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Thread: My bf wont have sex with me anymore....??

  1. #1
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    My bf wont have sex with me anymore....??

    I never thought something like this would happen to me. Me and my bf are both 26 and 3 years together. We had some problems after the first year in the relationship (when the sex started decreasing too) but we solved them and now we love each other very much and have a fun time together. But he still wont have sex with me. We used to do it at least 2 times a day now I am lucky if its 2 times a month.
    I have gone through all emotional stages that go with that kind of experience. At first I thought he didnt want me, then I thought he cheated, (thats when I got the bad habit of searching his stuff), then I was angry, then sad etc...We have tried talking a million of times. Everytime he tries to avoid talking about it, and when he does he says he knows he dissappoints me and wants to fix it (but then does nothing) and if I try to ask a little more if he is bored or smth else he gets defensive and we have a fight. He totally refuses that it has to do with me. He says he is stressed and it is just a phase. How is this a phase for 1,5 year??
    Yesterday I wanted sex a lot (its been 3 weeks since we last did anything) and he said he wasnt in the mood (what a surprise) although he had an erection (I would like to add here that he has no erection problems he just says he is not in the mood). I was heartbroken again said its ok, he said that I am right and we need to have sex but not now. Later on I went out with some friends and when I came home (he was asleep) I sat on the laptop and saw porn in the browsing history. I feel like . This has happened many times...
    I am tired of always trying to turn him on and getting rejected. I am a good looking woman I should be cherised. I miss feeling like a woman. I almost cheated on him in a party at xmas.. I did hold myself but I wanted to do it. I am not a cheater. I see dreams of being with other guys all the time. I think I need to break up. But I love him too much we are like soulmates in everything else. We used to have the most amazing sex I ever had in my life. What do I do?? Please help me...

  2. #2
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    First let me say, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine how this has taken a toll on your self-esteem. Personally I am against porn for this reason and others. Porn addiction is real, and men who watch it frequently require more and more stimulation in order to get turned on. It gets to the point that almost no real woman is enough to get a man excited. This has been shown in numerous studies in neuropsychology. I hope this makes you realize that the problem is not you. I have had friends with the same issues. Their boyfriends would rather watch porn then sleep with them. So it comes down to either him admitting he has a problem and making a concerted effort to cut down or completely stop watching porn, allowing his sex drive to return to normal after some time, or you stay in a relationship which does not fulfil you sexually. I sincerely hope it is not the latter.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    I have a hard time believing the rest of the relationship is perfect and that the only issue is sex. What other problems are the two of you facing? It's a fallacy to believe that only women's desire to go to bed turns off during times of conflict.

    Another consideration is how you have handled him not wanting to have sex. I was in a relationship during my teen years into my early 20's with a guy who would make me feel bad if I EVER said "no" to sex. I hated that he would throw a fit and associate me not wanting to have sex in the moment with not loving him. Over time, his anger became abusive and it made me not want to have sex with him at all. I never stopped having a sex drive, and I continued to masturbate when I could. He made it unappealing to be with him specifically.

    I'm not saying these points to put all the blame on you or to tell you that he doesn't love you. I am making these points, because I think you're very entrenched in an unhealthy dynamic that will not be easily fixed. Sex is at its best when it's spontaneous, fun, and has no pressure behind it. The more you wind yourself up about how often the two of you have sex, the less fun and less frequent it will be.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You've already tried communication numerous times and nothing has changed for the better. Just like an alcoholic or narcotics abuser cares more about feeding their addiction even though it drives away their loved ones, he is more interested in maturbating to porn versus retaining a healthy relationship with his gf.

    No matter how much you love someone, if they possess a dealbreaker, which this should be, you need to free yourself to find someone who has all of your must-haves and zero dealbreakers. That's the secret to relationship success. Right now, you're settling.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this is happening. You're correct 1/2 your relationship being about arguing and rejection and estrangement is not a "phase". Maybe it's time to realize you're not compatible. Do you live together? What were the problems and how have they been resolved? It sounds like you're playing house and he's just coasting along complacently.

