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Thread: white lies.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Lying is lying whether it's big or small and each time a person lies it diminishes trust in a relationship... whether it's a little at a time or all at once with a big whopper. It's understandable that it makes you uncomfortable... intimacy, trust and security is very difficult with someone that feels they have to tell lies to avoid conflict or hurting others.

    At the end of the day it appears to be making you more and more uncomfortable as time goes on... and you know as well as anyone else that you can talk to him about it until you are blue in the face but unless he is willing to change it, you will either need to accept it or make some tough decisions about the relationship.

  2. #22
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    I don't understand why you would try and talk to him about this.

    He's a liar, it's part of who is, accept it or move on. If he wanted to change he would do so.

    I also don't think it's possible to trust a liar. I overheard my ex tell one "white" lie very early in our dating. It was totally inconsequential in reality but it's effect on my perception of him was profound. I could never get out of my head that he would likely lie to me. That one lie led me to question many of our interactions and ultimately I never trusted him 100%.

  3. #23
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    I don't think white lies for the purpose of saving someone's feelings are the same as lying or have the same effect on trust, etc - meaning it should not IMO. -- I think it depends on the frequency, intention, whether it's to everyone or to a particular person (meaning is the typical recipient of the white lie someone who is particularly fragile or vulnerable?). I would find it irksome if a person's MO was to tell white lies by default so that he never had to say "no" - because at some point that's not about protecting someone else's feelings -it can't be. And yes my son will find out someday that I was the tooth fairy. Like many other kids - that I made it up. Do all those kids end up not trusting their parents to be honest? No because they know it was done out of love and lightheartedness and fun. And sure I lied to my husband when I planned surprise parties for him and of course he understood why I lied. He did the same to me for my surprise 30th bday party that he planned. Many lies involved there.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I don't post in the public forum often but I am glad when I do.
    There used to be a time that differing opinions rattled me.

    All in all it's a good reminder to be objective of someone elses dilemma, to practice refraining from dumping my projections on them and to be kind.

    Yep, my guy may very well tell his mom he can't come by because his dog doesn't feel well. I'm not thrilled about that, but when I take into consideration all his other qualities, it doesn't make him a pathological, disordered horrible person worthy of being extricated from my world.

    Trust me when I tell you I've been through enough in my lifetime to know the difference, despite what you may think.

    Again, thanks for the reminder and the feedback.

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  6. #25
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    So for me it would depend on his mom -if she is not a stable person and would fall apart/have health issues if he told his mother he just wasn't in the mood to see her, then telling a white lie is to save her feelings and protect her health. If it's just for his convenience because he'd rather not get into a longer conversation I wouldn't be such a fan of those priorities. Whether or not it's a "lie" - I wouldn't be a fan of prioritizing my own convenience each and every time - because much better to keep it real/clean and to be able to say to mom "thanks so much for the invitation and I need my space right now". Yes, if a friend calls and I don't want to talk because I'd prefer to eat dinner and have my space I might not tell her it's because I'm going to prioritize eating over her, but I likely would say "sorry I have something I need to do right now" -for me eating at that time does feel like a "need" and I am uncomfortable sharing my need to eat at that particular time. But if it was my sister I'd say "I have time to eat on my own before [my son] comes home so I'll call you later ok?" She knows me and knows how precious that eating time is to me. The other friend might find it weird that I'd prioritize dinner over her. So yes is it a "lie" - I guess because I don't technically "need" to eat - I won't starve to death if I have to eat while my son is around distracting me - but on the other hand I am going to call her later and as long as she's not in crisis mode why do I need to share my personal preferences to eat right then? Many people tell me they're too busy to talk right then -is that totally true? I don't know and I don't care- I get that "busy" is relative - and that for some people who call they might not be as busy. Doesn't affect my trust at all. What would though is if a friend told me she couldn't make it to a plan we'd made because she/her child was sick when that wasn't true.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Lying is lying whether it's big or small and each time a person lies it diminishes trust in a relationship... whether it's a little at a time or all at once with a big whopper.
    I see where you're coming from, but I don't completely agree. I have a couple flaky friends who I can pretty much count on to be late or cancel plans. Social things. They lie their way out ("I have a business trip." "My husband has a business trip." "My daughter has a recital," etc.). I know they're lying because I know them.

    The kicker is, they're usually the ones who make the plans in the first place! They do it because they feel bad for not hanging out for x number of months. They have guilt. But then the day comes and they don't want to hang out. So they have more guilt about that and end up lying. I know them.

    It actually just happened this week. My girlfriend cancelled plans that she made. The funny thing is, my boyfriend doesn't really enjoy hanging out with this girl and her husband. I'm not a huge fan either, but she is a childhood friend and I like to keep in touch. So I make the plans and tell my boyfriend, "Don't worry, they'll probably cancel." And they usually do. So, it's win-win.

    I just don't see it as a big deal. They're actually not bad friends or bad people; I just don't rely on them to keep plans.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Reinvent, do you think jibraltra may have been on to something when she mentioned the idea of the compounded stresses in your life right making this extra annoying at the moment?

    I've definitely had that experience. With dealing with my moms estate and all that goes with that, the grief, work and relationships, there was a point there where things I'd usually manage with a shrug were really getting to me. One person at work, who I always thought of as a lazy pain in all our butts, well, one time I actually snapped at her to a degree I knew it was more than just the situation .

    Take it easy on yourself.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes but Jibralta, why can't they be adults and just tell the truth? It seems to immature to start lying cause you can't handle or don't want to handle a situation.

    It's one of my pet peeves.

    I would expect a 5 year old to be doing this kind nonsense rather than a grown adult.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yes but Jibralta, why can't they be adults and just tell the truth? It seems to immature to start lying cause you can't handle or don't want to handle a situation.

    It's one of my pet peeves.

    I would expect a 5 year old to be doing this kind nonsense rather than a grown adult.
    There could be a degree of immaturity to it.

    On the other hand, there's something to be said for tact. Would Lisa'a and my relationship be better off if we told each other that we really didn't want to see each other? I don't think so. And it wouldn't actually be a true statement if we did say it because we do want to see each other. Sort of. One day.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Sort of. One day.
    lol, that gave me a giggle. I feel that way about some people.

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