust a liar no matter how much you try to spackle over his behavior and excuse his lies. Your better inner sense is kicking you in the rear and you really should listen to it and ask yourself why are you accepting this kind of a relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't consider that "white lies". I don't know why people use that term. Maybe to downplay it due to it being a smaller lie? But at the end of the day, it's a lie.
    I don't like liars. I don't trust liars.

    I understand about trying to spare people's feelings but at the same time there is a lot of respectability for someone who can just say how it is with no games or lies.
    You don't need to say the truth in a harsh way. Like you said, he could have said things like.."we're not available right now". There is a way to be honest without hurting people.

    I find people who lie like this do have questionable character. As you've said yourself, they find it too easy to lie or conquer up lies. It's like they don't even have a conscience about it anymore as they've gotten so used to doing it.
    That's scary.

    It does make the mind work overtime too. What's true, what's not true? How often does this person actually lie? How serious will their lies become?
    These are all reasonable questions to ask yourself.

    I too am like you, I don't ever feel the need to lie to people. I don't believe it's right and I don't think it's okay.
    If someone asked me what I thought of their shirt and they liked it and I didn't find it too great, I would be honest. I would tell them that I didn't like it. Why lie?
    Adults at the end of the day can handle the truth, they're not going to crumble to bits. And to be honest, if they still like the shirt and I don't, who cares? People are allowed to have a difference of opinion and no harm done.

    I personally would have a major problem with his lying. I would try and talk to him about it. It truly is a matter of integrity. I also find it far more attractive for someone to always be honest and has a reputation as being honest as the day is long.

    At the end of the day, it truly is up to you what you will and won't accept. But the lying would bother me and I wouldn't be able to look past it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Sorry, I.had to.laugh at the disorderd comment.
    Normal healthy people tell white lies. It doesn't make them pathological or disordered.

    He biggest fault is hes a people pleaser and doesn't want disappointment people.

    I always respect your responses but this one is certainly heavy handed
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 02-28-2019 at 04:04 PM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    And I have to add in 18 months hes never done anything that would make me not trust his character.

    I am suspicious by nature and not much gets past me.

    This man has alot of integrity but it's the way he handles not wanting to disappoint people that irks me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He biggest fault is hes a people pleaser and doesn't want disappointment people
    Yeah, except I used to be one of those people who were a people pleaser and never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings or say no to people.

    It was a flaw in me and a huge one. I had issues that I needed to deal with in order to not be that person anymore.

    I can't say I ever lied like that though.

    He doesn't need to be this way. It is a flaw and it is something that needs to be worked out. Lying is no good.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Agreed.

    I just hate that I have to talk to him about it again

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Some people who tell lies like these will lie about bigger things. Some people who tell lies like these precisely because they are relatively inconsequential. I'm not sure I'd jump to the assumption he's lied about significant things, but it's a fair consideration. My first assumption would be either him being an excessive people pleaser or there being some kind of history contributing to him being timid. Up to you what your threshold is. I've never really had to deal with that as far as a romantic partner's habits go.

    What raised my eyebrow the most was him just showing up in your backyard to put lawn furniture together. I understand the sentiment, but assuming you two aren't living together, that's a bit more liberal with my space than I prefer someone be.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I just hate that I have to talk to him about it again
    I don't blame you. It's cringe worthy and there isn't any guarantee that you'll get anywhere.

    Ugh, I wished that people didn't ever feel the need to lie. For me personally, it messes to much with my head. My ex husband was a liar and he lied about whatever, small things, big things. You didn't really know if the man was ever being honest.

    That does my head in, and I can't deal. I would rather have a partner who I knew never felt a need to tell lies.

    Even something as silly as the shirt I am wearing, does he like it or is he just saying he does to please me? I cannot stand those kind of head games. I'd rather he just tell me if it's not great or if he truly did like it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I was married to a pathological liar, heck I dated one after that, so I do know the difference.
    This one does not lie about things that matter, if that makes sense. This I do know.
    But it's a slippery slope either way and it's not how I operate and my tolerance for it is low.

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