    He knows rejecting and frustrating you hurts you and he doesn't care. That doesn't seem like "soulmates". Talking will never work. Talking is obviously being tuned out. You need to take action. How long do you want to drift along like this? Do not try to fix or coddle him. This is deliberate, not an illness he can't help.
    Originally Posted by Notmi
    We had some problems after the first year in the relationship (when the sex started decreasing too) but we solved them
    he says he knows he dissappoints me and wants to fix it. He says he is stressed and it is just a phase. How is this a phase for 1,5 year??
    when I came home (he was asleep) I sat on the laptop and saw porn in the browsing history.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If you were tempted to cheat then you know how bad this has become and what you need to do.

    He has made a choice and that choice is not you sexually. I agree that porn has ruined a great many peoples sex lives and yours is the most recent.

    I am not a fan of ultimatums because you are forcing someone to do something by threats.

    You need to sit down with him and tell him straight out how you feel and that you do not want to be in a relationship with no intimacy, desire or passion. Be clear and concise so there is no question in his mind what you want out of this relationship. Then ask him what he intends to do to remedy the issue. If all you get is more excuses and no action you need to start working on getting your own place, separating your finances and then break up with him.

    Unfortunately I believe that is where this will end up because he simply is putting himself way above you and will continue doing that again eventually.

    I have never understood why a man would neglect a real life woman for porn...

    I am sorry but you need to prepare yourself for a breakup.

    Lost

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I have a hard time believing the rest of the relationship is perfect and that the only issue is sex. What other problems are the two of you facing?
    Exactly. I realize it's a very touchy subject and we don't always want to look at this part of ourselves but at the end of the day if he is getting an erection it isn't sexual dysfunction... it's a dysfunction in your relationship. That being said, my personal view on this is that there is absolutely no point in being in a romantic relationship unless there is regular sex... otherwise it's just a friendship. Don't get me wrong... my friendships are some of the most valuable relationships I have, and I also recognize the importance of being friends with our romantic partners... but for me, a good sex life is super important and I wouldn't be willing to give it up for the sake of staying in a relationship.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'm assuming all these "stages" didn't start and end yesterday. To elaborate, if you started going through these stages the moment he happened to had the audacity to go a few weeks with his libido having dropped for any assortment or reasons or lack thereof, it's not a wonder sex has perpetually taken a back seat. We also have no idea what these issues this first year were, how much you may or may not be minimizing the residual effects, etc.

    Basically, I've yet to know a guy who woke up one day and thought, "Sex is overrated. I think I'm done with it." Certainly drives can diminish as the novelty wanes a bit over time and responsibilities increase, but a by and large total lack of intimacy is most often a symptom, not the cause in and of itself. That's not to suggest he's not equally responsible for broaching such issues, or whether he has or hasn't played his fair part in such issues, but that it's rarely productive to focus on the absence of sex itself.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Okay I just read your other threads about this guy.

    This guy has disrespected you from the beginning. You were the new toy that he is now bored with.

    He does not love you and has treated you pretty badly over this short relationship. Read your other threads about him and then tell us why he is so great.

    I realize your last relationship was abusive so this guy seems like a catch but he isn't! If you are dying of thirst even a mud puddle seems like a refreshing clear mountain spring.

    Time to dump this guy, see if you can get some counseling at university and stay single for a while so you can work out what you want in your life.

    Lost

  11. #10
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    Iím so sorry you are going through this. I canít even imagine the toll itís taking on your self esteem. Continuing to ask him and trying to communicate with him about why youíre not having sex seems to just add tension to your relationship and it seems like that wonít change.
    Since he has left porn in browser history, ever think of seeing what heís into? Maybe heís embarrassed or wants to try new things? Maybe try asking that? If he wants to try something new (of course something youíre absolutely comfortable with as well).
    I myself donít like the idea of porn. Iíve seen it ruin many of my friends relationships. Iím not saying to add to this possible addiction he has...but use it kind of as a cheat sheet?
    If he still continues to not put in effort also, u advise you to move on hun. Iím sorry but you shouldnít be going through this or feeling this way.

    Hope to hear back positive results.

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