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Thread: white lies.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    my tolerance for it is low
    Same.

    I also have little patience now a days for lies no matter the reason. I don't like knowing if it's the truth or if it's a lie. If they are being straight with me or if they are just saying things to please me.
    I also feel it hinders you from truly knowing them. Why? Because they don't actually tell you what their opinion might be or what they think, etc. They will tell you what you want to hear.

    And my mind does work overtime. I would be wondering if what he told me was a lie or the truth and how big the lies will become.

    I just don't have the energy for that stuff anymore.

  2. #12
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    I dated a compulsive white-lie teller for 2 1/2 years, so I completely get it. Like your guy, even the smallest of things, where the truth would actually be a better story.

    And like you, I began to wonder if/when there would be bigger lies.
    LSS: There weren't.

    Here's the thing, though, and I think it's true in your case, as it was true in mine: These guys aren't telling white lies to spare people's feelings, or to be people pleasers. They are telling white lies to protect themselves, and protect themselves only.

    Your BF crafts an albeit minor, but somewhat elaborate tale of something he's doing at your house instead of telling the person the truth: he simply doesn't want to do something with them. He's not trying to spare their feelings; he's making sure they have no way to come back at him.

    It's weak. I don't think this makes him a weak person, but it's a weak action.

    We say all the time here, that "No" is a complete sentence. Except we hear all the time, how people come back from "No" to "Well then how about Sunday instead? How about afternoon instead of evening? How about x, y, or z?" So, your boyfriend creates this white lie web, where there is no way the person can come back. He creates it so there are no ways for someone to poke a hole in his story.

    It doesn't make him a bad guy. In my case, the white lies never manifested into anything larger. Never. And they were not the reason we broke up.

    And like in your case, I told my guy repeatedly that I'd rather have the truth, but unfortunately, a compulsive liar is a compulsive liar. I didn't like it, and I don't suspect you do either, but I don't think this is character flaw bad, as in, this will lead to cheating/infidelity/etc., but rather a continuation of white lies that will not stop unless he gets professional help.

    I do think that this is worthy of couples therapy, as he needs to hear this from a third party who is trained to explain the trust damage this does.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So you've told him it makes you uncomfortable. And he continues to do it. So it's not that big a priority for him to change this.

    Now it's your call. How important is it to you that you be with someone who does not lie regularly? What are you willing to do... or will you choose to tolerate it?

    I dated someone briefly who I caught making silly lies to others and to me. I was to the point " if you continue to lie, this won't work." . It ended soon after, because being truthful was obviously not that big a priority for him.

    It really depends how important this is to you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    So you've told him it makes you uncomfortable. And he continues to do it. So it's not that big a priority for him to change this.

    .
    I mentioned it once, over a year ago.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I mentioned it once, over a year ago.
    What did he say at that time?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Of course perfectly normal sane people will tell white lies on occasion. The difference is that you are describing an ongoing consistent pattern of behavior where yes, these lies roll out of his mouth as natural as breathing. This is happening to the point where it's affecting your ability to trust him and that's not a good feeling to say the least. You are now playing the game of is he lying, is it serious, to what extent, would he lie about more serious things? You are hoping that he wouldn't, but you don't know. As LGH pointed out, this type of lying has nothing to do with sparing other people's feelings, it's all about himself and yes, his internal disordered thinking that lying is easier on him personally. Date long enough and small lies will turn into big ones. It might not happen in the first few years or even five or more, but I guarantee you it will happen, because life happens and his way of dealing is to lie. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but you aren't going to fix him.

    You have a pattern of dating pathological liars? I hate to tell you this but you are involved with yet another. He might not be as extreme as your previous relationships, but.... Don't keep repeating your patterns because less than or not as bad as is still not good enough and still a pattern. What attracts you or rather why do you seek to excuse this behavior?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    again with the pathological. . .yikes

    He lives his life with integrity. He doesn't need to lie about anything because he conducts his life honorably. There isn't anything to lie about.
    There is one, only one exception to this and every single time it's about scheduling or planning something he would rather not do.

    He can't just say no. It's not in him to do so. It's easier for his conscience or forgo discomfort or what ever it is that motivates him (albeit misguided) that he come up with a fabricated reason why he can't.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    white lies.

    [Register to see the link]
    Thanks for everyone input. With that, I'll sign off on this one
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 02-28-2019 at 05:46 PM.

  10. #19
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    This reminds me of a Facebook post I saw the other day on my moms group how we tell our children to be truthful but we lie about the tooth fairy, about where their pacifier went, etc etc. I think it depends. I expect people have told me white lies to spare my feelings and I have done the same. I think it depends on the friendship/relationship - I have friends who are very blunt/direct and want me to do the same with them. And it would be wrong of me to then tell a white lie. But yes, I will say what is true meaning "I don't think my opinion is relevant here"- because no I don't think I'm required to either voice my true feelings OR white lie. I can choose not to go there in the first place.
    And yes there are gray areas with white lies too. A friend asked me to go to the theater with her next month. There are 2 truths. Truth no. 1 - it sounds like a lot of fun! Truth no. 2 - it sounds like it will take a lot of effort to actually implement -to get my husband to stay with our son at that particular time, to be able to juggle what I usually get done at that time, to make sure my husband is available, etc. So I am of two minds. I don't think I need to tell her all of that so I simply said "I would love to and I'm not sure I can because of child care". I "can" arrange for my husband to be available and I am not in the mood to share with this friend that it might not be worth the effort since there may be other times I need him to be available even more.

    Another time I actually did tell the truth to a stranger instead of an easy white lie. I'd been invited to go to a monthly movie club with a group of women. One woman in particular was supposed to go and I wanted to get to know her better. She bowed out and then I received an email from the only woman who could make it "I can make it but my husband will be with me but that's ok right?" And I decided to tell her that no, I wasn't actually comfortable with that -I put it diplomatically but I did tell her. And as it turned out I couldn't have gone anyway because of a child care issue. i share this because it was NOT easy to be that direct with a stranger, a woman I might see in the future at this movie club. But I actually wanted her to know that inviting her husband was not ok for a women's movie club especially since I'd be the only other person going.

    Sorry if this was TMI -the white lie issue is a tough one for me.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    And I have to add in 18 months hes never done anything that would make me not trust his character.

    I am suspicious by nature and not much gets past me.

    This man has alot of integrity but it's the way he handles not wanting to disappoint people that irks me.
    Wow, I think this summarizes the situation beautifully^

    I bet his minor dishonesties trigger your suspicious nature sometimes.

    Question: does the way that he handle other people actually harm you? Or does it just annoy you?

    If it just annoys you and he is otherwise an awesome partner, let it go.

    I know you are going through some stressful situations right now, and that you have some ahead of you. I find that when I have a lot of stress in one area of my life, it tends to exaggerate stress in other areas of my life.

    I wouldn't make any fast moves. Personally, I don't think it's even worth talking with him about it because it's just his coping mechanism and it's not hurting anyone. It's just annoying you for some reason.

    I'd sit back and wait until the stressful events pass, then I would reevaluate.

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